Becky
Six days after the community bonfire, I was dropping Aiden off at my brother’s so I could go to Toronto for Tessa’s bachelorette party.
“Please call if you need me. I’ll come straight home.”
“We’ve got it handled,” Brock assured me, practically shoving me out of his cabin. I waved at Aiden through the screen door, my heart tightening painfully in my chest with anxiety’s grip.
“Come on, Becs, you’ve already subjected the poor kid to enough of your goodbye kisses,” Braden pointed out from the other side of the screen door with a smirk. “We’ll be fine!”
“I know,” I sighed, shooting him a dirty look. I didn’t expect either of them to understand. Sure, I’d had nights out since having Aiden, but I’d never gone far, and Toronto was far. Or at least…farther than I was used to going.
“It will be fine,” Brock said again, nodding to my car where Katie was patiently waiting for me.
“I’m so ready for this weekend,” Katie sighed when I opened the door and climbed behind the wheel a moment later. “I haven’t had a weekend with the girls since…well, before Alyssa was born,” she laughed, brushing back a strand of dark cooper coloured hair from her face.
“Yeah,” I said absently, pulling away from the cabin. My eyes watched it in the rearview mirror, and I drew in a stabilizing breath.
“Everything okay?” she asked softly, drawing my attention away from the rearview mirror.
A soft sigh escaped my lips, and I turned my head to give my friend a small smile. “I guess I still get a little nervous about leaving Aiden.”
Katie sent me a sympathetic look that told me she understood, and I knew she did. “Tell me about it. I’ve left Alyssa at my parents’ and with my sisters’ a few times for a day or so, and that wasn’t easy. But it’s definitely not easy staying at home every day, either!”
“I would have loved staying home with Aiden,” I commented wistfully. I took a year and a half off of work after he was born, just to recover and settle in, but I studied the whole time. I took some online courses to improve my grades in biology and chemistry so that I could apply to college for the nursing program.
My family helped me get back on my feet, but I had to miss a lot of Aiden’s firsts due to school or work. My top priority was ensuring that I could provide for my son, that he had a roof over his head, food in his belly, and clothes on his back.
That he didn’t have the same childhood I had growing up.
“Maybe you’ll get to stay home the next time around,” Katie said, giving me a hopeful smile.
“Ha,” I laughed dryly, looking at her over the top of my sunglasses.
“I’m serious,” she frowned, shifting so that she was looking directly at me. “I know things with FWB didn’t work out, but you should meet my cousin. I’m telling you I think you guys would hit it off.” As far as Katie knew, I hadn’t seen FWB since I’d called things off.
“No, thank you,” I responded, shaking my head animatedly. “I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but I have no interest in blind dates. Besides…I’m already thinking about dating someone.”
I hadn’t meant to say the last bit out loud, but the secret had been festering and bubbling. The last several times we’d talked, he’d said things and done things that confused my already conflicted heart.
Katie was one of my best friends, and I knew she wouldn’t betray my trust by telling anybody—lest of all my brothers. Now that Travis had animatedly expressed his interest in having more than just the arrangement with me, I needed her to be my sounding board.
For as long as I’d known him, Travis been commitment free. He loved having fun and coming and going as he pleased. I couldn’t help but worry that he would change his mind once he realized he didn’t enjoy being tied down with a girl and a kid who wasn’t even his.
I really wasn’t the kind of person who believed that love healed all. I wanted to be, but in my experience…love—especially romantic love—broke you more than it healed you.
At one point, I truly thought that my love for Richie would save him, that he’d stop doing drugs and get help. But it didn’t, and I almost lost Aiden because of my own inability to walk away.
And here I was, considering doing the same thing again, knowing the chance of it ending and destroying me were higher than the chance we could make it work. The thought was a sobering one that made my blood run cold in my veins.
“Who?” her eyebrows shot up as she appraised me deliberately. “Spill, Becky. We’ve got two and a half hours together in this car, you damn well better believe I will pester you nonstop the whole way if you don’t.”
Wrinkling my nose, I sighed. “Fine. It’s FWB. Are you happy? I caught the feels, but I don’t think I can be with him.”
“Why the hell not? Does he have a crooked dick?” Katie asked. I glanced over at her, my jaw slack.
“No, he does not have a crooked dick.” In fact, his dick was damn near perfect. It was thick and long, veins in all the right places, and he sure knew how to use it.
“Then what’s the problem?” she demanded, practically vibrating in her seat with excitement. She was so happy for me. For years, Katie had been trying to nudge me toward the dating scene.
“I have more issues than National Geographic and I know it.”
“So check that shit at the door,” Katie said, waving her hand dismissively.
“You know, it’s really not that easy,” I grumbled. If it were, I’d have already done it.
“Maybe not,” she amended, her smile reserved. “But so long as you’re upfront with those issues, it’ll be fine. Now tell me…who is FWB?”
“I can’t tell you.”
Katie scoffed at me. “I have some theories.” She sat back in her seat, tapping her finger against her chin. “Would you like to hear them?”
“No.”
“At first I thought it was someone you worked with…but that can’t be right. It’s definitely somebody I know,” she continued thoughtfully. “Steve?”
“Winters? No,” I almost laughed. Out of all my brother’s friends, Steve was the enigma. He was a bit of a hermit. I could see why Katie’s first guess was him—we were similar in that regard.
“Could it be…Travis?”
I said nothing, biting my lower lip and stealing a glance at my friend. I hated outright lying to people I cared about, but I didn’t want to confess it out loud either.
“It is Travis!” she exclaimed with excitement. “That explains the night at O’Riley’s. You took off right after he showed up.”
“Yeah, well,” I sighed, my breath escaping in a loud whoosh.
“Travis is FWB?” she repeated, still absorbing that information. “When did it actually start?”
I drew in a deep breath, lifting my right hand off the steering wheel to lift up my water bottle and chug back a sip. My throat felt impossibly dry. “The day after my mom’s funeral.”
“Shut the front door! So when you came over to talk to me about friends with benefits, Travis was already your friend with benefits?” she exclaimed. She was in a state of stupefaction. In all our years of being friends, I had never truly shocked Katie. I nodded, guilty. “Please tell me everything.”
We were driving through a section of fifty-foot tall rock cuts that were a part of the Canadian Shield. Traffic was light, given that most people were heading up to cottage country, not into the city, but I still didn’t trust that I wouldn’t start bawling my eyes out and have to pull over.
“I’ll tell you everything later, when I’m not driving. Preferably when I’m drunk,” I finally said.
“Fair enough,” Katie sighed, leaning back in her seat. She was quiet for several moments, watching the scenery pass by while she mulled over my confession. “So…why the secret?” she asked, and I knew she was feeling hurt I hadn’t trusted her with this news sooner.
“I was afraid of being judged, or that Brock would end up finding out and that he’d be mad about it.”
“Why’d you even pick Travis if you were worried about Brock’s reaction?” Katie questioned, prying into the inner workings of my mind.
“Well—you’ve seen him. He’s hot, and charismatic…and I don’t know. I guess I thought I could use Travis to help me move on from…well. Him. And he did—does when we’re together, anyway. But things were easier when we were just…friends with benefits. When I had no expectations and he had no expectations. At the end of the day, we don’t make sense. At least not in the long run,” I admitted.
“And why the hell not? I think you guys would be great together.”
“He’s gone more often than he’s not, he’s famous, and he could get any woman in the world. Why would he settle for me?”
“He wouldn’t be settling, you idiot.” She firmly slapped my shoulder, glaring at me.
“Hey! I’m driving,” I scowled, nodding toward the highway in front of me.
“Sorry, but it ticks me off when you say stuff like that,” she frowned, affronted. “You’re gorgeous, and you’re the nicest person I know. You work hard and you’re loyal. You’re a catch, Becky Miller. When are you going to see it?”
“Ugh, okay fine. I’m a catch, are you happy?” I said, exasperated. “It still doesn’t change the fact that we won’t work forever, and I don’t think I’m willing to put my heart in his hands. I could fall for him, but I don’t know if he’s really prepared to catch me.”
Katie shook her head venomously. “I don’t agree with that outlook. No relationship has a guarantee of forever. Look at Ben’s mom and dad; she died young. They didn’t get a whole lot of time together, but the years they did have were magical. You’ve just got to hope for the best and work at it.”
“That’s a morbid outlook,” I remarked, her words saddening me.
“It’s the truth,” she insisted. “The regrets that haunt us the most are the things we never did, the risks we never took. For the record, I think you’re being a huge baby.”
“Maybe I am,” I laughed, Katie’s candor easing the tightness in my chest.
* * *
There was something liberating about a night out with just the girls. Strangers—women and men alike—were buying our drinks and celebrating Tessa’s upcoming wedding almost as hard as we were. The inflatable penis Elle insisted Tessa carry around was pleasing everyone we encountered. At first, it was mortifying, but it quickly became more and more hilarious with each drink we tossed back.
The drinks helped ease my typically reserved nature, and soon I found myself out on the dance floor, moving my hips in time to the music.
Katie and I were at the bar when I looked up and saw him. I was almost certain his likeness was summoned by alcohol and my inability to stop thinking about him.
Our eyes locked from across the crowded room, and I inhaled deeply. The pull was too much.
“What the hell is he doing here?” I asked Katie, gesturing to where he stood with a slight nod of my head.
“I might have texted him…from your phone…when you were getting ready at the hotel, and maybe I pretended to be you and asked him to come,” Katie cackled, pleased as punch with herself. She snapped her fingers at the bartender, summoning him. “Two shots of Peach Paradise please!”
Travis was situated in the middle of the dance floor, alone in a sea of people. Nobody was paying attention to him, he had a black baseball cap on that obscured most of his face and wore a long sleeved black Henley that covered the tattoos on his arms. He knew how to blend in with the crowd, and blended without notice from the other drunk patrons.
His words from the other night fluttered around in my head, intoxicating me with allure, mixing with the many drinks, creating a cocktail of bad decisions.
I wanted him, even though I knew I shouldn’t. I trusted him, even though my brain cautioned me not to.
The bartender placed two shot glasses down in front of us and I tossed one back, needing the liquid courage.
“I’ll cover for you,” Katie promised. “Go!” She gave me a gentle shove, coaxing my legs into moving. I walked to the dance floor, my heart pounding in my chest.
With this being the last stop of the night, the girls were so drunk they could scarcely stand. I wasn’t worried about them recognizing him, especially not with Katie helping to redirect their attention.
His eyes were on me. As Luke Bryan’s Games thrummed through the speakers, I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, moving my body to the beat, propelled by alcohol and need.
I opened them a moment later, my eyes landing on his. I danced for him, the kind of dance I’ve only ever done in the privacy of my own home, when no one was around. I had the attention of those around me, but I didn’t even care about that. I didn’t even see them. My focus was locked on Travis.
His eyes were burning, the intensity of them arousing me, lighting every nerve ending on fire and driving me further into the rabbit hole we’d created for ourselves.
He started to stalk toward me, his broad shoulders parting the sea of bodies. When he reached me, I turned and fell against him, the two of us moving together with perfect rhythm. My ass pressed against his groin, and he used his hand to move my hair off the nape of my neck. He kissed it, his cap brushing against my cheek as his lips brushed across my flesh.
My back was flush with his chest, and I could feel his heart racing. The frantic thudding matched my own speeding heart.
We danced together like that, our bodies melting into one another and grinding with the flow, until he pressed his erection firmly against my ass. I gasped as he brought his lips to kiss the shell of my ear. “Come with me,” he said, loud enough for me to hear him over the music.
He pulled my hand, leading me toward the street. “I can’t, the bachelorette party!” I shouted, coming to a stop. I tried to tug my hand free from his. I couldn’t leave the girls, even though I really wanted to. Could I?
I was tipsy enough that the alcohol in my system eased my massive fears of letting him in, and I knew that was dangerous. When I woke up in the morning, I’d undoubtedly regret being so unbound.
But what if I didn’t regret it? Katie’s words from earlier taunted me, spurring my desire to close my eyes and jump.
“We’ll come right back,” he said urgently, turning toward me and pulling me against his chest. He released his hold on my hand, his hands drifting to grip my hips. He lifted me against him, pressing his erection against my core. My thong was embarrassingly damp, my need for him a rush of heat I knew he could feel, and still I was undecided. He closed his eyes for a moment, drawing in a ragged breath. “Or I’ll just start kissing you in the middle of this dance floor, and that will only lead to a very inappropriate display of public indecency.”
Astonished, I blinked up at him. His eyes were open and fixed on mine, the ravenous look in them made me ache with desire. I believed without a doubt that he meant each word. I allowed him to take my hand and lead me outside.
There was a black Hummer limo with dark tinted windows and a man leaning against it. “Give me the keys and have a walk to the pizza shop down the street, Rob.”
The bodyguard wordlessly tossed the keys to Travis and obeyed him without looking back. He hit the unlock button on the remote and opened the door, pulling me in after him. He closed the door behind us, locking the entire thing with the remote before he set it aside. His eyes remained on me the whole time; his expression full of intent and promise.
I moved to the seat across from him, tugging at the hem of my dress as I tried to ignore the desire coursing through my veins.
He moved closer, placing his arms on either side of my thighs. The way his eyes racked over my body was stimulating in a way that was almost poetic.
Tugging his shirt over his head, I ran my hands along the ridges of his abs. I was swollen with desire, and I knew it wouldn’t take much. The intense way we’d danced together had sparked an insatiable fire within me, and the fervent way he looked at me had me shivering with need.
We came together, our lips meeting frantically. His tongue brushed across my bottom lip, tasting me. “You taste like peaches,” he said, sounding tortured.
His thumb brushed across my swollen bottom lip. The gesture was so gentle, so reverent, it stole the breath from my lungs.
But then, the mood shifted, becoming heavy with desire. His hand tangled in my hair, and he used it to guide my lips to his. My hands worked on unbuckling his jeans. Travis stopped kissing me, grinning against my lips as he shifted to help me.
He shimmied out of his jeans like he’d done so a million times before. My stomach lurched when the intensity of just how much that thought stung. I was certain this wasn’t Travis’s first time in the back of a limo, although it was mine.
I stumbled over that thought, wondering how I was supposed to complete with all the beautiful women he’d encountered, and all the beautiful women he would encounter in the future.
But then I couldn’t breathe, all of my negative thoughts and insecurities flushing out of my system as Travis’s lips danced with mine. He pulled me on top of him, unzipping my dress. He tugged the material down, freeing my breasts. I moved against him, and he moaned as the tip of his thickened cock stroked against my centre. I sank down on him without thinking. Both of us stilled except for him pulsing inside of me and my walls squeezing him in response. I shifted a bit, and Travis exhaled sharply.
“We need a condom,” I bit my lip, the feel of him skin to skin with me so was so erotic. I never wanted it to end. It felt as if my eyes were truly rolling into the back of my skull. I didn’t move. I couldn’t.
“I’m clean,” Travis assured me, his eyes searching mine. “Are you on the pill?”
I nodded, biting my lip enough to almost puncture the skin. The responsible Becky insisted I hop off and dig for a condom, or halt the sexy-times…but the reckless Becky wanted to keep going, and she hadn’t been out to play in a long while.
And I believed him, because his eyes were so open and raw, and I knew he really wouldn’t put me at risk. He’d proven that time and time again. Not so much with his words, but his actions. It was in all of the things he didn’t say.
So I started to move my hips, riding him slowly. His head fell back against the seat, and he moaned. A moment later, he cupped my breasts in his hands and brought his lips to them, taking each of my nipples in turn into his hot mouth. He flicked at the swollen peaks as I rode him fast and hard.
I felt my orgasm rushing over me in waves. My body pulsed around him, and Travis took control, guiding my hips with his hands. His brow scrunched up, and he stared up at me like he was seeing a glimpse of heaven. His fingers pressed into my hips as he thrust into me as far as he could and roared out his release.
Hearts pounding, we collapsed against each other. My head landed on his shoulder, and he brought his hand up to stroke the flesh on my thighs. I trembled, drawing in a shaky breath. I felt as if I’d fallen to earth from the stars.
He leaned forward with me to grab a towel and a bottle of water from the bar. He poured some water on the towel and used it to clean the evidence of our joining from between my legs. My eyes closed, tears threatening to spill at his tender touch. I breathed through it, collecting the broken pieces of my heart together, and opened my eyes.
“They’re probably looking for me,” I said, climbing off of him, feeling shame-faced. This night was supposed to be about the girls—about Tessa, and I’d snuck off for a quickie.
“I’ll help you find them,” Travis offered, grinning at me as he pulled up his jeans. The action reminded me of my earlier thought, about how many times he’d hooked up in the back of a limo. I felt sick.
I had no right to feel sick. Travis had only done what I’d told him to do—live his life the way he always; had an unattached bachelor roaming from one corner of the world to another.
“It’s okay.” I avoided his eyes as I adjusted my dress and attempted to zip it up. Travis’s hands took over, effortlessly tugging it up.
I wished it was easy to let go of all of my fears and fall completely into him. Instead, I held myself back, retreating the moment I let him in.
Travis seemed to know where my thoughts had gone. He cupped my cheek with his hand, gently guiding my eyes to his. “You’re beautiful. Did you know that?”
“Thanks,” I said hesitantly. I climbed off of him, feeling an achy breathlessness. I searched for my underwear, finding it in the cup holder between the seats across from where we’d been. “Well…they’re probably looking for me,” I said looking back toward the club, regrettably.
“Alright, let’s find your party.” Travis put his cap back on before he opened the door and stepped out. He waited for me with his hand extended, his eyes twinkling. He tugged down on the bottom half of my dress, his fingers brushing against the back of my thighs, sending little tingles of awareness shooting to my core.
After paying the bouncers off to let us back in, we walked into the club. Travis lingered by the closed coat check and watched as I made my way across the dance floor back to the bachelorette party. Most of the girls were too inebriated to have noticed my absence. He nodded at me as I slipped unnoticed back into their fold. Katie shoved a shot glass in my hand, winking at me with a self-satisfied smile on her face.
“I told them you were making a call to check in on Aiden,” Katie giggled in my ear. “They don’t suspect a thing.”
“Thanks.” The deceit still made me uncomfortable, but less so than it would have had I had to carry it by myself.
“Here’s to love!” she toasted loudly, raising her glass high and winking at Tessa.
“Hear, hear!” everyone shouted, raising their own glasses before tossing them back. The liquid burned the back of my throat, and my eyes instinctively went to the last place I’d seen Travis. He was gone, but my flesh singed where he’d touched me, as if imprinting his hands to memory.
My mind was spinning and spiraling in millions of interwoven paths, filtering from one concern to the next. My therapist often referred to these as “obsessive thoughts”, and urged me to try different coping methods to redirect them.
I let Katie drive home the next day, while I sank into the passenger seat. I was running on fumes, exhausted from struggling to stop the obsessive thoughts.
Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him. I felt him, the way he’d touch me…and I wanted everything he promised. But I was afraid, afraid to start something and be left wanting. At least I still had my pride, and I wasn’t all that sure it would remain intact if Travis were to grow bored of me.
It’s why I’d been so insistent that we wait until after the wedding to start seeing each other. And even after that, I wanted to keep things quiet for a while. I wanted to tell my family in my own time, and I didn’t want to risk the possibility of being an even bigger target to gossip.
But already, I’d lost control.
“What’s wrong?” Katie asked, pulling me from my pity party. “You’ve been kind of down all morning, did the visit with Travis not go over well?”
“It’s not that,” I shook my head, recounting how wonderful he’d been. My reactions had little to do with Travis himself, and everything to do with my lack of trust in people in general.
“So what’s the problem them?” she asked, turning to look at me with her brows pinched together in confusion.
So many thoughts entangled my mind, and I couldn’t pause them, no matter how badly I wanted to. They came out in a muddled rush.
“I want to feel the way he makes me feel. I don’t know how to describe it but…he’s never made me feel like a victim, or damaged by my past,” I admitted. Katie drew in a deep breath, she knew how important that was to me; to be seen as something other than the damaged girl I was.
“Does he know about it? Like, all of it?” she asked, her eyes darting to mine.
“I don’t know. If he does he’s never brought it up,” I shrugged.
“Don’t you think it’s something you guys should probably talk about?” she suggested
“I’m scared to show him my scars. I’m scared that when I do, he’ll start to see me like a victim.”
Katie looked at me again, her eyes aching. “You’re a survivor, Becky, not a victim. You’ve finished school, you’ve got a great job, and family and friends who love you. You survived, and you thrived. You are literally the strongest person I know.”
Her words brought forth fresh tears, and she began to cry too. I nodded to acknowledge the progress I’d made. It hadn’t been an easy road, but I was proud of the leaps and bounds I’d made since everything happened.
“If I let him in, I’m afraid that I’ll lose everything I’ve worked for. My independence, my dignity…” I trailed off helplessly. “I don’t like feeling insecure, or giving him the power to destroy me. I don’t want to close myself off to love, but I guess I just don’t know how to open myself up to it, either,” I admitted.
Katie’s hand reached out across the seat to take mine. She squeezed it gently before she released it to hold the steering wheel.
“Trust takes time to build,” she assured me. “But in order to build it…you’ve got to be honest about your thoughts and feelings. If he’s the right guy—and my Spidey senses tell me he is—then he’ll understand and he’ll help you work through it.”