Chapter Thirty-Three
Cade
Yes.
Three letters for such an impactful word.
I step back from Serena and stare at her as a confusion of thoughts pass through my head. Why didn’t I put this together sooner? I knew there have been very few men in her life; she has been open about that. I have felt this connection to Alan I couldn’t explain since the moment I met him and now, looking towards a picture that dots Ashley’s mantle, I see the similarities. He has Serena’s dark hair, but my eyes stare back at me.
“Alan is my son?” I repeat quietly.
“He is,” Serena says. She reaches for my hand, but I pull away from her. “Cade, I’ve started to tell you so many times, but I just didn’t know how.”
“You didn’t know how?” I yell, unable to keep the rage I feel in check. “How about at our second first date? How about before I met you at the mall to see Santa? How about after I bought a Christmas present so he could have known it was from his dad? You had every opportunity to tell me, but you didn’t. You lied to me, over and over.”
“I didn’t lie,” she starts, but I talk over her.
“You lied, Serena, by omitting the truth. An omission of facts is a lie, plain and simple. Were you ever going to tell me?”
“I was and then this happened, and I didn’t know what to do.”
“You open your mouth and say it. You could have just said it dozens of times.’
“I was afraid of what you would say, how you would react?”
“Was this what you imagined? Because I feel like this would have gone a whole hell of a lot better if you had told me and I hadn’t had to figure it out for myself because the paparazzi outed it.”
“Cade, you have to understand,” she pleads with me. “I was scared. At first, I needed to make sure you were the kind of person you claimed to be. Then, you made me so happy and things were so good. I know I should have told you before now, and I wanted to, please believe me when I say that. I just didn’t know what your motives were at first and by the time I knew they were good, I was in too deep and didn’t know how to tell you without you hating me.”
“So, you just didn’t tell me? You thought that was a good idea?”
“No, I just never felt like the time was right.”
“Is there ever a right time to tell someone that you had their baby three years ago? You should have told me when we got back together, Serena.”
“I know,” she says, hanging her head.
I try to calm myself by taking a few deep breaths. “Why didn’t you tell me when you found out you were pregnant? Why didn’t you try to find me?”
“I didn’t know right away,” she starts, “and when I did first suspect it, I didn’t know who you were. I still thought you were some bored businessman in the middle of a mid-life crisis. I didn’t think you’d care one bit about my being pregnant. And when I did learn who you were, and I saw your life splashed on every gossip site in town, I didn’t think I could compete or that you’d even be interested in being a parent.”
“Compete?”
“Cade, you are a superstar athlete and I’m a plain Jane scientist, not an A-list Hollywood starlet like Josephine or a supermodel like your in-between girls. I’m just me.”
My tone changed. “I like just you.”
“I never thought I’d see you again. And when I found out who you were, I didn’t want to find you and tell you and have you think that I was showing up simply to demand money. I wanted to remember our night for what it was, and I didn’t want to taint it by telling you and having it all blow up in my face. I thought we’d both move on, never to see each other again except in our dreams.”
“Serena, I could have helped you.”
“I know, but I had my career. I could take care of the two of us. It was my mess, not yours.”
“You should have let me had a say in whether I wanted to be a part of your mess or not.”
“Maybe you’re right, but do you really think if I had sought you out that you wouldn't have assumed I was trying to trap you, that I was just looking for a meal ticket? You’ve changed since I met you then, and so have I.”
“Then why not tell me when we reconnected and started seeing each other?”
“It was weird, Cade, and it just kept getting weirder because I didn’t tell you.” She takes a breath. “I hope you will believe me when I say that I wanted to, and that I know I should have told you sooner, but once I saw how good you were with Alan, I couldn't find the right words to say that I wish I hadn't run away from you back then, and that I wish we could have had all of the first three years together.”
“I trusted you, Serena, with everything. And you broke it.”
“Cade, I-”
“No, listen to me now. When I got to college to play football, and then when I got drafted and moved here, I made friends that ended up taking advantage of me. I never had true friends once people realized I had talent. And the more well known my name became, the more those leeches came out of the woodwork looking for anything to latch onto with me. And, women that I thought liked me for me took advantage of me, too. It was nothing like what I felt with Josephine or any of those other women. They were users who wanted a leg up in life, and I knew their game, so I guess I used them, too.
“But I haven’t wanted that in years. When I met you that night, I loved that you had no idea who I was. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like someone was getting to know me and not the Condors superstar. I felt like we connected in a way I hadn’t with anyone in years. It was real – very real. I thought you were the person I could trust my heart to, Serena. But you’ve just betrayed me like all the others.”
“Cade,” she whispers, approaching me slowly. I let her take my hand and she entwines her fingers with mine. “Betrayal was never part of this for me. Apparently, I don’t have any good reason to have not told you before now. I have reasons, but I know they aren’t good enough. I know I should have, and I wish I could go back and fix it, but I can’t, it’s too late now. I can only hope you’ll forgive me and we can move forward.”
I let her hand drop from mine and step back. “I don’t know if we have a forward, Serena.”
“Cade, please,” she pleads as she move towards me.
I shake my head. “I need time to think. Just give me some space. I’ll call you.”
I hurry from the room and towards the door Serena follows without a word, but I hear her sniffle and turn back to look at her. Tears stream down her face, but it has very little effect on me. My heart feels torn in two, and I force myself to look away from her.
“I’ll call you,” I repeat before opening the door and striding down the walkway.
Serena stands in the doorway and watches as I walk away. I try to keep from looking at her, but I glance back. She’s slid into a ball on the front steps, her knees pulled to her chest crying. I watch her cry until I can no longer see her, and that’s when I break as my own tears begin to fall.
There are so many thoughts warring in my head, and I don’t know what to do with any of them. I’m hurt that she kept this from me, especially after we connected again. She had so many chances to tell me, but chose to keep it hidden. Part of me wonders if she would have ever told me; though, I know she would have. I believe her when she says she wanted to but the longer she waited to tell me, the weirder it got. I can even understand her hesitation given our two different lives. I’m still mad, though, and I really can’t be around her until I can work that out.
I drive for over an hour and find myself pulling into Tyler’s driveway and grab my phone as I sit there to call him.
“What’s up, Cade?” he asks when he answers.
“Not much. You home?”
“Yep, just hanging out.”
“Do you have a few minutes to talk?”
“Yeah, man, of course.”
“I’m in your driveway; can I come in?”
“You're in my driveway?” he questions.
“I’ve just been driving around for the last hour and I need to talk to someone I trust.”
“Cade, is everything okay?”
“Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know,” I sigh. “I’m walking to your door now,” I tell him as I hang up.
Tyler meets me at the door with a beer in hand. “Dude, you look like shit. What happened? Were you crying?” He leads me downstairs to his basement, which Tamara had made over after he retired as his office/trophy room/man cave. We take seats opposite each other, and I take a long pull from my beer before Tyler clears his throat. “So... You wanna talk about it?”
“Alan is my son.”
Tyler nearly chokes on the beer he is trying to swallow, and he coughs and sputters. “I’m sorry, what? Because it sounded like you just said-”
“Yeah, that’s what I said.”
“Your girlfriend's son is yours?”
I nod and take another drink. “Apparently, our one-night stand, the one that she ran out on, yielded a son.”
“How did you find out?”
“I figured out for myself, to be honest.”
“She didn’t tell you?”
“No. She answered my questions, but she didn’t tell me.”
“Did she say why she didn’t tell you?”
“She said she didn’t know how to, and then we kept seeing each other, and it just got weirder and weirder to tell me.”
“Yeah, I could see that. Well, what about before this thing started between you? Why didn’t she ever try to tell you while she was pregnant, or even after Alan was born?”
“She thought we’d just move on with our lives, but I think she was too proud to tell me. She didn't want to tell me and be seen as a gold digger, and she didn't want my help when she’s a strong, independent person. And, we were two really different people then.”
“Aren't you still two different people?”
“I guess.”
“But you love her, and it works, yeah?”
I look at him, let his words sink in. “Yeah,” I admit.
“So, keep making it work then.”
“But she kept it from me, Ty. We’ve been seeing each other since December. Almost three months she hasn’t told me. I’m supposed to be okay with that?”
“No, but you can talk about it with her. You like Alan, right?”
“He’s a fantastic kid. I’ve been so drawn to him since the first time I met him. At least now I know why.”
“I bet she was just scared, Cade. Wouldn't you be if the roles were reversed? Here she is, raising a kid, and you just reappear in her life. It’s not something you just blurt out in casual conversation. ‘Oh hey, this is my son, Alan, and by the way, he’s your son, too.’ It couldn’t have been easy for her.
“And before you misunderstand, I’m not saying what she did was right because it wasn’t. A few weeks or a month I could understand, give her a little time to figure out what exactly was going on between you, but this long? No, it’s not cool; but I do get where she might be coming from. You’re Cade Thomas, man. Don’t you think that maybe that was a little overwhelming for her?”
“So how do I get over it, then?”
“You gotta figure that out for yourself. No one can tell you what to do next, it’s your call. I hope you make the right decision. Now, I’m betting you want to talk about anything else but this, so how about I tell you about this family vacation Tamara wants to take the kids on.”
I smile, grateful to have Tyler as a friend. “Yeah, tell me about it.”
I end up staying for dinner with Tyler and his family, and when I finally get home, I head straight to my bedroom. I take a long shower and try to force my thoughts to anything but Serena and Alan. I think I’ve succeeded until I get out of the shower and see a text message from Serena.
I’m sure I’m the last person you want to hear from or even talk to, but I couldn't go to bed without saying again how sorry I am for keeping the truth from you. I hope we can move on from this, but if you can’t, I understand. If you want to be a part of Alan’s life and not mine, I get it. If you never want anything to do with either of us again, I’ll accept it. I hope you choose us, though. You deserved better from me, Cade, and for that I will always be truly sorry.
I toss my phone aside with a heavy sigh and don’t reply to the message. I’m still angry at her for keeping the truth from me, and I’m not ready to talk to her just yet. I need time to think about everything. I’ll call her when I’ve had time to process that, for once, XYZ got it right: I have a secret love child.