I don’t know what happened, don’t know how to explain it. He was there, then he wasn’t. He fucked me, and he fucked me hard. It was brilliant but damaging. He remembered me, then he left. I don’t quite understand it, and I stay in the same spot for what seems like ages.
He walked off, didn’t even say goodbye, didn’t want me to come with him. If he remembered me, how could he do something like that? Liam Black wouldn’t have done that to me. Yes, he has pushed me away, and I pushed right back. He wouldn’t have left me, though, I don’t think he could have even he tried. What we had, is hard to describe, and even harder to explain. It’s something people wouldn’t understand. We are two different people, living on two different planets—his is one with no love or feelings and my planet is his.
Jake is at my house when I enter, he takes one look at me, grabs his jacket and storms to the front door. He knows where I’ve been, knows who I was with. I don’t want him angry at Liam, he can’t be.
“Don’t Jake.” He stops with his hand on the door, turns to look at me and grimaces.
“I can get a punch in before he shoots me at least.” He tries to make a joke though it isn’t one. What he says is true. “Tell me what happened, tell me before I make it worse in my head than what it is.”
“He said he remembered, then we…” I stop, to look at him. He nods his head, he understands. “Then he left. Except the way he left, it was like he was punishing me.”
“Punishing you?”
I nod my head.
“So he fucked you in public, then left you?”
I nod my head again, I don’t look up though I hear the door slam as he leaves.
I pace my entry, looking to the door, waiting for him to walk back in. He’s done this before, gotten angry, left, then walks back in a little later. Except this time, I don’t know if he will. I ring Liam, wondering if he will even answer me. To my surprise he does.
“I hate these things,” he grumbles into the phone.
“I know, you always have.”
“Red.”
“Yes, look… Jake is angry with you. He may be there very soon. Don’t shoot him.”
“Shoot him?” he questions me.
“Yes, don’t shoot him.”
“Who is Jake? And why can’t I shoot him?”
I drop the phone, my hands cling to my hair. Really? How is this happening to me? I manage to pick the phone back up, when I do the front door opens and Jake is standing there, his hand is busted, but he’s more relaxed.
“I have to go,” I say into the phone hanging up on him. I don’t wait for a reply or to answer his question. I walk straight to the kitchen, grabbing an ice pack and walking back to where Jake is, still standing in the same spot.
“Thank you.” He winks at me and doesn’t flinch when I place the pack on his knuckles.
“I ain’t promising I won’t get a hit in.”
“I know, just let me deal with it all for now.”
“Have you told him? Told him about Liam?” I shake my head no, he raises an eyebrow at me in question, he always does that to me.
“I don’t think he remembers me.” Jake pulls a tight face, not quite understanding. “I spoke to him. He doesn’t remember you. You should be someone he remembers if he remembers. You were a fixture. I think he only remembers something, not sure what, and I know it’s with me. I just don’t know what exactly.”
“This whole thing is fucked. You know that, right?”
“Also life lifting.”
“How?”
“I wasn’t living before, Jake. I was surviving. I still have nightmares. Now when I have those nightmares, I wake, knowing it’s going to be okay. He’s alive, the devil didn’t take him.”
“The devil?” He shakes his head at me.
“Yes, his blackness. He said it would take him to hell.”
“You’re gonna have to tell him, you can’t wait forever, Rose. He needs to know. Even if he doesn’t remember you, want you, he needs to know he has a child. Let him decide for himself what he wants.”
“He won’t want me?”
“There’s a possibility, Rose, you aren’t embedded on him. You were before, you aren’t now.”
“I’ll embed myself on him again.”
He laughs at me as he grabs the ice pack and walks off.
The kids run to the door, Jake stays down the other end of the house, possibly patching up his hands. My mother smiles at me as she carries Liam in asleep in her arms. I take him from her and thank her, she kisses me on the cheek and leaves. Our relationship has grown, she has grown. She’s dating now, and she’s more involved in our lives.
Hayden smiles and kisses my cheek. I love that boy just like he was my own. To me he is mine. He calls me Mom, and I let him. His parents never once tried to contact him, they took off after they got their money from Liam and never looked back.
“Have you seen him?” Hayden asks as I start preparing tonight’s dinner, he sits on the bench watching me.
“Who?”
“Mr. Black.”
I drop the carrot and look at him. He always called him that, Mr. Black. “Have you?”
He nods his head with confirmation. “Yes, I even got in the car with him. He’s much the same, but somehow different.”
“He is, Hayden?” He smiles at me, and I know how much it hurt him when he died. “Don’t go around Mr. Black, okay? Not until I say so.”
“Why Mom?”
“Please just don’t, will you listen to me?” It’s a lot for me to ask that, he was around Liam for so long, Liam was his savior. He did things for him that he didn’t even know he was doing which was effectively saving his life.
“Okay,” he agrees, and I want to believe him. I do. Except it’s Liam, once you love him, it’s hard to let him go.