Kat sat on her bed in a state of mild shock. Once her tea went cold, she could only try to get some sleep, and she was physically exhausted enough to sleep for three days. But she just couldn’t get to sleep, her brain going a mile a minute and getting faster all the time.

Did that really happen? My God, it was…I’ve never…was that really…did that really happen?

She couldn’t stop reliving the event while it was still so fresh in her memory. And those striking flashes, grabbed and thrown around, tied up so tight to that chair, the ice cubes and the candle wax, brought that familiar hum back to her loins, remembered ecstasy, on the ready to return. But her pussy was beyond her own use—so sensitive and sore. It was hard to resist, but once again Kat felt herself delicately trapped between conflicting emotions. She wondered if things would ever be any different from that point on, if they’d ever be the same again.

But that only made her wonder, and hope, that he might return, that he’d recognized the same chemistry between them, the same magic. But the hours went on with no sounds of promise leaking in from the living room or hallway.

He’s not coming back; of course he’s not. It was just another job, I was just another client.

No, I can’t believe that. He…he told me his name; that had to mean something. Everything we did, it…it couldn’t have meant just nothing; it couldn’t!

She took another shower, but could only stand there like some wet zombie. Her imagination kept flashing on a previous fantasy, of her kidnapper ripping the shower curtain open and attacking her, bending her over and fucking her hard right there in the shower. But this time he had a face, blue eyes piercing out of a sculpted, somber mask, shrouded in long, dirty-blond hair. And he had a name.

Carter Fields.

But no dramatic assault was to come, and finally she had to turn the water off and step back into her bathroom, her apartment, her life as it was, as it had been, as it more or less always would be.

Kat sat in the living room, slowly sipping some hot Earl Grey tea. She looked around the still, quiet room, unable to prevent herself from reliving the crazy day before—the wild struggle, the fantastic futility of it all.

The apartment would never feel the same again, she already knew that; nothing would. I guess it’s as good a time as any to go back to Tucson.

But that thought rang hollow too. Tucson was nothing like New York. Nothing like that night would ever happen again if she decided to move back there.

Last night was great, she silently admitted. It was beyond great; it was fantastic! But maybe it was just the beginning. Maybe there are other things that are just as…well, almost as great, nearly as fantastic. And I won’t find them in Tucson. Jackie was right.

Jackie!

She looked around for her smartphone, then pushed herself slowly up to cross to the bedroom to get it and tell her roommate that it was time to come home so she could tell her everything else.

* * *

The lobster Cobb salad at Ed’s Lobster Bar near Soho was crisp and delicious, the fresh lobster meat tender and splashed with lemon, the iceberg lettuce and other vegetables a perfect mélange for a spring day.

The more Kat talked about it, the less melancholy she felt and the more excited she was, as if the rush of the experience was coming back to her. “He was so strong, Jackie, I’ve never even met a man like that, much less…been with him.”

“So you did the deed?” Kat could only smile and shrug. Jackie’s eyes widened with intrigue. “I knew you would! Girl, I’m so glad! How was it?”

“I-I can’t even describe it.”

“The hell you can’t! You can describe every second, starting from the very first one and not leave out a thing!” They shared a chuckle, but the bite of salad Kat savored told Jackie that the details wouldn’t be so fast in coming. “Well, I’m really happy for you anyway, hon. You deserved it. Especially after that shit experience with that poor excuse of a man you called your ex.”

“Thank you so much again, Jackie…I mean, for more than just…the thing.” Jackie tilted her head, confused as she took a bite of her lobster mac & cheese. Kat explained, “For caring so much, for being such a good friend. And…and for the good advice, too, about maybe not leaving New York so soon.”

Jackie’s big eyes lit up. “Whaatttt? Oh, Kat! I’m so glad to hear it. You’ll be glad too; you’re totally making the right choice!”

“For now, Jackie, for now. But I have to admit, my eyes have been opened—there’s something…something new inside me, I can’t quite explain it.”

Jackie smiled warmly and leaned forward just a bit. “It’s not new, Kat, it’s been there all along. You’re only now just discovering it.”

Kat had been so ready to disagree with her friend on this point for so long, she was almost ready to do it again just out of reflex. But things were different now; everything was different.

“I suppose you’re right, Jackie, I-I didn’t know I was so…so dark.”

“You’re not, sweetie, you’re just human.” She thought about that, long and hard, among other things.

After indulging in some thoughts of her own, Jackie said, “It’s so exciting, this…this coming of age, y’know? Self-discovery, all that; it’s great.” Kat nodded, letting her friend go on to say, “So, maybe now’s the time to rethink a few other things too.”

Kat’s mind flashed on too many things to know what her friend meant, a sip of lemonade not doing much to cleanse her brain. “What, not Ben?”

“No, girl—”

“Not Mitchell?”

“Oh hell no, of course not! I mean…maybe it’s time you start to think about coming to work with me.” Kat’s first thought was to object, again out of sheer instinct. But her instincts were changing, and she said nothing. So Jackie went on, “You’re obviously into this kind of thing. And like I said before, it’s just another kind of acting, performing. And what I do, it’s not like anybody’s barging into the apartment and tying me up!”

“Jackie!” Kat exclaimed a little louder than she meant to; she looked around the popular lunch joint, more than a few other diners glaring at them from their lobster roles and single-serve claws.

“Anyway, you’ll make a shit-ton of money; we’ll be able to get a better apartment! Maybe we could do a niche thing, you play the victim—”

“No, Jackie, no; it’s not about that, it’s not about being a victim… It’s about… I dunno, but it’s about more than that.” Kat stumbled over her words, not quite finding the right ones.

Jackie raised an eyebrow. “Okay, well, that’s insight we can use,” she said sarcastically.

Kat laughed at how nonsensical she sounded. “I dunno, Jackie.” She glanced out the window, hoping she might see Carter walking down the street, that their eyes would lock, that they’d throw themselves into each other’s arms. But it was just another parade of dead-eyed pedestrians pushing through the rat race of life in the Big Apple. “Let me think about it.”

* * *

The Samperstein party was a big one, and once Kat returned to work, she felt it was best that she take the reins with Ben to show him, and everyone, that she was back at the helm. But what she couldn’t do was get her mind back in the game.

They were in a rented play place called Funtimes, children climbing the jungle gym and playing in the bouncy house while she and Ben sat face-painting the kids, each with a long line.

She tried to keep her mind on her work, and she certainly wasn’t overly chatty with Ben. She was unable to think of anything other than that day with Carter, but she certainly wasn’t about to discuss it with Ben. At the least it would hurt his feelings, at the worst it could ruin their friendship, their business, or even set him off on some vengeful tirade.

If only he didn’t feel the way he did about me, she couldn’t help but think.

Ben glanced at her from his paint kit, just a few feet away. “You sure you’re all better? You seem a bit…I dunno, out of it.”

“No, I’m fine, it’s just…still a little tired, I guess. But you gotta get back out there sometime, right?”

“Right, exactly. And I gotta tell you, I think it’s great that you’re staying. The business is gonna do better than ever this year, I’m tellin’ ya. And, well, it’s not a romantic thing, it’s not, but… I just really value your friendship, y’know? We’re more than friends, we’re partners, and whatever else happens, wherever you go, I’ll always treasure that.”

They shared a subtle silence, the children having to forgo their paint jobs during that sentimental pause.

Maybe it’s not so bad that he feels the way he does about me, she considered.

Then the little boy in front of her glanced at the mirror near Kat’s paints and whined, “I’m a tiger!”

“Yeah,” she answered enthusiastically.

“But I wanted to be a cheetah!” He pouted and huffed.

“Oh,” Kat said, absorbing Ben’s worried stare, “okay, well, we’ll take off the stripes and add some spots; it’s no big deal.” And it wasn’t, she knew that. But it was a bad sign that she was losing focus, that she was losing interest, that she was losing control.

* * *

“What do you mean you’re not sure?” Adrienne’s new smile was nowhere in sight on that little Skype screen. “We’re all so much looking forward to it, dear.”

“I know that,” Kat said, sitting in front of the little desk in her little bedroom, “and I really do want to see you all again. But I’m just not sure now’s the right time, that’s all.”

“But…what’s changed? You seemed ready to go just a few days back. Is there…a new man in your life?”

She had no idea how to answer, and though she was loathe to lie to her mother, she knew the truth was out of the question. And the more she thought about it, the more unsure she was what the real answer could be. Carter wasn’t still in her life, she knew that, and the reminder brought only a cold knot in her belly.

“Kathleen?”

“No, it’s not about that, Mom, it’s…it’s just a gut feeling, that’s all.” Well, Kat reassured herself, it may be vague, but at least that’s the truth.

“What about Jeanell and Ric? They were so looking forward to having you here when their baby was born.”

“We can still do that…just change the date on the ticket; we’ll make it a brief visit instead,” Kat reasoned. Even through that little computer screen, she could see the disappointment in her mother’s eyes, and she hated that she was the cause of it. But she didn’t see much choice for either one of them, at least not at that time. “Who knows what’ll happen in the future, Mom. Maybe next year. I’m not saying never, just…not now.”

Adrienne sighed and forced a smile, dropping her hands onto her lap. “Okay, Kathleen, if that’s how you feel.”

“It is,” she said, thinking but not saying: at least, I’m pretty sure it is.