The scent of fried food permeated the room. While I’d usually chew off a hand or foot, if necessary, to have a French fry or onion ring, my battered nerves were beginning to wreak havoc on my stomach, and the smell was having the opposite effect. Wrinkling my nose, I licked my lips, wetting them with a sweep of my tongue. My mouth was like cotton; my lips, parched.
“She’s been nauseated,” Gram warned. “You should eat that somewhere else. I didn’t say toss it in the trash can! I told you to eat it somewhere else!”
“Sorry,” Jake grumbled. “You don’t need to yell.”
“I didn’t yell, but I’m going to yell if you don’t empty that trash can! It’s stinking up the whole room and it’s going to make her sick again!”
Sick? I hadn’t been sick in months. I hadn’t believed the doctors when they said the morning sickness would wane after the first trimester, but it had. Except for the swelling, I’d never felt better.
“Fine! I’ll take the trash out!”
“Come here,” said Gram, resignedly. I pried my eyes open enough to see Jake’s shoulders slump. He crossed the room and stopped in front of Gram, who had her hands resting on her hips. She lifted her hand and cupped Jake’s chin, staring into his eyes. “Go home and get some sleep. You look exhausted.”
“What about you?”
“I’m a senior citizen, Jake. We’re like cats, and nap throughout the day. But I think I’ll stretch my legs and go downstairs for a cup of tea.”
“What about Mattie?”
“Carter’s waiting outside to see her.”
Jake frowned, as did I.
What the actual fuck? “Carter?” I croaked, my voice thick with sleep. “What’s he doing here?”
“He’s family now,” Gram told Jake, while ignoring me completely. “He has as much of a right to be here as we do.”
“Does not,” I disagreed. “Not if I don’t want to see him.”
“Fine, but if he upsets her, I’m going to finish what I started before Marshall stepped in.” Coming to the edge of the divan—where I must’ve fallen asleep last night—Jake leaned over and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Give him hell, Matt.”
“I don’t want to see him,” I complained. “Tell him to go home.” Lifting my arm, I reached for the collar of his shirt, but came up short, my wrist jerking to an abrupt halt. Looking down, I found it wrapped in a thick strap of Velcro, which was anchored somewhere beneath the divan. “What the hell is this, Jake?”
Eyes filled with remorse, Jake brushed a loose piece of hair from my face. “You’re a fighter. Remember that.”
“Jake?” A mixture of fear and annoyance laced my tone.
“Send Carter in on your way out,” Gram instructed.
Jake scowled and shook his head in disgust, but as he walked out of the room, I knew he’d do it. The hell if I was going to be cooperative. There had to be a way to rid myself of my restraints. Again, I jerked my arm, testing the strength of the straps.
“Now, you listen to me, Matilda Whalen,” Gram chastened. With Jake gone, she focused her attention on me. “This might be a little drastic, I agree. But if this is the Lord’s way to get you to listen, so be it. That boy cares about you, and I know you’re listening, so you’re going to hear him out. And maybe when you’re ready to come to your senses again, you’ll actually use them. God knows, He gave you a brain for a reason. Don’t squander it.”
Pfft. Turning my head away, I closed my eyes. Might help if I believed. If you asked me, He was a fable, used to teach a moral lesson.
I wasn’t sure how Carter accomplished it, but he’d talked my Gram and my brother into subduing me while I slept. That in itself was a major feat.
I knew when he walked in the room, because I could smell his cologne. It was faint, but evoked memories and desires that threatened my strength of will.
“Gram,” he graveled, his voice thick with shame.
“How’re you hanging in there?” Gram inquired. “You look the worse for wear.” Unable to help myself, I stole a peek. Gram was right, his face was riddled with bruises.
“Nothing I didn’t deserve.”
“Nonsense. What Mattie wants, Mattie gets.” Gram’s voice smirked with irony. “You didn’t stand a chance.”
“Wish Jake saw it that way.”
“He’ll come around. Paisley’s already put him in his place.”
“Didn’t think I had anyone in my corner.”
“I don’t know that she is, but if there’s one thing she’s not, it’s a hypocrite. If Jake wants to set parameters, he has to follow them.”
“God,” I exclaimed. “Finally someone with an ounce of sense.”
Carter looked up, stared at me as if he could see straight into my soul. The blood rushed to the surface of my cheeks. I turned away, denying him the satisfaction of knowing he caused it.
“Either way, it might be too late,” Carter observed. Pushing a hand through his hair, he shifted his weight. His prosthetic creaked slightly under his weight. “She was pretty mad.”
I wasn’t mad. I was hurt. The only reason he was here now was because of the baby.
“Do you love her, Carter?”
“Of course I do. It’s Mattie we’re talking about.”
Asshole. Asshole. Asshole. “I’m sitting right here! Stop talking about me as if I’m not in the room!”
“I’m not talking about Jake’s little sister, nincompoop,” Gram chided. “I’m talking about the woman lying there clever enough to seduce you, despite being Jake’s little sister.” A short pause ensued. “No, don’t tell me. Tell her.” Reaching down, Gram retrieved her purse from the floor and threaded the straps over her shoulder. “I’m going to get myself a cup of tea. It’ll give you time to talk.”
“What makes you think she’s going to listen to one word I say?”
“She’s hung on your every word for more than half her life, boy. She might not show it, but she’s paying attention.”
“Traitor,” I grumbled as Gram walked out. She completely sold out her granddaughter to the man that left her barefoot and pregnant.
Ambling to the foot of the divan, Carter stared down at me, his brows knit in the center. “So what do ya say, Angel? Let’s you and I have a little chat.”
“Fuck off.” Twisting my wrist, I tried to slip my hand through the restraint. It caught at the base of my thumb, refusing to slide over my joint.
Reaching over, Carter pulled an old French provincial chair to the edge of the divan. Dropping onto the edge of the seat, he grasped my wrist. I jerked my arm back, only to be thwarted by the restraints. Grasping my hand again, he pushed the cuff farther up my arm.
“You’re going to hurt yourself. Your wrist is getting chafed.”
“I’d chew them off if it'd get me out of this bed.”
“I know you don’t understand,” he continued. “But they’re for your own good.”
Any other time, I would’ve vied for his attention, but under the circumstances, he was lucky my hands were tied. “Carter, you’d better hope I never, ever get free, cause I’m going to knock that inflated head off your shoulders.”
“Just hear me out, please.” Dropping his head, his curls brushed against my arm. “Jesus, you’ve got me speechless. I don’t know where to start. There’s a first, huh? Carter Strickland at a loss for words.”
“I’m sure your foot will find its way to your mouth.” It always did.
“I panicked, Angel. Shane or Tate would’ve reacted the same way. You’re Jake’s little sister.”
“Screw Jake.”
“We vowed. We vowed,” he stressed. “He said he didn’t care if we drank the last of the bottle or stole his shorts because they were the last clean pair on the bus, but if we laid one finger on you, he was done with the band.”
I bit my tongue. It didn't matter. Jake had been right. Carter tucked his tail and ran just like he said he would. I reminded myself again that he was only here because I was pregnant. Gritting my teeth, I turned my head away. The sight of him made my heart ache.
“I guess it's too late to think about that now.” Squeezing my hand, he circled his thumb over the back. I had to tamp down the butterflies that rustled in my stomach. More accurately, I stomped on their mother fucking wings until they were nothing but iridescent dust. Carter Strickland was nothing to me anymore. He was my biggest mistake. He was my penance. I would be forever tied to a man who didn’t love me. Not the kind of love I desired.
“Go away, Carter. Please.”
“I care about you, Angel. I want to be here for you and the baby. You don’t have to do this alone.”
And there it was. The dreaded proposition. He was falling on his sword. Sacrificing his bachelorhood for a life of resentment and infidelity. Once, I had thought that anything was possible, but he had proved me wrong. A set of underage blondes were his instrument of choice.
I’d learned my lesson well.
The world was not a magical place filled with true love and happy endings. But I wouldn’t say it was harsh or unforgiving. No, I didn’t truly believe in fate. The cosmos wasn’t working against me with inexplicable forces. It was an excuse for one’s shortcomings. Me, I had only my own naïve aspirations to blame. I had been looking at the world through rose colored glasses. I was going to singlehandedly tame the untamable Carter Strickland.
“I know you don’t think I can change,” Carter continued. “But I can. I have. Ever since that day…Jesus…we didn’t use protection. I knew it. I just fucking knew it! When Jake said you were sick…” Shaking off his frustration, Carter shoved a hand through his hair, pushing the curls from his face. “Why didn’t you answer the damn phone? I called! This is my kid too! I had a right to know!”
Pride had gotten the best of me, just as anger was now. Changed, my ass. He’d wasted no time moving on. Christ, he brooded over Coop longer than he did for me. So shoot me because I’d moved on too. Why should I have played the jilted lover desperate enough to trap him into marriage? Why should I be the one to argue over child support? No, I didn’t want his money or his contrived loyalty. I’d rather raise the baby on my own than play the fool left behind while he went on tour and fucked half the country’s female population.
“You lied to me, Angel.” Not technically. My roommate lied. While I leaned against the wall listening as she answered the phone, she’d told him a half truth. I was fine; I just didn’t want to talk to him. I hadn’t wanted to talk to him. I was trying to avoid all of this.
“I’ve missed so much. Doctor appointments. Heartbeats. Ultrasounds. Developmental milestones. I should’ve been there. I would have been there. How could you keep that from me?”
Letting go of my hand, he rested his hand over the peak of my stomach. I felt oddly offended by his touch, or rather his unwarranted sense of entitlement. I wasn’t his. My arm shot up and jerked on the restraints. With a grimace, Carter removed his hand and sat back in his chair.
“If you loved me half as much as you claimed, you’d know I’d make a great father. All I’m asking for is the chance.”
It was never my intent to keep the baby from him. The whole point of my silence was to keep my brother from discovering the truth, and in turn, save the band from dissolving. Well, that and saving myself a world of heartache. You don’t secretly love someone for the better part of your life and go unaffected by their presence just because they rejected you. The heart didn’t stop longing because your brain knew what would never be. The signals were lost somewhere in between. Desire and reality had become a synonymous ache in my chest.
Kicking his feet up on the end of the divan, Carter locked his hands behind his head, stretching himself out. “Go ahead and chew on that for a while, Angel. I’m not leaving this chair until you wake the fuck up and smell the coffee. Like Gram said, I’m family now.”
I wanted to cry. Lord, I wanted to cry. My anger was getting the best of me. But I refused to let him see me shed tears. It would only fuel his drive, and let him know he’d gotten under my skin. Carter thrived on reactions. They only encouraged him. Remaining impassive was prudent if I was to make it out of this with any pride intact.
“You truly are more of an idiot than I ever realized.” Frowning, Jake stalked back into the room.
Dropping his feet to the floor, Carter sat up in his chair. Preparing for another brawl if I had to guess. “I thought you left.”
“Gram might trust you, but I don’t.”
“I’m not here to hurt her, man.”
“Not intentionally.” Tugging the heel of my sock, Jake straightened out the seam along my toes. I hated when they were crooked. It was worse than having a wedgie. “Unfortunately, you have a knack for saying the wrong thing every time you open your mouth.”
“Is there really a right thing to say in this case?”
“Yeah!” Jake snapped. “Yeah, there fucking is! She didn’t lie to hurt you, fucking moron. She lied to protect you!”
“I CALLED!”
For the record, he called a month later, after hearing Jake say that I was sick. He called because I was pregnant. He was covering his own ass. He’d just admitted as much.
“You fucked my little sister, asshole! You got her pregnant! And that’s all you have to say is that you ‘called’?”
“That’s exactly it, Jake! Your little sister. Nothing I could’ve said or done would’ve been enough for your approval!”
“How about ‘I love her? She’s worth losing everything, including the band?’ Maybe that’s all I wanted! Someone who’d treat her like she deserved, not some schmuck that’d run out on her at the first sign of trouble!”
“What do you think I’m doing here?”
“Fucking her life up more than you already have! She doesn’t need a fucking dead beat who’s only around to save face!”
“Fuck you! You don’t know shit!”
“I know enough, man. If you loved her half as much as she deserves, she wouldn’t be lying in that hospital bed, and the better man wouldn’t be dead.”
The world stopped. My head continued to spin. Hospital bed? “Jake?” I choked. “What’re you talking about?” Jake’s voice echoed in my ears. She wouldn’t be lying in that hospital bed, and the better man wouldn’t be dead. I jerked on the restraints again. Everything fell into place, and completely out of touch. My head swam. My body felt heavy.
My vision wavered. Instead of fading to black, I was blinded with a flash of bright light. So bright, I had to close my eyes over the intensity. Beeps and alarms began sounding in my ears. I felt heavy and light at the same time, like I was being pulled in two directions.
“Mattie!” Jake shouted, the same time Carter called, “Nurse! We need a nurse!”
“Jake?” I said again. My voice sounded sluggish to my own ears. “I can’t see anything! Where are you?” Everything was white. Blinding. “I can’t see!”
“Hold on, Mattie!” Jake shouted. “Don’t you do this to me! You hold the fuck on!” Grasping my hand, he held onto it like a lifeline.
His words echoed in my ears. The better man. Haris. It had to be. But how? What happened? The last thing I remember was reaching for my seatbelt. So how did we end up in the hospital? Correction, I was in the hospital. The better man, Haris, was dead.
I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Haris was dead. My problems seemed inconsequential suddenly. Death had the power to put things into perspective.
My parents were the last people I’d lost. I’d forgotten how badly it hurt. I mean, I still felt the pain of loss this very day. But the degree had lessened, despite the constant awareness of their absence. Experiencing it again, I was reminded of how suffocating it felt. It was encompassing. Overwhelming. Like, somehow, I wouldn’t survive it.
Like, somehow, I was responsible.
“Sir…Sir…you have to move.”
Hands were at my arms, my neck. Touching my face. My eyes. Although, I felt no pain. I was being dragged down, growing weaker, while having the feeling of being lifted up.
Reality came in flashes. I grasped onto words here and there.
“Oxygen.”
“Scalpel.”
“Blood pressure.”
“The baby.”
The last, I grasped onto like a lifeline. The baby.
I wondered if he’d have Carter’s dark hair and curls.
His chance of survival was good at thirty-two weeks.
I might not survive, but maybe the baby would.
Carter would be a father after all.