Chapter Eighteen
Sasha
I’m sitting up on the rooftop, shivering in the cold as I stare up at the sky. When a shadow passes over me, I don’t have to look to know it’s him. The shame inside of me won’t allow me to, so instead, I continue to stare at the stars, waiting for him to say something. Anything.
He doesn’t.
“How did you know I was up here?” I ask through a scratchy voice.
He still doesn’t answer, and when I finally get the courage to look at him, he’s uncomfortable with my question. I’ve often wondered if Ronan watches me. So many times, I could have sworn I felt eyes on me when nobody was there. But if he does watch me, he doesn’t want me to know it.
He surprises me by bending down and lifting my limp body into his arms. My head lolls against his strong chest and I close my eyes and let his warmth envelop me as he carries me back down the stairs and into my apartment. When I open them again, he’s pulling back the covers and laying me into bed. I’m so scared he’s going to leave me again, leave me alone to let my grief swallow me whole.
So when the bed dips and he climbs in behind me, I almost sob with relief. I hold my breath, wondering what he’s going to do. After tonight, I’m sure he thinks I’m more unhinged than he is. But that’s one of the things about Ronan. He’ll never throw it in your face. He’ll never say a word about it. And he’s here right now, because he knows what I need. He tugs me against his body and holds me.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” I whisper.
He holds me tighter and nuzzles into my neck like I’m his source of comfort and not the other way around.
“I’m sorry about what I called you,” he replies. “I didn’t mean it.”
“Ronan?”
“Aye?”
“Please don’t let me go,” I tell him. “Or at least stay until I fall asleep.”
And he does.
***
The next morning, I wake to find a pair of brown eyes gazing down at me. They are warm, like melted chocolate. Open and soft. He’s leaning against the headboard, still completely dressed save for his suit jacket. You’d never know he just woke up.
“You’re still here,” I say.
“Would you prefer me to leave?” he asks.
I reach out and touch his hand with mine, and he lets me. “No.”
“I’m not the only one,” he tells me. “Mack and Crow are on the sofa in the lounge room.”
“Oh.”
“I’m sorry about your mammy,” he says.
“Thank you.”
“I don’t know what to say in these situations.”
“You don’t need to say anything,” I tell him. “Thank you for staying with me last night.”
He nods, and something else pops into my mind. Something that I shouldn’t ask because it’s only going to make it harder to do what I need to do.
“Did you talk to my mother?” I ask him.
He doesn’t reply, but I know that I’m right. He clears his throat, and it takes him a minute to find the words.
“I wanted her to know you’d be alright,” he says.
His eyes find mine, and they’ve never looked more serious. “And I will protect you.”
“Oh,” I murmur. “Well… thank you for telling her that.”
“I meant it,” he says. “I haven’t done a good enough job of it in the past. But I will keep you safe.”
“You have kept me safe, Ronan,” I reply. “Probably more times than I even really know. But you can’t protect me forever. I’ll be leaving soon, anyway.”
He looks away. And I can’t tell what he’s thinking. I want to ask him if he cares. If it bothers him at all. But that would be stupid. Because none of that matters. I need to leave. To get away from this life before I lose the few marbles I have left.
He climbs to his feet without any sort of response.
“Are you going?”
“Aye.” He still won’t look at me. “I have to go feed the dog.”
“Dog?”
“Let me know if ye need anything, Sasha.”
And with that, he disappears down the hall.
I wait until the front door shuts and then move to the bathroom to get cleaned up. The woman staring back at me in the mirror looks like shit. And I feel like it too. No matter how much I tell myself it’s the right thing, I can’t bring myself to get excited about leaving.
But it is the right thing. That’s what I need to believe. And there’s no better time than the present to talk to Lachlan about it. But when I walk out into the parlor, the only one still here is Mack.
“Good morning,” she says from the kitchen. “I had Conor buy donuts. I tell ya girl, I’m really getting used to this. Did you know I can send them out for me any time I want? Seriously considering changing my name to the Queen.”
I laugh and sit down at the kitchen table, grateful for the coffee she shoves in my direction. I cup it in my hands and let the warmth spread into my skin.
“Are you with me for the day?” I ask Mack.
She nods. “You aren’t getting rid of me that easily.”
“Then I hope you don’t mind running errands with me, your highness,” I tell her. “I’ve got to go to the funeral home. Pick out a casket. I have a ton of phone calls to make…”
“Sasha.” Mack reaches across the table and grabs my arm to stop me. “It’s all been taken care of.”
“What?”
She smiles at me softly. “It’s been paid for. Everything is taken care of, you don’t have to do a thing but show up.”
“By who?” I ask.
“I highly suspect you already know that.”
There’s pressure behind my eyes again and I push it away. “God, I’m such an awful person.”
“Why because you slapped him last night?” Mack asks. “Don’t worry about it, they need to be put in their places every now and again.”
“It was a really nice thing to do,” I say.
“It was,” Mack agrees. “Just when you think he’s another bastard, he has to go and do something nice like that.”
I nod, because I know Mack is all too aware of how I’m feeling right now. But I can’t let it sway me. I can’t let this world suck me back in, and especially when I don’t even know how Ronan really feels about me.
“There is something else I have to do,” I tell her. “I think that I should talk to Lachlan. The sooner the better.”
“Okay,” Mack agrees. “But I have a big favor to ask you, Sash.”
“What?”
“Lachlan and I are getting married. Next week.”
I’m dumbfounded, and my face shows it. Though it shouldn’t come as a surprise, but she seems happy.
“Stay until after the wedding,” she begs. “I can’t get married without you there. You’re the only one I’ve really got, besides Scarlett, and it would mean a lot to me if you were there.”
“Of course.” I give her a weak smile. “I wouldn’t dream of missing it.”