Becky
I tried to quietly sneak inside undetected after I had Rob drop me off at the end of the street. Braden’s truck was parked in the driveway, so I knew he was home. I tried to quietly sneak inside undetected, hoping that he would be sleeping when I got in. But, I had no such luck; he was standing in the kitchen making coffee.
Hunter barked a few times when I opened the door, then came over to me to investigate, his large wet nose sniffing at my legs. Brock and Tessa must have dropped him off early in the morning before they drove to the airport.
He peered around, as if searching for Aiden. When he realized I was alone, he let out a heavy sigh and nudged my hand with his head.
Aiden had been so excited to dog sit for his uncle, and I’d completely forgotten about the damn thing. Even if Braden wasn’t in the kitchen staring at me like I had eight heads, I would have been outed by the dog. Absently, I stroked the fur on his face.
“Where have you been?” Braden asked me, suspicion lining his features as he took in my frazzled state. My hair was a mess, my dress was rumpled and it was very obvious that I’d been somewhere I shouldn’t have been.
“None of your business,” I responded through narrow eyes that dropped down to the two cups in his hands. “Who’s here?”
“Elle,” he grinned, elation lighting up his blue eyes. Braden and I had similar eyes, Miller blue, as my mom used to call them. Aiden had inherited them too, while Brock’s eyes were more of a stormy gray colour.
“Braden,” I sighed, exasperated. I knew that they’d been dancing around each other for weeks, but I couldn’t help but worry that if things didn’t pan out the way he wanted…all the progress he’d made for himself over the last few years would be wasted. He was doing well, and I didn’t want to see him fall back into old habits.
The easy smile on his face faded slightly and he frowned, locking his jaw. “Look, I won’t tell you how to live your life if you don’t tell me how to live mine, got it?”
Wordlessly, I nodded. He had a point. I had made plenty of mistakes of my own. Braden nodded too, satisfied with my response, and headed back down to his basement bedroom.
I stood there, thinking about the hazel eyed, sweet talking country singer that had somehow managed to steal a very large piece of my heart.
Glancing at the digital clock on the microwave, I jumped into action when I realized I had less than twenty minutes to get ready before I was supposed to be at the farm, and I still had to pick up Aiden.
But I couldn’t go anywhere looking the way I did; especially not when I could still smell Travis on me.
Travis wanted to start telling people about us, but I was worried. I wanted to see how things progressed between us before announcing it.
From a risk assessment standpoint, Travis was a major risk, but even knowing that…I couldn’t stop my heart from racing with excitement and throbbing with renewed hope.
I knew I still had plenty of issues to overcome, and I wasn’t entirely sure where I would even begin there…but I’d woken up in Travis’s bed that morning with my chest bursting with possibility and hope. It had felt amazing to wake up with his arms around me.
I dressed quickly, forgoing makeup and tossing my damp hair up into a clip. When I came out of my bedroom, Elle was waiting in the kitchen for me. She was dressed in her bridesmaid dress, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment.
“I was wondering if I could hitch a ride off of you, and maybe borrow something to wear…” she said, trailing off sheepishly. I felt for her, having done the walk of shame myself that morning.
“Yeah, sure,” I smiled at her. I disappeared back into my bedroom to grab a dress I knew would fit her. It hadn’t fit me in a few years, but I’d clung to it because it was a pretty floral print. “Here you go,” I told her, handing the dress out to her.
She smiled at me as she took it. “I’ll be back in a second,” she promised, disappearing back downstairs.
I had always liked Elle. My apprehension about her being with Braden was mostly due to the fact that I wasn’t overly confident that Braden was in a good place mentally for a relationship. I knew that Elle was struggling too, and I didn’t know if Braden could handle that.
And, I was self-aware enough to know that I was projecting a little.
“Are you okay?” Elle asked, her brown eyes squinting in concern as she placed a hand on my forearm. I hadn’t even realized I’d gapped out while waiting.
“Yeah, sorry. Just tired,” I apologized, grabbing my purse. “Are you ready? Is Braden coming with us?”
“He’ll be along shortly…” Elle bit her lip. “I kind of told him we needed to show up separately.”
“Ah,” I exhaled, nodding with understanding. After all, I had the same arrangement going on with Travis.
“It’s just, Alex—“
“It’s okay, you don’t need to explain it to me. Trust me, I get it,” I sighed again.
“Are you picking Aiden up?”
“Yes,” I answered. “Valerie has plans with her family, and I know he’ll want to say hi to Spirit,” I smiled, referring to Tessa’s horse. Aiden loved going to the farm to see all the animals—especially the horses.
I opened the front door and stepped out onto the porch, reaching inside the mailbox. My fist closed around my keys. Pulling them out, I ignored the curious look Elle sent me and continued walking to my car.
Braden was standing in the driveway beside his truck, waiting. Hunter sat in the cab, looking regal and self-satisfied as he peered ahead, panting. Brock usually took Hunter everywhere, and he’d come to expect the same treatment from the rest of us.
“He slipped out when I opened the door, and apparently is insisting on coming with. Not my first choice for shotgun,” he joked, looking at Elle with pointed longing.
“Better you than me,” I replied, climbing into my car. “At least Elle won’t shed all over my seats.”
“I just might,” she grinned, putting her large sunglasses on. She blew Braden a kiss and slid into the passenger seat. Starting the engine, I backed out of the driveway.
The Jefferson’s lived about ten minutes away from us in a modest two-story house. The yard was well maintained but littered with bicycles and foot balls, the evidence that three rowdy growing boys lived and thrived there. I pulled up the driveway and put it in park, leaving the car running before I jogged up the walkway and rang the bell.
Valerie answered with a smile. “Becky! Come on in. How was the rest of the wedding?” she asked.
“It was great! Thank you for watching him last night, Valerie.” I returned her smile with one of my own as I stepped inside.
“It’s my pleasure, Aiden is no trouble at all. If anything, he keeps Max in line,” Valerie replied. She turned her head and hollered up the stairs. “Aiden! Your mom is here!”
I could hear several sets of feet tromping around upstairs, and ten minutes later Aiden was barrelling down the stairs with his backpack and pillow. “Hi Mom!”
“Hi buddy!” I said, crouching down to give him a hug. “How was the sleepover?”
“AMAZING!” he exclaimed, his eyes bright and excited. “We watched a scary movie!”
“Ghostbusters,” Valerie whispered with a wink.
“That’s great, bud,” I smiled. “Do you have everything?”
“Yes. Are we going to the farm?”
“Yep,” I answered. Aiden whooped and practically flew out of the door. “Thanks again, Valerie! I’ll see you tonight at practice!” I said, waving at her before I closed the door.
It didn’t take us long to get to the farm. When we pulled up, Elle’s mom was already directing the helpers on where to go. The second the car rolled to a stop, Aiden flew out, heading immediately for the front pasture, where the horses were grazing lazily in the mid-morning sun.
As we approached, Sue fixed her daughter with a wry stare, arching a brow. “Bout time you two showed up! The party rental place will be sending a truck here within the hour. We’ve got a lot of decorations to put away. Did Tessa say what she wanted to do with the centerpieces?”
“I know what she wants to keep,” Elle replied, ignoring the rest of her mom’s statement. “We’ll get started on that.”
Braden pulled up when Elle was talking to her mother. Hunter jumped out of the cab and looked around, sniffing the air for a moment. He caught sight of Aiden and Alyssa on the wooden fence, both of them holding out bits of long grass to the horses, and ambled over to them.
Avoiding looking in the general direction of Elle and her mother, Braden instead headed over to where Gordon and Tommy were busy grabbing all of the rental chairs from the ceremony. He set to stacking them up against the fence near the barn.
I resisted the urge to snort—Braden wasn’t fooling anyone, lest of all Elle’s mom. The two of them had been inseparable all evening, and it was obvious they’d left together.
I wondered if it was obvious I’d left with Travis too. Before I could worry too much, Elle grabbed my arm. “Come on. Let’s get this done—I need to sleep off this hangover.”
We walked into the reception tent and started packing up decorations. We lined up the centerpieces on Bill’s front porch for the time being and when Krista stumbled into the tent looking as hungover as I felt, Elle set her to work folding linens.
Heavy truck tires crunching against gravel had my heart thrumming in my chest at the possibility of it being Travis. I’d known I would see him again, and I knew it was foolish, but I was excited about it. The accompanying swell of disappointment when the white party rental truck rolled up would have been embarrassing if I’d confessed to it, but instead I suppressed it and continued on with the task at hand.
Then he actually did show up. He parked his truck and climbed out, his eyes meeting mine from across the vast space that separated us. He smiled at me, that secret smile that made my insides feel all tingly.
I brought the linens I was carrying over to the party rental truck, trying to keep my face impassive as I walked by him. Travis jogged after me, and I shot him a warning look. “What are you doing?” I asked him, my voice barely above a whisper as I handed the linens to an employee.
We were hidden by the party rental truck, but that didn’t mean we wouldn’t be discovered by anybody else who needed to drop linens off.
“I just wanted to talk to you for a minute, if that’s alright?” he arched a brow, a daring smile dancing upon his lips. Hiding how I felt from him was a challenge in itself, especially now that we were together together, and still hiding it.
Still, I softened my features and offered him a small smile. “Quickly,” I told him, ever powerless when he looked at me that way.
“I want to see you again tonight,” he said.
“I can’t, Aiden has soccer,” I replied, disappointed about it. An emotion I couldn’t pinpoint passed through Travis’s eyes before an easy smile graced his lips. “I’d say come over after Aiden’s in bed, but…”
“Braden,” he finished for me, sighing. It might make things worse for Brock if Braden were to find out before him.
“Call me later, okay?” I said, looking at him wistfully before I turned on my heel and walked away.
When the job was finally done and the party truck was kicking up dust as it drove down the Armstrong’s driveway, I breathed a sigh of relief. Weddings were exhausting. I wanted to sleep for a thousand years, and I silently prayed that nobody close to me would get married again any time soon.
But it had been beautiful, whimsical, even. It had been the kind of wedding every little girl should dream of having. Small and intimate, with friends and family coming together to make sure everything went off without a hitch. There’d been a few close calls, but we’d pulled it off in the end.
“Are you heading off now?” Sue asked, catching me as I attempted to sneak away without drawing Travis’s attention. After our quick conversation by the party rental truck, he’d proceeded to watch me whenever nobody else was looking, which only made my nerves feel more frazzled. “There’s burgers and sausages on the grill if you’re hungry!”
“Yeah Mom! Can we stay for a while, please?” Aiden pleaded, appearing at my elbow. “I’m starving and Alyssa wants to show me the treehouse her grandpa built!”
“Alright, we’ll stay a little longer,” I relented, my shoulders dropping in surrender. “But don’t forget, you’ve got soccer practice tonight.” Aiden cheered and raced off after Alyssa, heading toward the back of the house.
“Can I do anything to help?” I asked Sue awkwardly, feeling a little out of place. She threw her arm around me and grinned.
“You can help me fix a salad,” she said warmly. She squeezed me quickly before releasing me, and the familiar pang throbbed within my heart. I felt it whenever I missed my mom, which was a lot lately. Elle was lucky—what I wouldn’t give for one more conversation with my mom. I wasted too many years being angry at her for things she couldn’t change, instead of appreciating her for all that she did for us—especially after everything with Richie.
As I followed Sue into the Armstrong’s house, I couldn’t help but wonder what Mom would think of Travis, of us. Would she be happy about it?
Sue went to the refrigerator and began to grab things we would need for the salad. I rinsed the lettuce, tomatoes and radishes while she started chopping some green onions.
I’d been in the Armstrong’s kitchen a few times before, when Tessa had insisted we join them for holidays, and I’d always found it warm and welcoming. It was impossible not to feel that sense of home, here, so I set to my task and relaxed.
“Did you two have a good night last night?” Sue asked casually, effectively slicing through my ease.
I froze, looking at her warily. “What do you mean?”
“I wasn’t drinking all that much,” she informed me, a knowing little smile on her lips. “I saw a lot more than everyone thought I saw,” she added with a laugh. My mouth opened and closed like a fish, as I searched for something to say.
“Don’t worry, I know how you Millers like your privacy…your secret is safe with me,” Sue said after I’d taken too long to respond. She went about chopping the radishes. “But, I will say that I’m happy to see it. It’s about time you let someone else in. I know you’ve had a rough past, but you aren’t meant for a spinster’s life, and I’d hate to see you reduced to that.”
I’d always admired Sue Thompson. She didn’t need a man, and never had. It had always been just her and Elle. I’d wanted to be like her, content with my family and friendships, and in a lot of ways…I was.
But Travis had unlocked something inside me, a hope that I couldn’t seem to push back inside.
Sue seemed to be waiting for me to say something, so I cleared my throat. “We’re just seeing how things go, for now.”
“Playing it safe,” she nodded with understanding, dropping the freshly chopped radishes into the salad. “But don’t play it too safe, you hear?”
“Okay,” I said, confounded. I wasn’t used to parental advice. Mom had never been one to tell us how to live.
“He’s a good man,” Sue informed me. “I know his mother, we went to middle school together, and we’ve kept in touch over the years,” she added, seeing the confusion on my face.
“I know he is,” I replied.
Sue smiled with satisfaction, grabbing the large salad bowl. She gestured to the mason jar of homemade dressing on the counter with a tilt of her head. “Mind grabbing that for me?”
Since my conversation with Sue in the Armstrong’s kitchen, my mind wouldn’t quit spinning and spiraling in millions of interwoven paths, filtering from one concern to the next.
When I sank into the plush sofa in Dr. Rootham’s office on the Wednesday after the wedding, so many things ensnared my mind, and I couldn’t pause them, no matter how badly I wanted to. They came out in a muddled rush while I recounted the last few weeks, barely pausing to take a breath.
After getting through a huge chunk of my mental list, Dr. Rootham made me expand on my developing feelings.
“When I’m with him, I can trust him. There’s just little moments that sting, little waves of insecurity that make me question what we’re doing,” I finished, wondering if anything that I’d said during the course of our half hour had made any sense at all. But, when I looked at Dr. Rootham, she was nodding with understanding.
“Trust takes time to build,” she assured me. “Open communication is important, have you told him about Richie yet? Your fears?”
I winced, thinking about how I’d shut him out yet again. It hadn’t been intentional, of course, but between my work schedule, Aiden’s soccer, and my moody younger brother—we hadn’t been able to get together since the night of the wedding.
We’d texted and spoken on the phone several times a day, but it wasn’t enough…and it didn’t feel right, talking about those things on the phone. I’d hoped I would be able to see him at least once, but Braden hadn’t been doing too well either, and the knowledge of that sat heavily on my shoulders. I was genuinely worried about him.
Elle had gone back to Barrie after the wedding. At first, he’d believed she was tying up loose ends and that she’d be back in a few days. But she didn’t come back when she said she was going to, and she hadn’t returned any of his phone calls.
I couldn’t get away, but I also couldn’t invite Travis to my place and run the risk of Braden coming home. It was important to me to tell Brock first, before anybody else found out.
But the clock was ticking, and our opportunity to spend time together was dwindling, and I was to blame.
“I’ll take that as a no,” Dr. Rootham summarized from my body language. Her eyes drilled into mine, willing me to listen…to hear. “You’ve come so far, Becky. The effort you’ve put into your recovery is astonishing, but it still seems like you’re punishing yourself for falling for an abuser.”
“I am,” I nodded, not even bothering to resist the truth of her statement. “If I knew how to stop it, I would…but…” I trailed off, shrugging helplessly. I’ve always been exceptionally hard on myself, I’ve always shouldered the blame…tried to carry it myself. It was who I was even before Richie, before he dismantled my heart and my spirit.
“When you find yourself thinking that way…try to redirect your thoughts,” she urged. “You persevered. You came out of a horribly traumatic situation a stronger person, a person who knows what they will and will not tolerate from a prospective partner. Trust your intuition, Becky.”