My world was crumbling, everything was suffocating me. Tearing me down, bit by bit. I wanted to scream, I wanted to hurt those that inflicted this pain on me, but most of all I wanted to escape, escape into something I knew, something I haven’t touched for over five years. Though, I knew it could make me forget, selfish I know. I want to slap myself for thinking of that as a way of escaping. Why couldn’t I be someone who just got drunk to escape or ever went for a run? Those things are what normal people do isn’t it? Why wasn’t I normal?
I walk into my son’s room, he’s asleep and it’s just like nothing even happened. Like his life wasn’t at risk. He doesn’t see it that way, he sees Liam as his savior, a God. I wish I saw him as that. I wish when I saw him now that it was all birds singing and butterflies. Instead, now its dread, thinking that something’s about to come, something bad.
I’ve been ringing Jake non-stop with no luck. He hasn’t answered his phone. It goes straight to voicemail. Sax hasn’t heard from him and I’m worried. I don’t want to call Liam to ask, I refuse to be the first one. It’s always me pushing things with him, making him realize he’s capable of more. Because he is, so much more. Two weeks though, it’s a long time to not hear from him. Especially, when for five years I spoke or saw him every single day.
“Stop moping,” Casey says from the kitchen, Sax is in there cooking. Casey is eating whatever is in front of her. I don’t know how she hasn’t put on weight. She eats so much, like non-stop when she’s pregnant, and she seems to be pregnant all the time. I don’t think I’ve had a girls night, or drinks, or even gone out at night time for over six years. And before that, I can’t even remember as I was so high.
“I am not moping.” She pulls a face at me, sticking her tongue out.
“You are, you need to go out. You need to have a night just for you.”
“With who? My pregnant best friend? Who’s always pregnant?” I raise my eyebrows at her in question.
“You have work friends, people you have met from your charity. Pick some, just do it.” I watch as Sax smiles at what his wife is saying, she can be pretty persuasive, even when she doesn’t mean to be, or as I like to call it, peer pressure. “Tomorrow night, it’s a Saturday, make plans. We will watch the kids.”
“Hold up, woman,” Sax says dropping the salad into a bowl. He tries to be serious, but how serious can you be while making a salad.
“You hush, I’m hungry, so is the baby,” she says rubbing her belly and smirking at him. He does as she says, shaking his head.
“What do you people wear?” She coughs and chokes on her food, holding up her hand and telling me to wait, then laughs.
“You can’t be serious?”
“I’m not sure if I’m ready, I don’t think I can leave the kids.” The guilt is still there, I know he wasn’t hurt, but he’s my baby. And even if it didn’t traumatize him, it did me.
“They will have me, plus Mister Bodyguard here to protect them. Nothing will happen, and we will be here when you rock up in the early hours of the morning.” I shake my head I don’t know if I can do it. Casey has a look of determination on her face though and I know she will win, she always does.
She barges in without knocking. I watch her waddle—yes, she waddles now. And she comes to a stop in front of me. I’m sitting on my sofa in my pajamas, the kids are in bed and I’m eating popcorn. Her face is serious when I look up because she’s blocking my view.
“Up,” she says, pointing for me to get up. I stay where I am and turn behind me to see Sax standing there holding a garment bag and another bag. He looks bored.
“Where are your kids?” I question her.
“They’re with my mother. I told you, go out, fuck some stranger, come back at four a.m. Dance till your feet are numb.”
“How about you go home, fuck your man, and leave me alone?”
“I’m up for that,” Sax pipes up. We both turn to look at him, his smile is wide.
“We just had sex, seriously Sax?” Her hand is on her hip, it makes me laugh. Her eyes swing to mine, she snaps her fingers and holds out her hand to Sax, he walks over with the bag, the one I know holds a dress. She pulls it out and inside is a red dress. It’s short, beautiful, the color of deep red roses.
“This is for you, now get dressed.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes… or I will sit here all night telling you about how Sax and I have sex in every different position, when and where. And I mean all the gory details.”
“Fuck.”
“Yep, you got it. He likes some kinky shit, and you know how I love to share.”
“Woman, do you have to tell everyone?” He shakes his head at her, his face going red. I can’t help but smile at them. I want what they have.
The music is so loud, I can feel it, the vibration running through me. It’s hard to see, there are flashes of light, but no real lights to see ahead of you. My workmates come here every Saturday night, they’re younger than me, have no kids, and have a life. Sometimes I’m jealous, though I don’t regret any of my kids. I just wish I lived that life, that life that you live when you’re young and experiencing life for the first time.
I spot some of them straight away, they have their own booth toward the bar. They wave me over, I feel old, too damn old. I feel like I have to pull my dress down further—it’s way too short and my heels are too high. It’s not me, I don’t dress like this.
“I can’t believe you came,” Mia says. She’s young, just turned twenty-one. My hands go to my dress again and I start to pull at it. She slaps my hands softly and leans in to hug me, I return the favor and when she stands I see my dress is modest to what she has on. Her top, if you call it that, is showing under-boob, her skirt is high-waisted and her heels make her taller than me.
“Have you had anything to drink?” she asks flagging down the bartender. He comes over and smiles at her. I take look around and see two other girls from work, not much older than Mia sitting down and chatting, they wave briefly to say hello. “This is called a Wet Pussy, we have three each.” I blanch at her. Holy shit. “It’s not bad, trust me.” She lifts the first bringing it to her lips and then picks up mine passing it to me. I watch her then do the same. She’s right, it’s not bad, actually it’s nice and sweet. We do the second and third, then she passes me a mixed vodka to rinse it down with.
“So tell me, where’s that gorgeous man who’s always with you?” Her eyes sparkle and she leans in close like I might tell her he’s gonna pop out a box. Then I think about Jake, and that I haven’t seen him for over two weeks—two weeks is a long time for me to not talk, or even see him.
“He’s left for work,” is all I can say. What do I say? He tortured and possibly killed someone who I thought was a friend, but ultimately betrayed me? That he could be outright killing someone else? Fuck no.
“Well, that man…” she fans herself, “…has an edge of naughtiness to him. You and he, aren’t like a thing are you?” The bartender walks back over, drops two more shots each down in front of us. I take one while she watches me.
“No, just friends.”
She downs her shots. “You’ve never mentioned Liam’s father. I always assumed he was the dad.”
I squeeze my eyes tight, this is the reason I didn’t want to come out. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be answering these types of questions.
“He’s around.”
She nods her head like she understands that I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t. “Let’s dance.”
“I need to use the ladies room first,” I say, as I walk away. He’s on my mind, why must he stick there, like glue? I feel the alcohol, it’s more than I’ve drunk in over five years.
I wish I didn’t drink, I wish I’d seen what was in front of me before I got to the position I now find myself in. Mia is looking at him like she’s never seen someone quite like him before. Maybe she hasn’t. He’s one of a kind after all. He doesn’t look at her as she speaks, his green and dangerous eyes are trained directly on me and they’re not leaving anytime soon.
“Black,” I say and he smirks at me. He knows I don’t use that name, I know I don’t use that name.
“Red,” he replies, and he smirks back. My insides do flips, my hand goes to my belly, hoping it’s from him and not the alcohol.
“You know, Rose?” Mia asks leaning in closer than I would like, to him. Liam doesn’t like it, he pulls back, gaining distance from her. And nods his head. “Great, you should join us for some drinks. We were about to dance.” I shake my head, he’s not joining us, and he does not dance. He sees me shake my head and stands and closes the distance between us.
“You don’t want to dance with me, Rose?” His voice is low, it’s making it hard to say no, making it hard not to want to jump him right here and right now.
I lean in close, my breath on his ear. “You don’t dance, Liam Black.”
I pull back just as he opens his eyes. “I will if it involves you.”
Mia smiles at us and grabs my hand and pulls me to the dance floor, I turn back around to see him following us and immediately my nerves kick in.
People move when he walks, he commands without even commanding. It’s a fascinating thing to watch. He doesn’t pay attention, he doesn’t notice the stares he brings upon himself, his eyes are fully trained on me.
She stops and starts moving, I stand there and feel him behind me. He doesn’t move, I didn’t expect him to. Liam Black is not a man with moves, not on the dance floor that is. Other things? Yeah, he has them down pat.
I don’t know why I do it. I could blame the alcohol, I could blame the lack of sleep I’ve had or the fact that I’m having a night of not having to worry, but I do it. I bring myself backward, my hips slowly moving to the rhythm, and my back comes into contact with a very hard Liam. His first instinct is to wrap his hands around me and hold me tight, making it hard for me to move at all.