I hesitated.

I counted seconds in my head using the old Mississippi trick.

One Mississippi…

Two Mississippi…

Three Mississippi…

Four Missi-

I jumped forward. My foot stepped on the letter she threw to the ground. It would forever leave my footprint on the piece of paper, just like her actions would forever leave a footprint on my heart.

I ran hard and fast, quickly coming to a skidding stop, my brain realizing that if I didn’t stop, I was going to go over the edge along with her.

I’m not sure if shock was the right word, but it was something like it.

I stared over the edge of the ridge, expecting to see her. Expecting to be able to grab her. To pull her to safety. To hug her. To let her cry. To make her see that it was all going to be okay.

But there was just darkness.

Complete and total darkness.

The silence was the worst fucking part about the entire thing.

She was down there. Somewhere between air, water, and the jagged rocks in the water. Or maybe she had hit the surface and the current just grabbed her and started to pull her.

I didn’t know what to do.

The scene kept replaying in my head.

The blood on her face. Apologizing to me. Throwing the letter at me. Opening her arms. Falling back.

That was only after seeing the bottle of whiskey. Realizing what was happening. That Night, the guy that was supposed to be a friend of mine, that he was the one sleeping with her. That he was the one hurting her. That she was so scared of him…she let him in, again and again, and let him hurt her, again and again. And that they both faced me with straight faces, lying to me.

I could have saved you, Ava. I could have fucking saved you.

I turned away from the ridge.

Part of my body wanted to get on my dirt bike and go after Night. Track that motherfucker down and drag him up to the ledge and throw him over. That’s what I wanted to do. Get my peace with him. The only way I could.

But I knew the way Night operated. He had places all throughout the woods. He knew places I didn’t. He was long gone now. Probably ditched his dirt bike and was back on the streets. Probably back in his chair, taking off, going to hide out somewhere.

I told myself he would have to eventually show himself. He would have to face this.

But he never would.

In his wild attempt at getting away, he’d end up killing himself.

Drunk, speeding, misjudging a curve, his car slamming into a tree, killing him instantly.

I turned again.

I grabbed the letter off the ground.

Her parents would never understand and never believe what had happened to their daughter. And it was their fucking fault. They put the blame on me for things I never did and never said, pushing her away and confusing her to the point where Night was able to sink his teeth into her. They were too busy looking at me and didn’t realize that their daughter was hurt and confused. They’d never accept the word suicide. So, it’d become my dark secret. For the rest of my life, I would have to carry it.

I hurried down the ridge and lost my footing a few steps in and dug my heels, sliding, ending up with two shoes full of dirt by the time I reached the bottom. I wrestled through the trees and didn’t stop until I was at the edge of the river. My heart pounding, my adrenaline like nothing I ever felt before, standing there, looking at darkness, hearing the sound of the river flowing.

She’s in there. Somewhere in there is my girl. The girl I love. She’s fucking there.

“Ava!” I screamed, my voice carrying and breaking up. “Ava! Ava!”

I wanted her back. I needed her back. The river swallowed her. The river got her pain. The river got her tears. The river got her truth.

All I got was a fucking letter. Some words written down.

The only real piece of her heart…

* * *

“She fell.”

Those were the two words I kept saying over and over.

I finally called for help and for whatever reason it felt like hours for them to arrive. And when they did arrive, it was crazy. Police, EMTs, even firefighters. Pulling up to the edge of the woods, on the trail, a group of personnel hurrying to figure out what had happened and how to find Ava.

They didn’t find Ava until the next morning.

In the meantime, I had to explain the story fifty times. I tried to do it with a little sense of respect and love for Ava. Explaining that we were on the ridge. That, yes, we were drinking a little. That she was really drunk. That she walked to the edge when I wasn’t looking. That I tried to get to her but she fell.

She fell.

“She fell,” I said.

The police just looked around.

I could see it in their eyes they wondered about foul play. They wondered if I had gotten mad at her and pushed her. Why wouldn’t they? It was their job to find the worst and hopefully prove it didn’t happen.

I refused to leave.

They came near me, and I swung.

One of the officers wanted to arrest me, another coaxed me off the ridge and had someone bring some coffee and food.

The news began to spread through town that someone had fallen off the ridge. Of course, it took all of ten seconds for rumors to start. Whoever the fuck started them deserved to be tossed off the ledge. Because the rumors were like the smallest of sparks in a very dry forest. They sparked, flamed, and then started to burn wild and fast.

I sat in the back of the police cruiser, legs out, and watched as the sun started to come up. I drank coffee, too much coffee, but I needed to be awake. They were going to find her. I was going to be able to save her then. I would tell her that I kept everything a secret.

That’s when I heard one of the EMTs say, “What a fucking night…first a drunk driver wraps his car around a tree…now this…”

They were talking about Night, but I didn’t know that yet.

I grabbed a chocolate glazed doughnut just for the sugar and crammed it into my mouth.

Things got quiet.

Really fucking quiet.

Everyone was trying to piece things together. My words weren’t worth shit to anyone. We all knew the risk of that ridge. And it was a shock that there weren’t more people that got hurt up there. But the circumstances…my history…I was being judged for just being me. I was already guilty in everyone’s eyes and would remain that way to Ava’s parents. They were the ones who pushed to have me investigated over and over, demanding that I get charged with murder. They didn’t want to accept that Ava was gone and that it was tragic. I’d regret her parents not knowing the truth, but I figured it would be easier to just let them grieve and move on, letting it be a tragic accident that they could recover from.

I still had the letter in my pocket. Folded and tucked away. I’d hold her real tragedy.

Then came a scream I’d never forget. The bellowing voice of a man. Everyone started to run in the direction of his voice.

I did too.

An officer grabbed me to hold me back.

I broke away.

I ran.

The officer came after me.

He kicked my leg and I went down to the ground. I hit hard, pain shooting from my wrists, my elbows, my knees. My chin hurt where it smacked the ground.

I rolled to my back and then scrambled to get to my feet.

“You can’t go there!” the officer yelled at me.

Then I heard someone scream, “We got her!”

I was back on my feet.

I saw the officer reach for something.

I spun and needed to get to her.

They found her. They got her.

She was going to be…

The officer grabbed me again.

I turned and swung, out of instinct. Out of love. Out of the need to get to Ava and let her know I hadn’t left her side. That I wasn’t going to be mad at her for what happened. That I wouldn’t leave her because of what happened with Night.

The way fate worked right then was nothing but a twisted mess.

Her fucking parents finally showed up, for whatever reason. Just as they found Ava. The officer I punched grabbed me and threw an elbow to my jaw. Then he cuffed me.

I kicked. I screamed. I fought.

Her parents saw me.

I was thrown into the back of a police cruiser and left to rot.

The last thing I saw was the team of emergency responders carrying her from the edge of the river where they found her. Just the outline of her…because she was gone. Far gone. Gone from the moment she jumped off that ledge. Gone from the moment she hit the water. Gone from the moment Night put his hands on her.

I cried in the back of a police cruiser.

Nobody came to my aid.

Everyone just pointed their fingers.

All I wanted to do was save her.

But I couldn’t even fucking save myself.