You should have come to me first thing,” said Callum.

Ash was still on the couch in his office. He hadn’t been able to stay at the apartment, not after Lucas walked out. He’d come to the one familiar, safe place in his life. The place he’d now made more safe by giving up any chance of happiness. There was a red mark on his face where the couch had pressed into his cheek all night.

“You didn’t care,” said Ash. He wasn’t in the mood for a fight with his brother, but he also wasn’t in the mood to keep the peace. He was trying so hard to freeze his heart, to keep it chilly and unfeeling, so he wouldn’t have to think about what happened last night.

What you did. The way you hurt Lucas.

I did it to save him, he said to himself.

Did you do it to save him…or to save yourself?

“Of course I care,” said Callum. “This Ricky fucker was threatening to take down the company? Why wouldn’t I care about that? Just because you made a mind-bogglingly stupid choice in men, doesn’t mean I stopped caring about the company.”

Ash rubbed his face and sat up. “What time is it, anyway?”

“Five thirty. I’ve got to get the final offer out to Denver…but after they sign, I’m thinking about taking off for a couple of days. It has been a whirlwind with them.”

Ash blinked. “And I’ve totally missed it.”

“You’ve been missing a lot of things lately, if I’m honest,” said Callum.

“No more,” said Ash. “I’m done. I had my shot at happy human emotions, and I blew it.”

“You didn’t blow it, you did the right thing, putting family first. You saved the company. Maybe. As long as we cough up the money for Dad’s lawyers, he won’t sell to Ricky, and Ricky won’t get a toe-hold.”

“He’s got more money than God,” said Ash. “He could still come after us.”

“Nah. From what you said, all he wants is to see you miserable. And buddy, you look fucking miserable.”

Ash rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. “I feel like shit.”

“You should’ve called last night. I could’ve taken you out somewhere. Taken your mind off things.”

I don’t want to take my mind off Lucas. I hurt him so badly, and I’m not sure I did the right thing.

In fact my heart says I did the wrongest thing in the world.

But how could it be wrong? All the numbers lined up. He had saved them both from so much heartache.

Except that mine still aches.

“Time for work,” he said, moving over to his desk.

“Whoa now. Seriously, Ash, why don’t you go home? You’re in no shape to work today.”

“I don’t have a home,” Ash said. “I’ve got a shitty little apartment I never stay at, and I’ve got that couch. Wow…my world is really, really small.”

Lucas had made it larger. Lucas had given me something to care about, some place to be, instead of this restricted little area of mine. I may have a whole company, my family may own half the county…but I spend ninety percent of my life in this room…and most of that, alone.

There was no use thinking about Lucas. After what Ash had done, there was no chance of recovery. He’d seen the look on Lucas’ face, the confusion and pain as Ash broke his trust.

It didn’t matter that he had done it to save the both of them. It mattered that it was one more hurtful thing he’d done in a lifetime of hurtful things, yet another unforgivable thing.

“You can’t just sit there and mope, and you won't be any good at work today,” said Callum.

“I can’t believe how blind I was,” Ash said. “To think things could’ve worked out with Lucas. I should’ve known from the start that I would ruin it somehow.”

“Ruin it? Sounds like you made the smart decision,” said Callum. “Phelps has always been a loser. Up until recently, you would have agreed with me.”

“He’s not a loser,” said Ash. “He’s a sweet, sensitive guy—”

“Oh god, stop.”

“—who understands me.”

Callum stared. “Man, I thought things were just physical between you, which was gross enough. I didn’t realize you got syrupy about it.”

“Fuck off, Callum.”

“You know I mean well. But no wonder you’re sitting there moping. What can I do to snap you out of it?”

“You can make sure that I didn’t break up with him for nothing. Go see Dad. I can’t do it. Go tell him, the relationship is over, so he has to cancel the sale. We’ll write a check.”

Callum blinked. “You’re serious. You'll finance Dad's appeal.”

“We’re going to turn back the clock,” Ash said. “Isn’t that what everybody wants? Get us back to the good old days when Dad was captain of our increasingly unsteady and leaky ship? Maybe he can raid the pension fund next.”

“He won’t—”

“Don’t listen to me. I’m in pain. Just…I want this to be over. I want my having broken up with Lucas to mean something positive.”

* * *

He’d canceled all his meetings today, and had his secretary refusing all calls, so it surprised him when someone knocked on the door.

Who could it have been? Callum wouldn’t have knocked.

His heart fluttered. What if it’s Lucas?

But it wouldn’t be. He was never going to see Lucas again.

“I’m not here,” he said, loud enough to be heard through the door.

The doorknob turned.

At first he didn’t recognize the man in the bright doorway. His eyes were still fuzzy from the lack of sleep, and had adjusted to the darkness of his office; the doorway itself was a blazing rectangle of light.

“Hey,” said the man in the door. “Ash? I think I’ve made a really stupid mistake.”

It wasn’t until the man closed the door, and Ash’s eyes adjusted, that he realized who it was.

Rex. The boy who drowned.

He wasn’t a boy anymore. But every time Ash had seen him in recent years—from him showing up at company picnics with Simon, to the recent wedding, to the wholly humiliating walk-in while Ash and Lucas had been kissing, Rex had seemed smaller somehow, like he was still the frail asthmatic boy Callum had shoved into the water.

The office seemed so much smaller, with him in it. Almost like it was full of water. Ash could barely breathe.

Rex didn’t look comfortable, either. His hand kept creeping up to his chest, his fingers against his throat. He was breathing quickly.

“Can I get you a drink?” asked Ash, gesturing at the liquor cabinet.

“No…no, I don’t drink,” said Rex. “I’m here to talk.”

Ash nodded. “Did Lucas send you?”

Please say no. If Lucas was up all night thinking of hateful things to tell me, and sent you here to say them, I think my broken heart would just break all over again, crushed into dust.

But Rex’s eyes widened. “Lucas? Oh, god no. He’d kill me if he knew I was here.”

Rex swallowed, and looked around the office. His eyes had the furtive, desperate look of someone trying to figure out all the exits from the room. His discomfort was making Ash even more uncomfortable, too. Had they ever spoken to one another, since that day at the quarry?

“Have a seat,” said Ash. “Tell me why you came. How…how is Lucas?”

“Hurt. Badly.”

“I’m so sorry about that.”

Rex closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I can’t believe I’m in here. I just need a second.” A few breaths later: “I can’t believe I’m saying this. If you knew what it was doing to me to be here—”

“I can see what it’s doing to you,” said Ash.

“Good. Then you know the only reason I’d come see you is if it were a matter of life and death. I don’t like you, Ash. I hate you and your brother, more than you can imagine. I have nightmares about you. You two destroyed my life…and I didn’t think you ever cared. I thought it was nothing to you.”

Ash shook his head. “That’s not true. I carry the guilt about it with me to this day.”

“I hope you’re telling me the truth. Lucas saw something in you. Something none of us have ever been able to see. It would be easy to say he was deluding himself…but Lucas is a good judge of character, and he said you were trying to save him with this break-up.”

“Save him, save me, save everyone. I was even saving you. I know it hurt you to see us together.”

Rex nodded. “It tore me up inside. I made Lucas choose. I told him he couldn’t have my friendship and have you as a boyfriend. But…I think I was wrong to do that.”

Ash inclined his head. “I understand why you would say it, though. And as it turns out, you were right. I freed him to choose his friends. It’s healthier that way.”

“No. That’s why I’m here. I think you’re wrong.”

Something flickered inside Ash’s heart. “What?”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think it was a mistake for you to break up with Lucas.”

Ash picked up a pen from his desk and tapped it against his knuckles. “I don’t know if he told you the whole story. There were things happening with our land—”

“Yes, I know. Lucas told us about that. Endlessly.”

That made Ash smile. Lucas would talk endlessly about the land. The look on his face when he got started, the almost dreamlike look Lucas got when he envisioned the farm coming back to life…

This hurts so much.

“Then you understand why it had to happen. This guy from our past, this Ricky Talbot—”

Rex shook his head. “I don’t care. I mean, I understand, but you can’t sit there and tell me that a few acres of land are more important than what you had with Lucas. He wouldn’t be so devastated if this were just a fling. He loves you, Ash.”

Loves. Present tense. Not loved. Not something that ended. Something that’s still going on.

“I love him too. I know everybody thinks I’m a cold-hearted robot, but I’m not. Lucas is the one who thawed me out.”

“Then go back to him. Apologize.”

“Don’t you see, I can’t? I mean, it’s great that you and I can talk about this, and that you want him to be free to choose me…but he can’t choose me. Ricky’s not going to stop with a few acres. That’s just getting his foot in the door. It will destroy the bond between Lucas and his dad, and Lucas will lose all the land, and I’ll lose my company, and—”

Rex shook his head. “Listen. I’m no guru. I’m not a therapist. I have no business telling anyone how to live. Hell, I live in what’s basically a gardener’s shack, because my mind hasn’t worked right since the quarry. But nearly dying has one good outcome: I understand what matters in life. And what matters is the connection between people. The love. If you give up Lucas, you might keep this company, but you’ll be losing something more special, someone who loves you. It’s not worth it, Ash. No amount of money, no amount of land, is worth it.”

“I believe that, I do,” said Ash. “But I also know Ricky will destroy Lucas if I go back to him. It’s not even me that I care about at this point. The company…ugh. It can burn to the ground. But I can’t risk Lucas.”

“Then find a way to fix the problem,” said Rex, putting his hands on the desk. “You guys do million dollar deals with people all over the world. You have so many tools at your disposal. Figure this out. Figure out the way to win Lucas back—without letting Ricky hurt him.”

“I’ve tried, don’t you think I’ve tried? I’ve thought, and I’ve planned, and—”

“Then think harder. Because let me tell you, my best friend is in more pain than I’ve ever seen him in. I can’t make it better, none of us can. You’re the only one who can help Lucas. And you have to do it.”

“But—”

“No. No buts. You owe me, Ash Cray. You and your brother nearly killed me at the quarry, and there has been a debt there that you have never repaid. You want to be free of it? Fine. Fix this problem.”