Slamming my locker closed, I tried to ignore the comments and questions hurled at Welsh about Daisy. It’d been days since the game, and he saw her; it’s not like she even came out afterward. Yet they’re all acting like he’s bagged some virgin and it’s the best thing since they got their first cell phones and realized they could use them to watch porn.
It grated. Badly.
As much as I’d been trying otherwise, she was filling my every god damned thought. Ever since I laid eyes on her again, it was like I saw nothing but her. My neck was getting stiff from all its swiveling around, my eyes constantly on the lookout for something I couldn’t have anymore. Yet I’d tried to take it anyway.
I felt fucking wretched. As if I was being torn in two uneven, jagged halves.
Her lips, fuck. I messed up just kissing her like that. But what I couldn’t understand was why it didn’t feel like a mistake.
“If you break her hymen, dude. Get evidence.”
“Yeah, it didn’t happen unless we see some blood,” Burrows jeered, making me spin around. With my fists clenching, my eyes locked on Welsh’s, and he sent me an apologetic look. Yeah, he knew. He probably knew I’d already been there too but kept his mouth shut. Wasn’t sure if I was thankful or annoyed about that.
“Shut up about it, already,” Callum said, slipping on his sneakers. “You’re acting like a bunch of prepubescent idiots.”
Burrows snorted. “You’re the idiot if you pass that shit up. Or what, waiting for the bitch to come begging you for another chance?” He sneered. “Again?”
Callum tensed, slowly looking up from where he was tying his shoes on the bench seat.
Burrows raised his hands, and I glanced at Mike, who was wisely minding his own business on the other side of the locker room. He’d wanna be.
He and Renee, Callum’s ex, had somehow ended up in bed together after a wild party last year. Despite swearing he didn’t sleep with her, one of Renee’s friends—or not friend, I don’t know—had a photo of them both practically naked together in Mike’s bed.
Coach Lawrence walked in, tugging his ball cap over his balding head. “All right, ladies. Playtime’s over. Get up and get your asses out there.”
Callum’s head shook as if he were trying to clear it. I did feel bad for the guy but not right then. My blood boiled instantly every time I thought about him and Daisy kissing last weekend after the game. But I couldn’t say anything. Not a damn thing.
“You good?” I heard his voice behind me as I jogged out onto the field.
“Fine, why?” I didn’t look at him, afraid I might’ve punched him in the face.
“You know why. Look, it’s not—”
A hollow laugh flew out of me. “Don’t,” I gritted out. “I kind of want to kill you right now, and I feel like an asshole for even feeling this way, so just … give me some space.”
Without looking at him, I jogged over to the other side of the field to join the guys there for warm-up.
“Hey, stranger,” Alexis said, leaning against the front door.
Shutting the truck door, I walked over. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Haven’t seen you since the weekend. I missed you.”
Her arms came around my waist, and her head took up residence on my chest, right above my traitorous heart. Feeling like a world-class douchebag, I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight.
“I thought we could hang out. Maybe watch a movie?” she asked, following me upstairs once we were inside.
I didn’t know if I could spend that much time with her. I’d fucking cheated on her. And the worst part was that, slightly drunk or not, I was scared if given the chance, I’d do it again. “I’ve got a lot of studying to do, rain check?” I needed to get my head straight and figure out what the hell I was doing.
She didn’t answer me, and I looked over from where I was rummaging through the stuff on my desk, searching for the notes I’d taken last week. Her blue eyes were narrowed, and her arms were crossed as she leaned against the doorframe. “What?”
She shook her head. “Nothing, I’ll just leave you to it then.”
“Lex.” I moved over to her. “Don’t do that. Spit it out.”
“It’s just, a rain check?” she asked. “Really?”
My brows lowered. “You always say it to me when you need to study. What’s the big deal?”
Sucking her lip into her mouth, her eyes moved to the ceiling before dropping and nailing me on the spot with their ire. “What’s the big deal? The big deal is that we’ve hardly seen each other in weeks. In fact, the last time we even had sex was weeks ago when you took me like an animal.”
Cringing at the reminder, I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”
Her raised hand shut me up. “It’s not that. I told you I liked it, loved it even, and nothing since.” She sighed, running a hand through her hair. “It’s Daisy, isn’t it?”
“What?” My mouth dried.
“You came to my dorm, all messed up over some crap I might or might not have done years ago. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t have done that.”
She had me by the balls, and she knew it.
Sitting down on my bed, I ran my hands up and down my face, trying to think. I didn’t know what to do. I felt stuck, as though I’d backed myself into a corner with no exit in sight.
What the hell was I supposed to do? Tell her, just tell her now.
Sitting down next to me, she reached out, taking one of my hands in hers. “I love you, Quinn. And I know, I’m not stupid. I know what you and Daisy had. But that was then, and this is now.”
“What do you mean by that?” I looked at her, and she gave me a hesitant, sad smile.
“I understand you’re going to have residual feelings. She was your first in a lot of ways, and you guys meant a lot to each other. But I need to know, is it the shock of seeing her? What’s happening to us?”
She was my first in every way, in a way that messed up something fundamental inside me when I realized we weren’t going to be each other’s last. But residual feelings? Maybe that was what this was. Maybe I’d been overthinking it. I could only hope because it was getting to be too much. And that hope meant that over time, they might fade away.
“Yeah,” I said, stumbling over my thoughts. “I think it is. It’s just … weird. And I feel like a dick. Us being together.”
“Because she came here with ideas in her head that she’d be with you?”
I didn’t like the harsh tone of her voice when she said that. But it was true. “Who knows what she came here hoping for exactly. But it was clearly a shock, and none of us knew what really happened after she left.”
“That’s not your burden to bear, Quinn. Anyway, she seems like she’s moving on now. Callum might be good for her. He’s nice enough if he can get over Renee.”
I wanted to smash something.
That was what I was worried about. If anyone could make a man get over someone, or be willing to try, it was Daisy. She was so different now. No longer just a teenage girl but a young woman. Yet she was still the same. Beautiful, golden, and intensely addictive to be around.
“Maybe,” I said, thinking, maybe never.
No one seemed good enough for Daisy. Especially not me.
Leaning in, Alexis pressed her lips against my cheek, her hand leaving mine to tilt my head to hers. Her lips met mine, and I shut my eyes, trying to rid my thoughts of golden hair by letting her take control of the kiss. It started slow, sweet, but when her hands began to roam and a whimper slipped out of her mouth and into mine, a chilling sensation worked its way down my spine.
I pulled away. “I’m sorry, I really meant what I said. I’ve gotta finish a paper.”
Blowing out a resigned breath, Alexis sat back, her fingers combing through her hair as she stood. From the doorway, she asked, “We’re okay, though?”
Not wanting to outright lie, I sent a smile her way and nodded.
Toby paused in the doorway to my room a few hours later. “Oh, shit. You are home.”
Tossing my pen down, I turned my chair around to face him and stretched my arms up and over my head. “Apparently.”
His head bobbed up and down. A little too fast for my liking. Cracking my neck, I studied him. He was wearing jeans and a band t-shirt, and I could smell his aftershave. “Got a date?”
“Kind of.” He walked off, saying, “Pippa’s coming around. She and Daisy should be here any minute.”
What the fuck?
Getting up from my chair so fast that it almost fell backward, I marched out of my room to the top of the staircase. “Daisy? Why?”
He looked up at me from the bottom. “I offered to make Pippa agree to come over. She’s harder to crack than a block of concrete. And Daisy’s cool, so I’ll deal.”
I heard the TV turn on a minute later and cursed underneath my breath. Great.
Walking back to my room, I sat back down in my chair, scooting it toward the desk. But my concentration was shot. My brain taking off elsewhere.
Voices sounded downstairs, and I looked down at my attire.
Pajama pants and a white t-shirt I’d pulled on after my shower. Studying was bad enough. I liked to at least be comfortable.
I could stay up here, I thought to myself. Just ignore that she was here.
Yeah right, you fucking wish.
Groaning quietly, I got up to get changed, then thought better of it. I didn’t care. I wasn’t supposed to care. I had a girlfriend.
I repeated that last nugget of important information to myself as I made my way downstairs and into the living room, thinking I’d just say a quick hello so I didn’t seem rude.
“Hey, asshole,” Pippa said, chucking some popcorn into her mouth from where she was seated next to Toby on the couch. I was more surprised he didn’t care she was eating popcorn on the couch than the fact she’d just called me an asshole.
“Yeah, hey.”
“Pippa.” Daisy laughed.
“What? Dude is going out with your ex-best friend. Asshole.”
“I’ll take it,” I said, flopping down on the couch beside Daisy. “Hi.”
Her smile was shaky, but it was there at least. “I’m a third wheel,” she whispered. “Hope you don’t mind.”
“Not at all,” I said distractedly, noticing how the faint freckles on her nose had faded even more since we’d been apart. I was tempted to drag her back home to the fields beneath the sun to make them reappear.
The movie started with a round of gunshots, and I reluctantly gave my attention to it.
A while later, I heard Daisy curse softly and looked over to see her digging her pencil out of the crack between the couch cushions. Drawing. She had her sketchpad on her lap and a familiar poised concentration in her posture. Though to anyone else, she’d look completely relaxed.
My heart seized a little as I watched her hand, flying and twisting over the paper at different angles, charcoal rubbing off onto the side of her hand. I remembered when we were kids, before she became a little more diligent with washing her hands, she’d sometimes wipe them on her face and not realize she’d smudged charcoal or paint onto it.
“What’re you drawing?” I couldn’t make out what it was, her hand was moving over it this way and that, too fast for me to see.
“Toby and Pippa,” she said without stopping.
And there they were. I looked from the almost exact replica of them taking shape beside me over to the couple seated on the other side of the couch. Toby’s arm was around Pippa’s shoulders, his fingers playing with the tips of her hair. Her head was resting on his shoulder.
At that moment, with how comfortable they seemed, they looked like they’d been together for years, rather than just getting to know each other.
When the movie entered a quiet scene, I could hear my phone ringing from upstairs and went to see who it was. It was my mom. Setting a reminder to call her in the morning, I put my phone down and went back downstairs. I found Pippa and Toby making out, and no sign of Daisy.
I’d walked through the kitchen to get to the living room, so I knew she wasn’t there. Glancing at the front door, I noticed it was open a crack.
Walking outside and quietly closing it behind me, I saw her seated against the cement rendered exterior of the house right next to the window. Her sketchpad was beside her, and she’d pulled out a pen from somewhere and was doodling on her thigh instead.
Her shorts had ridden up, and one look at those long legs and creamy white thighs had me swallowing what felt like a boulder.
She paused, looking up as I took a seat beside her. Her brown eyes were wide behind the lenses of her black framed glasses as if she hadn’t expected me to follow her out here.
That made two of us.
“Didn’t your mama get mad at you enough times to make you stop drawing on your skin?”
The tense silence broken, she smiled down at her leg where she’d drawn a few daisies clustered together. “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”
That made me laugh. “You’re becoming bolder with old age.”
She smirked, looking over at me, and I didn’t realize how close we were until I watched her breath catch. “Eighteen is hardly old. But as you said, things change.”
Things change. I tried not to openly wince at having her repeat the same words I’d said to her. Nodding slowly, I said the first thing that popped into my head. “No braces.”
“I told you when I got rid of those torture devices.” With her cheeks flushing, she moved her gaze toward the street, peering through the gap in the small hedge that lined the porch.
“Yeah, but I never got to see.” I couldn’t stop looking. At her hair, her hands, those damn legs. I was greedy for everything. Everything I couldn’t have and shouldn’t want. Like this might be one of the only chances I had to really notice all the changes in her up close, to let my eyes eat their fill. “What happened to your purple glasses?”
“They broke after we moved. I had them repaired, but I don’t know … They never felt the same.” She laughed dryly. “Man, that sounds dumb.”
“I get it,” I said.
She looked back at me, a soft smile edging her pink lips, and fuck if I didn’t want to kiss her again. Reaching out without warning, she took my hand, laid it flat on her warm thigh, and started drawing something on my palm.
My throat tightened, my arms prickled with goose bumps, and my dick jerked to life at the soft strokes of the pen tip on my skin. “About the party,” I croaked, trying not to breathe in that familiar scent of caramel that drove me crazy.
Her dark brown lashes fluttered, and her hand paused. “Are you about to apologize?”
“For what?” I knew what she meant, but I wanted to hear her acknowledge it all the same.
“I know you were drunk, but you shouldn’t, we shouldn’t …”
Okay, so I was a little drunk, but not enough not to know what I was doing. “I know, but I can’t.”
“Can’t what?” Her thumb brushed the side of mine.
I could hardly think about anything other than how soft, how perfect her hand felt against my own. “I can’t apologize when I’m not actually sorry.”
She shook her head, going back to her doodling, but I’d felt more than heard her small intake of breath. “That’s not fair, Quinn. For anyone.”
“Yeah, that’s what I am sorry for. I’m sorry if I upset you or made you uncomfortable,” I admitted.
“You played a good game last weekend,” she said, changing the subject. I didn’t want to, but I let her, knowing it was probably for the best.
She bit her lip and twisted my hand sideways for a better angle. I didn’t even look at what she was drawing, still too caught up in looking at her. “You watched?” I asked.
“A little,” she said, a smile in her gentle voice.
She’d never liked football all that much. Well, I wouldn’t say she didn’t like it, but she just wasn’t all that interested in it. It was kind of refreshing. I loved the game, and I’d played it as far back as I could remember. Tossing a football in the fields with my dad were some of my first memories. But my world didn’t revolve around it, not like most other players on the team.
No, only a portion of my heart belonged to football. The rest belonged elsewhere. And I liked knowing I could enjoy this beloved game of mine for as long as I wanted. Then, when it was all over, home was where I would stay. Not out of obligation to my dad, but because that was where my soul remained. Under the soil of my family’s farm.
“Daisy?” Pippa called out just as Daisy finished drawing. She blew on the ink, and I couldn’t help the shiver that coursed through me like a flicker of lightning.
Her tiny hand folded over my fingers, closing my hand into a fist. “Don’t open it until I’m gone.” Her brown eyes stayed locked on mine a second, her voice filled with nerves. “Promise?”
It was all I could do to answer and not pull her into my lap. “Promise,” I rasped.
Pippa came outside, and Toby said something about walking them back to their dorm.
I think I nodded, but the ink on my palm felt hot. As if it was burning me.
I opened my hand, finding a mini constellation etched onto my skin.
With my heart sticking to the roof of my mouth, I looked up just in time to see Daisy walk out of sight. Alexis’s earlier words echoed in my head.
Meant a lot to each other.
We more than meant a lot to each other.
We were the breeze that ruffled the dandelions. The sun that scorched our skin red until we searched for reprieve under our favorite willow tree.
And underneath the stretch of dark skies, we were each other’s stars.
I was beginning to think I was an idiot for hoping those things would fade.