“Ian?” Sara turned off the stove, walked into the living room, then dining room, looking for him. At the bottom of the stairs, she paused and heard Ian’s voice upstairs.
She went up and heard him talking with Saxton. She stood where she could see just inside the room and listened. Ian stood by Saxton’s bed, the drawing Ian had been working on lay at Saxton’s side.
“Does it hurt?” Ian asked, awe present in his voice.
“A bit. Want to see it?”
“Yeah!”
Saxton moved the covers back and lifted his shirt to reveal the bandage. Then he peeled back the edge to show Ian his bloody wound.
“Whoa,” Ian said. “That looks bad.”
“They stitched me all up and gave me pills for the pain. It’s not too bad.”
“You ride motorcycles?”
“I do. I have a few bikes in my garage.”
“Can I ride on one?”
“Well,” Saxton said, half chuckling, “you’d have to check with your mom. Kinda dangerous for a little boy.”
“I’m not that little.”
Saxton laughed again and ruffled Ian’s hair. “Well, even still, your mom might not want you riding around on a motorcycle with someone like me.”
“Like you? Like a… man?” Ian whispered the last word.
Sara pulled her eyebrows together. Ian had asked about his dad, of course. Other kids at school talked about their fathers, and he saw them at school events. He’d wondered where his was, why he didn’t have one, and had once even asked Sara if she could get him a new one since the one he had wasn’t good. At the time, she’d laughed it off. She barely had time to work enough to pay the bills, let alone go searching for love or have any sort of romantic life. She’d told him that it would be just the two of them, and they didn’t need anyone else.
Had Ian taken it wrong? There was a kid in his class who had lesbian mothers. Maybe he thought something similar would happen for him. Maybe having only women in his life had led him to believe that men were somehow not okay, or that Sara didn’t want a man around. That certainly wasn’t the case. They didn’t spend much time with Carter, but Sara had always hoped he could step in as a male role model for Ian. Though Carter certainly wasn’t a very good role model. Had Ian gotten the impression that all men were dangerous or bad? She’d have to have a long talk with him and make sure he understood that there were plenty of good men out there and that maybe, one day, Sara would be married again. Even if she had no hopes that it would happen anytime soon.
Saxton’s answer was, “I’m not the type of man your mom would want you to hang around. Not a good influence.”
“That’s what she says about my Uncle Carter.”
“Oh yeah?” Saxton asked.
“He gets into trouble with the law.”
Sara put her hand over her mouth to stifle her laugh. He said it so seriously and with so much gravity. It was exactly what she had said to him about Carter more than once when she’d had to go visit him in jail. Ian mimicked her perfectly, even if he didn’t really know what that meant. Better that he not know why Carter got into trouble.
Saxton whispered to him, “Sometimes I do, too.”
Ian leaned in closer. “Are you bad?”
“Some people think so.”
“I don’t think so.”
Sara’s heart softened. She didn’t think Saxton was bad, either, even if he didn’t always do the most legal things. Yet, somehow, it felt like he was making this judgment upon himself because of her, because he thought she thought he wasn’t good. And already Ian could see the goodness in Saxton. The things she saw in him. She hoped that meant something to Saxton. That even a child would see something good in him.
Saxton didn’t say anything to Ian’s proclamation, but Ian moved on. “Do you like boats?”
“Sure. I haven’t spent much time on them, but I have nothing against them. You?”
“I love boats. I asked for Santa to bring me a boat for Christmas.”
“Oh yeah? Like a model boat?”
Ian shook his head fervently. “A real boat. I want a twenty-foot gaff cutter with bright blue sales and clouds painted all over them.”
Saxton whistled. “That’s a nice boat for sure. Where would you go sailing?”
“Well, I’d start in Lake Michigan since it’s so close. Then, for longer trips, I’d go over to Lake Huron, then pretty much just river hop until I get to the Atlantic. Then, maybe to Ireland or Spain. I haven’t really decided yet.”
Sara covered her mouth again. Ian had studied maps since he was old enough to know what they were. And he’d planned many long boating trips. When he talked about it, he always sounded so grown up, so sure of himself. And this was no exception. Ian talked like he was ready to hop on his boat at any time. It did make her sad at times, to know that the reality of Ian ever owning a boat or being able to sail on a trip like that was very low. She never could never afford to buy him a boat or take him on that sort of trip. Maybe he’d end up choosing a career that would get him on the water. That might be his only chance.
“That sounds like a heck of a trip. When will you go?”
“Mmm, I don’t know. Maybe next month. I guess after I get my boat.”
Saxton tried to hide his smile. “Won’t you need to learn how to sail first?”
“Oh, I already know that. I watch a lot of videos online.”
“Oh. Gotcha. Well, I guess you’re all set then.”
“Pretty much,” Ian said. “Do you want to come with me on my trip?”
“I guess it depends. I’d have to be all healed up by then. And your mom would have to approve.”
“I think she will. Do you like her?”
“Of course. She’d been a big help to me.”
“Do you love her?”
Saxton took a moment to respond. “Well, love is one of those things that takes time. I like her, though.”
“Do you think you will love her?”
“I don’t know. Do you think she likes me?”
“Yes. She doesn’t usually have men around. And she told me that someday she might find me a new daddy. Maybe you could be it.”
Sara took a step, ready to go into the room to stop this particular line of conversation. But she hesitated. She wanted to hear what Saxton’s response would be.
“I… think you need to talk to your mom about that.” Saxton’s face was straight and serious. He didn’t seem to happy to be talking about these things.
“This is a big house. It’s much bigger than our apartment. My mommy and I could live here with you and you’d still have lots of room.”
Before Saxton could make any sort of response to that, Sara walked in. “Hey guys.” Enough was enough. It wasn’t fair to Saxton to make him handle those sorts of questions from a six-year-old.
“Mommy!” Ian ran over and hugged her middle.
“Are you in here keeping Saxton from getting rest?”
“He was telling me all about his sailing plans,” Saxton said.
“Oh really?” Sara asked.
Ian nodded. “I think Saxton should come with us. Do you think Santa will be able to fit my boat in our apartment? Maybe we could tell him to leave it here instead.”
“Well, we’ve talked about this, remember?” Sara’s heart tightened every time Ian talked like Santa was really going to bring a boat. She’d planned to get him a nice toy one, but that wouldn’t stop from being fully disappointed on Christmas morning. “I don’t think Santa can bring you a whole boat. It’d be bigger than his elves.”
“Maybe he has some taller elves. Or maybe he can get some help from someone else.”
“Well, I think if he brought you a big fancy boat, that would mean other kids couldn’t get any presents. Boats are very expensive.” She gave Saxton a look, pleading with her eyes for him to jump in with any thoughts.
“I have that all planned out. I told Santa in my letter than after this, he doesn’t ever have to give me any more presents. This can be it.” Ian spoke the words in a proud, sure tone.
“I tried that once,” Saxton said. “I really wanted a dirt bike when I was eight. I made all sorts of deals with Santa. I even got my friends to give up their presents in exchange for being able to ride it. But you know what ended up happening?”
Ian shook his head.
“Santa didn’t bring me a dirt bike. I got a note that said a dirt bike would be available when I was older, but since I didn’t have a place to ride it, and I wasn’t old enough to ride, he had to wait.”
Ian’s face fell. “Do you think Santa will do that to me? Give me a note instead?”
“I’d say it’s possible,” Saxton said. “You don’t have a place to keep it, and you’re not old to sail by yourself. He’ll probably have to hang onto it for a while for you.”
Ian hung his head. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“But,” Sara said enthusiastically, “that doesn’t mean you won’t have a sailboat someday. For now, it can be a toy and you can look forward to having a real boat when you’re older.”
“I want one now though,” Ian said.
Sara wrapped him in a hug. “I know you do. But if Santa brought one now, we’d have to keep it outside on the street, and it would get hit by cars and maybe even stolen. It’s the best thing for the boat if Santa keeps it for a little while. You wouldn’t want to have your boat now and then have something happen to it, would you?”
“No.”
“Santa knows,” Saxton said. “And when I got my dirt bike when I was older, I didn’t have to share it with anyone.”
Ian nodded. “Do you think Santa would get me an Xbox instead?”
Sara took in a breath. “Maybe. We’ll just have to see.”
She often hated Christmas and Ian’s birthday because of things like this. He didn’t understand that she couldn’t afford to buy him fancy gifts. And she always felt so guilty that she couldn’t, that he had to suffer for her lack. Hopefully he wouldn’t be too disappointed on Christmas morning when all he got was a toy sailboat.
“I’m sure whatever Santa brings, it’ll be good,” Saxton said.
“Right,” Sara said. “But for right now, Ian, I need you to help me get things all set for dinner. It’s probably cold by now.”
Ian followed Sara back downstairs. While he set out the plates and silverware for the two of them, Sara prepared a plate to take up to Saxton.
“I really like Saxton,” Ian said. “I don’t think he’s bad at all, do you?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Do you like him?”
“I do. He’s a good friend.”
Ian carefully placed the fork and napkin beside his plate. “Can we live here with him in his big house? It has much more room.”
“No, honey. This is Saxton’s house, and we have our apartment.”
“I know, but our place is small, and there’s two of us, and his house is so big and there’s just one of him.”
“Well, sometimes that’s just the way it is, okay? A man and a woman only live together if they’re dating or married.”
Ian scrunched his face in thought. “So, like, he would be my daddy?”
“If we were married, he would be your step-dad, yes. But we’re not getting married.”
“You should! Then he could be my daddy, and we could all live here.”
“Ian.” Sara put a hand on both of his shoulders. “It doesn’t work that way. You don’t just get married. Two people have to get to know each other, then they fall in love, and after a while, they might decide to get married. But that’s not going to happen with Saxton and I.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s just not going to, okay? Sit down and eat. I’m going to take this up to Saxton.”
Ian slid into his chair and picked up his fork, then dug it into the spaghetti and put far too much in his mouth. Sara carried a plate and glass of water upstairs. She couldn’t knock since she had no free hand, so she leaned in to make sure he was awake.
“Knock, knock,” she said.
He pushed himself up straighter as she came in the room. “Cute kid.”
“I hope he didn’t bother you too much.”
“No, no. I just haven’t been around kids much. I forget that they ask everything.”
“Yeah.” She chuckled. “And they don’t understand how life works all the time.”
Sara set the plate on his bedside table and the glass beside it.
“He asked if you could move in here and if I could be his new daddy.”
Sara felt her cheeks warm. “Sorry about that.”
“It’s kind of cute. Nice to know that kids don’t think I’m horrible, even if most adults do.”
“Who thinks that? You’re not a bad person, Saxton.”
“I just do bad things.”
She shrugged. “Maybe. But that you have control over. From what I’ve seen, you do plenty of decent things, too.”
“Think it balances out in the end?”
“Maybe. I know it’s meant a lot to me, what you’ve done for me.”
“More of this payback stuff.” He shook his head and stuck a forkful of pasta into his mouth.
Sara watched as he chewed and swallowed.
“I had this in my house?” he asked.
“I combined a few things.”
“Damn. I had no idea. You’re a good cook.”
“Thanks. I guess working in restaurants for so many years has paid off.”
Saxton took another bite and nodded. “You won’t hear any complaints from me.”
“Can I get you anything else? Are you in any pain?”
“Plenty, but there’s not much that can be done. I took the pills they gave me. Still hurts.”
“Okay. Well, just rest and yell if you need anything.”
“Thank you.”
Sara smiled and left the room.