I only came to the hospital because I knew Maria had come with Pain. It didn’t take me long to figure out, and Polina ratted her out so quick when I went to Bubba’s to check in on her. Pain may not remember, but when we were kids he always got the girls. It’s probably why he doesn’t get why I’m so determined to have Maria to myself. I love this girl. Never in my life have I admitted to loving anyone. Never wanted to be that vulnerable I guess, and seeing that my brother is just as close to her only makes me doubt myself. Is she only with me because it means she gets to be with him? That’s all the girls ever wanted, was to get close to me to be near Pain.

It kind of fucks with your head a little bit after a while. Probably the reason I stopped searching for something meaningful and just went around looking for somewhere to stick my dick. I didn’t need an ol’ lady. Whores were good enough for a long time. Then Maria came along...and I haven’t ever looked back. One look at her and I knew she was going to be mine. I just never expected her to want to be my brother’s too. Now I’m kicking myself. The past always repeats itself, right? How could I be so dumb as to think I could be enough for one woman? That they wouldn’t end up choosing Pain over me?

They always pick him.

Shit.. I should’ve never let her play with him in the first place. I put the bait in front of the damn shark. It was my idiocy to think that the shark wouldn’t bite at it.

I left the hospital a few minutes after Maria did, getting judgmental stares from both Trick and Pain. They don’t get it. How could they. Pain would never understand what goes on in my mind when I see her with him. He’d never understand how it makes me feel, the inadequacy, the pain that he gives me. Ironic, isn’t it?

I head for the one place where I know she’ll be, already burying herself in work no doubt. Whenever she’s upset she goes to Bubba’s. She’s not one of those girls who wallow and cry, and lock herself way in their room. She takes that negative energy and puts it into something productive. It’s one of the many things that I love about her.

I barrel through the doors of Bubba’s and head straight behind the bar, knowing that she’s always in the kitchen if she isn’t out waiting on a customer. Some of the Russian dolls jolt in surprise, but Maria doesn’t flinch at all. Almost like she expected me to come here.

“Took you long enough.”

“Get out.” I grumble to the group of girls around us and the two guys Maria hired as cooks a few weeks back. Everyone looks at Maria before they even begin to move, and she nods. Shit, if I wasn’t so mad I’d think that was hot as fuck. They all go out through the swinging door that leads into the kitchen. There’s sure as hell not going to be any privacy here, but frankly I don’t give a damn. Not anymore anyways. Everyone already knows about all of our shit, and what they don’t know, they assume.

I run my hand over my face before I ask her what I’ve been thinking for days. It’s not going to be easy, but I need to ask. If I don’t, then my mind will play more tricks on me and I’ll end up torturing myself. “What is it about me that isn’t enough for you?”

Maria’s face goes from a stern scowl to something like shock, or maybe even sadness. Her guard disappears. “Why do you think that you aren’t enough for me?”

“You obviously want Pain, so I must not be what you want.” I say it plainly, trying my hardest to keep my emotions buried deep within me. I don’t want her to know how upset this really makes me. She’s never seen that side of me, and I don’t ever plan on letting it out.

“Why would you think that, you big idiot?!” She walks right up to me, grabbing on to my hands. “Why do you think that you aren’t enough? Me wanting to please you both has nothing to do with you not being enough. It’s about how you both make me feel. I have always lived in fear, since that day. You and Pain make me feel less afraid. I still have fears, but the two of you block them out. You each know what I need, when I need it...Chaos...?”

“Yeah?”

“You wouldn’t have let me near Pain if you didn’t trust him. I know that. I think...” She looks up at me, obviously holding back.

“You think what?”

“I think that you knew I needed someone who was sensitive too. I didn’t just need your callousness, which I love, but I needed comfort too. Who else would you trust more than your own brother? I just think maybe you’re scared I’m going to pick him over you and I would never do that.”

“Kinda feels like you are.” I point out.

“Because you’re looking at it that way. I haven’t done anything to push you away, it’s been quite the opposite actually. You’re not only pushing me away, but your brother too.” Maria takes her hand and caresses my cheek, smiling up at me. “We both love you in two completely different ways. I know that you are scared, and that you love us even though you have a shit way of showing it. I’m not going anywhere. Trust in that..” Maria kisses me quickly before she turns toward the kitchen door and I’m left there wondering what the fuck just happened.