CHAPTER EIGHT
ABBY
Chase was out in the fields with the cattle and tractor or whatever, doing – well – whatever farmers do in their fields. Feeling utterly clueless, I stood on the porch watching him. But, I knew I could watch him all day and still have no clue what he did out there.
It had been a couple of weeks, and there was still no sign of Paul, which was a good thing. My bumps and bruises had healed though, and there was some small part of me that desperately hoped Paul had given up on finding me. That I could go on with my life without having to constantly look over my shoulder.
Not that he'd give up that easily, though. I wasn't naïve enough to think that it was over and that he was gone from my life for good. I knew better than that. Having that faint flame of hope was a lot different than staring reality in the face.
I let out a long breath. The mere thought of Paul killed my smile and threatened to ruin my good mood. A weight settled low in my body as I remembered the words he'd said to me that night outside the bar. The night he'd beaten me. He'd promised he'd get me back. He said that nothing would stop him.
“You're mine, Abby,” he shouted through his open car window as he screeched out of the parking lot. “We're going to be a family again, just wait and see. You belong to me!”
A family. Not that we had ever been a family. He'd made sure of that. Not intentionally so, but he's the reason I'd lost our baby. His temper knew no bounds, and once he got drunk, he lost all control. My hand fell to my stomach as the bitter, painful memories washed through me. I'd been four months along, and my child was all I cared for. All I lived for. I was hiding it from him and trying to leave for the sake of my unborn baby, but Paul found out and it was over.
For me and for our child.
Tears welled in my eyes and I shuddered with the memory of my grief. Nobody knew I was ever pregnant besides Paul. No one knew my desire to have a family like my own. I wanted nothing more than to be a mother, and after losing my baby, I knew I could never have that with Paul again. I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to have it with anyone again, to be honest.
But, there I was, and my period was late.
Chase was out on the tractor, at peace. We still weren't officially dating. We had no real label for what we were. We were simply enjoying each other. We'd been sharing a bed for a while now, the guest room went unused since the first night I'd stayed at his place. Even that night though, he'd slept in that bed with me. In the time I'd been with him, we hadn't been apart. It was still new, of course, and there were still so many questions left unanswered for the both of us.
But, there I was, fearing I'd messed up. Fearing that I'd just changed the course of not just my life, but Chase's as well.
With everything going on, and all the craziness the past few months, birth control hadn't been at the top of my priority list. I was on the pill, but with all the stress, I hadn't been the best at remembering to take it. I'd missed a few days.
This was my fault; I knew it.
If I were pregnant, there was no doubt I'd keep the baby. If I were pregnant, it would be not just a miracle, but a little piece of me, and I couldn't imagine getting rid of it. I wasn't sure Chase felt the same way, though. We'd never talked about children and, truth be told, I had no idea how he felt about having kids of his own. All I knew was that he'd been so adamant about not rushing into anything, believing that he'd be alone for the rest of his life. Believing that he was no good for anybody, and was damaged beyond all repair.
Yeah, knowing that, he didn't exactly strike me as a family man.
If it turned out that I was pregnant, I knew that I just might have to leave again. Not knowing how Chase would react to a positive test, I tried to prepare myself for the possibility that I'd have to go back out on my own, even though the police had not located Paul.
Leaving would be a risk for both me and the child, but I might not have any other choice. God, why couldn't things ever be easy for me?
Maybe I wasn't pregnant, I thought. Maybe my period was late because of all the stress I've been under lately. All the stress I've been under for a while now. It's happened before. I bit my lower lip as I continued watching Chase, indecision paralyzing me.
I needed to find out whether I was pregnant for sure. But, with Chase rarely letting me out of his sight, how was I supposed to do that?
As I racked my brain, trying to figure out what I was going to do, my gaze fell on Chase's truck. I chewed on my bottom lip, considering my options – and realized I didn't have many. If I wanted answers, I was going to have to take matters into my own hands.
I didn't drive often, but I did know how to drive. I knew I wasn't supposed to be in town alone – Chase had been very clear about that – but it would be a quick trip. I could run into town and get in and out of the drugstore before anybody knew I was there. One simple purchase. Paul hadn't been seen or heard from in weeks; it should be fine.
I looked back out at the fields, watching Chase on his tractor in the distance. There was no way he would let me go to town alone. No way. There was also no way I could pick up a pregnancy test with him watching my every move. I wasn't ready to have that conversation with him. I feared it could unhinge us before we even got comfortable. It could be the reason he pushed me away.
If I were pregnant, that was one thing. If I wasn't and this was all just a scare, I didn't want to sound the alarm for nothing. I didn't want to lose him. Though I was trying hard not to, I was already developing feelings for this man, and while it was too early to tell, it seemed like he was falling for me too.
Something between us just clicked. Something felt right. When we were together, it was like everybody and everything in the world around us just melted away. We fit together like hand and glove and there was a chemistry developing between us that was undeniable. It was deep and it was profound.
But, it was also still new. Still fragile. The slightest wind could blow this whole house of cards down. Which was why, until I was sure, I couldn't afford to say anything to him about it.
Chase kept his keys on a table by the door. I stepped inside and wrapped my hands around them, holding them tight to keep them from jangling. He was way out in the fields and wouldn't hear them, but I was being paranoid. I took a deep breath as I picked them up. This was it. I was going to do it. He'd be out on the field for a while longer, doing whatever it was he did out there. I could sneak into town, get what I needed and be back before he even knew I was missing.
I just hoped he didn't look up at the wrong time and see his truck driving off. But, the stakes were too high and I was willing to risk it. I felt bad sneaking around like I was, and I felt worse for borrowing his truck without permission. But, I couldn't think of another way to do it. Not without giving away my secret and causing more stress and drama for him. Stress and drama that could possibly push him away for good. For all I knew, it could be nothing and I was just being super paranoid.
Keys in hand, I rushed out to his truck and climbed into the driver's seat. Given that I didn't really drive all that often, it felt weird being behind the wheel – even weirder behind the wheel of such a monstrous vehicle. I put the key in the ignition and it started right up. I checked the mirrors, positioned them just right, hoping I didn't miss any blind spots. It was then though, I noticed the gun rack behind me, Chase's rifle was in place. Good thing to know if I did run into trouble. At least I had the comfort of knowing I had some sort of protection.
My hands trembled and my heart thundered in my chest as I put the truck into reverse. The beast of a truck backed up harder than I'd expected, jolting me a bit. It had been so long since I'd driven anything, and I'd never been behind the wheel of a vehicle that big before, that I began to panic and have second thoughts about this little adventure. But, after a few deep, calming breaths, I got myself collected enough that I managed to get control of the monster. By the time I got turned around and moving in a forward direction, I found that it wasn't so bad. I felt in control of it, so I hit the road – though I drove as slowly as I could toward town.
I was going well below the speed limit, but at least I was staying in control of the vehicle. The road was bumpy and filled with gaping potholes. And because I was moving so slowly – and being so short, I didn't have the best view of the road ahead of me – it felt like I managed to hit every single one of them. After a few minutes of bouncing around through the potholes, nearly hitting my head on the roof of the cab as some of the bigger ones tossed me upward like I weighed nothing, I got used to the size of the truck and the way it handled. I found a way to sit so that I could see the road better. Feeling a little more confident, I sped up just a little. I didn't want Chase to discover his truck missing, so I did need to hurry and get back.
“Please, God, just let everything be okay,” I prayed. “Don't let me crash or hit anybody, either, please.”
I wasn't even sure what “okay” was at that point, to be honest. Part of me wanted to have a baby. Ever since I lost mine, it's been almost an obsession with me. Having a child was never far from my thoughts. But, I was smart enough to realize that my situation was horrible and it was the last thing I needed. It was the last thing a child needed. Before I even thought about having a baby again, I needed to pull myself together and get my life back on track.
In the more immediate sense, I also knew I didn't want to run into Paul, or for Chase to see that his truck was missing. That would be a start. A big start.
Though I'd sped up a bit, I was still driving so slowly, it seemed to take forever to get into town. As soon as I rounded a bend and saw the town come into sight, though, I let out a long breath of relief. I parked outside the pharmacy – accidentally taking up two spots instead of just one. And I wasn't feeling confident enough to try and wiggle the truck into one spot.
No biggie though. I was going to be quick. In and out before anybody even noticed the extra spot I was taking. With my hand on the door handle, I noticed Chase's baseball hat sitting in the passenger seat. Scooping it up, I slipped the hat over my head to give me a little cover, hoping it might offer me some sort of disguise. I climbed out of the truck and hustled inside, keeping my head down.
Once inside the store, I headed straight for the aisle that had what I needed. Feminine products. I glanced down at the different kinds of tests, somewhat surprised to see so many, and debated with myself about which one I should get. Finally, frustrated and not coming up with the magic answer, I grabbed a few different brands, just to be safe, and rushed to the front register.
“Lovely day today, isn't it?” the older woman at the check-out said as I placed the tests on the counter.
“It sure is,” I mumbled, not bothering to look up.
I kept my head down, not making eye contact with anyone, although I was keeping an eye on my surroundings in my peripheral vision.”
“Are you new in town, miss?” the checker asked. “Or just passing through?”
“Passing through,” I lied.
She rang up the first pregnancy test, then the second. I glanced up at her and saw the smile on her face. By the time she rang up the third test kit, she was giggling. I looked at her, viciously biting back the snarky comment on the tip of my tongue. The last thing I wanted to be was memorable and the last thing I wanted to do was draw attention to myself. I just wanted to get my tests and get out of there.
“Sorry,” she said, obviously seeing the look of dismay on my face. “It's just, I remember when I was trying to have kids. Long time ago now, I tell you. It was such a nerve-wracking experience and I didn't know which one to get either. Trying to figure out which test was the best was probably one of the most stressful experiences of the whole ordeal. Better to get them all, am I right?”
“Yeah, I guess,” I said.
I bit my fingernail and tried to hide the color that was blooming in my cheeks. The woman had a friendly smile and I felt bad for being so rude to her. Ordinarily, I would have sat and chatted with her for a while. But, I was feeling each grain of sand slipping through the hourglass keenly, reminding me that time was absolutely of the essence. I just needed to pay for my things and get out of here, not make small talk. She put the items in a bag and I paid with cash – just in case. I'd learned my lesson about using cards.
The woman – her name badge said Cathy – handed me my change. I gave her a grateful little smile as I dropped the money back into my bag.
“Hopefully you and your husband get the news you want,” she said.
Husband. I gulped back the lump growing in my throat and feigned a smile.
“Thank you,” I muttered, not bothering to correct her.
It wouldn't do any good anyway and was a conversation I really couldn't afford to get into. I grabbed the bag and hurried back out to the truck. I got inside as quickly as possible, tossed the bag on the passenger seat, and breathed a sigh of relief. I started the truck and headed back toward Chase's place. I felt better already. I'd get back there, park the truck, and he'd never have to know.
At least that's what I told myself.
The truck drove a little easier on the way back, mainly because I was used to it. I might have even sped a little, trying to get back before Chase got off his tractor and noticed the truck was missing. As I pulled into the driveway, I noticed that the tractor was parked and Chase wasn't in the field, as far as I could tell. My heart sank and I felt the knots in my stomach constricting as I scanned the landscape, searching for any sign of him. Shit. Had he come in while I was gone?
Parking the truck, I waited a moment to see if Chase came running out, hoping he was still out in the field somewhere but feeling that hope fading with each passing second.
Of course, with my luck being what it was, he had come in from the field while I was out. The front door of his house swung open, crashing against the wall, and he came marching toward me. His feet hit the pavement hard and with an audible, angry thump I could hear from inside the truck. His face was twisted with a dark look of anger, and I knew I was in trouble.
I grabbed the bag and held it tightly as I opened the door and slipped out of the truck, preparing myself for the onslaught of questions and anger that were on their way. With my head down, I walked around the hood of the truck and we met just on the passenger side. He stood between me and his house. All I needed was to slip by him and toss the bag into my room.
But, it wasn't meant to be. He held his ground, glowering at me.
“Abby, what the hell?”
“I'm sorry, Chase,” I said. “I just had to get something from the store, and – ”
“And what? You couldn't have told me so I could have taken you?” he asked, throwing his hands in the air in frustration. “You're here because I'm trying to keep you safe. But, you steal my truck and go into town on your own anyway?”
My hands began to tremble. I knew he was right and I knew his anger was justified. I didn't have an excuse for what I did. At least, not one I was willing to share.
“I'm sorry, Chase,” I said. “I just needed to get something for myself. It's – personal.”
“What's so damn important that you risked your life for it, huh?” he asked.
His arms were crossed in front of his chest and he stared down at me. There was so much heat in his eyes, and it wasn't a good heat this time. It wasn't lust or desire – it was anger. He was genuinely upset with me. Not that I could really blame him. But, it still hurt to see that anger in his face directed at me. My eyes welled with tears and my hands shook even more.
“I can't explain it right now,” I sobbed. “It's personal. Chase, please just trust me. I just – I needed to do this one thing on my own.”
His face softened as the tears rolled down my cheeks. The hardened lines on his forehead disappeared the moment I started crying, and he sighed, running a hand through his hair.
“I'm just worried about you, Abby,” he said, his voice soft and full of concern. “I can't lose you. Not after I vowed to keep you safe. I just can't. I've lost too much already.”
He pulled me into him, holding me close, his body pressed tight to mine. Chase's beard scratched my face as I nuzzled into his neck, but it felt good. Reassuring. I closed my eyes and relaxed against his body, just reveling in the closeness I felt to this man. I forgot about everything, including the bag in my hands. Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, the bag slipped out of my grasp and I jumped back, stumbling and flailing around as I tried to catch it.
It was too late.
The bag hit the ground with a thud and the contents spilled all over the ground – right at Chase's feet. I looked up at him at the same time he looked down, and the look on his face made my heart sink into my stomach. It sent waves of fear and resignation rolling through me. The look on his face was one of pure panic. His eyes were wide and held a light in them that was almost angry. His jaw was clenched and his body was tight. He turned those eyes to me and when he spoke, his tone carried a hard edge, and a tremor of uncertainty to it.
“Abby, do you – are you – ”
“I don't know yet, but maybe?” I whispered, cutting him off. “I might be.”
I bent down to pick up the pregnancy tests off the ground, my heart thundering in my chest, my throat as dry as the Sahara, and waves of despair washing over me. I collected them all, put them back in the bag, and then looked at Chase, dread already filling my heart.
“Listen, Abby, we need to talk,” he said softly. “I'm not ready to be a father. Hell, I don't think I'd make a very good one, to be honest. I'd hate to subject a kid to somebody like me.”
The tears were back, stinging my eyes. Fat and warm, the tears rolled down my cheeks, and I just let them flow. Nothing I could to do stop them anyway. As I stood there before him, I trembled so hard, the pregnancy test kits were rattling inside the bag in my hand. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself, but it didn't work. I was still as freaked out, terrified, and despondent as I had been.
The kick in the ass is, I knew that was what he'd say if I turned out to be pregnant. I already knew Chase wasn't ready to be a father. I honestly didn't know if he ever would be ready. I knew that on an intellectual level. But, it still hurt me to hear those words coming out of his mouth. It hurt to know that I'd have to make a choice if the test turned out to be positive.
A choice between my child or the father of my child – the man who was protecting me from my ex. I took another long, deep breath and let it out slowly. Gradually, my nerves stopped jangling and my heart slowed its furious pace. I felt a sense of calm. Nothing was certain. Nothing was set in stone. There was no use in the both of us working ourselves up over what could turn out to be nothing.
“I know, Chase,” I said. “But let's just wait and see, okay? I may not be, so let's not jump to any conclusions.”
“God, Abby,” Chase said, scratching his beard. “I'm – we need to talk about this.”
“I know,” I mumbled. “Trust me, I know. But I didn't want you to find out like this. I wanted to know for sure and have something concrete to say before I got you all stressed out about something that hasn't been confirmed and may not even come to pass, for all we know.”
“Well,” he said and gave me a crooked little smirk. “Cat's out of the bag now.”
A rueful grin touched my lips. “That it is.”