Chapter 21
Two days later, and Alex sat at a small two-seater table in Recker’s tiny kitchenette. While he had a cabin behind the main estate house, he’d been temporarily assigned a suite on the same floor as Alex. She’d been told it was because he was responsible for her while she was at StoneCrow and he needed to be close.
He’d invited her to dinner, and it’d been hard to pretend like nothing had happened the last time they’d seen each other. Worse, when he pulled his phone out of his pocket and set it on the table beside his plate, it was a reminder that he was waltzing around with a half naked picture of her that she’d sent him.
She glanced at the phone again. Idiot!
Tearing her eyes from his phone, she shoved the last of her food around her plate with her fork as unease unfurled in her belly. Dinner had been nice. Recker had made them grilled chicken with rice and vegetables. He was a good cook, and she appreciated how he always went out of his way to prepare something special whenever he cooked for her. But, pleasant meal settled in her belly, it now felt like leaden weight as Recker sat across from her and waited.
“Give me something, Alex. Anything,” he implored.
Honestly, she didn’t know why she was holding out so hard… No, that was a lie. She knew exactly why. She didn’t want Recker knowing the truth and thinking less of her for it.
What does it matter? It’s not like he’s interested in you. She glanced up at him hoping that wasn’t true. They’d spent a considerable amount of time together, and a person would have to be blind or stupid to not see the bond forming between the two of them.
Trust him.
“My…my mom was awesome,” she finally began tentatively. Glancing up at Recker, she saw him watching her intently.
“There wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do for the people she loved,” she continued. “She was a great cook, a great seamstress.” She nodded slowly as her eyes took on a far off look. “She was just a phenomenal human being.” Alex’s expression grew dark. “Then she met a man. My real dad left a long time ago for another woman, another family, and mom never got over it. When ol’ fuck face came around wooing her and saying all the right things, she fell hard. I was happy for her…for a minute. Then the asshole started needing money. Because she loved him, she gave it, but then things started getting weird. She never drank, wouldn’t think of touching drugs, but all of a sudden she and douche bag are going out all the time. They're hitting up the nightlife and going to casinos. He was introducing her to all these things that she’d never had any interest in, and I think at first she feigned it for his sake. She wanted to make him happy, so she was willing to give his life a try. I knew who she was though and that life wasn’t her. I knew she was a strong woman.” Alex paused and blew out a long breath, clasping her hands in her lap and staring up at the ceiling she continued around the emotion that was threatening to clog her throat.
“Apparently she wasn’t strong enough because when he introduced her to drugs, she didn’t say no.” She snorted and shook her head. “Fucking drugs,” she mumbled to herself. When she looked up at Recker, she knew her eyes were haunted.
“There is no hell worse than watching drugs turn the person you love most in this world into someone you don’t even fucking recognize. Day by day she disappeared. I couldn’t help but wonder if I were better, if I were more, would she fight harder? So, I left school and came home. I’d hoped if she saw me making an effort to be there for her that she’d do the same for me.”
“You said she got sick.”
A corner of her mouth lifted. “Sounds better than saying she overdosed and slipped into a coma that she never came out of.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me too. I spent three years watching my mother disappear as a demon took her place. By the end, I felt like I didn’t even know her and I…” Tears flooded her eyes, and she quickly looked away.
“Say it,” Recker commanded as if he knew the mere words could exorcise Alex’s own demons.
“I was relieved in the end.” Alex let her eyes drift closed as her tears breached and an old familiar shame washed over her. “I was glad she was gone because I finally knew she was safe in heaven. No more beatings, no more abuse, no more drugs. It was just…no more.” She sniffed and swiped at her cheeks. “And I’m horrified to admit that part of that relief was for myself. I was so tired of picking up her pieces every time he’d break her. Just when I thought I had her all put back together, she would go racing back and smash herself on his so-called love. It was this never-ending cycle of devastation. I feel like she didn’t even care that I was enduring this hell with her. In the end, there were no remnants of the strong, beautiful mother I’d known. She was weak and pathetic and selfish, and I despise that woman who died in my mother’s body because it wasn’t her. Something dark had infiltrated her and evicted my mother’s soul long before her body ever gave out.”
A smile ghosted her lips, and she closed her eyes tight. “I dream of her now. My mom, the real one.” She lifted a hand and brushed it over her ear. “We’re sitting on a blanket in a beautiful field, and the sun is so bright that I can barely see, and it’s warm. You know the kind of warm that gives you goosebumps, like when you ease your cold body into a hot bath? I close my eyes and lift my face to the sun, and it’s all dappled on my eyelids because it’s filtering down through towering cottonwoods.” She swallowed around the lump in her throat. “And she brushes my hair,” her voice hitched. “And sings to me like she did when I was a kid, and all is right in the world. At that moment, in that dream, I know…” Alex choked on a sob. “I know that somewhere my mom still exists and she is at peace. I know she still loves me.”
She lowered her head into her hands and let her shoulders shake with her sobs. “God I’m such a shitty person. I wished for her to stop torturing my soul. I wanted something to happen.”
She didn’t even realize Recker had moved until her hand fisted in his shirt as he cradled her and whispered at her ear as he rocked her, “It’s alright, Alexandra. Everything is going to be alright. I’m so sorry I asked. I didn’t mean to dredge up old hurts. I just… They had to know and because you’re mine, I…”
Alex looked up with tear soaked eyes. “Wh-what?”
Recker swallowed hard. “My prospect. I meant because you’re assigned to me.”
Alex shook her head, “No. You said they had to know. They who?”
“I put it off for as long as I could, but part of my getting to know if you’re a fit here is getting to know your past. I needed all the details. They—my superiors—needed all the details. I’m sorry, but they had to know.”
And that hurt. It’d been different when she thought he was asking because he wanted to know, but no. They needed the information. She felt manipulated.
Chaffed, Alex eyed the table. “Is-is that what this was? Plying me with food?” Her face instantly reddened in anger. “Feed the poor starving waif, and she’ll give you just about anything?”
Recker had the good sense to grimace. “It wasn’t like that.”
“It wasn’t necessary.” She used both hands to wipe at her cheeks, “And please don’t do it again.” She pushed out of his arms and stepped back from the table. “If there’s something you want from me in the future,” she lifted narrowed eyes to his. “Just ask.”
“Alex, I…”
“Yeah I know,” she ground out. “I misunderstood. You doing all this,” she waved at the table. “I thought we were friends. I thought you were asking about my life because you cared. It’s my fault for forgetting I’m just an assignment to you.” She turned her head away, “But it’s your fault too for pretending to be my friend. I have to go.” She turned and stormed from the kitchen and snagged her jacket on the way. “Thanks for feeding me...again.”
“Alex!” Recker followed her. He reached for her elbow, and as if she’d sensed it, Alex spun and just managed to avoid his grasp.
“Don’t,” she commanded, angry eyes pinning him in place. “I get it,” she bit out. “I won’t misread you again.” Her eyes narrowed, “Don’t mislead me again.” Then she was gone, the door slamming hard behind her.
Recker stared at the door for long minutes after she’d left. “Fffffuck!” He plowed a hand through his hair, and because nothing else seemed more appropriate right now, he cursed again but much louder. “Fuuuuuuuck!”
***
There was a knock on the door and hope soared that Alex had forgotten something. Recker jerked the door open and James stood on the other side head turned facing down the hall. “What in the hell did you do?”
Recker growled. “Fucked things up!”
When James looked at him, his eyes were sparking with sudden interest. He shoved his way past Recker and took a seat at the table, dropping into Alex’s empty chair. “Lay it on me, bro.” He took up Alex’s fork and started shoveling her leftover dinner into his mouth, speaking around a mouthful of food. “I’m great at relationship advice.”
Recker shook his head with an eye roll, closing the door and pacing back to the table. “You’re not even in a relationship!”
James shrugged. “So,” he kept stuffing his face. “That’s by choice. I could have any woman!”
“Really?” Recker crossed his arms over his chest and snorted.
“Really.” James chewed and frowned at Recker like he was annoyed his friend didn’t believe him.
“Short haired, tatted up, girl working the concession stand at the movies in town three months back.”
James snapped his eyes closed and lifted his chin haughtily, swallowing his bite of food before he answered, “It was a slap of affection.”
“Slap of affection!” Recker’s eyes bugged out. “She nearly knocked your damn teeth out, my man.”
James cracked open his eyes and glared at Recker through little slits. “Teeth are overrated. Besides, it was just a love tap. You know, like the ones Alex is always giving you.”
Recker actually balked and then blushed before shaking it off. Sighing, he kicked his chair out before plopping into it and shoving his plate away. “I had to ask about her family. It was part of my assignment. When she was finished, I let it slip that I asked for work and she got pissed because she thought I’d asked out of genuine interest.”
James reached across the table, trying to inch Recker’s plate closer to himself with the tines of his fork. “What a dumb dick.”
Recker’s nose scrunched as he watched James but kept explaining. “I need to find her and explain the parameters of my position, and let her know that I am genuinely interested in her past, but there’s also stuff that they want me to find out.”
James, still focused on snagging Recker’s plate, had his tongue poking out the side of his mouth in concentration.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Recker muttered and shoved the plate across the table.
“Thanks!” James dug into Recker’s plate before swallowing a bite and offering. “Where you screwed up was letting her think you asked out of genuine interest rather than because it’s part of your job.”
“No shit! I just told you that!”
James snapped his eyes. “You need to find her and explain your job duties, but let her know you are interested in her.”
“James!” Recker shook his head in disbelief. “You are literally the worst listener and relationship advisor in the history of listening, relationships, and advice.”
James stopped chewing. “Am not.” He pointed his fork at Recker. “That’d be Legion Knight.”
Recker knew Legion. While the notoriously quiet Walker Sentry avoided relationships like the plague, Recker was certain he’d be better at giving advice than James. Narrowing his eyes on James, he muttered, “Please stop talking.”
“No can do, bro.” James shoved both now empty plates away and stood. “Come on.” He jerked a thumb over his shoulder toward the door. “We need to go find your woman, so you can apologize.”
“She’s not my woman,” Recker muttered. “I’m just in charge of her.”
“O-kay,” James drolled sarcastically. “Let’s go find the woman you’re in charge of who’s feelings are hurt because you’re doing your job and who you’re worried is thinking less of you right now because you don’t want her believing that you aren’t genuinely interested in her past.”
Recker gave James a hard look but stood and followed him out of the suite.