Chapter Eleven

Torn

Juliana

I look out the window, watching my son as he laughs while running toward the barn, with Phoenix chasing behind him.

“They’re coming,” I whisper out loud.

“They?” Gail asks, looking up from her newspaper.

“Your sons—all of them—and Mags.”

I feel horrible that I didn’t tell her after all she has done for me, but I know she would have done the same thing if put in this situation.

She stands up and walks to the window, holding her hand to her chest. “My God, look at them.” Her voice quivers. “Look at my sons. Men. All three, beautiful and strong men.”

I hurt for her. I hurt because I can’t imagine what she’s going to feel if they make her leave. The ultimate betrayal. She loves them.

She stands straighter. “I knew this day would come. I knew it, Juliana.” She looks at me. “You and I will be fine. We will. I will make sure of it.”

God, I am a horrible person. Horrible.

When the door opens, we both stiffen. They walk into the kitchen, and Garrett looks at her, eyes narrowed slightly, then he frowns and looks down. He doesn’t once look at me. I’m glad, because I can’t imagine seeing the look of disgust on his face in broad daylight. It was bad enough by moonlight and that candle.

I watch Garrett out of the corner of my eye, head down and hiding in my hair. I can’t look at him. I’m angry, so angry at his treatment of me last night, angry at myself for playing his sick game. Angrier because I wanted him. I wanted him so damn badly.

I feel so incredibly guilty. Peter doesn’t deserve this, not at all. But it wasn’t planned.

God, I still can’t believe he’s here. For years, years since that night, I waited for him to come at Christmas, a holiday—something, anything, I just knew he would make it all better like he did all those years ago.

How silly is that? It was nothing like all those years ago. Back then, I wasn’t to blame. Now, I am.

I watch as Gail hugs him and whispers in his ear. I see his hard features soften, and then go hard again. He’s still so damn beautiful. Just...harder.

He can’t even look at her, and he hasn’t looked at me.

Next, she hugs Grayson. He’s more receptive, kissing her cheek.

When she steps toward Gage, he holds his hand up and sneers, “Don’t.”

“I know you’re angry at me—”

“Let’s all have a seat,” Gage cuts her off.

“Gage, listen to me,” she says in a sharper tone.

“Listen to you? Why, Mother? So you can lie to me again?” he snaps.

“I never lied,” she defends herself.

He looks at me and points. “You lied. You fucking lied.”

“Gage,” Garrett interrupts.

“No. Fuck that. She caused all this.” He points at me again.

“Gage,” Garrett snaps this time.

“You’re forgiven. She—”

“I didn’t know what else to do,” I blurt out. “I didn’t. I had no idea.”

Embarrassed, thoroughly embarrassed, I turn quickly, walking as fast as I can out of the kitchen, away from them, away from all of them. I fling open the door to the lower deck and walk out, shutting it behind me. Then I walk to the stairs.

In the distance, I see Brandon and Phoenix picking berries in the nearby shade. I hate her, I do, and I hate that she’s with my son.

I smack the tears away from my face and climb up the stairs. Walking to the far end of the upper deck, I sit in the corner.

I have held it together since I saw Garrett. I held it together all morning. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t, and I am so exhausted. But sleep? No.

I showered when I left him and came back to the house. Then I climbed into bed with Brandon and held him. I held him and watched him sleep. I watched him sleep and thought about how much I hate myself. But I could never have given him a chance to be who he is without doing the things I hated about myself.

I pull my knees to my chest and hug them. I cry into my knees, and my body trembles.

My eyes are so heavy and sore from tears and exhaustion; I have to rest them.

So, I do.

“Hey,” I hear his gruff voice and open my eyes quickly, then close them to stop the sting of the sun. “You need to get up and go say goodbye to my mother.”

I shield my eyes and look at him. “Why?”

He turns his back and starts to walk away as he says, “She’s leaving. You’re staying.”

I jump up. “Is she angry at me? Is she—”

“Don’t fucking talk to me,” he hisses as he looks back at me. “And wipe off your chin—”

“I showered!” I scream at him.

His eyes narrow as he turns back around and steps toward me with a look of disgust on his face.

“After...After you...After you...” I pause, unable to say the words. “I showered.”

“You have drool on your damn chin.” He shakes his head, turns around, and walks toward the stairs. I hear him chuckle as he walks down them.

I wipe my chin as I walk toward the stairs, much faster than he did. I catch up, and then push past him. He huffs.

I walk inside and see Mags. She nods. “You avoided the storm, Juliana.”

“Did I?” I ask. “Or did I just cause the one person who had my back to hurt because of me?”

I walk past her and toward the front door, where I see Gail standing on the porch through the window. I walk outside and close the door behind me. She turns and sighs.

“I’m so sorry, Gail. I am so sorry.” I begin to cry all over again.

“Couldn’t be avoided.” She shrugs. “Garrett fought for you to stay. I am asking you, Juliana, to do me a favor and make sure he does, too.”

It shocks me when she hugs me. Gail has never hugged me, or shown any emotions. She has only directed me.

“I’m going away for a while.” She steps back and grips my shoulders as she looks down. “I know you love that boy. I love mine just the same, and I love Brand.”

“I know you do. I am so—”

“Don’t apologize. Just don’t.” With that, she lets go, grabs her bag, and walks down the porch steps.

Grayson is at her vehicle. He opens the door for her, and then they hug. I see Brandon walking toward her, with Gage.

Brandon gives her a hug, and when Gage nods, she gets in the vehicle and drives up the dirt road.

I watch them walk toward the field, and see Garrett standing there, waiting for them.

I’m pissed when I should be grateful. I need to do something for Gail. Until Phoenix came in the picture, he was only angry at his mother and now...now he has pushed her away.

Fuck her. Fuck her for hurting Gail. And fuck her for thinking she is going to be allowed around my son.

I walk quickly up the road so they don’t see me, intent on putting an end to her rule.

I think of Mags’ advice and try to calm myself down before knocking on her cabin door.

“Come in,” she yells. Her back is to the door when I walk in. She’s at the tiny kitchen sink. “You don’t have to knock.” She turns and looks at me, “Well, you do.”

The room is full of flowers, and now more than ever I know Gage is allowing her to prey on his emotions.

“You and I need to talk.”

“I’m not sure it’s necessary,” she says as she pours a cup of coffee.

I sit at the table and push one of vases aside. “I’ll take a cup.”

“I’m not offering.” She stands up tall.

I wait for her to settle down. Sit, give me a cup of coffee—anything—but she doesn’t.

“I have nothing to say to you. I have not one damn thing to say, so you can leave or I can make you.”

Threats don’t go over well with me, not from women I can see through, like her.

“You may not have anything to say to me, but as Brandon’s mother, I have a few things to say to you. And apparently, you’ve dug your feet so deep in the ground here, you’re gonna plant roots.” I pull a rose out of the closest vase and smell it, hoping it calms me.

She says nothing. Doesn’t even move.

I decide to appeal to her softer side, if there is one.

“I was in a very unfortunate position. I was pregnant with a boy I”—I pause—”with Garrett’s child, and he was in no shape or position to help me raise him, and I knew there was no way I could do it alone.”

“Did you even try?” she snaps.

“Gage happened to be there the night I told him, and while Garrett was fucked up and flipping out, Gage stepped in and dragged me out of there. At that moment, I knew what I had to do. I knew what I needed in order to make things okay for my child, and for”—I pause again, hating opening up to her, to anyone—”Garrett.”

“And you. Let’s not forget about how tricking Gage into believing he got you pregnant made life a hell of a lot easier for you.”

I didn’t expect her to understand, but to be this bitchy, I didn’t expect that, either.

“My child was raised the way he deserved to be, and with his family, his biological family.”

“I’ve only known him for a month, and I know damn well, had you told him the truth, he would have still raised that little boy,” she says, sticking up for Gage.

I don’t tell her I had seconds—mere seconds—to figure out what to do. It wasn’t a well-thought-out plan. And yes, I was waiting for Garrett to make things better, like he had been for months. But I don’t tell her that. I won’t give her that personal information so she can use it against me.

“Maybe. Maybe not.” I shrug.

“God, you’re a bitch, a self-serving bitch.”

“I don’t owe you an explanation. I’m only giving you one because, you and I, Phoenix, we’re going to have to deal with one another for as long as Gage decides to keep you around.” I look her up and down, hoping to make her uncomfortable. “And don’t you think for a minute that, if he feels you and I can’t be civil for Brandon, we’ll be out. Well, you’ll be out, because I have faked a hell of a lot in order to keep Brandon’s life as it is.”

“I’ll be just fine.” She half-laughs at me. “You’re the one throwing daggers and making comments in front of him, not me.”

I stand up, knowing this conversation was going to be a bad idea. “Good to know.”

I walk toward the door, anger building even faster than before. Then I turn and look her up and down again. “You won’t last more than six months.”

“You better keep walking out of my place.”

“Gage’s,” I remind her. “See, you’re no different than me.”

“I pay my own bills, make my own way. I’m not sucking off every Falcon around to get by!”

Fuck her righteous indignation. I’m done.

I walk over, open the cabin door, and come face-to-face with Gage.

“You come up here and start shit again, you’re out,” he snaps as I push past the anger in seeing him. “She’s a hell of a lot more welcome than you’ll ever be.”