There goes another one. The distance is shorter this time. My heart twists in my chest as we pass yet another sign announcing that Portland is lurking only minutes away. This is almost it. I wanted a fresh start, a new beginning. So, why does it feel like the end?

I sniff and cling onto Ryan, like I can somehow hold him tight enough that he’ll never go. He pulls off the freeway and follows the exit that winds up into the city and I try to think of the possibilities waiting for me here.

Remember what Shirley said? I’m still young enough that I can do anything. Maybe even the dream I’ve kept locked up inside for years now. The crazy idea, that if you told me a few days ago I could actually pursue, I’d laugh in your face.

The motorcycle rumbles loudly over the other cars closing in around us. Like that rambunctious kid in the library who no amount of shushing will quiet down. In the city, no one gives us a second look. Here we disappear into the crowd. Just another couple out for a ride. It eases the whispers of fear that have been sneaking up on me, breathing uncertainty into my plans.

It was a good idea to come here. My nana will be thrilled to have me back again. It’ll be the perfect place to start over. A place where Wolfe will have an impossible time trying to find me. I’ll finally be… home. It’s funny how when I was younger that word didn’t carry any weight with me. Now, I fully understand just how important it is to have that safe place to fall.

Why doesn’t Ryan want that?

As the familiar city unfolds around me, I don’t feel anything I expected in this moment. I pictured excitement spilling out of me, like those Christmas mornings when Santa was still magic and I couldn’t wait to see what he’d left me under the tree. Instead, it’s more like the time I got caught shoplifting a candy bar and I spent almost an hour in the store’s security office waiting for my grandmother to come collect me. That same dread twists down my lips and tears at my insides now.

I tap Ryan’s right shoulder three times, our code for pulling over at the next place he can manage. I’ve been using this a lot today. Between all the pit stops and how long I dragged out eating my lunch, he probably thinks I’m sick. Although, if my frequent requests have bothered him, he hasn’t shown it. And he didn’t try to rush me at lunch either. I’ve been secretly trying to kill enough time that we’d need to spend another night together. I know it wouldn’t change much, but when you’re counting your time in hours, an extra night feels like the world.

Ryan pulls in at a huge gas station. The type that caters to truckers with their greasy spoon restaurants and shower facilities. When he brings the bike to a stop, he pulls off his helmet and I tug the one he bought for me in the last city free from my head.

“Need a break?” He searches my face for answers to questions he hasn’t asked.

“I guess so.” I don’t try to move away from him, needing the heat of his body pressed into mine.

“You looking forward to getting to your nana’s?” Ryan’s voice is as flatlined as my heart right now. Like he just doesn’t have any life behind his words.

“Yeah, sure. It’ll be nice to be home, I guess.” I shrug. Inside I have that light bulb going off moment. Like, if I were a cartoon, Ryan would see it suddenly turn bright over my head right now. “Hey, have you ever spent any time in Portland?” I ask hopefully. Maybe I can drag this out for more than just an extra night. I might be able to play tour guide and show Ryan all the coolest spots around the city. Maybe he could start picturing himself here, fitting in amongst the hipsters and hippies. Maybe…

“Nah, I’ve never been.”

My heart grows about two sizes as a smile tugs up my lips for the first time all day.

“If I ever head back this way, maybe you can show me around someday.” He gives a weak smile.

The air deflates inside me, leaving me as limp and lifeless as a popped balloon. Clearly he’s not interested in sticking around once he’s fulfilled his end of the promise. Still, I’m not entirely ready to throw in the towel. Not yet.

“Well, maybe I can show you one thing before you take me to my nana’s. There’s a park. I think it’s about twenty minutes from here, and it’s my absolute favorite place to go in Portland. Do you wanna check it out?” I hold my breath and search his face for a clue.

“A park?” His eyebrows knit together.

“Yeah, like a protected park. Not like the kind with swings or whatever,” I explain.

Ryan looks out at the horizon and then back at me. “It means it’ll be dark when I get you to your grandmother’s, but if you don’t mind, I’m game.” For the first time his voice has depth to it again. Instead of the monotone he’s been speaking in all day.

“Nope, I don’t mind at all. She’ll still be up. Like I said, she’s only sixty. It’s not like she calls it a night at seven or anything.” I can’t hide the excitement buzzing through me. Just the promise of another hour with Ryan is enough to rush the blood in my ears and make my cheeks burn.

“Sounds good.” He looks at me expectantly and I’m not sure what he wants.

“What’s up?”

“Didn’t you want to stop to, you know, use the bathroom?” He tilts his head.

Of course I’m not going to tell him I just wanted to stop to have more time with him. “Uh, yeah, right. Okay, wait for me.” I hop off the back of the bike and head toward the store.

With each sway of my hips, I build the distance between us. I thought I heard him say something, but I can’t be sure. Is my mind just playing tricks on me? Is my heart just hearing what it wants to? Because I’m almost certain the breeze carried a single word from his lips to my ear.

“Always.”