She had to tell him, Becca thought as she pulled into the underground parking garage of Brian’s apartment building. It was something she’d come to terms with as she’d driven the two hours from her hometown to Kansas City. She was about ninety-five percent sure Brian had a ring, and she just could not go into an engagement with that kiss on her conscience.

Even though that damn kiss seemed unable to budge from her mind. It was all she thought about, and the guilt was eating her up inside. She kept telling herself that maybe it was for the best. Moving forward in this relationship would now be easier because she was rid of the what-ifs regarding Jase. She’d fantasized about him kissing her for nearly eighteen years. Now she could put that fantasy to bed.

“No, no, no,” she muttered to herself, finding a parking spot. “No one is going to bed. Not with Jase.” She sighed, putting her car in park.

She hadn’t told Brian she was coming back today; it would be a surprise. Reaching over, she grabbed the take-out bag she’d picked up from their favorite sushi restaurant, and then made her way to the elevator.

The minute the doors closed behind her, a horrible thought entered her mind. What if he wasn’t happy to see her? What if . . . someone was here with him? Why had he said he couldn’t come to her dad’s house this week? Had that just been an excuse?

No, no. That was her guilty mind projecting. Brian was steadfast. Loyal. A good guy. But maybe she should have told him she was coming. She sighed and told her stupid brain to stop it. She was the guilty party here. Not her boyfriend.

The elevator doors opened on the eighth floor, and the minute she stepped out, her heart began to pound. Why hadn’t she checked for his car in the parking garage? It was possible he wasn’t even home. They hadn’t spoken since yesterday. But it was Sunday evening. If he wasn’t home, something was up.

She knocked on the door with the back of her hand, unable to pull out her key with her hands full of sushi, her purse, and the overnight bag she’d packed up.

When he opened the door and smiled, she let out a sigh of relief. “Surprise!”

“Hey, what are you doing here?” He stepped back to let her in, reaching out to grab her bag.

“Oh . . . just, you know. Missing you.” Becca headed into his neat-as-a-pin kitchen and set the take-out bag on the counter. “I brought food. Hope you haven’t eaten.”

“A peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I could do some sushi.” He began rifling through the bag as she set her purse down. Becca took the opportunity to look him over. Brian was good looking, even in the ratty gym shorts he had on. He was successful and easy to like. His mother was a tad overbearing, he was annoyingly particular about the starching of his shirts, and he wasn’t great at foreplay. But those were minor complaints. No one was perfect. Already just being here in his place, surrounded by his Briany scent, made everything feel right again in her world. Being back home in Pierson had been confusing and nostalgic. This was where she belonged, and he was what she wanted. Maybe the kiss had been nothing and bringing it up only risked ruining a good thing.

Yes, yes. That all made sense.

She blew out a breath and grabbed a couple of plates out of the cabinet. Before long they were sitting on the sofa, with their dishes scattered across the coffee table.

“Can we turn the news off?” Becca asked, noticing they weren’t really talking, which was kind of unusual. “It’s so freaking depressing, and I’m planning to drive back home tomorrow so we should make the most of it.”

“Sure,” Brian said, pointing the remote and silencing the noise. “So, uh, how’s your dad?”

“He’s good. Dating someone.”

Brian gave her an eyebrow raise, so she went on to explain what she knew.

“Well, good for him,” Brian said, shoving a piece of sushi in his mouth.

“Yeah. I guess so.”

They continued to eat, not saying much, when Brian finally wiped his face and hands, and then turned toward her. He cleared his throat. “Becca, I’m actually kind of glad you came back tonight.”

Becca gave a halfhearted smile and took a drink of her water. Kind of glad? How was a woman supposed to take that? “Good. Me too. I liked being able to go home early, but since you couldn’t make it, I was really missing you.”

His smile was not as warm as she would have hoped. “I was missing you, too.”

“You sure?” she asked with an awkward chuckle.

“Of course,” he said, his brow furrowing. “But Beck . . . there’s something I need to tell you.”

Becca’s stomach plummeted. “What is it?”

He was quiet for a second too long. “I love you, Becca. You know that.”

“I think I do,” she said quietly, unable to take her eyes off his nose. Why was she looking at his nose? She forced her gaze to his eyes, which looked pained.

“I hate having to say this, it’s why I delayed coming to be with you, because . . . well, I just felt so guilty. But you know the woman who started in the marketing department last year? You met her at the picnic this summer.”

Becca felt dizzy. “Erin.”

“Yes. Well.”

“Just spit it out, Brian.” The floor felt shaky under Becca’s feet, and her eyes couldn’t focus on any one thing.

“She and I kind of . . . fooled around last week.”

The burning sensation in Becca’s chest sizzled up into her throat. “Fooled around? Like teenagers fool around? What do you mean? Did you have sex with her?”

He blew out a breath. “No. It didn’t get that far. It was mainly kissing, Becca. A little touching. It was nothing serious and I totally regret it, believe me. I don’t even know why it happened.”

Was he serious? They touched a little? “Maybe because you wanted it to happen?”

“Well . . . obviously in that moment I did, but not really. I love you, Becca.”

Her head jerked back in shock, but she needed to keep her cool. Right now she felt so shocked and hurt, but she really needed to keep what she’d done in mind. She was no innocent. But damn, why did his feel more premediated? He worked with this woman every day. How long had they been flirting? How often did he look at her lustfully? That hurt almost as much as the act itself. Then again . . . how many times had she closed her eyes during sex and imagined Jase? Was that not a betrayal?

“Say something, Beck,” he pleaded. “The guilt is killing me. I never wanted to hurt you.”

It was time for her to come clean as well. “I understand that. But . . . you need to know something also. The initial reason I came here was because I felt guilty for something I’d done.”

His eyes widened. “Something in Pierson?” Then his gaze went dark. “Don’t even tell me, Becca.”

She stared back at him, knowing that she was going to hurt him with what she had to say. Early in their relationship, during that new time in the beginning when you share all the stories of your past, she’d told him about their neighbor Jase who was like part of their family and her childhood crush. Also told him about how he and her sister had become close, hurting her feelings and making her jealous. A lot of the stories of her past included Jase in one way or another, because he was always around. But it wasn’t long before she realized her emotions must be more obvious than she’d thought, because over the past two years Brian had mentioned it more than once. Especially when things got rocky between them. He liked to mention Jase’s name during little spats between them, implying that maybe she wasn’t over the guy she’d crushed on through high school.

He was always right, but she’d never admitted that. Now she had to admit this. But he fired off a question before she could speak.

“Did you sleep with him?” he asked.

Her eyes enlarged. “No!”

“But something happened. Didn’t it?” he demanded.

“Yes, he kissed me. But you seem to be unfairly angry after just telling me what you did. Don’t you think?”

“Did you kiss him back?”

“Brian, did you hear what I just said?”

“Did you kiss. Him. Back?”

“Yes.”

His response was to . . . laugh. A cold, hard laugh, Then he pushed off the sofa, stood, and placed his hands on his hips, staring across the room at nothing. “I should have fucking known this would happen eventually.”

“Can you stop being like this long enough for us to circle back to what you’ve done? Don’t you dare use this as a way to deflect.”

He turned and stared down at her. “I have every right to be pissed off. Just like you do, But you know as well as I do that what you did is worse.”

“In what way?” she asked, incredulous. “Because I was busy thinking about how what you did was worse.”

“How do you come to that conclusion? You’ve always had the hots for this guy. You’ve admitted it yourself.”

“I never admitted to still having the hots for him. I hadn’t even seen him in years until this week.”

He glared at her. “I’m not an idiot, Beck. He’s close to your family. I know you’re friends on Facebook with him.”

“So what! You’re friends with women from your past. I’m friends on Facebook with several other men. That doesn’t mean I have a thing for them.”

“How do I know?” he sneered.

She put her hands up, feeling the desire to scream with frustration. “I guess you have to trust me.”

“Uh-huh, see how well that’s working out for me?” he asked sarcastically.

“Helloooo?” she practically growled, pointing at him. “Making out with your co-worker is a serious offense. Or have we forgotten that part of this conversation again? How convenient for you that I got kissed right before you came clean.”

This time he pointed at her. “Don’t tell me you didn’t want it. That you didn’t encourage it.”

“How dare you say that to me. I did no such thing.” Did she? She hadn’t felt like she did, but there was no denying her attraction to Jase. It was so ingrained into her existence, it was like part of her anatomy. Her guilt resurfaced, but her anger was far from diminished. “Yes, I kissed someone that I’ve known a long time. Before I knew you. But you—” She stood and shoved a fingernail into his chest. “You just met this girl six months ago. And it was someone you worked with. How fucking cliché can you get?”

He grabbed her hand and held it firmly against him, in anger. She couldn’t help comparing it with the man who’d done the same thing the previous night, but in a completely different way.

“Are you really going to judge me on my choice of cheating style? Don’t be a hypocrite,” he snarled at her. “And don’t even get me started on how many times we’ve had sex and you’ve had your eyes squeezed shut. Were you thinking of him then? Do you think I don’t notice, Becca?”

Oh God. She jerked her hand out of his grasp, suddenly furious that he was trying to turn all of this back on her, when he’d admitted to cheating also. “Well then maybe you should have been better on the job. I had to make myself come somehow, didn’t I?”

His mouth dropped open, his eyes clouding with pain. She’d gone way too far.

“I’m sorry, Brian. I didn’t mean that.”

“The hell you didn’t.” He turned and left the room. The sound of his bedroom door slamming startled her.

She stood there for a moment, completely in shock. When he didn’t come back after a few moments, she proceeded to take their dishes into the kitchen and clean up. The entire time she worried over if she should stay or go, while also hating herself for what she’d done and the things she’d just said. Letting Jase kiss her had been stupid. She’d known the minute he’d grabbed her hands and shoved them inside his coat that something was about to go down. But oh God, how she’d wanted it. Brian was right. It had been a fantasy come true in so many ways.

At the same time, she was livid and hurt herself. Had it been Brian’s fantasy to fool around with Erin? Becca could still remember the night they went to dinner and he’d casually mentioned a new woman on the marketing team at his job. Had he instantly been attracted to her? Or had the attraction built up over time as he’d gotten to know her? Becca really wasn’t sure which was worse. A physical reaction or the thought they’d grown intimate in non-physical ways first.

A tear slid down her cheek, and she sucked in a hard breath. Within moments the tears were coming hard. She sat down on the kitchen floor and leaned her head back on the cabinet.

She and Brian didn’t make fireworks together, but they made sense. There was mutual respect for each other’s careers, a shared love of cinematic documentaries, and both had agreed early on that jealousy was an irrational, self-serving emotion.

Look how that had worked out for them?

But that didn’t mean this was unsalvageable. Did it? Every couple had bumps along the way. Maybe they’d needed this shake-up. Things had been stagnant. Easy, yet uninspiring. Maybe a healthy dose of jealousy would spice things up. She could also be losing her mind.

It was hard to say how much time had passed while she sat on the hardwood floor, when Brian walked into the kitchen. She looked up at him.

“Can I sit?” he asked.

“Of course.” She wiped at her eyes with the edge of her hand.

He settled next to her, but not close enough to touch she noticed immediately. “I’m sorry, Beck. I shouldn’t have done it.”

“I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have done what I did, or said what I said.”

He stared at her, his eyes assessing. And in that moment, as she stared into his face . . . she knew a sad truth. “This is never going to work. Is it?”

The expression on his face didn’t change; he just continued to stare. He swallowed. “Do you want it to?”

She inhaled deep and then blew out slowly. “I thought I did. But after tonight . . . I don’t know what to think anymore.”

He nodded. “It won’t work if even one of us doesn’t want it. Or if we’re not both willing to try.”

“If we have to want to try at this point, is it worth it?”

“I can’t answer that question for you, Becca.”

“Is it worth it to you?”

“I love you. I know that.”

“And I love you. Yet we both just kissed other people, Brian.” She sighed. Then thought of the other thing she’d been looking forward to. Might as well figure out where they were before they made any decisions. She met his eyes. “Did you buy me a ring for Christmas?”

He looked shocked at her question and turned his face away.

“Did you?” Right now, she wasn’t sure if the panic she felt was fear or the hope for relief.

Finally, he met her eyes once more. “No.”

She sucked in a breath. She’d been so damn sure of it. Clearly, she was clueless about who and what they were to each other.

“I thought about it. I keep thinking about it. But no, I have not bought you a ring.”

Becca smiled, her lips pressed tight, then shrugged. “Well, there you go. I think that tells us both a lot.”

“We’ve had some issues lately, Becca. Don’t deny that.”

“Doesn’t every relationship?”

“Sure, but I know you’ve felt the space between us. And I’ve always had this feeling inside that you had some kind of hang-up with this Jase guy. I tried to tell myself it was nothing. A crush from your past and I was imagining that it was anything more. But obviously, my gut instinct was right. He’s always been a problem between us.”

“No, I’ve been between us. It was my issue. It’s not his fault.”

“Well, it sounds like maybe it’s starting to be. And does it really matter whose fault it is? You’re hung up on him, and now he kissed you.”

“Only because Hannah had just gotten engaged.”

Brian’s eyes narrowed in confusion, then he let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head. “Wow. What a fucker.” He got up off the floor.

“It wasn’t like that, Brian,” she cried, scrambling to her feet.

“Don’t you dare.” His words were cold and clipped as he glared at her. “Don’t defend him to me.”

“And don’t you forget that you cheated, too. Damn it.”

“I also came clean first, and apologized first. But please, judge me some more.”

“I’m going to leave,” Becca said.

“Sounds like a good idea.”

Even though she expected it, and couldn’t blame him, his words hurt. They were hurting each other and it was time to stanch the bleeding. Becca gathered up her things and headed for the door. When she turned back, he stood watching her, hands on his hips, mouth severe.

“Are you going to start a relationship with her?” she asked.

His expression implied he was surprised by her question, but he quickly pulled it together. “I think it’s best if I’m just alone for a while.”

Becca turned and opened the door, then left without another word.