Chapter 24 | Adam
Now that Adam had some degree of closure, even though it hadn’t taken the form he imagined it would, he could move beyond it.
Hopefully, he could fall right back into a routine; back into his life before Wade. He’d lived his whole life without Wade. He didn’t need him.
The first time he snapped at Benjamin, he didn’t realize it until days afterward. Benjamin didn’t say anything at the time, but they talked through it later, and Adam apologized for being an ass.
Adam resolved to keep it better under control. His family didn’t deserve the stinging rebukes he dished out for no reason.
The second time was directed at Cade, who just gave him the finger in return. That jolted him out of his funk, and he apologized to his brother before things could grow tense between them.
The third person to get an ear lashing was the UPS man, of all people. The box he dropped on their porch contained bottles Grannie had been expecting. They were no good broken. Adam stormed out of the house and caught up with the delivery man before he could drive away. By the time Adam was done, he felt worse about himself than he ever had.
Adam never lost his cool like that.
It took his grannie pulling him aside to drive the point home: He wasn’t hiding it as well as he thought.
“Adam, honey,” Grannie said to him as they sat on the back porch swing. “I can’t begin to understand your feelings of anger and betrayal, but I do know that negative energy has hooked itself into you, fiercely protecting your tenderness and love for the man.” She gathered up his hands. “You have such a capacity for love and kindness and a talent to help others heal and find balance. Don’t let this destroy you. Don’t let it poison you.”
It was funny, and Adam started laughing because she was right.
Of course, she was right. She was Grannie.
“I know, Gran. It’s like… I’m standing outside myself, watching what a jerk I’m being to everyone. I can’t even claim I'm powerless against it.” He sighed and leaned against her as they swung slowly. “I’m afraid if I let go of the anger, I’ll bleed out, and there won’t be anything left.”
“A valid fear, Adam.” She wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him close to her. The scent of her herbs, once again, provided the relaxed comfort he needed to breathe without bitterness and resentment clouding his thinking. “But that’s the good thing, and the bad thing about wounds to our hearts. They don’t kill you physically.”
“Is that the good or the bad?” Adam choked on a sob as tears slid down his face.
“Well, I guess that’s for you to figure out. Whether it is or not, you’ll still be alive at the end of it, and we’ll still be here.”
It took almost a week after leaving Wade’s apartment for Adam to move beyond his anger. A week of daily meditation to release all the negative energy that leaked out of him.
He recognized the five steps of grief as he moved through them: Isolation, anger, bargaining… they all had their hold on him at times.
Depression was the next step. Adam knew better than to let it gain an unbreakable hold on him.
Getting into a routine was the answer. Even if he were going through the motions at first, eventually, the rote, cardboard feeling of existence would give way to healing. The advice he gave clients all the time to help them was exactly what he needed to follow for himself. Otherwise, what good was that advice?
Adam buckled down in his focus. He returned to regular meditation. To help keep his mood elevated, he pulled out all the stops on his knowledge and put it to good use. With a regimen of herbal remedies, it would help him find his center again.
Once he was able to get through a day without feeling like he wanted to dissolve in a depressed heap, Adam began to extend his reach. He got back in the processing room with Grannie, helping her package and inventory the herbs for the store.
His brothers were in and out constantly with distractions. Benjamin came, with offers to go to art museums for the calm and contemplative nature of viewing beauty. Cade would coax Adam out for hikes and walks to gather wild herbs or simply take in the sunset or sunrise along the beach.
Day by day, Adam acknowledged his depression before allowing it to move through him. Depression would soon give way to acceptance. When that happened, Adam believed he would have moved on.
It still hurt to think of Wade. Adam missed the island. The simple life. The solitude. The day-to-day activities provided their own sense of meditation when they’d been on the island. It had instilled an appreciation of the things he had in his life.
Adam would give it all up to be back on the island with Wade.
Yet, every morning, Adam awoke in his bedroom with reality asserting itself again. That he was home. That his family was there to help him. And to remind him that all things change.
After many days of slowly healing, Adam announced at dinner, “I think I’m ready to go back to work, Gran.”
Cade reached across him for a biscuit and Adam poked at his arm with his fork. His brother gave him a broad smile and shoved the biscuit in his mouth.
“It’s still so soon,” Grannie said, passing him the mashed potatoes. “I’ll understand it if you want more time. Benjamin has been a big help.”
“No, Adam, please come back,” Benjamin said as he set everyone’s iced tea next to their plates. He settled in his chair across from Adam. “After nine months, I still need a cheat sheet just to tell which herb is which, much less what they do.”
“Don’t rush him.” Grannie took their hands and offered the blessing before dinner started. “Adam, I want you to know that it’s okay to take all the time you need.”
Adam appreciated the space and time his family gave him to get back into the swing of things. At this point, it began to feel as if he were being treated with kid gloves.
He didn’t want to think that he was that fractious. Even if he was, Adam knew how to heal and recover. He simply needed to get back in the trenches and work it out. Feeling like a porcelain doll only made matters worse.
“I want to come back, Gran. I have to get back into life here.” Adam slathered butter over his hot biscuit. “And…” Adam looked at her before continuing, “I want to start taking clients again.”
Benjamin smirked at Cade. “You owe me ten bucks.”
Cade waved his fork. “I’ll get it to you at payday.”
“Oh my God,” Adam said, looking at his brothers like they’d grown four heads between them. “You guys were running a bet?”
Benjamin shrugged and shoved a slice of chicken breast in his mouth so he wouldn’t have to answer.
Cade glowered at Benjamin and rested his elbows on the table to pin Adam with a stare. “You’ve been a mess since you got back, Adam. But we know you, and knew that eventually you’d figure out you need to be working again. It’s how you process your anxiety.”
With a sigh, Adam put his silverware down. “I have to work, Gran. I need to. Even they can see it.”
Grannie gave him a considered look. Her lips pressed into a thin line. She had the final say on the shop and its workings. Adam was almost afraid she’d say no.
Instead, she relented with a droop to her shoulders. “Benjamin has been making a mess of things.”
“Hey,” Benjamin protested. “I told you that’s not my forte. Adam is the one with the natural ability.”
“All right. You come back to the shop, and I’ll start setting up client appointments for you. I've had a backlog for months now.” Grannie tapped the back of Adam’s hand to keep his attention. “But if I start to see stress cracks, baby, I’m pulling you out until you’ve had more time to heal.”
Relieved that she’d allow him to go back to work, he nodded vigorously. “I promise, Gran. I’m up for it now.”
He had to be up for it. The job would put the crushing disappointment of what happened with Wade out of his mind. Through helping others, Adam believed he could best help himself.
He honestly didn’t have another choice. It was this or come completely undone.
Adam didn’t survive for four months on a deserted island to fall apart now.
Even if he was alone.