~Chapter 9
~Peach
That first month home I thought would be the hardest- getting off the drugs that those fuckers had me hooked on would be the worst part or so I thought. All the appointments that Irene set up for me- the word overwhelming could not even begin to describe my feelings. She came with me to each and every one of them supporting me the whole way through some dark, dark days. The psychologists and psychiatrists, physical and occupational therapists, along with nutritionist.
Shadow is nowhere to be found. I haven’t seen him since he dropped me off at Irene’s. That couldn’t have been more awkward if we would have tried. When I got off his bike, I didn’t pause or stop to get any bags- running directly into Momma Irene’s arms. When she turned to speak with the men, I quickly headed into the house trying to keep my thoughts off Shadow. I wonder if the things that I saw in his eyes those long days after he found me were my imagination. I thoughts that he looked at me differently than the seven, but in the end he was not much unlike the others.
Shadow was the eighth man to take a piece of me and he would surely be the last if I had anything to say about it. The other seven took something from me that I was not willing to give- but when I offered it to him, he took it, only making me feel much the same as the other seven. Leaving a hole that was so much bigger, no deeper, than the others. The way he refused me and then took what I was offering to him. Making me feel like shit while he was still buried inside of me. That cut deep.
I see Preach frequently though and often wonder about it. I am pretty sure there is something going on between him and Irene. Whenever they are speaking and I hear mention of Shadow, I stop whatever it is that I am doing to listen in. I know that he has been on the road and gone most of the time that he is not at work since our return. I have heard stories about some of the parties and goings on happening at the clubhouse as well as a few of the businesses that the Devil’s own and can’t help but wonder if he has someone in his life. I am not sure why those thoughts are there or why his absence hurts. I wonder if his presence would hurt as well.
Irene must have had enough with the eavesdropping and weirdness, cornering me about it a few moments ago. Walking in while I was sitting on the couch catching up on the local news. As with days long ago, she waits for me to turn the TV off and give her my full attention before beginning.
“Sweetie, you gotta talk to me about what happened to you. You can’t keep sitting around just letting the days pass without me seeing that spark in you anymore. I know that it might not be today or tomorrow, but I need to know what happened to you, what took that spark of life outta you.”
“Momma Irene you come with me to all those fucking appointments, I am not sure what you don’t know about the last years of my life and what those seven men have taken from me. How they took that spark as you put it, outta me” quickly my eyes drop before my head sags before adding, “to never return.”
Looking towards her I am taken aback by the look of disgust that takes over her face. “Not those men, sweetie, and watch your words with me.” Shaking her head her eyes meet mine only after I feel her hand gently life my chin. The eyes I see before me have a determination that I haven’t seen in Momma Irene before.
“And they have not taken everything from you, sweetie. You’re a stronger woman than your momma or I could have ever hoped or asked for.”
With those words, my mind wanders again to the two women that were long ago taken from me. I have wondered for so long what my sister, Alison would be like, and how my life would have changed if they wouldn’t have died. If I hadn’t been left with my step-father- fuck that- he was no father to me- just Harold.
After pausing only briefly at the look on my face, she doesn’t waver before the smile that takes over her face has me wondering about what will be coming outta her mouth next. “Don’t let those thoughts of your Momma and Alison get you down. They are looking down from above at you and I am sure that they could not be prouder about the woman you are becoming. The thing that I need for you to talk to me about is the way you listen and stop whatever it is you are doing at the mention of Shadow. What happened on that trip north between the two of you?”
My eyes move away from her quickly, as my head drops I find myself unable to answer. I don’t have time to put together the thoughts running rampant before Irene is speaking again. “I am not sure what happened between the two of you during that trip but, I know it must have been something. The look on his face when he dropped you off Sweetie, was so pained. I was just not sure what it had to do with at the time, and he hasn’t been around much to have me ask it of him. Seeing how you are at the mention of him I can only guess that look that he had, however, had to do with you.”
Turning, I make my way quickly from the room and move into the kitchen grabbing up a coffee mug from the cabinet before moving towards the coffee pot. Before I can finish pouring the only vice that is left for me to enjoy on my own terms, I hear the door behind me and know that Momma Irene is not letting me off that easily. “I have heard little from him which is not usual and I feel like he is staying away because of something that happened on the trip. Is that what’s going on here, Sweetie? Did something happen between the two of you?”
“Momma Irene, I don’t know what to say,” the pain I start to feel at this questioning has me looking around the kitchen. Trying to find a spot to focus on like one of the doctors taught me, I get lost in my thoughts. I see similarities between this house and a house I was in before, the house of number six.
Number six was not a horrible guy, but I didn’t want to be there. His house was a small two bedroom that I was in for at the most six months. He had locks on the doors and security systems that I didn’t understand and couldn’t find my way out of. At least, he didn’t keep me shackled like number five had. I thanked God the day number five tired of me and let number six pick me up. I wasn’t sad to see number five go that’s for fucking sure, but number six wasn’t better, just a different kind of prison.
Number six worked a long weekend shift and would leave me everything he thought I could need when he would leave for work. I frequently wondered what he did for work, because he would always leave me alone on those days. The other days- the weekdays that he didn’t work were a different story though.
The first time that he fucked me, I thought that maybe he was crazy because the whole time he repeatedly told me how much he loved me and couldn’t wait for us to spend the rest of our lives together, calling me by another woman’s name. After he finished I tried talking to him about it and he ignored me, completely leaving the house and me to my thoughts.
Shaking my head from the thoughts of number six, my eyes focus in on a small picture hanging on the back wall of the kitchen at Irene’s. The picture is Momma Irene and her late husband, as I focus more on the picture I can see the love that they had shared, that I have now seen when she looks towards Preach.
I slowly start to come back and the panic melts away from the memories before I hear Momma Irene’s voice again.
“Rebecca, you did beautifully there. I am sorry that you felt like you were being overwhelmed by my questioning, but I am so proud that you were able to find your focus and get it back together.” Moving slowly towards me, she pulls me into a tight hug before going on. “I will give you a day or two to get your thoughts together on the subject, but I will be asking again, sweetie, and next time I will not let you off the hook so easily.”
With that she moves from the room and as I hear the door shut, I am left with this coffee mug between my hands and my thoughts of the man that has consumed me since the day I met him. Thinking how much he truly lives up to the name that he goes by.
Shadow