This is your place?” asked Lucas, looking around the small apartment.

Ash turned on a lamp, but the extra light didn’t make his home seem any bigger. He scowled. There was a reason he didn’t bring people here.

“It used to be my pied-à-terre when I had to stay in town overnight,” he said. “But I sold my condo in the city when the company started having trouble. Now I live here full time.”

“I can see why you sleep in your office,” said Lucas.

“It’s not that bad.”

“Why didn’t you do what I did, and just build a house on your family property?”

Have you met my family? Ash thought. He went into the tiny kitchen and got out the whiskey and two glasses. “Independence,” he said. “I’m a little surprised you insisted on living next to your dad, considering the friction between you.”

Lucas shrugged. “It seemed natural at the time. Of course, now it all seems cursed.”

He accepted the whiskey Ash offered and drained the glass. He set the glass back on the counter and nodded for another.

“So it was pretty bad?” Ash asked.

“I don’t understand it,” Lucas said. He sipped his second whiskey much more slowly. “How did we get into this position where we have to give up everything to be together?”

The exhaustion in Lucas’ voice matched how Ash felt. Ever since visiting Archibald at the prison, he had felt bruised. Crushed. He’d been sitting alone in his office all night, when Lucas had called, so Ash had invited him over here.

But there was something in the air. They didn’t seem able to draw comfort from each other tonight. Maybe Lucas wasn’t just exhausted, maybe he was angry, too. Ash certainly was.

“I can’t figure it out,” said Ash. “Logic says we can defeat Ricky. It’s just a matter of acreage. Why is it complicated? Why does everyone we know have to turn their backs on us?”

Lucas ran his thumb over the rim of the whiskey glass. “Do you feel like we’re spinning our wheels here? It’s like the past keeps repeating on us. Get together, Ricky pulls us apart. Everyone freaks out on us. I don’t want to lose my friends.”

“Maybe if they’re having this much of a problem with you being happy, they’re not really your friends,” Ash suggested. It seemed rational to him…so it surprised him when Lucas’ face reddened.

“No. That’s not true at all,” he said. “They’re my friends. They mean the world to me.”

“But they don’t like me, I get that,” said Ash.

Why should they? What I did back then was unforgivable.

We never stop paying for our sins, not really. Nor should we. That’s why my dad should stay in jail. But…does that mean I don’t deserve to be happy, either?

His shoulders tightened, and he took his whiskey into the living area. Lucas followed him, and they sat across from each other.

Lucas said, “So, you haven’t thought of any brilliant ideas to stop Ricky, and I haven’t thought of any brilliant ideas to stop my dad.”

“And my dad is cheering on my destruction.”

“What the fuck is wrong with our families?”

“Oh, I can answer that,” said Ash. “If you spend your whole life hearing about the feud, if everyone in the past three or four generations has been soaking in hate, what do you do once the feud is over? You turn inward. You haven’t gotten rid of the hate, just its target. It eats away at you, you’ve got to aim it somewhere…”

“And so our dads aimed it at us.”

Ash drew his feet up underneath him in the chair. “You know who I’m jealous of? Evan. He missed all of this. He never had to be part of that hatred. Have you seen Evan with his son? They’re so happy together. There’s none of this weird, I’m training you to battle for your legacy bullshit that you and I had to go through.”

Lucas sighed and leaned back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling. “You know, one thing we never learned back in school was how to lose. Like, neither of us was ever gracious about it. We weren’t good sports.”

Ash wondered where Lucas was going with that. “You were the only guy I ever had to lose to.”

“Exactly. It was just us, just our rivalry. No one else could touch us. So here we are, adults, and we don’t know how to deal with a challenge where we have to pick what we’re going to lose. Because obviously we can’t have everything. I can’t have you, plus my friends, plus my land.”

Was this what despair felt like? The strange twist in his stomach, this emotion that had none of the electricity of fear, but still left his nerves jangling?

“You sound so certain about that,” Ash said. “Like you’ve already given up.”

Now Lucas looked at him. “Why aren’t we giving up? Why are we trying to have it all? You, for example. Why do you want to spend all your time building up a company that can get stolen from you the moment someone bigger comes along?”

“I could ask you the same thing. Your dad is never going to let you start your little farm. You’ll be seventy before the land is yours. What’s your plan, Lucas? Why hold so tightly to a dream you can’t possibly fulfill?”

Lucas frowned. “Because…”

“Because it’s how you always saw yourself, and since you never lost anything in your life, it didn’t occur to you that you couldn’t have the land, that what you wanted was always out of reach.”

“Dude, that’s a bit cold. Are we fighting?”

Ash shook his head. “I’m not fighting. I’m just pointing out that neither of us is built for this. You’re saying that me keeping my company is impossible, I’m saying that your farm is impossible.”

“So then what?” asked Lucas. “Should we give up? Should we go find that desert island after all? Let Ricky buy the whole fucking county, let our dads sit on top of big piles of cash the rest of their lives, while we have nothing, no family, no friends, just each other?”

“You make life with me sound so appealing. Just each other. What, would it be a torture to live with me? Am I not worth it?”

“Jesus, where are you going with this, Ash?”

Don’t you see? Ash thought. Don’t you understand? I need you to comfort me. I have never asked for comfort in my life. I don’t even know how to show vulnerability…I’ve spent all these years hiding it. Trying to pretend nothing can ever hurt me.

But I’m hurting right now, and I don’t know how to tell you. I don’t want to lose everything.

I don’t want you to lose everything.

…because I’m not worth it, Lucas.

He finished his whiskey, letting it burn a trail of fire down his throat. Everything in his life burned like that right now. Everything that touched him left a trail of pain.

“God, I’m so fucking melodramatic,” he said.

Lucas scowled. “What? No you’re not. Well, aside from all the ‘I will destroy you’ stuff, but you’ve gotten better about that in the past couple days.”

Ash knew he had to be honest with Lucas. It would be hard, but he had to be open.

But it was hard. Even though Lucas was the one person on earth who would really understand.

Why was it so difficult to show pain? If Ash had stubbed his toe, he wouldn’t have tried to hide that it hurt, would he? He wouldn’t have collapsed into tears about it or anything stupid like that, but he could’ve at least shown the pain.

But this? This loss of everything he loved ached so badly that he could never explain it to anyone. Not even Lucas.

What Ricky was doing was erasing his entire world.

If it hadn’t been for Ricky, maybe Ash could have persuaded himself over time that his father wasn’t as bad as he thought. Maybe, after Archibald had served a few years, there could even be a peace between them.

Oh, such weakness, to admit you need a father in your life. To admit there is a wound inside of you that just can’t heal, because Archibald turned out to be a narcissistic bastard, rather than someone who could give of his heart.

Lucas was staring at him. “Are you…okay?”

Ash shook his head. “I don’t think I am, Lucas. I don’t think I’m okay at all. This whole episode in our lives has shown me things about myself I wish I never knew. It’s funny, because before you came back into my life, I think I could have hidden from it all. I could have pretended every problem is something you can calculate away. But I’m up against something now that has no logic, no reason. It’s chaos. People whose motives are so selfish, they make me look like a saint by comparison…and yet, I’m not a saint. I’m shallow. I’m weak.”

“Holy shit, Ash, you might be a lot of things, but shallow and weak? No way.”

“Don’t you think it was weakness, what I did to you back in school? Unable to confront losing Ricky, I went into a rage, I let Callum drag you—”

“I know all that. But this isn’t school. Damn, man, don’t you think I’ve already forgiven you of all that? We wouldn’t be together if I wasn’t able to forgive you.”

“But I can’t forgive myself,” said Ash. “Not for anything. Not for the string of stupid mistakes that have brought us to this point. How can I forgive myself? You’re the one who says people can’t change. What if you’re right? What if I’m the same flawed, selfish person you knew back in school? What if I’m as bad as my dad?”

“You’re not. That’s absurd.”

“Then why do I feel so fucking guilty for getting us into this mess?”

Lucas got up and knelt next to Ash’s chair. He took Ash’s hand in his own. “This isn’t your fault. I promise you, Ash. We didn’t make our dads the way they are.”

“But we did make Ricky the way he is.”

Lucas squeezed his hand. “Bullshit. We were kids. The rest of us grew up, why couldn’t Ricky? The fact that he couldn’t get past his hurt feelings doesn’t mean we still have to pay for it.”

Ash looked down at him. Lucas was so noble. Beautiful. That’s part of what hurt so damn badly about all this.

I can fix this for you. It will hurt so much, and you’ll never understand. But I can fix this. You’ll have your friends back, and your land, your legacy. And the only price to pay is that we can’t be together. Trust me, you won’t be missing much. Really, I’m the one who will be paying, because I won’t get to look into your beautiful, soulful eyes anymore. I won’t get to feel your strong hands.

“Your friend Rex never got over it,” said Ash. “How is that different than Ricky? We didn’t something horrible to them. No, I take that back: I did something horrible to them. You were just along for the ride.”

“Rex… Well, I started to say that he’ll come around eventually.”

“But he won’t,” said Ash. “You know that. He hates the Crays, and of all the people in the world, he has the most justification.”

“I don’t like where you’re going with all this,” said Lucas.

Ash nodded. “I know. But I can’t take your friends away. It’s not fair. It’s really not fair. I can’t keep causing pain in your life.”

“You’re not causing—”

“I’m not talking about your pain right now. I’m talking about Rex. He needs you. Your other friends, they need you too. And I hate to say it, but what about your dad, Lucas? He’s not well. He needs you around.”

Lucas stiffened. “My dad will be fine.”

“You know that’s not true. I don’t understand why you’re trying to hide from the truth about him.”

“My dad is irrelevant to all this. He’s just determined to be shallow, but it’s so manipulative—”

“Your dad is mentally ill. And you know that. And you know how dangerous it would be for him to be all alone, especially if he suddenly receives a lot of money from Ricky. Can you imagine the trouble he could cause himself?”

Lucas let go of his hand and sat back on the floor. “Come on, Ash. Forget about all this. Let’s just go. Pack our fucking bags and get on a plane somewhere.”

Ash stood up from the chair. “Lucas, stand up.”

Hesitantly, Lucas stood next to him, and Ash put his arms around him.

“Don’t be weird,” Lucas said.

“Hold me. Kiss me goodbye.”

“You’re not serious.”

“If there’s one thing you know about me, it's that I am always serious.”

Lucas stepped back. His eyes were wet. “You need a night to think. Things have been overwhelming, and when they get this stressful, people make snap judgments. Give it a night. You’ll see. We can make this work, Ash. Don’t you want to?”

“Of course I want to. I would love it if I could be with you. But it’s hurting you, it’s hurting everyone around you.”

“Are you sure that’s why you’re doing this?” said Lucas suspiciously.

“Why else?”

“I mean…are you sure you’re not doing this because you want your company more than you want me?”

“Come on, Lucas, don’t be like that, all right? Let me try to be noble and good, for once in my life.”

“No! Forget that! You’re going to break up with me? And you’re going to spin that as being helpful? Oh my god, Ash, what the fuck? Do you not see how much that hurts me? Are you seriously so wrapped up in your stupid calculations that you can’t see the effect of your actions on me?”

Of course I can see them. It’s just that it’s better this way. Once you’re back among your friends, you’ll understand that. You will be better off, once you forget about this little episode of our lives.

He couldn’t say any of that. The words wouldn’t come. He couldn’t explain to Lucas why this was the right decision, why it was the only decision.

All he could do was hold out his arms…but Lucas only shook his head.

“I can’t believe you,” said Lucas. “Maybe I was right. Maybe nobody ever does change.”

His arms were still held out, frozen in place like a statue, as Lucas walked out of his life for good.