She doesn’t answer the phone. But she sends it to voicemail after the first ring, so I know she saw me calling.

I sigh and put the phone down in the center console of my rental car.

I fucked up. Hard. And I know it.

I should have told her about my issues with sleeping.

After all, that was the first night I spent there, and I should have mentioned at least something. Like: “Oh, yeah, by the way, I might wake up in the middle of the night reaching for my gun, thinking people are trying to kill me.”

The dream that I had tonight is still fresh in my mind. I won’t be getting any sleep tonight. It was different from all the other dreams, and the difference was that it was Hana I was trying to protect. Normally, I’m trying to protect myself in those dreams. Or I’m trying to protect others.

I don’t try to put much stock in those dreams. After all, they’re just my mind working out kinks from my past. It’s the brain rewriting itself through stories. The mind spins narratives, in attempts to make sense of things that can’t be made sense of.

I guess that now that I’ve been seeing Hana again, I feel like I need to protect her.

But maybe the only way I can protect her is to stay away from her. Far away from her.

Maybe she’s right… I need to confront this issue.

It’s not just the nightmares. It’s not just the dreams.

I don’t even know how to explain it to myself. But it’s like I lost a part of myself out there… on the missions.

Part of me never returned. Or it did return… I don’t know. Maybe I brought something back with me that I wasn’t expecting. I did go through a lot of shit. A lot of shit that most people never see in their lifetimes.

My mind turns back to Chris for a moment. That day in the hospital when I visited him… His legs were gone…

It still haunts me.

God knows why that motivated me to sign up myself.

And I watched my dad waste his life away with those pain pills. Looking back on it now, I don’t really know how much physical pain he was in. How much of it was mental? How much did he go through when he was in the service, mentally and emotionally?

I’ll never really know. He never talked about it. But it must have been a lot.

At the end, from what I can tell, judging by his sporadic letters to me, he had completely given up the will to live. As far as he was concerned, his role in raising me was done. I became an adult in his eyes the minute I was done with high school. That was it for him. He had his money coming in every month. He didn’t need to work. He didn’t have anything to do. Just watch TV. That’s no way to live, and he knew it.

It’s not like he did it himself, really. He just gradually lost that drive, that will… and he’d just sit in front of the TV.

Seeing Chris and my Dad, knowing how the wars had affected them—why did I want to join up myself? Was it the only thing I knew to do?

I don’t regret it for a minute. Not even a single second.

I did what I had to do.

But there was a price to pay.

And I can’t let Hana pay that price with me.

I’d been thinking I could settle down with her. I could help her raise James, who seems like a great kid.

But maybe I can’t. Maybe it would be a disaster.

Like I said, it’s not just the nightmares. Maybe it’s that I’m just not cut out for civilian life. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

I’m parked on the side of the dark road. The moon is shining down, but somehow the street seems incredibly dark.

I’ve got the windows down and I can feel the air. It’s hot but it’s not the same lovely type of heat I’ve been feeling so far here. This is a thick, stale heat that seems to creep into my bones. It’s the heat of inertia, of nothingness.

I pick up my phone again and run my hands over the plastic. I flip the phone over in my hands, playing with it. But I don’t call her.

It’s too late, I tell myself.

She’s probably gone back to bed. I don’t want to wake her up.

But just as I’m thinking this, I get a call from her.

“Hello?” I say.

“Hi,” she says. Her voice is tired and… different.

“I’m sorry about that,” I say. “I should have told you about those… problems I’ve been having with sleeping. It probably scared you to wake up to that.”

She doesn’t say anything for a moment.

“It’s not that,” she says.

What does she mean by that?

“It wasn’t that bad,” she says. “But… I think maybe there are some things you need to address…”

“I’m fine,” I say, repeating the line that I’ve told myself a thousand times.

“Maybe,” she says. “I’m not trying to judge you… But maybe it would be a good idea if we took a little time… you know… a little break. Things have been moving so fast… And I’ve got James to think about, you know? And I know you’re going to be leaving soon…”

I don’t say anything for a moment.

I stare out the window of the car and feel like my world’s falling apart.

But I don’t say that.

Instead I say, “Yeah. Maybe that’s a good idea. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Wait,” she says. “It doesn’t…”

But I don’t wait for what she has to say.

I hang up the phone.

I instantly regret it. But it’s too late to call her back. It’s all too late.

I feel a sense of dread washing over me.

I shouldn’t have done that. I’m just being a dick for some reason.

Fuck it. It’s not too late to call her back. That’s just that idiotic voice inside of myself. What am I thinking?

I hit the button to call her back. But it goes to voicemail after one ring.

I try again, but the same thing happens.

Fine, I think to myself.

“Listen,” I say, speaking to the voicemail. “I shouldn’t have hung up on you like that… Maybe things are moving a little fast. But I feel things for you that… I haven’t felt for anyone else… I don’t want to lose that and I don’t want to lose you. Give me a call when you’re… you know, ready to talk about it all.”

I head back to my hotel room, driving down the hot, dark streets. The headlights illuminate the road in front of me with that eerie artificial glow.

There’s an older man working behind the desk at the hotel.

He nods at me as I walk in.

For some reason, I can tell that he was in the military at some point. Obviously he’s not wearing his uniform or any medals or anything, so I don’t know what branch of the armed forces he was in.

But there’s a certain way former military guys tend to walk and stand. Even the expression on their face is recognizable.

“Navy?” I say.

He shakes his head. “Marines.”

I nod. “You guys are tough as nails.”

“Navy Seals?” he says.

Maybe he’s seen my picture somewhere, or an advertisement for my book. Or maybe he’s seen me on TV. Maybe he can just tell by the way that I walk.

“Yeah,” I say. “Although I’m starting to wonder why I did it. It’s just causing me problems…”

“You know why you did it,” he says. He speaks slowly, his voice cracking a little as he speaks.

“I guess I do,” I say. “And I don’t regret a minute of it. I was trying to, you know, accomplish something. And that’s what I did. But…”

“You having trouble sleeping?” he says, giving me a piercing look.

“How did you know?”

“That’s what happened to me,” he says. “I saw things… you know how it is. You probably went through something similar. Although everyone’s experiences are similar. I wasn’t sleeping at all. It started affecting my life. I had a good job at a bank when I came back. I lost it, though, and now I’m working here.”

“Nothing wrong with a job at a hotel,” I say. “Good, honest, hard work.”

He chuckles. “No,” he says. “There’s nothing wrong with it. But I lost my chance at a good pension. And I lost my family.”

“What happened?”

“I was stressed. But I didn’t realize it. I was yelling at my wife. I was hopping off to the bars.”

I nod. Meanwhile, I’m thinking that if I was with Hana, I wouldn’t ever do that. It’s not like I’m going to blow up at her over nothing like this guy. I’ve got better control of my anger.

“I never expected it to happen to me,” he says. “But it did.”

“So now you work here,” I say. I can’t think of anything else to say.

“Yup. And I started going to a group of vets. You know, most of the time we just shoot the shit and whatever. But it helped me… get more stable, you know?”

“Sounds like it worked for you,” I say.

“Maybe you should give it a try.”

“Thanks,” I say. “But I’m not that bad off. That’s for people like you who really went through some shit. What I saw wasn’t that bad.”

Images flash through my mind of one of my buddies getting shot in his shoulder.

I shake the image off.

It’s not that bad.

The old vet gives me a piercing look and shrugs.

“Well,” he says. “Then you’re one of the lucky ones, I guess.”

I nod and head up to my room.

I lie down in bed. After all, I’ve barely slept tonight.

I don’t bother stripping down. I just lie in bed in my clothes. My mind’s racing. I can’t stop thinking about Hana.

My phone rings.

Shit, I bet it’s her.

I reach for it on the bed side table.

“Hana?” I say, not bothering to look to see who’s calling.

“Hana? Is that your new nickname for me? Or are you already having luck with the ladies.”

It’s Dan’s voice. What is my agent doing calling me so early in the morning?

“Hi Dan,” I say.

“Sorry to call you so late, or so early, however you want to put it. I figured you might be up already doing exercise or something.”

I grunt an acknowledgment.

“Listen,” he says. “There’s been a change of plans. Remember the Bob Show?”

“Of course,” I say. “Next week, right? I’ve got it on the calendar on my phone.”

“Well there’s been a scheduling change. Basically, I need you on a plane to LA today.”

“Today? What happened to next week?”

“They told me they had a cancelation. You know how those shows are. I needed to change it.”

“Why couldn’t you just tell them I couldn’t do it?”

“That’d mean that you’d never get on the show. This is a huge show. I know you’re apparently not a TV guy, which is weird, by the way, since you’re getting into the media business…”

“I’m a writer,” I say. “What would I watch TV for?”

“Doesn’t matter right now. The plane leaves in two hours, and I need you on it.”

I sigh and don’t say anything for a minute.

“Look,” says Dan. “You’re not doing anything this week. If you go on this show, you’ll have enough money to work on your next book for a year. If you don’t, I can’t guarantee you’ll have enough money to work on your next book for a month.”

“I thought sales were good?”

“You know it’s an agent’s job to only tell you good news?”

I sigh.

“So they’re not that good?”

“Basically, yeah. But an appearance on the Bob Show will change all that.”

“All right,” I say. “I’m getting off the phone now.”

“Are you going?”

“Yeah,” I say. “Send me the details.”

“Already sent. Check your email. Ticket’s there and everything.”

I hang up without saying anything.

Shit.

I don’t want to leave now. I need to see Hana before I leave, at the very least. I need to settle things down. I need to make things right.

I’m exhausted, but I’m good at dealing with no sleep situations. Anyway, I got a couple hours. That’s not too bad. I did a lot worse sometimes on missions, going for days without any sleep, not to mention no food or water.

I pack up my stuff quickly and head out of the hotel, leaving the key card on the front desk.

I just nod at the guy working the desk, but don’t speak to him. I don’t need to hear what he has to say, and I don’t have anything to say to him.

“Good luck,” he calls out after me.

I ignore him, hit the car, and drive over to Hana’s house.

The clock in the car reads 6:00 AM. She should still be home.

I call her on my phone, but there’s still no answer.

Shit.

But getting out of the car and walking towards her house, I see that the light is on in her room.

I don’t want to ring the doorbell or knock, since I know it would probably wake up James.

I scoop a pebble off the ground and toss it lightly at her window. It’s not hard enough to do any actual damage to the glass.

No response.

I toss another pebble at her window.

This time, I see the curtains being pulled back.

Her beautiful face is in the window.

But there’s nothing but anger in it. Anger and frustration.

Where’s that coming from?

What did I do? I woke up from a bad dream reaching for my gun. That’s not the end of the world, right?

I expect her to open the window to say something to me. Or for her to come downstairs, now that she knows I’m here.

But she doesn’t come. She pushes the curtains back and disappears from view. And she doesn’t appear downstairs at the door.

“I’m leaving for LA in an hour,” I write into my phone and send the text message.

Shit.

No response.

Shit.

I know things can work out between us. But she just need to open up and let me have a chance…

Is she this closed off because she’s a single mom, trying to protect her son? Or is she just scared of what could happen, scared of the relationship that could develop between us?

Sighing, I get back in the rental car and start driving to the airport. I’ll drop the rental car off at the office at the airport, board the plane, and be on my way to LA. After that, I have other stops on my book tour. It might be a while before I’m back here again.