He doesn’t listen, will he ever? I don’t even grab the bat when I walk out. I know it’s him, he grunts every time he knocks something or kicks a toy with his foot. I can see him from where I stand, his hand is holding his ear. He’s ruffling through my cupboard dressed in all black. He swears when he can’t find what he’s looking for, hushed under his breath.
“Liam…” His head swings to my voice, he can’t see me, the darkness of the hallway is blocking his vision. “What are you doing here?” He steps toward me, two steps and he’s another two steps away, which he doesn’t take.
“I can’t help it.”
“Help what, Liam.”
“I can’t seem to stay away.”
“You can’t keep on doing this. You can’t do this to us.”
“I don’t want to, but I can’t seem to stay away,” he repeats.
“I don’t want you to stay away, I want you to stop what I know you’re doing. It will ruin us.”
He nods his head in agreement but I know he’s lying. I know he's doing it to please me, and right now I am too tired to fight him and too tired to care.
“Come to bed.” He reaches behind him and grabs a towel, places it on his ear and walks to me. I stand where I am waiting for him to reach me. He takes my hand in his, and I melt just that little bit more.
“Rose.”
“Yeah.”
“I love you.”
Stop. Everything just stops. He squeezes my hand as I stare at him, unblinking, with my heart racing.
“You remember?”
“I do.”
“You left me.” A sob screams free from my chest, it hurts, it all hurts. He knows me, and he loves me. His hand touches my cheek. I can smell gas on them, I don’t care, I don’t want to know.
“Never, I just had to find you again.”
“I had your baby.”
“You did.”
“He’s just like you.”
“That would be scary. No one should be like me.”
My hand reaches out and grabs his shirt tightly, I clench it between my fingers. “I’m allowed to touch you?”
He nods his head, I sneak my hands under his shirt and place them on his heart. He moves in closer to me, his head leaning down on my head where he kisses me.
“Where do we go from here?” I ask him. I don’t want to assume, I want him to choose.
“Wherever you are.” And that’s all it takes.
The days that followed were a mixture of highs and lows. I assumed having him back would make things right, I was wrong. He’s changed, I’ve changed, and the family has changed. When it’s just him and me, I see him. When it’s everyone, I lose him. He goes back to that black box he shuts himself inside. And I wonder if I am enough to pull him from it. I don’t think I am, then I see the way he looks at me. The way his green eyes sparkle when he stares just at me. It gives me hope that he’s still all in there.
Isabelle is currently talking to him, he’s looking at her, but paying no attention. He’s like this. I watch from a distance hoping something will come back, that he could possibly be the same. I just have to face facts that he isn’t.
“Liam.” He doesn’t acknowledge me, he doesn't hear anything. I repeat his name. He turns so he looks at me, and Isabelle goes back to watching the television.
Jake walks in while Liam sits there and stares at me. He doesn’t move, just sits. Jake looks from him to me, then pulls me into the kitchen. He leans casually against the bench, his hands cling to the edge of it.
“What’s wrong?” I shake my head, I don’t know, I really don’t know. In the bedroom, when it’s just him and me, it’s him. Around others, he’s someone I don’t know.
“Is he closing off?” I was looking at the ground, my head snaps to him, I can feel the tears wanting to release. I manage a nod.
“He isn’t like you and me, Rose, he’s something entirely different. He’s been trying, Black would never try. He always tries with you, and you know that.”
“I know.” I do, I know who he is. I know this isn’t him. A family life isn’t him.
“Has he been working?”
“No, he stays here.”
“Why?”
“Because I asked him to, I don’t want that life for the kids.”
“What about him?”
“I don’t want it for him either.”
“Do you think you can choose that for him?”
“No.”
“So why are you?”
“Because he’s mine, and I am his. That’s the way it is, that’s the way it’s always been. He knows this.”
“It isn’t him, don’t force him to do something he’s not. He’s only doing it because he loves you, and he wants to make you happy. Though it’s killing him, you’re taking away his life. It’s all he knows, but you're taking it.”
How dare he?
“I am not taking anything. Don’t you say that!” The verge of tears has left, and in its place is anger.
He puts his hands up in surrender. “I’m not saying these things to hurt you, it’s just who he is.”
“It’s not, he wanted it before.”
He takes a step closer to me. “He isn’t the same as before.” I know this. I just don’t want to believe it.
“I have to go,” he says looking out to Liam. He stops on his walk out and leans down whispering in his ear. Liam turns back to look at me, pinning me with his stare, not blinking. Jake stands and slaps him on the back as he walks out, smiling at me.
I watch as he stands and walks over to me. Standing directly in front of me, he looks down at me. His body language is that of a stranger like he doesn’t know me. There’s no warm gestures, no inkling for me to offer any advances.
“I need…” he looks behind, his eyes going to where the kids are then back to me, “…I need alone time. You and me.”
“Okay.”
“I have to go, be ready later.” I nod my head, and he leans in kissing me on the lips, no tongue, just a soft kiss. I take it, breathe him in, and love every second of it. His lips leave mine, his forehead stays on mine and his beard tickles my chin. None of it matters, all that matters is we try. It has to work.
I don’t see him for the rest of the day, but I hear him when he pulls up, the rev of his engine indicates it’s him. Sax and Casey are having the kids, so I’m free to do what he wants. I peer out the window, just watching what he does. He sits in his truck longer than necessary, his hands on the wheel, sunglasses covering his face. He looks up and sees me while sitting a little longer just staring, as I watch him, unsure of what’s happening.
He doesn’t knock when he comes to my door, I haven’t moved from the spot by the window looking out at him. I hear his boots as he walks up behind me. His hand reaches out and touches my shoulder.
“We should go.”
“Okay.” He grabs my bag that’s by the door and throws it into the back, I climb in wondering what we’re doing—where we’re going.
He drives for a long while, I sneak glances at him every chance I get. He doesn’t move his eyes from the road or speak as he drives. We finally come to a stop and I’m half asleep. It’s a dam, an enormous dam. I can see camper trailers out further away, with boats and jet skis. I look to him, then back to the dam.
“Why are we here?”
His hands lift from the steering wheel, he removes his glasses to look at me. “I came here a lot. I never understood why back then. I think it had significance to you.”
“What do you mean?”
“The water, it reminded me of you. I could see you a bit clearer when I couldn’t see you at all out here. I know it’s not the other place, I never intend to take you back there, but this place… it reminds me of you and it helps me remember you.”
“I fell in love with you within the water. I lost you in the water. Lakes, dams like this, they scare me now. I searched for you, for hours in one of those, so did Jake.”
“He told me.”
“Why would you think I would want to come back to one?”
“Because I do, Rose, I want to come to one.”
“It hurts me.”
“Every day living hurts me. It hurts me that you know that I can’t do this. It hurts that I know I can’t.”
My mouth drops open. What’s he saying?
“You don’t love me?”
He opens his door, walks around and opens mine. He pulls me so my legs hang out and he stands directly between them, his hands on my hips. “I do. Sometimes, it’s not enough, though.”
“What are you saying, Liam.”
He pulls me so I’m close to him, and he touches my lips with his fingers. “I’m saying, let’s have tonight.”
“Only tonight?” I shake my head, I can’t do that.
He stills my head by placing both hands on either side. “I can only guarantee tonight.” I don’t know what to say to that, or how to feel. He steps away, giving me some space. I hear him ruffling in the back but I sit in the same spot trying to gather my thoughts, trying to understand what he’s saying. Why he is saying these things? Then it clicks, I know why.
I jump from the truck and run to the back, he’s lifting an Esky off and making a bed, he stops when he sees me and the look on my face.
“You don’t want to stop. You can’t stop.”
“I can’t.”
“You can, you just haven’t tried.”
“It’s who I am, it’s what I do. I am not a man who could work a nine to five job, Rose, then come home and play the family man. It’s not me. Don’t try to make me that.”
“What happens after tonight, Black?” His eyes go wide at the use of that name coming from my lips. He knows I’m angry. “You want to fuck me like I’m some hooker? Have your fill of me? Get your closure?” His strides are determined, so are mine as I back away from him. He stops when he sees me doing so. His face is mixed with anger and sadness, so unusual to see on him.
“Yes, I want my fill of you. I am selfish, and I want it. But I want you happy even more. I can’t change yet, it’s not who I am. I will not hold you hostage to me while I wait to see if it’s something I can do. You don’t deserve that after what you’ve been through. So tonight I’m being selfish. I am going to take you, I am going to have my fill. Though don’t think for a second I will get closure or that I would ever think of you like a hooker. I fucking love you, Rose Miller, I just can’t love all of you if I am miserable.”
“You would think to be with the person you love would make you anything but miserable.”
HHHe shakes his head at me. “I’ve been trying, the last few days I have been trying. I am not going to drag this out. What good would that do for anyone?”
He’s right, if it’s not what he wants, I can’t force him. Even though it’s not fair, I just got him back, now I have to lose him again. Life isn’t fair.