Chapter Fourteen
Sasha
Emily flew in last night, and she hasn’t left Ma’s side. She’s taking it hard, and in a way I feel guilty that I got more time with her. But this is how Ma wanted it.
“She looks so different,” Em whispers. “I didn’t want to remember her this way.”
“So don’t,” I tell her. “She wouldn’t want you to, Em.”
“I’m going up to the roof,” she says. “I need some air.”
I nod and let her go. Emily is strong. And smart. And I know she’s going to do great things in her life. But this is going to leave a gaping hole in her heart. She’s too young to have lost both parents. She reminds me a little of Mack in that way. I see similarities between them. The tough fronts they put up for the world. Em’s always been like that.
With Amy fixing the dosage of Ma’s medicine, she’s managed to have a few lucid moments throughout the day. And I’m surprised when Emily leaves, she opens her eyes again.
I lay down beside her and try not to cry. When I look into her eyes tonight, I know it’s going to be the last time. She’s in too much pain to wake any more. And it isn’t fair to her.
So this has to be goodbye.
I hold her hand and talk to her. Anything that comes to my mind, I just blurt it out. I’m telling her about things that will never happen. A house I’ll probably never have. The names of my future children. Anything to keep my mind off what’s coming.
Ma watches me talk, but doesn’t respond. I don’t expect her to. She’s weak and tired. But I still want to hear her voice. Just one last time.
I promised myself I’d be strong for her. But I can’t. I’m too emotional. So eventually, I break down and just cry. She holds me, the way that mothers do.
“Tell me it’s going to be okay, Ma,” I whisper. “Because I don’t feel like it will. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.”
I don’t expect her to say anything. But she does.
Her voice is faint and scratchy. But she speaks. For me.
“He says,” she forces out, “he will protect you.”
“What?” I blink at her, desperate for more.
But she doesn’t speak again. She smiles and pulls my face down so that she can kiss me on the forehead. And then she closes her eyes and falls back into unconsciousness.
***
Amy is still in the kitchen when I finally emerge, and I’m grateful for her presence. She’s made dinner, which isn’t part of her job requirement. Neither is staying this late when she isn’t even getting paid for it. She hasn’t said a word about what happened with Ronan. And I appreciate that too. I know she’s not over it, but whatever Lachlan said to her has kept her from bringing it up.
I give her a shaky smile as I sit down and she hands me a dish of spaghetti.
“Thank you, Amy.”
“How was she?” she asks as she makes herself a dish.
“She seemed very coherent,” I tell her. “But she said something strange. I couldn’t really make sense of it.”
“It happens,” Amy says softly. “Sometimes their thoughts only make sense to them. The medication can do that.”
I nod, deciding that’s probably the best possible explanation. But even as I tell myself that, I can’t stop thinking that isn’t it. That Ma knew exactly who she was talking about. And he goes by the name of Ronan.
***
The next morning, Mack shows up at my door with Dunkies.
I’m surprised to see her, but it seems like everyone has decided to start paying me regular visits. Amy told me this would probably happen. People don’t really know what to do in these situations, so they try to be helpful. They make casseroles and bring cards and flowers. I don’t mind. It keeps the apartment from being so quiet. Even with Amy and Em here round the clock now, it still feels empty. We’re all just walking around like zombies, waiting for the end to come.
“Hey, Mack,” I greet her. “C’mon in.”
She makes herself at home on the sofa and pulls out an impressive spread of donuts. The girl is a certified sugar addict. Although right now, nothing sounds better than some sugar and caffeine.
“How is she?” Mack asks.
“Amy says it probably won’t be long now,” I tell her.
Mack gives me a gentle smile and then gets down to business. “Well, my reasons for being here are twofold. I came to see if you needed anything and to tell you that Lach wants you to take as much time off as you need.”
She drops a stack of cash onto the coffee table, and I swallow the lump of emotion in my throat.
“Thank you,” I whisper. “Please tell him I said thank you.”
Mack nods, and we eat our donuts in silence for the next few minutes.
“There is something else,” she says. “It might not be the right time to bring it up. But then again it might help take your mind off things. I’m not really sure.”
I look at her, and she has a blush on her cheeks. I’ve never once seen Mack blush.
“What is it?”
“Uh… well Ronan and I sort of had… like a birds and bees talk the other day.”
I nearly choke on the coffee I just drank.
“There were donuts involved,” she says nervously. “And a lot of awkwardness.”
“He talked to you about this?” I ask.
Mack stares down at her feet, and I realize why she’s being so weird about it. She thinks I’m going to be upset with her.
“I’m not mad,” I tell her. “If that’s what you think.”
Her shoulders sag in relief and she nods. “I don’t know how to do this whole thing. I mean, I’m sort of friends with Ronan, but not really. I think he just feels comfortable talking to me about you because he has no one else, ya know? I couldn’t even imagine him talking to the guys about it.”
I focus on my coffee cup and bite my tongue to keep from asking her a million questions like a teenager with a stupid crush. But Mack must sense my curiosity because she explains on her own.
“The whole conversation was pretty vague, but I get the gist that he isn’t very experienced. He’s nervous, and he wants to talk to you, but I honestly just don’t think he knows how, Sash.”
“Tell me about it,” I sigh.
“I don’t know what’s up with him. Lach is really weird about it. Like oddly protective of him. More so than the rest. He doesn’t let people touch him. And once, I saw him threaten Michael when he laughed at Ronan at the club. Like he wanted to tear off Michael’s head for laughing at him.”
I’m somewhat surprised by the fact that Lachlan seems to have told me more about Ronan than even Mack knows, and I have to think it’s for a reason. But then I remember what he said and try to tell myself that this is for the best. That I need to let Ronan go and concentrate on my future.
“I don’t get it either,” I reply. “I know next to nothing about him. And it doesn’t matter anyway at this point.”
“Doesn’t it?” Mack asks softly.
“No,” I say firmly, still feeling the tug in my chest at the way he left the other morning. “I meant what I said, Mack. When Ma is gone, I can’t stay here anymore. I just can’t. It’s time for me to get out of this vacuum.”
“Okay, Sash,” she says. “If that’s what you want, then I respect that. And I fully back you up on whatever you choose to do.”