Sara sat hard on the bed, panting. The tears ran down her face and she bent over, elbows on her knees, trying to get a hold of herself.
There was no way she could do this. This just wasn’t her, to sleep with someone for money. Oh, but Ian. Now what would she do? She had nothing. No way to pay for any of his school. Her mind spun. She had to do this. She couldn’t do this.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” she muttered to herself. It was one night. One night. And she was getting eight grand. But she couldn’t have sex with this man. Even if it meant keeping her son in a good school. Was she really that selfish that she couldn’t sacrifice her body for a few hours for his sake? So stupid. She was making a huge mistake and it weighed on her.
No, she had to do this. Simple as that. She stood to go back out there, and her head spun. She felt so dizzy, she had to sit back down. The tears came harder.
Then there was a knock on the door. He had come to check on her. No. He had come to drag her back to bed. Oh God, why hadn’t she thought of that. She couldn’t say no. He’d paid for her. Even if she gave up the eight thousand, he’d paid the club two thousand for her. He deserved to get his money’s worth. And he had every right to come in there and take from her what he’d paid her for. It was a business transaction, wasn’t it? He’d purchased a service and he would get what he paid for.
He didn’t seem like the type to do that, but she didn’t know him at all. She started to shake and silently padded to the door to make sure again that it was locked. Could she climb out a window if he tried to come in? Was there anything she could use as a weapon? She looked around, but not much light came in through window. She didn’t dare turn on the light. It seemed much easier to hide and stay away from him in the dark.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
That made her cry more. He sounded concerned. Was he?
“I’m sorry,” she said. It came out sounding watery and pitiful. She was just pitiful tonight in every way. This whole thing had been a disaster.
Why had she done this at all? Why had she gone to the auction, knowing it would lead to this? For Ian. It was like she almost forgot all about her son, sleeping peacefully at the neighbor’s house while Mommy went out to sell herself for his sake. She shook her head. This was ridiculous.
It wasn’t that bad. She wasn’t standing on a street corner. She hadn’t gotten herself a pimp. She was just at some guy’s house. A pretty hot guy. A seemingly decent guy. What if she’d just been out for a night with friends? What if he had come up to her and hit on her and asked her back to his place? He had done that, actually. This whole time they pretended like he wasn’t paying her. And she had greatly appreciated that. It made her feel much less cheap and made the whole thing feel almost legal, almost normal. Just two adults hooking up for the night.
If she had ended up with Darien or the crotch grabber, it would make more sense that she was freaking out. But she hadn’t. She’d begged silently for Saxton to win and he had. He’d paid a ton of money for her. He’d saved her. And she couldn’t even repay him for it? Yes, she could. She could do this. She would do this.
She stood up, but then recalled the feeling of his hands on her. It hadn’t felt bad, it’d just felt wrong. Her knees got wobbly and she sat back down. Maybe if she took some time to chill out and calm down. Maybe then she could do this. It was just sex. No big deal. She’d done it plenty of times and this time didn’t have to be different at all.
She stared at the wall for a long time. Would Saxton try to come in? Would he demand that she unlock the door and come out? Enough time passed that she thought he wasn’t going to. Had he gone to sleep?
His voice came through the door, soft and gentle. “Sara, can I get you something or do something for you?”
“No,” she said quietly after a long pause.
He had offered her coke earlier. Maybe she should take him up on it. That might calm her enough that she could have sex with him and not freak out over it. But she’d never done coke. What if she passed out or something? Did she trust Saxton enough to pass out in front of him and know he wasn’t going to use that to his advantage? No, not at all.
“I…” he said. “Look, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. I want you. Badly. You’re so hot, I’d like nothing more than to… make love to you. But I’m not going to force you. I don’t want to sleep with someone who doesn’t want to sleep with me.”
Silent tears streamed down her face. She didn’t deserve for him to treat her so well. She’d gotten herself into this mess. She’d gone into the auction knowing exactly what it was. And now she was backing out. He had every right to demand she come out and have sex with him. But he wasn’t doing that.
Her opinion of bikers started to shift. He was a good guy. Even if he did illegal things for money, he wouldn’t force her and violate her like that, and that meant a lot to her. It made her feel safe, and that was something she wasn’t used to feeling.
She carried a knife on her all the time. Well, most of the time. Her brother had insisted. He loved knives. He’d given her one and told her to keep it on her. He’d showed her where to stab someone and how to hide it in her clothes. She hadn’t brought it tonight since she knew what she came for, but she wasn’t missing it with Saxton. Her knife was something of a security blanket for her. She needed to know it was close for her peace of mind. But Saxton was a far better protector.
She realized that she hadn’t responded to him. She didn’t know what else to say, so she said, “Thank you. I’m sorry.”
Het let out an audible sigh. “I’m sure this can’t be easy. Even the girls who screw on the streets, you can always tell they hate doing it. Why do men keep paying? Who knows. I’m just as guilty.”
“I don’t think I could ever do that,” she whispered.
“Obviously.”
Her tears started to slow, but she still didn’t know what to do. Try to go back out there and have sex with him, even if she was freaking out over it?
“I tried to make it not feel like that,” he said.
“You did. Thank you for that. But I still know…”
“I know.” There was a soft thump, like he put his head against the wall. “I don’t know why I even stayed when I knew what it was.”
“I’m glad you did,” she said. She still shuttered just thinking of who she might have ended up with if it hadn’t been for him. “I’m so grateful and that’s why—” Her sob returned, making it harder to talk. “I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this.”
He was quiet for a while. Then, “Is school worth it? Can’t you get financial aid or something to pay for it? Got to be some way other than putting yourself through this.”
Sara thought he needed to know the truth. She didn’t want to keep lying. Not when she already felt so bad for putting him through this. “Well…” She wiped the tears from her eyes. “I didn’t tell you the whole truth earlier.”
“Okay…”
“I need the money for school. That part was true. But not my school. I have a son. He’s six and I didn’t want him to have to go to the public school. It’s so dangerous and there are to many kids and the teachers are overworked and—well, it took a lot to get him into his school. They don’t let just anyone in and I had to convince them that I could afford it and that he would work hard and be a good student.”
“Good move. Public schools suck. Trust me. First time I ever got stabbed was at school.”
Her eyes widened. Having her worst fears confirmed made her body go cold. “But the problem is, it’s just me. The school is expensive. We have a tiny place, but it still costs a lot. I work two jobs as it is, and it’s all I can do to pay the bills and feed him. I was managing okay, but then my car broke down and I had to get it fixed. I got a little behind, then I got a lot behind and…”
“You had to do something extreme to pay for it all.”
“Yeah. There was no way I’d be able to work enough to pay what I owe. Tonight would have paid the balance that’s past due, plus cover the rest of the school year. It’s a huge blessing, actually, and I feel like the biggest idiot.”
The tears started all over again. She was being stupid. She could sleep with him. She had to. Ian couldn’t be made to suffer because she had some hang up, thinking she was better than this. She wasn’t. She was a single mom who had to do whatever it took to pay the bills and give her son a good life. And this was what it took. Simple as that.
“Don’t feel like that,” he said. “I know what it’s like. My mom was a single mom. There was me and my brother. We went to public school and we ended up as complete hoodlums. He was killed when I was sixteen and he was nineteen. He’d dropped out of school and was selling drugs to help my mom pay the bills. I was running around stealing clothes and breaking into cars, in and out of juvie. It sent her to an early grave, too. Somehow, I escaped all that. I guess. I mean, what I do now, it’s not much better, really. So maybe I didn’t.”
She thought about that for a moment. Was that the kind of life she would force Ian into if she couldn’t keep him in his school? Would he end up running with those bad kids, doing things like that, too, because she couldn’t buy him nice things and give him a good education?
“It’s a good thing, what you’re doing,” he said. “I mean, not this the whole thing right now, but how you put him in that school. That’s a good thing. Those kids always turn out much better. Wish I’d had that opportunity. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it someday.”
“I hope so. It’s just hard. I don’t want him to be lacking. Sometimes I think I should take him out of there. I could afford to buy him nicer things if I didn’t have that payment. He gets picked on sometimes for having old shoes and hand me downs. His pants are too short because he keeps outgrowing them.” Her voice broke when she said it, thinking of her sweet little boy and how mean those kids were to him just for being poor.
“No, he’s far better off where he is. Kids get picked on no matter what. The rich kids probably take shit for not having enough cars or buying the wrong Rolex, who knows. Not being good looking enough or something they can’t buy. He’ll get picked on anywhere. But at least those kids won’t stab him and steal his shoes. They won’t recruit him into selling drugs. He probably won’t even get into fist fights. I came home almost every day with a bloody nose or black eye. The teachers didn’t even try to break up the fights half the time. They just sent us out in the hall to take care of things.”
“That’s awful.”
“So keep him in that school. Trust me. Do whatever you have to do.”
Did he include himself in that? Did he mean she better come out there and have sex with him or she was a terrible mother?
“Look,” he said. “I want to screw. But I’m not going to do it with someone who’s afraid of me or doesn’t want to. I’m beat, though. I’m going to jack off and go to sleep. Unless you’ve changed your mind.”
Her hand flitted toward the door. She should. She should climb back into his bed with him and let him do her. She closed her eyes and tried to picture it. Tried to picture letting him take her clothes off, letting him push her legs open, letting him enter her. Fresh tears came to her eyes. She blinked and they spilled down her cheeks.
“Okay,” he said.
She heard him moving around. Standing up maybe? Then light footsteps and a door closing. He’d gone back to his room. He was going to leave her alone and not make her have sex with him. He was a good guy then. He understood what she was going through.
She laid down on the bed. How in the world would she pay for school now? Her stomach balled up in a knot. Maybe Carter. If he was really running those horrible auctions, then he could afford to help cover the cost of his nephew’s schooling. Not like he’d been any sort of decent uncle to Ian. He could do his part. And if he wouldn’t, well then, maybe she’d play hard ball. Maybe she would just threaten to call the police and tell them about his little auction escapades. Maybe that would freak him out enough to give her the money.
Her eyes burned from crying and fatigue and she closed them, letting her mind settle on some small amount of relief in knowing that she at least had a plan. Maybe not a great one, but it was something.