Chapter 1

 

Julie picked up the small ornate crimson pillow and shook it, trying to get the damn thing to sit right and accent the dull cream-colored couch she just had to have a few months back. She put it back down and stepped away, tilting her head to the side, and growled.

Grabbing it angrily, she beat it against the arm of the couch over and over as realization dawned on her. Things would never go back to the way they were before. Nothing would look the same or feel the same. It couldn't. Simon had taken their lack of passion and created his own—with someone else.

Tears burned her gaze, though she couldn't begin to contemplate where they came from. She had cried a hundred times over the last week after hearing his admission about sleeping with Pam. Plastic Pam. There was some part of her that was grateful it was him to be the one to tell her the truth, and yet, all she could hear was his voice breaking slightly and her heart shattering as he informed her of his infidelity.

A part of her couldn't blame him. She was lonely too and tired of living with a roommate that grumbled about the dirty dishes and the temperature of the air conditioner ad nauseam.

"When did it happen? We used to be so good together." She tossed the pillow onto the couch and walked to the kitchen to find something horrid to lose herself in. She had taken a few days off from the hospital out of necessity, but she would be going back soon. Sitting at home and letting her upcoming decisions tear her in half was far less than she might consider healthy.

Life would go on and they would either work things out, or get a divorce. The sorry bastard had been sleeping in his office for the last week, or so she assumed.

"He might be snuggled up to Pam for all you know." Julie swallowed the bile that rose in her throat as a full-body shiver ran through her.

The fact that Pam had been interested in her husband was a given. Most women would pay top dollar for a night with the illustrious Dr. Simon Paulk. He was tall and well-built, his body in prime condition as most college athletes kept theirs in. His dark hair and deep green eyes made a girl's heart palpitate irregularly and it still did hers when she let herself think about it.

Wiping at her tears, Julie pulled a carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream from the freezer and went for the pickles in the fridge. A spoon and roll of paper towels later, and she was on her expensive couch eating like tomorrow might not come.

Things had gone from simple to complicated after Simon admitted to having slept with another woman. Making the decision to tell him to get his shit and get out would have been easy, but she discovered the next day that evidence of their union lay in her belly.

She had yet to tell Simon about the baby, but she would have to sooner rather than later. This was her first pregnancy, and though she was a neurosurgeon, she had taken more than enough courses in med school to know that her baby bump was sure to show before long.

Working things out with her husband seemed the only answer now that a child was involved. Having come from a single family home, she wanted the baby to have a chance at normalcy if at all possible.

"What's normal, really?" she grumbled and reached for the remote as the phone buzzed beside her. Simon's number popped up and she hit the silence button, not ready to talk to him about anything.

The first few days after he called with his confession, she had worked beside him, ignoring him completely, as if he didn't exist. The strain of trying to keep her emotions together led to spotting and she took a short leave of absence, not needing to lose the baby and have that weigh heavy on her too.

Her best friend, Charity, must have called Julie's mother, because she showed up and stayed a few days, making things far worse by her continuous harping to drop Simon on his ass.

It just wasn't that simple.

Julie took another large bite of the ice cream and shoved half a pickle in her mouth as her phone buzzed to life beside her again.

Simon.

"Oh for fuck's sake!" She pressed the talk button and swallowed hard, not taking the time to chew the contents of her mouth. Turning her head, she coughed a few times as Simon's voice filled her senses.

"Jules! You okay? Jules?"

She swallowed again and got up, spilling ice cream on the couch and dumping the pickles on the Persian rug below her. She managed to squeak out a word in the midst of her choking. "Fine."

"Jules. Baby, I know you're upset. Let me come over there. You've been gone for three days and I honestly can't stand not seeing you. I need to know you're all right."

She rolled her eyes and stopped by the sink, grabbing a small glass Simon left sitting there for the middle of the night should either of them get up.

After taking a quick sip, she caught her breath. "I'm fine. I'm not emotional, you ass. I was choking on a pickle."

"Um... a pickle?" His voice held a twinge of condemnation.

"Yeah, a real pickle from a jar. Not the kind your new girlfriend likes to choke on." She cringed as the words left her mouth. The last thing she wanted to do was let him know just how badly she was hurt by his actions. He had taken something that was once incredible and given up on it completely.

"Jules. I didn't mean it like that. Please, let me come over. I'll call in and take the afternoon off. I need to see you." His voice was tight with heavy emotion.

"Don't you have that old ID of mine still in your wallet? You know, when I was a resident at the hospital and you and I were just starting to play the game we thought might lead to forever?" Bitterness coated her words and she realized she needed to get off the phone. She had two choices. Talk to him and let him hear the pain in her voice or ignore him completely.

Ignoring him would have to work. She wasn't willing to play the pitied fool in front of anyone.

"Yes. Of course I still have it." He seemed to be choosing his words carefully.

Good. Too bad he didn't choose his actions with the same amount of focus as well. "Great. So pull it out and stare at it. That's as good as it's getting today, buddy."

"When are you coming back to work? We miss you here."

"Soon. Have a great day, Simon, and tell Pam I said hello." She dropped the call and chucked her phone into the living room. The sound of it breaking something caused her emotions to rip forward. Pressing her hands to her face, she let out a long sob and bent over until her elbows pressed against the counter.

Why wasn't she enough for him? Yes, things had gotten bad at home and the two of them weren't communicating much at all, but they were still Simon and Julie. When had her simply being her become less than enough to keep hold of her husband’s attention?

The last time they'd made love had been two months before, the night having been fun and filled with laughter and their favorite bottle of red wine.

Tears dripped down her arms as she let the gravity of their broken future wash over her. The sound of her phone buzzing caused something to unleash inside of her and she jerked her head up and screamed into the nothingness around her.

"Go the fuck away! Leave me to my pain, asshole. Find someone else to care for because I'm not your concern anymore." Her throat ached at the extreme force of her words. The tremor that raced through her left her dizzy, but she had been in the same scenario, broken and ready to give up more times than not over the last week.

A sharp pain laced the center of her stomach and she groaned, leaning over and pressing her palm to her stomach.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, knowing that the gravity of her physical suffering could harm the baby and yet not being able to do anything about the warring emotions that ran through her without fail each time he called or she ran across some memory they once shared.

Liquid pooled between her legs and she let out a soft gasp as her white cotton pants bled crimson.

"Oh no! No, no, no, no! Fuck!" She stood up and raced to the bathroom to clean herself up. "I'll just lie down and everything’ll be okay."

She barely made it to the bedroom before another sharp cramp crippled her and she sunk down to her knees, using the door to the bedroom to help her descend. The house phone rang beside her and she grabbed it, not thinking twice before answering it.

"Jules. Simon called and he's..."

She cut Charity off as a sob left her. "Call 9-1-1 for me. I'm bleeding. It's the baby."

"What? Oh crap! Stay right there and I'll call them now. I'll meet you in the ER. Calm your nerves, sweetie. Everything’s going to be okay."

"Just call them." Julie hung up and crawled slowly toward the bathroom as blood smeared on the lightly tanned carpet below her. She forced herself not to think about what was happening, though she knew all too well what the result of her situation was.

She had let the emotion of her crumbling marriage and Simon's infidelities steal the life in her belly. It was more her fault than his and where she might eventually forgive him for his lying and cheating, she would never forgive herself for this.

Crumbling beside the bathroom door, she cried softly until two of the guys she liked best from the hospital raced in and picked her up off the floor.

The sound of the sirens was almost a comfort as she closed her eyes and drifted off into a deep sleep from the calming drugs they pumped into her system.

"It's going to be okay, Dr. Paulk. Hang in there."

Dr. Paulk? Her or Simon? Was Simon with her?