victoria

 

 

Victoria spent the next few days in a daze that she didn’t know how to shake off. She tried to appear and act normal with everyone – including Bradley – but she wasn’t sure it was working. She suspected that he sensed something was off, because he himself was acting strangely, but when she asked him what was wrong, he insisted it was nothing and she didn’t want to push the issue.

She looked forward to seeing him at the board meeting, but it was postponed to the following Monday. When she spoke to him, she could tell he couldn’t wait to see her, so they spent Wednesday night together.

He had seemed a little more rough than usual, a little more insistent. Almost as if he was claiming her, making sure she was his. When they snuggled and she tried to escape his arms for a restroom break, he squeezed his arms just a bit tighter around her, unwilling to let her go. He was also quieter than usual, and spent a lot of time just staring at her. It unnerved her, because she had no idea what had spurred this new behaviour.

She met with Ashley and asked for her opinion, which she always did in these situations, but all she did was point out that he was busy studying for exams and all the stress must be taking its toll. Victoria figured she must be right and tried to relax.

She was always wondering what he was doing, what he was thinking, and why he wasn’t inviting her over or dropping by. She ached for his touch and his smile, and she would’ve given anything to spend another night in his arms.

Finally, on Sunday, he called, but it wasn’t the kind of conversation she had in mind.

“We need to talk,” he had said, and almost instantly, she felt a chill go down her spine. After hanging up, she stared off into the distance while clutching the phone, not realizing her knuckles were turning white from the force of her grip.

The words cast a shadow over her, because she knew what they meant – everyone knew what they meant, didn’t they?

At 6pm sharp, she knocked on his door, her heart racing and her palms getting increasingly damp with every passing minute. When he opened the door, she melted into his arms and found his lips with hers, eagerly taking whatever she could get.

Her skinny jeans hugged her tightly, and all she wanted was to feel his hands all over her body, but he seemed to hesitate; his hands didn’t roam all over her, his kiss seemed limp, and his eyes had lost their spark.

When she finally tore herself away from his lips and looked in his eyes, she knew something was wrong.

“Bradley, what is it?” He seemed to want to change the subject and make small talk while making her a coffee, but she was having none of it. Her voice caught in her throat. “What’s wrong? Why are you acting so weird lately?”

He placed their coffee cups on the coffee table and motioned for her to sit down, which she did. He looks so damn sexy when he’s serious, she thought, watching him in his black T-shirt and well-fitting jeans. She couldn’t afford to lose her focus right now; she had to find out what was going on as soon as possible for the sake of her sanity, because she couldn’t deal with the uncertainty that had been plaguing her for days.

Victoria looked up at him questioningly as he stood there silently, appearing to be deep in thought. She thought he looked like he was about to say something, but then his lips would clam shut, so she asked him again.

“What’s wrong, Bradley?”

He slowly and deliberately walked over and sat down beside her, placing his elbows on his knees and looking straight ahead. He cleared his throat and looked her in the eye.

“Victoria…” he paused, and it was obvious he didn’t want to go on. But he did. “I hate to have this talk. We should probably take a break from this…”

Victoria’s mouth went dry. She didn’t want to believe that her worst dreams were coming true, that her main reason for getting out of bed in the morning was going up in smoke right before her.

“What?” She was in shock and couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t think this is going to work out. We’re in over our heads here.”

“But…why? I don’t understand. What do you mean?” A flood of emotions washed over her and she furrowed her brow. Her shock was giving way to confusion.

“Well, there are a bunch of reasons. Things are getting serious very quickly, maybe too quickly, and do you really think I’m the kind of guy you want to be with?” He looked away.

“Bradley, what made you think I had any doubts?”

“I don’t know…but it might not be the best idea for you. I mean, you know about my job, right? Eventually, I’ll quit, but that won’t be for a while, I’m sure. Come on, be real…you don’t belong with a guy like me, you deserve a partner at your firm.” He let out a bitter sounding chuckle and looked down at his hands before taking in a sharp breath.

“What? We were just fine together. You’re the one who tracked me down at the firm and wouldn’t give up. And right after I decide to trust you, and give you my heart, you turn around and do…this? I don’t even know what to call this.” Her confusion started dissipating and she felt the slow burn of anger rise through her body.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. You were…are…very special to me.” He opened his mouth but closed it again, thinking about his next words. “Victoria, I’m at a hard place in my life right now. My sister is still very sick, and I’ve got exams. I can’t afford any distractions.”

Victoria’s eyes squinted in disbelief. “Distraction? I’m a distraction now?”

Her voice wavered because of the tears that threatened to flow from her blood shot eyes. She hated that he was saying these things, that they were having such an effect on her, and that she couldn’t hide her feelings.

If only she could laugh and giggle at him as if he was being silly. But no, she was making it as plain as day that she couldn’t live without him, and that having him to herself was more important than anything else. Maybe not in so many words, but definitely by implication. She took a deep breath to try to calm herself.

“You know that’s not what I mean.”

She wanted to cry and scream, but she didn’t want to lose control in front of him. She had already been vulnerable enough – she wanted to keep at least some of her dignity intact, even if she didn’t feel particularly dignified at that moment.

“It’s for your own good too. You deserve better than what I have to offer, you know. Besides, if anyone finds out about me and my job, it won’t look good for you, and let’s face it, people are judgmental.”

“Don’t say that, Bradley, I don’t care what people think or say. Don’t try to deny that we had – have – something very special. It doesn’t matter to me what they say at all.” She wanted to reach over and run her hand down his arm, to convince him that they belonged together, but she had her pride.

“I’m sorry, Victoria. You know how much I care about you. But I’m too messed up and my life is too complicated right now for me to bring someone into it. I’m in the middle of studying for exams now, trying to get a residency position, and my sister is still sick…there’s too much stress. I’m sorry.”

It was obvious to her that this was really it, and nothing she could say would change his mind. Suddenly, she wanted to be anywhere but on the couch beside him. It all seemed like a nightmare, and she wished someone would pinch her to wake her up.

The elevator door started closing but she made it just in time, and the door closed again just as he was rushing down the hall towards her.

There, alone in the elevator and staring at her sad reflection in the mirror, she let the hot tears flow down her face. She sobbed, rubbing away the salty tears that were each like a memoir, a tribute to the love that she had only just realized she felt for him.

 

****

 

When she got back to her condo, she fumbled with the keys in front of the door. She could hardly see through her tear soaked eyes; everything was blurry, and she just wanted to get inside as quickly as possible. Finally, the lock clicked and she barged in, her hands shaking as she threw her purse and jacket on the side table.

She looked to her safe haven, her couch, and rushed over, sobs pouring out of her. Uncontrollable sobs that seemed as if they’d never stop, just like her misery. Her chest felt tight, and for the first time in her life, she had trouble breathing. Sinking into the couch, she wiggled her shoes off and let them fall to the floor with a thud, a sound that accentuated her wailing and echoed off the high ceilings.

Her phone buzzed in her hand – it was a text message from Ashley. She let the phone fall to the ground before she read the message, not caring at this point what anybody wanted, because nothing seemed to matter anymore.

She laid her head down and cried into one of her throw pillows, her sobs softening and quieting down.

How could this happen? It was almost as if her father could tell the future when he gave her that lecture. Did Bradley really care that little for her, that at the first sign of commitment, he’d go running? Or was it that he couldn’t handle stress, and lashes out at those closest to him? A million scenarios and possibilities went through her mind, but nothing explained his behaviour.

She curled up on the soft couch, and with one last little whimper, she fell into a deep sleep.