I was moping, alone on the floor of my small room later that evening, when a harsh knock on the door pulled me out of my dim thoughts. Becca was off somewhere, probably harassing Kemper. I shuffled to the door and was surprised to find Cyler on the other side.

“Hey, you have a minute?” he asked in a gruff voice. I didn’t reply, but moved aside to let in. His bulky frame took up the entire room, and when he sat down on my cot with a wince, I couldn’t help but smile.

“God damn, this is what you all sleep on? I’m ordering new beds right now.” Cyler whipped out his Tablet and began furiously tapping away. Once done, he shifted uncomfortably while looking around the room, as if avoiding the conversation.

I observed him for a moment. Even though something was obviously bothering him, there was a lightheartedness about him that I hadn’t seen before. It was probably that little Walker of his.

“Maverick’s mad at me,” he finally said.

“Are you sure it isn’t just his face? He’s got that depressed grizzly look going on,” I said with a snide smile. Cyler laughed and I flinched. It was so rare that we spoke, I didn’t know how to react. Once the laughter faded, he scooted forward and rested his forearms on his knees. I prepared for the bad news.

“Our family is pretty fucked up, huh? I mean, last night, what Tallis said…” Cy rubbed the nape of his neck while drifting off. “Look, I—I'm sorry that I tend to see the worst in you. I think in a lot of ways I’m jealous.”

I openly gaped at Cyler now. Jealous? How on earth could he be jealous? It was always me pining after their group. I was the one left out. I was the one pushed aside and forgotten.

“You had it so easy,” he began, and I dropped my mouth open in shock. “I was thrown into the responsibility of taking care of an entire Providence, and you got to go off and do your own thing.”

I pondered his words for a moment but still felt unsettled by this revelation. “I liked school,” I shrugged. “I just didn’t like feeling forgotten. I didn’t just lose Mom and Dad, I lost you, too,” All the years of neglect and abandonment came crashing down on us as we looked at one another. Cyler was forced into a leadership role for a dying Providence, and I was left to navigate my grief alone.

“I-I didn’t realize you felt that way,” Cyler said with an exhale. I saw the hint of guilt in the way he slumped his shoulders. “I thought I was keeping you safe. I’ve been so busy running Dormas…”

“...that you forgot about me?” I finished for him.

“I took the easy way out by sending you off to school. Jules, I care for you, regardless of what you might think.”

“I didn’t realize you needed an ‘out’ with me. I thought we were a family. I thought we could do this together.” I picked at the paint on my nails and tried to not fidget. “I want to sit here and hug and makeup, but I don’t think that's ever going to happen with us. I don’t think we’re ever going to be a normal family,” I said in a somber tone, standing up. “But maybe we can try to be cordial? Maybe one day, when you aren’t worried about saving the world, and I’m not off being a selfish brat, we can meet in the middle and have a contest of who can go the longest without insulting the other.”

“I can do that if you can stop harassing Ash. She’s important to me. Important to us.”

I sat there for a moment, soaking in his words and assigning a feeling to them. I still didn’t like her. She was so annoyingly perfect and captivated the attention of everyone within a ten-mile radius. It was sickening. But there was something more important to me than jealousy:

Redemption.

“I can do that.”

Cyler threw me a grateful smile while standing, too. He made his way towards the door, and I was relieved by his departure.

“Uh, do you think you could check on Maverick?” Cyler asked while looking at the floor. I was flooded with memories of our childhood. It was a vicious cycle. Cyler would piss Maverick off, then ask me to talk to him. Then I’d say something cruel, and he’d go back to talking to Cyler. I was the greater of two evils in the scenario.

“You want me to piss him off so he’ll like you again?” I asked with a frown while sighing. And here I was thinking we were making progress.

“What? No! Is that what you thought I did all those times as a kid?” Cyler asked, defeat marring his face and guilt creeping in on the edges of his eyes. I doubted his sincerity.

“What else could you have been doing? It's a familiar cycle, Cy. If it's between you and me? I’m the greater of two evils.”

“You’re a pain in the ass, absolutely, but I ask you to talk to Maverick because you’re the only one that gets him to stop moping. You challenge him. You piss him off, yeah, but you also bring him back.”

Cyler looked sincere, but I still couldn’t believe him. Surely, I didn’t have that much power over Maverick. Maverick and I would have to actually talk more for that to happen.

Cyler seemed unwilling to stay any longer, we were breaching the line of civility, and he needed to retreat—fast. His shuffling feet seemed eager to flee this space and all the unsaid problems between us.

“I’ll talk to him,” I said softly, and Cyler let out a relieved sigh as he left the room.

* * *

It was a short walk to the Clinic, but I took my time getting there. I knew our meeting would end in the inevitable argument. He’d complain about my priorities. I’d complain about his absentmindedness. We’d both end up leaving feeling distant and hurt, but he’d forgive Cyler, at least. I decided to take a different approach this time. One that didn’t require screaming right off the bat.

I opened the door and, unsurprisingly, found Maverick hunched over his desk while wearing a deep-set frown. I coughed, which made his eyes drift to mine.

“What are you doing out past curfew?” Maverick asked. He didn’t seem angry, though. Only amused. “You know Kemper will throw a fit.”

“I’m here on a special mission, actually,” I said while pulling a basket out from behind my back. It absolutely killed me to do so, but I grabbed one of Ashleigh’s chocolate cakes from the Walker Dorms to bring to Maverick. I just prayed word didn’t get back to her. I didn’t want Miss Perfect to know there was something about her I liked.

“Is it poisoned?” Maverick asked jokingly.

“No, but I did dip the forks in toilet water. Come on, let's eat,” I offered while unloading two cake slices on the counter. I handed one to Maverick and he dived in.

“I really don’t want to talk about it,” Maverick growled while shoveling cake into his mouth and reviewing something on his Tablet.

“I haven’t even asked you yet!” I exclaimed with a smile. This was off to a great start. I made a bet with myself that I’d be kicked out of his clinic within ten minutes. “Well, what do you want to talk about?” I asked. Maverick wasn’t much of a talker. He was a worker. A thinker. A moper. “How about we talk about your need for a haircut?” I joked.

“How about we talk about you and Tallis?” Maverick countered with a smirk while chomping down on his cake. Touché, brother.

“Since when do you care about my love life?” I asked in frantic anger. I cursed my brash tongue. Maverick rewarded me with a wide smile full of chocolate cake. I just accidentally confirmed everything, and he loved having the upper hand. I could practically feel his calculating gaze seeking out opportunities to tease me. Maverick grinned as I gave him a mean look that said, ‘drop the conversation’, but he didn’t seem phased.

“I won’t pry,” he said while holding his hands up in surrender. “I’m just surprised, that’s all. I mean, you’ve always had certain standards.”

“You’re just afraid I’ll ask about Ashleigh,” I joked. Maverick was being surprisingly civil, and I liked it. I wondered if this time would be different, if we had broken the cycle.

“Excuse me, did you actually say her name without sprouting horns?” Maverick countered with a smile, and I almost felt guilty that my anger towards her was so obvious.

“I can be civilized, you know. You and Cy paid the good bucks for my tutorage.”

“Being civilized and being kind are two different things, Sis,” Maverick replied. Ah, there it was. The inevitable catch, the sly insult about my character. Too bad he was right.

“So, what were you and Cyler fighting about?” I asked, changing the subject. I was curious, and it was very rare that they trusted me with information regarding Dormas politics.

“We both want different things for Dormas,” Maverick said while shifting his Tablet and clicking a button. I sensed that he wanted to end the conversation, but I wasn’t willing to give up just yet.

“You and Cy have a bad habit of trying to control everything around you.”

“Cy’s methods of control are more deadly than mine.”

I looked at Maverick and scoffed. His red-rimmed eyes and pale skin indicated that he was so focused on finding a cure that he was neglecting himself again.

“Your addiction to control is just as dangerous. The only difference is, instead of hurting everyone else, you just hurt yourself.”

Maverick dropped his work and stood. Here it came, the blow up. The fall out. Maverick was mad and soon enough he’d go running back to Cyler to complain about me.

“I hurt others, too, Jules,” he said in an agonizing tone as his eyes drifted to the floor of the Clinic. I scrunched my brow down. Well this was different.

“I care because I knew. I knew Dad was sick and I didn’t stop him, Jules. I let him waltz into town. I let Mom run to him.”

I felt too hollow to experience the pain his words should have inflicted. I simply looked at my tortured brother. The grief and guilt completely broke him. I knew he was hurting, we all were, but I had no idea that he was carrying around this much pain.

Tears filled my eyes as I realized that his guilt would always stop us from being a family. No amount of redemption or forgiveness was enough to cover this amount of distance and blame. The world was against us. Our past was against us.

“I don’t know what to say, Maverick. I feel like no matter what, you’re still going to suffer. If you’re looking for peace, you won’t find it with me. I’m too fucked up for that. Please talk to Cyler.”

I left Maverick in the Clinic. There was no fight. No confrontation or solution. We didn’t cry and hug it out. I saw him suffering, and I left because I didn’t know how to handle it. Maverick needed someone to dig into his soul and bring the light out, and I knew that person wasn’t me.

As I walked down the street, still processing my feelings about Maverick and Cyler, I saw a familiar figure standing on the corner by the general store. Tallis.

“Did you have a good night, Agapimenos?” he asked with uncertainty, the weight of our earlier conversation still plaguing us as he shuffled his feet and pulled away slightly.

“I did,” I replied. I felt trapped between his pure stare and my desire to flee. I wasn’t ready for this conversation. All of the events of tonight were still too raw. “Look, I’m pretty self-destructive when backed into a corner, but I don’t want that with you, ok? Can you wait a little longer? Today was…hard,” I rushed out, my feet practically bouncing with the desire to run before he could lock me out.

“Of course. You know where I’ll be,” he said before grabbing his elbow and heading towards the Scavenger camp. The selfish and needy part of me was sad that he didn’t offer to walk me home, but I knew he was just giving me what I asked for—space.

“What are you doing here, anyway?” I asked as he walked away.

“Sometimes a mind needs more time to accept what a heart already knows,” Tallis said softly. I could barely hear him as he walked away. “My heart keeps bringing me to wherever you are, Agapimenos.”