Chapter 30
Recker entered Alex’s small kitchenette and found her sitting on the counter wearing only his button-up shirt. Smirking, he watched her spoon a mound of something between her plump lips and wondered if she had any idea just how sexy she looked right now. Her eyes landed on him, and she smiled as he padded, barefoot, into the kitchen. His pants were back on, but that was all he wore.
When he got to her, he locked his arms on either side of her hips and shook his head at the immediate erection that pressed against his zipper. Hell, just being this close to her was hell on his libido.
She dunked her spoon back into the little plastic cup in her hand and then held it up. “Applesauce?”
He wanted to say no because…well, he didn’t have a vagina, but the way Alex stared at him expectantly had him lowering his head as his mouth opened and he accepted the proffered bite. It wasn’t bad for mushy fruit, but he could think of something else he’d rather have in his mouth.
Smoothing one hand up Alex’s bare thigh, Recker stopped only because she set her apple crap down and grabbed his hand. Looking down she studied it a moment. The pads of her fingers ghosted over his palm and the calluses there. She tried to lace their fingers together, but his hand was too big…or hers was too small. He smiled when she gave up and wrapped her slender fingers around his thumb and held on, settling their linked hands in her lap and beaming up at him.
“You got something more substantial than that,” he jerked his chin to her applesauce. “I need to get a real meal in you before we go speak with Monroe.”
Alex’s brows dipped down. “Monroe?”
“Yeah. You’re gonna tell him that you’re opting out of the breeding program.”
Alex released his thumb and lifted her hands to his chest where she gave him a little shove so she could see his face more fully. “Opting out?”
“Yeah,” he frowned confused that she didn’t know he’d expect that of her after what they’d just shared. “I’m not letting someone else have you, Alexandra.”
“Can’t…can’t you just opt-in?”
And this is where shit got sticky. He was already part of the program, but putting the chances of them being paired up into fate’s hands wasn’t happening. He couldn’t take that risk because if he hadn’t already been afflicted by her, then the odds of him being matched to her were pretty slim.
“I don’t want to take that chance. Do you? What if we aren’t matched? Worse, what if we’re matched with someone else?”
He watched as uncertainty filled Alex’s eyes and her teeth dented her bottom lip.
“It has to be us.” She looked down and fidgeted with the cup of applesauce by her hip. “It feels like it, doesn’t it?”
Recker snorted. “Who knows how any of that shit works?” His words triggered something though because Alex’s mouth fell open.
“You don’t…” She pushed him back to hop off the counter before she shoved past him.
“Alex?” He turned to watch her pace away from him before she stopped.
“You don’t even know, do you?”
“Know what?”
She spun to face him and her beautiful face looked pained. “What you do to me?” She waved her hand around her belly. “About a million times a day just thinking about you gives me these flutter flies. You invade every hour of every day for me and sleep?” She snorted, “I miss it. I can’t even close my stupid eyes without seeing your stupid face! And you have no idea. You don’t even know what you do to me, and it’s not fair.” Alex turned away from him before asking quietly, “Are you even affected by me, Recker Rhodes?”
***
Long moments of silence hung between them and with each second that passed, Alex felt her heart plummet. Of course, he didn’t. She was about to go hide in her room when hands gripped her shoulders and spun her around. She didn’t look up. Facing rejection was humiliating enough without having to watch it be delivered.
“Look at this,” Recker commanded.
She didn’t look up, didn’t care what he wanted to show her.
“Alex, look!”
When she didn’t look up, he held his hand in her line of sight.
“I don’t get it”, she mumbled. “Your hand? What am I supposed to be looking at?”
“At this.” Recker lifted his hand higher, and Alex’s head lifted as she followed it. When it was directly in front of her eyes, she saw then that Recker’s hand was shaking.
Alarm tore through her and jerking her gaze from his hand to his eyes she asked, “Are you alright? What’s wrong?”
He was grinning like an idiot and said, “Nothing.” Jerking his chin toward his still trembling hand, he said. “This is you. This is what you do to me.”
Alex looked back at his hand in confusion.
“When I first realized I liked you like really liked you, I used to get nervous as hell when I was around you. I was always afraid I’d do or say the wrong thing, and you’d think I was an idiot and not good enough for you. The longer you let me near you, the more confident I grew, and my hands stopped shaking from the nerves.”
Alex’s gaze flicked to his, “But…it’s shaking now.”
“Yeah,” he glared at his hand. “It’s from something else now.”
Dipping her eyes back to his hand, Alex asked, “What? What, Recker? Why is your hand shaking?”
“Because it’s hard for me to keep them off you.”
Her rounded eyes collided with his.
“Now every time I see you, my palms literally itch to touch you. I have to fist my fucking hands and force them to my sides to keep from tucking your hair behind your ear, or smoothing a thumb across your soft cheek, or palming that scrumptious ass. When I’m around you, siren, I wanna hold you. This,” he looked back at his hand. “This is me fighting my urges. This is me forcing myself to keep my hands off you.”
Alex watched his handshake a moment longer before she slowly lifted hers and laid her palm against his. His palm was warm and calloused, and when he wrapped his masculine fingers around her dainty ones, it felt like it was where her hand belonged.
Placing her other hand on top of his, Alex lifted his and forced his fingers open before placing his palm against her cheek. “Don’t do that.”
Recker was staring at where his hand rested against her skin. “What?” he asked quietly.
Alex lifted her eyes to his. “Don’t you ever keep yourself from touching me.”
“I shouldn’t touch you,” he whispered. “You’re not mine.”
Alex closed her eyes at the admission. She knew what he meant. There was no affliction. Without it, she wasn’t truly his, and he wasn’t truly hers. Worse, some other woman could come in at any time and end up being his one. Some stranger could be the one that Recker would leave Alex for, and Alex had to decide if that was a chance she was willing to take. Her heart screamed yes. She knew she loved him, knew they could be happy together; yet, her head told her to be fucking smart. She could give her heart to this Walker. She would if they took this any further and what then? What happened when his Angel came along, and Recker was afflicted? Alex would be tossed by the wayside, yet again, and how would she ever recover.
“I want you so damn bad,” Recker whispered, pressing his forehead to hers. “But it’s not fair. I know it’s not fair and selfish prick that I am, I can’t stop myself from wanting it anyway.”
“I want it too,” Alex admitted quietly, afraid of breaking the moment. “You said it’s not instantaneous. It could still happen right?”
Recker pulled back to stare down at her.
“What if it still happens?” she pleaded.
His expression morphed into one of anguish. “What if it doesn’t?”
Alex wanted to cry. What else could she do? She and Recker were attached to each other now, connected, and there was no way to guarantee if that connection was as real as it felt or if it was a fluke. The only way to know for sure came at a great risk and only to her. She’d be the one suffering if she tethered her heart fully to his only to have him ripped away by another woman chosen by destiny.
“I…I don’t know what to do?” Alex whispered.
“I’ll denounce her.” Recker lifted his head, cupping Alex’s chin and tilting it up until she met his eyes. “If you choose me, I’ll denounce her.”
Alex was shocked. “Wh-what?”
“I want you, Alex. I choose you!”
“You can’t,” she stepped back. “That’s not how it works.”
“I don’t fucking care how it works,” he snarled, keeping pace with her slow retreat. “I don’t care what everyone says, I don’t care how it’s supposed to happen. I only care about you.”
“But, Recker…”
“No,” he cut her off, capturing her hand and lifting it to his chest. “Feel this, Alex.”
Beneath her palm, his heart was hammering like the hooves of a thousand wild stallions.
“That’s what you do to me. Believe in that. Believe in us. Let’s do this together. You pick me. You trust me to keep my word, and I’ll pick you back.”
Alex’s mouth dropped open as she stared up at him in disbelief.
“I mean it, siren! I have all the faith in the world that you are mine. And I’m asking you to have faith enough in me to trust that I’ll keep my vow. I’ll never let you go, no matter what.”
“And if your Angel appears?”
She tried to pull her hand from his, but he held firm, his chin dipping as his nostrils flared. Alex was trapped in his intent gaze. “She already has. Trust me. Trust us.” He tapped her hand that was still flattened over his pounding heart. “Trust this!”
God, it was terrifying what this man was asking her to do. He wanted her to take a chance. He was asking her to take a leap off a cliff and have faith that he’d be at the bottom to catch her. Nobody else had ever been there. No other men had held up their end of the bargain in her life. Her father had abandoned her, her brothers followed suit, and yet here was Recker asking her to believe in him and she honestly didn’t know if she could. She wanted to. Every fiber of her fucking being wanted to scream yes, but she’d suffered so much. Experience told her to be smart, but that goddamn hope that was filling her wouldn’t be held down. It kept rearing its ugly head and whispering sweet promises to her stupid ass heart. It was whispering things that she had only ever wished and prayed for in the most private chambers of her heart.
“Please,” Recker begged. “Believe in me, Alex.”
Her mind snapped back to all those countless nights when she sat beside the dumpster behind the diner staring up at the stars and pleading with the universe to believe in her. She knew what Recker was asking, and she didn’t know how she could deny him. How could she not believe in him and still expect the universe to believe in her? She couldn’t.
“Y-yes,” she whispered so quietly that Recker had to dip his head.
“What?” he asked. “What did you say?”
She could already hear it though. His tone of hope-filled urgency had Alex pinching her eyes closed as she nodded, secretly praying that she wasn’t the biggest damn fool on the face of the earth. “Yes,” she answered more loudly.
“Alex,” Recker breathed, both hands cupping her cheeks. When she opened her tear-filled eyes and looked at him, he asked again, “Alexandra?”
She nodded, lower lip trembling. She knew if she spoke, she’d lose her shit, so she just kept nodding.
“Fuck,” Recker dropped to a knee taking one of Alex’s hands with him.
She startled hard, trying to jerk her hand back. “Wait! What are you doing?”
“If we’re doing this, we’re doing it all the way. Marry me, Alexandra.”
“But…your Angel…”
His brows snapped into a frown. “Is standing before me. You’re the Angel of my choosing, Alex, and that makes you all the more significant.” Squeezing her hand, he let his expression soften. “Alexandra Hayworth, will you do me the immense honor of sharing your life with me until our time on this earth ends? Will you be mine and let me be yours, forever?”
Alex was crying now, unsure what to say. Honestly, she hadn’t been prepared for this type of commitment from him. She squeezed his hand back and finally answered, “Yes. Yes, Recker.”
A smile crashed his face, and he shoved up off his knee to crush her to him before lowering his mouth to hers. The kiss was sweet but too brief because he pulled back to beam at her. “Soon. Let’s have the ceremony soon.”