I feel like crap.

I’ve felt like crap ever since I pulled away from Cairo’s hug this morning.

He hugged me.

No, he held me like he thought I’d died or something. Like me being hurt really worried him.

His arms around my body that way…

He held me.

And I’ve never experienced that before. I’m used to being patted on the shoulder or back, jostled after a good play…but never wrapped in someone’s embrace.

It felt so good.

And I pulled away.

Tugging my cap farther down to shade my stinging eyes, I hold up my glove and prepare to catch Zane’s fly ball. It’s an easy take and I hurl it straight back, practicing the drills coach has set us up with.

There’s a really dark vibe floating across the field this afternoon. Everyone is super pissed about what happened to Maddie.

I should have been there with her. I hate myself that she got hurt because I was selfishly pursuing my own secret dream.

Holden’s in a foul mood too. He’s the one that found her after the attack, and it’s really shaken him. He obviously cares about my sister more than I thought.

Chloe’s quiet.

She always goes into her shell when she’s stressed about something. I wonder if she feels as bad as I do. Since the whole Holden-Maddie kiss she’s been a little more reserved with her older sister, finding excuses not to hang out with her. Spending way more time with Rahn than she normally would.

I get it.

Knowing they like each other must really suck. Love triangles are always a nightmare. I’m so glad not to be a part of that drama.

Yet I am.

Because they’re my sisters, and even though they’re talking to each other again, the bridge between them has been damaged.

Bending to one knee, I scoop up the ground ball the way I was taught and fire one to Luke. He’s edgy today. He often feeds off Holden’s moods, though. He wants to support his friend and find the jerk that hurt my sister.

Dad will beat them to it. He’s the best cop I know. And this is a good thing, because we all need to step back and let the professionals handle it.

“All right, bring it in!” Coach hollers at us.

We all jog in and clump around him.

“I want to say good practice today, but you’re all kind of distracted. I understand why. What happened yesterday was horrible. But the police are working to find the person responsible, and we just have to keep moving forward. We have a game tomorrow, and I need you guys focused. When you step out on this field, you need to have your game faces on. You leave all the other stuff in the locker room and you play some ball. Got it?”

We all say, “Yes, coach,” but he makes us say it again until we can shout the words and actually sound like we mean them.

“Okay, go shower up. You’ve got a twenty-minute window. No messing around. This area of the school has to be locked up and secured by six. Let’s go, people.”

As we traipse down to the lockers, Chloe catches up to me and wraps her arm around my waist.

“You doing okay?”

“Yeah.” I nod. “You?”

“It’s been a weird day. I’m kind of looking forward to getting home.”

“Me too,” I murmur and give her a half-hearted smile.

We don’t bother showering. Grabbing our stuff, we walk to the car and drive home as fast as we can.

Mom’s cooking up a storm in the kitchen, her nervous agitation blending with the steam and the overpowering smell of mint.

I wrinkle my nose, too afraid to ask what she’s conjuring up on the stovetop.

Chloe stops to chat with her and I slip out of the room before I have to say anything. I don’t really feel like talking right now.

Padding down the hallway, I turn into my room and spot Maddie sleeping on the bed. Her blonde hair is splayed on the pillow behind her, her lips slightly parted as she rests. Although she’s not completely at rest. Lines of tension are wrinkling her forehead and her fingers keep curling and flinching. I stop by her bed, gazing down at the purple bruise taking over her cheek.

Maddie’s always so strong and sure of herself.

It’s unsettling to see her beat up and vulnerable.

Guilt swamps me again, reminding me that I’m a bad person for ever lying to her. I should have been there. She’s my twin, my best friend, and since getting to Armitage, all I’ve done is pull away from her.

Turning for my bed, I dump my school bag onto the soft mattress and unzip it, ready to take out my computer and attempt to get some homework done. I’m seriously so behind on everything.

As I pull it out, a sheet of paper flutters to the ground. I collect it and run my fingers over the song lyrics I started writing last night. Clenching my jaw, I ball the paper up and drop it on the floor. It hurts to do it, but I can’t be reminded of Cairo and music right now.

I have a role to play, a position in this family, and I can’t turn my back on it.

* * *

I barely slept last night. I was haunted by dreams of Cairo and guitars. My happy floating wishes, which no doubt made me smile in my sleep, were suddenly crumpled into balls that were thrown into a black abyss. In its place baseballs started coming at me—hard, fast, and impossible to dodge. They smacked into my face and body until I was covered in purple bruises that blended together, turning me into a mass of pain.

That’s when I woke up—panting in the early morning darkness.

Every time I closed my eyes, the baseballs would start flying again. It didn’t take me long to give up on the whole sleeping thing. So I just lay there, going over my life since arriving in Armitage.

Needless to say, as I stand in the girls’ locker room getting ready for this afternoon’s game, I feel like I’ve been run over by a freight train. I have no idea how I’m supposed to play ball.

But I have to.

Because that’s my role.

I’m the big hitter, the game winner, right?

That’s what I do.

“So shut up and do it, then,” I mutter to myself, tucking in my baseball shirt and securing the belt on my pants.

Maddie is suiting up as well, but I doubt she’ll play today. It’s been less than forty-eight hours since the attack and she still looks a mess. Her fingers are trembling as she tugs her shirt so the Pitbulls logo is sitting straight.

“You don’t have to do this, you know,” I tell her.

She glances at me and then back down to her cleats.

“Max is right. It’ll hurt too much to wear the catcher’s mask.”

Maddie looks to Chloe before turning back at me. “I’m suiting up and supporting my team. That’s all.”

I give her a worried frown.

“Look, if I feel like I can’t handle it, I’ll leave, okay? I promise.”

“All right.” I close my locker, glancing at Chloe before taking a seat to put on my long socks and cleats.

We don’t say anything else as we finish getting ready. It’s so weird. Usually you can’t shut us up, but everything has changed since coming here and I don’t know how to fix it.

All three of us seem to be pulling apart.

It’s not all my fault, I guess, but my sneaking off has added to the distance.

But how do I admit to all my lies now? Especially with everything else that’s been going on?

Besides, I won’t be doing the guitar stuff anymore. Life is back to normal, so there’s no point dredging up the past when it’s no longer a problem and will only hurt my sisters’ feelings.

“Come on, let’s go.” Maddie slaps me on the shoulder before heading out.

I trail after her and Chloe, adjusting my cap and murmuring to myself, “Head in the game, Maximus. Head in the game.”

My little pep talk works, because I play like I used to in Columbus.

We’re cleaning up this afternoon.

It helps that we’re playing a weaker team, of course, but Coach puts me in the starting lineup so I can bat and I manage to get to third base with ease. Zane brings me home and we’re out of the gate with two runs on the board after Kingston smashes a decent hit to right field that gets dropped.

Zane grins and gives me a high five as we run back to the dugout.

I punch out a laugh, hoping it’ll spur me on. It doesn’t make joy buzz through my chest the way playing the guitar does, but it feels kind of good to be doing the right thing. I want to win this game for Maddie and try to make up for not being there for her.

By the fifth inning we have a solid, unbeatable lead.

This game will be wrapped up in no time. Because of this, Coach is playing Chloe more than usual and she’s throwing them down the line with precision, tricking the batters into giving up easy pop flies and ground outs. We did a sweet play just minutes ago, speedily taking out two players between bases.

It was pretty triumphant.

The inning comes to an end and Coach sets us up to bat. I run out and score a quick homer. As I’m touching third base, I glance into the cheering Pitbulls’ dugout and notice that Maddie’s not there. She’s usually lined up along the fence, shouting with the rest of them.

I finish my run around, barely acknowledging Kingston’s high five as he brushes past me.

“Don’t leave me hanging, sister.” He laughs.

“Oh.” I slap his hand and force a grin, ignoring Coach’s praise as I step into the dugout. “Where’s Mads?” I look at Chloe.

“She said she had to go to the bathroom.”

“Did she look okay?”

“Yeah. I think so.”

I purse my lips, not liking it. “I’m just gonna go check on her. Tell Coach I’ll be back in a sec.”

Chloe bobs her head, standing to deliver my message as I sprint off to the locker rooms. Coach will be pissed that I’m leaving but we’re so far ahead, surely he’ll let this one slide.

My cleats are loud on the concrete as I hit the hallway and run down to the locker rooms.

“Mads?” I call, scanning the room as I enter it. “You in here?”

I frown when I don’t hear anything, then head to the toilet and shower stalls at the back.

“Maddie?”

I push each door open and find everything empty.

Weird.

Turning on my heel, I head back out, wondering if I should check the parking lot. Maybe she’s gone to lie down in the car or something.

Racing out of the locker rooms, I jerk to a stop when I spot her in the corridor.

“Maddie?”

She jolts and turns to face me. “Oh, hey.”

“Are you…?” I glance over my shoulder, confused. “Were you just in the bathroom?”

“Yep.” She nods.

I point over my shoulder. “How did I miss you? I was just in there.”

“Oh, I was…really busting, and the guys’ bathrooms are closer.”

“You went in the guys’?” I make a face.

“I know. It’s gross. But I was seriously about to pee my pants. Since everyone’s up there playing I figured it was safe enough.”

Looking down at her feet, she shoves her hands inside her sports jacket pockets and clenches her jaw.

She’s lying to me.

Wow. That’s gotta be a first.

It kind of hurts in this weird way.

“Is…is everything okay?”

“Yeah.” She bobs her head.

I want to call her out, but what right do I have? I’ve been keeping secrets from her for weeks.

“Um, you’re not, like, in trouble or anything, are you?”

She glances up with a snicker, shaking her head and still refusing to look at me. This feels kind of déjà-vu-ish. Didn’t she ask me the same thing the night I snuck home after lying to her at the homecoming dance?

Licking her bottom lip, she looks me in the eye and murmurs, “No. I’m not in trouble, but I’m also not ready to tell you what I’m hiding. You understand that feeling, right?”

I blanch at her slightly sharp tone and give her a weak smile.

“Yeah,” I croak. “I understand.”

“Thank you,” she whispers. She tips her head towards the exit. “Come on, we better get back out there.”

I nod, unable to speak past the lump in my throat.

It kind of sucks being on the other side of a lie.

But I deserve it.

It makes me realize that things really are changing in this family.

We’ve always said we were besties, and we always will be, but that doesn’t mean we’ll live in each other’s pockets forever. Soon Maddie and I will be at completely different colleges. She’ll have her life, and I’ll have mine.

The thought is a heavy rock in the pit of my stomach.

I’ve been avoiding this.

My life has always been so mapped out for me, it’s been easy to go with the flow.

But in less than four months, we’re going to graduate and I’ll be off on my own, trying to play a role I don’t even want.

I sense Maddie’s gaze on me and quickly look at her. We both put on brave smiles, but to be honest it’s kind of awkward. It’s like we both know this is the beginning of the end.

We’re not the girls we were in Columbus, and neither of us knows how to handle that.