Chapter Nine

Xander

 

I couldn’t believe what just happened, how bold she’d been. Even still, there was innocence about her, something so sweet I could taste it on my tongue. I rolled to my side, lifting my weight from her petite body, suddenly worried I’d hurt her. “Are you okay?” I sighed, scanning her expression for any signs of pain.

“I’m great,” she smiled.

Damn, that smile. She was beautiful, too beautiful to be stuck in the woods with the likes of me. Someone had to be looking for her, desperate to know she was safe. “Do you need anything?” I asked, starting to work my way out of the bed. Her thin arms reached around me, pulling me back to her, by her side. I didn’t fight it, even though I wasn’t certain how I felt about lying next to her, to anyone. I hadn’t slept with a woman in years, and even then, it felt odd.

“Stay with me,” she whispered in my ear.

My body relaxed back onto the mattress, my arm curled under the warmth of her body to hold her into my chest, and suddenly, I was content right where I was.

The wind blew wildly outside the window, bringing more white snow to barricade us inside the warm cabin. The fire was strong, several logs still situated near the fireplace, and I knew it would be a couple hours before I needed to tend to it. I didn’t want to move, to leave my spot snuggled up beside Bailey, if that was her real name. I worried about who was out there looking for her, but worried more about them finding her as I drift into a calm sleep.

The wind took me back to the ship, and the darkness filling my mind turned into the violent sea. Aboard the ship, along with my men, we guarded pirates taken hostage from their ship. At first, the dream was soothing, watching the smiling faces of the brothers I loved. Liam, short and stocky, but made of steel, grunted as he lifted the heavy lock from the main door to the deck. A couple stayed behind, but not Elijah, not Isaac, and not Tommy. My heart raced at the realization of my dream, and suddenly it was no longer soothing. I watched helplessly, knowing I was unable to alter the nightmare I’d relived time and time again, as the men climbed the small metal staircase to the upper deck where I waited. A wave blasted over the deck just before Liam could close the heavy door, letting the bitterly cold salt water run down the steps to the hostages and the men who stayed to guard them.

Sirens shook me, calling me to duty as an approaching ship was spotted up ahead. I ran the stairs, spiraling around and around until reaching the top where I quickly loaded the cannon, pushing a young SEAL from his position. My hands were shaking as the first blast rocked our massive ship. The men below scrambled to their positions, none of them concerned for their own safety, only the safety of their brothers, their ship. I sent the blast towards the coordinates yelled in my ear by the younger boy to my right. I knew what the next blast would bring, and I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. It was like I was being punished, forced to watch the painful memory over and over again. My eyes watched Elijah and Tommy, red lights flashing around them, then a fiery blast surrounding them, tearing through the metal of the deck. That scream, I’ll never forget that scream. “Nooooo!” Elijah yelled to the night, holding Tommy in his arms while Isaac rushed to their side. I wanted to scream out, but nothing, just silence and an ache in my throat. The darkness swallowed me, like an angry wave of the sea pulling me in as I thrashed around to pull from its grasp.

“Xander?” a sweet voice woke me, but it didn’t shake the feeling of being back there on that ship, on that dreadful night.

My eyes stared into Bailey’s. She looked frightened, and I wasn’t sure what I’d said in my sleep, what I’d done. “I’m okay,” I assured her, even though I wasn’t. But I would be. I’d been through this before, many times, and I knew it wouldn’t be the last. This was part of my punishment for not saving the men, for not saving Tommy.

Bailey’s hand slid up my arm, causing me to jerk away. I wasn’t ready for condolences, not yet, maybe not ever.

My hands were shaking. I quickly shoved them behind my back, not willing to show Bailey any vulnerability. I was supposed to be the strong one, the hero, the one who would look after her and keep her safe. I pulled from the bed with her hand clasping at my arm. She pulled me back towards her, her eyes filled with confusion, concern, and maybe pity.

“Stay with me,” she whispered, tightening her grip on my arm.

A part of me wanted to, but I pulled away anyhow, hard, and without concern for her feelings.

I grabbed a log, shoved it on the fire and poked around while I felt her eyes piercing into my back. I didn’t even look back as I moved to the couch. I pulled the blanket over me that was neatly folded on the arm, and stared up at the ceiling until my eyes grew heavy enough to close once again.

When I woke in the morning, Bailey was still sound asleep. I placed another log on the fire, and then started the coffee. I felt like a piece of shit for jerking away from her last night. I knew she wouldn’t understand, and I really didn’t feel like explaining it to her. Hell, I didn’t truly understand it all myself.

Bailey squirmed under her blankets, turning towards me with open eyes. She watched me silently while I lifted the coffee pot over the fire. “Coffee?” I asked.

She nodded with a slight smile growing on her face. Her eyes were bright and cheerful, especially for such an early morning hour. “How’d ya sleep?” I asked, hoping to kill some of the awkwardness I felt from the night before with small talk. How could’ve I just left her like that, after making love?

“It was a little chilly without you beside me,” she purred.

“I’m really sorry,” I apologized, hanging my head humbly in front of me.

“PTSD?” she questioned.

I turned to her, my eyes curiously searching for judgement, but found none. “Yes. My lovely parting gift from the SEALS,” I chuckled half-heartedly.

Bailey sat up, and scooted to the edge of the mattress. “You must’ve had some bad experiences mixed in with all those good memories,” she observed.

I shrugged, trying to offer up a smile, even though faint. “I guess.”

“Do you have nightmares a lot?” she pushed into my personal life without invitation.

I wasn’t used to talking about my life, let alone my nightmares. Hell, even us guys knew better than to discuss our nightmares. I assumed the others had them, at least most of them, but we never spoke about it to each other. “Here and there,” I replied, hoping to cut the conversation short.

Bailey’s eyes were wide and bright, so green they reminded me of an open meadow of tall grass. It was obvious she wasn’t willing to let the topic go, at least not yet.

“I wish you would’ve stayed with me. I could have held you,” she presented.

Held me? Was I a child?

I chuckled without meaning to, something that turned Bailey’s bright eyes dim. “I’m sorry. I’m just not used to sharing that part of my life with anyone,” I admitted.

“Is that why you stay out here all alone?” she questioned.

My heart raced at her question. Maybe. I wasn’t sure. I just knew I liked it away from everyone, away from the normality of a world I didn’t feel I belonged to. “I never really thought about it,” I mumbled as I handed her the coffee I’d poured for her. I returned to the pot, focusing on filling my cup to the rim.

“Being alone only makes your nightmares worse,” she sighed as if she were suddenly an expert on PTSD or on me.

“I doubt that. It’s quiet up here. That seems to help,” I smirked.

“What was the nightmare about? Something you’re reliving or something new?” she inquired.

I moved to the bed, sitting on the edge while sipping my coffee and pondering her question. It wasn’t something I wanted to share or have her analyze, but something in her eyes told me it couldn’t hurt to indulge her.

“We lost someone. I relive the night a lot. I was supposed to look after him, after all of them. I let them down,” I choked out, avoiding eye contact with Bailey as I spoke.

“There was plenty out there that was out of your control. It’s not your fault,” she offered sweetly.

How could she know that? She wasn’t there. I was. I was there, and I didn’t save Tommy.

I shrugged, offered a quick smile, and moved from the edge of the bed. “Liam, the one I contacted, he hasn’t responded yet,” I informed her, changing the topic whether she wanted to or not.

“How’s the weather?” she asked.

“It doesn’t look good. The snow’s piled up from five days, and from the way it looks out there, more snow is headed our way,” I explained.

My eyes watched hers, looking for the expected sign of disappointment. She smiled, her eyes remained soft and bright, and she didn’t appear to be upset.

“That’s okay. I’m enjoying my time here with you,” she flirted.

My dick shifted in my jeans at her words, and a smile crept up on my face without warning or control.

“I don’t know how long it will be,” I expressed.

“I don’t care,” she smiled, leaning back against her pillows with her hands behind her head.

Wow!

“Don’t you care that there are people probably out there frantically looking for you?” I questioned, still unable to smear the smile from my face, even with the seriousness of the question.

Bailey didn’t budge. She let out a long, soft sigh, and then let her eyes lock onto mine. “If they are searching for me, they’ll find me eventually. Until then, it’s just you and me, and I’m not ready for that to end,” she concluded.

I was stunned. I couldn’t imagine the appeal to her in this dingy cabin with no electricity and with the likes of me. Still, I couldn’t help grinning like a cat that just caught its first mouse.