Chapter Twenty-Seven
As soon as Charlie opened the door to him, Riley was flanked by dogs—Chewie on one side, Tripod at his ankles, and another dog he hadn’t had the chance to meet yet blocking his way into the house.
“Hello, Chewie.” Riley crouched down to play with Chewie’s ears, letting him lick his face as he picked Tripod up for a cuddle. “And hello handsome. What’s your name?”
“This is Rex,” Charlie explained. “He’s a Boxer cross, but he thinks he’s a lap dog.”
“And I bet neither you nor Scott have tried to tell him otherwise,” Riley said, looking up at his little brother. “Are you gonna invite me in, or…?”
“You’re always invited in,” Charlie said. “If you can get past the dogs.”
Riley snorted, standing and edging his way inside, all three dogs still vying for his attention.
He could see why Charlie liked it here. Riley had never seen his little brother as happy as he was with Scott.
“I just wanted to drop in and say goodbye before I go,” Riley said. “Is there coffee?”
“Uh, there can be coffee.” Charlie blinked at him, taking a step toward the kitchen. “Where are you going?”
Riley shrugged, following Charlie to the back of the house, where the kitchen was. “Dunno yet. Away. I promise I’ll be back for your wedding.”
“You always know where you’re going. I mean, you don’t always end up where you’re going, but you always know.” Charlie looked at him suspiciously. “And I thought you and Brent…”
Riley’s stomach sank.
It wasn’t impossible that he hadn’t been all that subtle on Sunday.
He’d thought then that he was staying. But with Rose back in the picture, it was a kindness to Brent for him to leave. She was a much better option.
“Rose came back,” Riley said.
“So?” Charlie raised an eyebrow. “Brent isn’t an idiot.”
“Tom played her,” Riley explained. “I don’t wanna tell other people’s stories for them, but just… Brent doesn’t blame her for what happened at all, now that he knows the truth. Which is fair. Even I don’t blame her.”
“I don’t understand,” Charlie said. “You’re leaving because… Brent’s forgiving his ex? Aren’t you all about forgiveness and getting along with each other and singing Kumbaya around the campfire?”
“I have literally never done that,” Riley defended, though he saw Charlie’s point. “Forgiveness is good. But… if he can get back together with Rose, he should.”
“Instead of you?” Charlie asked. “Because you love him, and anyone who doesn’t know that would have to be both blind and stupid.”
“Love isn’t always enough,” Riley said. Saying the words out loud made him feel tired, but he knew it was true.
Relationships took more than love. That was only half of what he needed.
“Yes it is.” Charlie frowned at him. “If you love someone enough, you can be everything they need you to be. And you love Brent enough.”
Riley chewed on his lip. “I can’t give him a family. He wants… he wants a wife and six kids. Those are his own words.”
He remembered Brent saying that while they’d been away.
Riley could hardly believe now that he’d thought there was a chance between them. Brent deserved the normal, quiet life that someone like Rose could give him. He didn’t need Riley’s crap.
Even if Riley was ready to settle down. Even if he would have done anything Brent asked, without hesitation.
“You’re so full of shit sometimes,” Charlie said, flicking on the coffee pot. “Watch the coffee and the dogs. I’ll be back in a second.”
Riley watched Charlie leave the kitchen, then heard his footsteps on the stairs.
Rex nudged his hand, encouraging Riley to pet him.
Like all the dogs Charlie and Scott took in, Rex seemed to be a good dog.
Riley had always thought that was more a reflection on Scott and Charlie than the dogs themselves. Dogs were a reflection of their humans, and no dog could ask for better humans than Scott and Charlie.
Riley poured two cups of coffee while Charlie was gone, then raided the cupboard for doggy treats to hand out. He knew they loved him anyway, but he liked to remind them that he was worth loving.
All Riley had ever wanted was to be loved.
Charlie returned with a glossy pamphlet in hand and shoved it at Riley, forcing him to take it.
Adoption & You, the title read.
“If you think for a single minute that I’m gonna buy your crap about children being why you’re not staying for Brent, then I’m insulted by how stupid you think I am.”
Riley turned the pamphlet over in his hand, shocked by how neatly Charlie had cut through the lies he was telling himself.
Charlie had grown up a lot more like him than he’d expected. A lot more like their mom.
She would have been proud of him for this.
“I’m scared, okay?” Riley admitted, his excuses crumbling in front of him. “If I want Brent, I have to stay. I haven’t been still for more than a few months in more than ten years. What if I can’t do it? What if I tell Brent how I feel and then next week I can’t stay anymore?”
“Does Brent make you feel like that? Like you couldn’t stay?” Charlie asked.
“No.” Riley looked down at his mug of coffee. “Where’s Scott?”
“Sleeping,” Charlie said. “Don’t change the subject. You’re not twelve.”
Riley wet his lips.
Sometimes, he felt twelve. This was one of those times.
“You’ve loved Brent all your life, haven’t you?” Charlie asked. “I mean… it’s not exactly a secret.”
“It’s meant to be,” Riley responded. “If he knew how I felt…”
“Then he’d know how you feel,” Charlie said. “And maybe he’d surprise you. Or maybe you already know that he loves you, too, and you’re just making excuses to save yourself from having to actually feel your feelings.”
Riley looked up at Charlie. His words felt like a physical slap.
He was right.
Riley was great at smiling and laughing in the face of anything, but he hated to feel things. Feelings were terrifying.
Love was the most terrifying of all. Loving someone gave them so much power to hurt you that just the thought of it made him anxious.
Brent would never have hurt him on purpose, but knowing he didn’t feel the same way would shatter Riley’s world. He’d always been in love with Brent. It was all he knew.
“Brent doesn’t love me the way I want him to love me, or he wouldn’t have let me go,” Riley said.
That was the part that stung. That was what he was running from right now. It wasn’t a rejection, but it sailed so close to it that Riley already wanted to go and hide somewhere far away.
He was a runner. He always ran when the going got tough.
Everyone was quick to tell him how brave he was for living on the road. Little did they know that he was the biggest coward of them all.
“Or,” Charlie began. “He thinks you wanted to leave, and he’s kind of a doormat. I like Brent, but assertive isn’t a word I’d associate with him. If you’re afraid to tell him how you feel, imagine what this must be like for him.”
Riley bristled at Charlie calling Brent a doormat. He didn’t have a lot of confidence in himself, but that was too far.
“He’s not a doormat,” Riley defended, unable to let the remark go. “If anything, he’s a saint. He puts up with everyone’s crap, mine included, and never complains. He doesn’t do that because he’s weak, he does it because he’s strong.”
He realized a moment too late that Charlie was baiting him. Charlie would never say that about anyone, not seriously.
Riley was falling for his own tricks, coming from his little brother.
He was torn between frustration and pride.
“I see your point,” Riley said, before Charlie could start again.
“A wise man once advised me to tell someone how I really felt about them, because I’d regret it if I didn’t. He might wanna take his own advice.”
Riley snorted at that. He never really felt wise. All his wisdom came from telling other people not to make the same mistakes he had.
Maybe that was how wisdom worked.
“Sometimes, I hate that you’re so smart,” Riley said.
“You love me,” Charlie responded. “I never wonder about that. And you have a lot to give. I just want you to be happy.”
Riley sighed, looking down at the pamphlet in his hands again.
It was a stupid excuse. The idea of raising a family with Brent made Riley’s heart swell, when he wasn’t busy panicking that he’d lost him forever.
“Hey, how come you have one of these on hand?” Riley asked, realizing that it was a weird thing to have lying around.
Charlie blushed bright red, looking down at his coffee. “I, uh… I… well… I want a baby, and I think adoption is a better choice than surrogacy?”
“Children aren’t dogs,” Riley pointed out.
“No, but they all need love just the same. I want to love a child.”
Riley narrowed his eyes. “And what does Scott want?”
Charlie wet his lips. “I, uh… might not have gotten around to asking him yet. I’m in the research phase. I figure we should get the wedding over and done with first?”
“And you’re lecturing me about excuses?” Riley raised an eyebrow.
“This is a do as I say, not as I do moment. Besides, I already did the hard part, and it paid off. I know Scott will take it well and we’ll be able to have a meaningful, adult conversation about it. I’m just…”
“Scared?” Riley offered.
“Well, yeah. Putting your hopes and dreams out there is scary. I’m not pretending it isn’t. But that doesn’t mean you can just chicken out.”
Riley knew that. Deep down, he knew that fear was only hurting him.
If Brent would reject his friendship over his feelings, then Brent wasn’t the man Riley thought he was.
He’d told Emily that. And Emily had gotten her heart bruised, but not broken.
He could handle a little bruising, couldn’t he? It was better than locking his heart away forever out of fear that it’d get hurt.
“Okay,” Riley said. “I’ll talk to Brent, but you have to promise me something.”
“Anything,” Charlie said, meeting Riley’s eyes.
“If I’m gonna be brave, you have to be brave. You need to tell Scott what you want.” Riley smiled at the thought. Scott would make a great dad.
“That’s not fair,” Charlie said. “This isn’t about me.”
“I want another little niece or nephew.” Riley shrugged. “Would you condemn your brother to a life of loneliness and regret?”
“My brother would be condemning himself,” Charlie pointed out. “But… okay. Tell you what. You talk to Brent. Really talk, I mean, tell him everything, tell him exactly how you feel. Don’t hold anything back. Then, I’ll talk to Scott.”
Riley smiled. This way, whatever happened, at least one of them would be happy.
He’d seen the way Scott was with Kayla. Scott wanted children, too. He was probably just as afraid to ask as Charlie was.
“Deal.” Riley offered his hand.
Charlie shook it firmly, giving Riley’s hand a final squeeze before he let go. “I’ll be in the library when you’re done, if you need to talk after. But I’m pretty sure you’ll be otherwise occupied.”
“I hope so,” Riley said. “Brent’s surprisingly fun in bed.”
“I… did not need to know that.” Charlie blushed, sipping his coffee. “Go. Get out of here before you lose your chance.”
“I’m going.” Riley knocked back the rest of his coffee with a few greedy swallows, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.
He paused as Rex nudged him again. “Also, I want to talk to Scott about adopting this dog,” he said, scratching Rex’s neck. “If he’s available.”
“He’s available. You can’t adopt a dog unless you go and talk to Brent. Go.”
Riley sighed, giving Rex one last pat on the head and then turning to head for the front door.
He was tired, and he hadn’t had a chance to shower last night, and he’d worn this shirt two days in a row, but… Brent would have to accept him as he was. Riley wasn’t likely to change all that much.
Brent was either in love with him or he wasn’t, and there was really only one way to find out.