“Yo, Burnell,” Ed Grellerson hollered behind me on the way out of my last class for the day.
Spinning around, I flexed my fists at my sides. I had shit to do and didn’t need to be held up any longer than I already had been.
His teeth flashed as he slapped me on the arm with a large notebook. “Heard you’ve been a busy man, my friend.”
Brows crinkling, it took a second for that comment to register. My gut churned. “What?”
He continued walking outside, and I followed as he said, “The blondie? Glasses? The one Callum’s been trying to hook up with.”
“What about her?” Yeah, I was still trying to play dumb even with my heart rate accelerating faster by the second.
His guffaw had heads turning to look at us. “Don’t even, dude.” Voice lowering, he asked, “So how was it? Huh? You big player, you. Who knew you had it in you.”
“I’m done talking about this.” Shouldering past him, I jogged down the steps and kept walking.
“Come on, man! Give me something!”
I flipped him off over my head, his loud laughter following me.
Marching through campus, I tried not to keep my head down, but it felt like everyone was staring at me. If Ed knew, who else? Alexis.
Shit.
I didn’t want it to be like this. Hell, I never set out for anything to pan out as it had. But when it came to Daisy … let’s just say I should’ve known.
I’d always lost sight of anything and everything when I was around her.
I was willing to take the blame. For all of it. That was kind of hard to do, though, when Alexis had been avoiding me.
Like an asshole, I’d left Daisy alone in bed as the rain started to sprinkle onto the sidewalk. I didn’t know what the fuck to do. All I knew was when I woke up, her golden soft hair sprinkling over my chest, and her tiny hands reaching for me, I had to get out of there and figure out what the hell I was doing. I knew what I needed to do, which was to fix all of this. Leaving her was the worst test of self-control when what I longed to do was stay wrapped in the warmth our bodies had created for the rest of the day.
I’d gone home with a plan. Find Alexis, tell her everything, and, as much as it’d suck, end it.
Yet she’d remained elusively out of reach. She wouldn’t answer my calls or texts and wouldn’t even see me when I went to her dorm, begging some poor chicks to let her know I was downstairs.
She knew. She had to. The question was, how?
Daisy wasn’t the type to tell everyone about what’d gone down between us.
The questions had my head spinning, and I stopped, taking a seat on the bench seat outside the commerce building. Running my hand through my hair, I sucked in a long breath, letting it out as I glanced up.
A pair of crystal blue eyes met mine, and I shuddered at the vehemence in them. The hurt and the anger I could feel even with the distance separating us.
She said something to one of her friends, then darted down the steps.
I was up, practically jogging over the damp grass to catch her. “Lex, wait.”
She spun around, hissing, “Why? We both know what you’re going to say.”
She kept walking, and I kept following. Nearing her dorm, I grabbed her hand. “Please, just listen to me.”
Tugging her hand back, she deadpanned, “You fucked her.”
I flinched, couldn’t help it. What Daisy and I did was not fucking. Not to me. I wasn’t about to make matters worse by saying something like that, though. “How do you know?”
My eyes searched hers, noticing how they’d filled to the brim with tears, yet they wouldn’t overflow. She was refusing to let them fall. “Besides the fact that people have eyes and saw you leaving her dorm Sunday morning? It’s written all over your face.”
“Lex.”
“No,” she cried, running a hand through her hair. “I should’ve known this would happen. We haven’t been together in God knows how long, and you’ve all but shut me out ever since you laid eyes on her again.”
I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t and wouldn’t lie to her. So I said the only thing I could. The only thing that mattered, even if it felt redundant. “I’m sorry.”
She scoffed, a tear slipping out of her eye before she quickly scooped it up with a long nail. “You led me to believe you loved me, then you cheated on me, and you’re sorry?”
“I do love you,” I pleaded. Because even after everything, I did. She’d been a part of my life since we were kids. She knew me, and I knew her. We had a bond. Not the kind that Daisy and I shared, but it was there, and it was why I’d felt like I might be okay to move on with her in the first place.
“Yeah, just not as much as Daisy, right?” I didn’t answer that. After a minute, she sniffed and I could feel my face crumple. “Were you even in love with me? Ever?”
I wanted to take her in my arms, hug her, and try to take some of her pain away. But my head said no. I’d already made too many mistakes. And something as simple as a hug right now would only cause more drama if the curious faces of the women passing us were any indication.
“You’re one of my best friends. What we had—”
“Wasn’t good enough in the end, was it?” she spat. “God, sweet Quinn Burnell. The golden good boy. You’re finally learning how not to be so perfect, aren’t you?” My brows lowered, and I took a step back. She let out a wet laugh. “It’d be awesome. If it weren’t me you decided to hurt on your journey to asshole city.”
“You’ve gotta believe me, I had no intentions of ever doing that to you. I wouldn’t have …” I trailed off, frowning at the leaves on the sidewalk. That wasn’t right. I knew what I was doing, and I still did it. “You’re right. I’m a huge asshole.”
“Ugh, don’t. The sad thing is, I believe you. I believe you’d never want to hurt me like that. But you have, Quinn. You have, okay?”
“Okay,” I said, glancing up at her.
Our eyes stayed locked for a minute. And all the smiles she’d pulled from me over the months since Daisy left, all the laughter I thought I’d never feel rumble through me again, it all came back. The lonely nights and overwhelming days, all made more bearable with her by my side.
“I love you, Quinn.” Her slim throat bobbed. “And I … I’m …” She shook her head, shutting her mouth.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have a nice life with Miss Perfect.”
She turned around, heading up the stairs and disappearing inside.
I’d just pulled into the driveway when my phone rang from my gym bag. Knowing my mom’s ringtone, I thought about calling her back later.
The hurt, the accusation and anger in Alexis’s eyes, it felt like a noose slowly strangling me.
I felt wretched, like the worst son of a bitch alive for what I’d done to her. But I just didn’t know what else I could do. I didn’t want to be with her anymore. Which didn’t mean I wanted to hurt her, but either way, it had to happen.
So short of standing there and apologizing a thousand times, I had no fucking clue what else I could say to take some of her hurt away. If there even was anything. She was my friend, but I knew nothing would be the same now.
It was either Daisy and me.
Or Alexis and me.
It wasn’t even a thought which one I’d pick—had already picked.
I just wish I could go back to my seventeen-year-old self and punch him in the face. Tell him to wake up, and to stop thinking with his broken heart and constantly stiff dick.
Regret. What a motherfucker.
Did I regret being with Alexis? I did, and I didn’t. I cared too much for her to wish away everything that’d happened between us. But if we’d never happened, if we’d just stayed friends, well, then things might be very different now. No one would be suffering from the fallout of decisions I’d made when I wasn’t in any state to be making them at all.
I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t repair all the damage I’d done, but I could repair some.
I grabbed my gym bag and pulled out my phone, hitting redial on my mom’s missed call. “Hey, boy,” my dad’s voice greeted me instead.
It made me smile as I opened the door. “Hey, Dad.”
“How ya been?” There was a hint of curiosity and knowing in his question. Mom and I had always been close, but my dad was the one who could read between the lines, read me, almost as well as Daisy could.
“That’s kind of a loaded question. I haven’t even walked through the door,” I joked, pushing the key into the lock and walking inside.
“Well, I was making a delivery to the pub in town after lunch, and Darlene Brooks happened to be working.”
“When isn’t she working?” I muttered, kicking off my shoes and closing the door. Heading upstairs, I dumped my bag in my room.
“True. Anyway, she had quite the story to tell me. Apparently, Alexis made a call home yesterday that had Darlene almost throwing a tray of beer at me.”
I’d worry, if it weren’t for the humor in his tone. “Yeah, about that.” I let out a sigh and flopped down onto my bed. “Bit of a long-winded story.”
Silence, then, “I’ll put the teakettle on.”
Turning the shower off, I stepped out and dried myself, rubbing the rough fabric over my face.
It’d been hours since I got home from finally seeing Alexis and talking to my dad. He’d calmly listened to all the shit I’d caused and not chewed me out.
No, all he’d said before hanging up was, “Well, you’ve made your bed. It may look untidy as hell right now, but it’s up to you how and which way you want to fix it.”
He’d always had this uncanny way of making me feel like a man. Always making sure I realized I was responsible for my own actions. Even back when I was only as tall as his belly button.
I’d fucked up. Royally. Like I’d never fucked up anything before in my life. Yet he still made me feel as though there wasn’t anything that couldn’t be fixed, so long as I was willing to own up to my mistakes.
Even though I’d been desperate to, I knew I couldn’t see Daisy again until I’d broken things off with Alexis, but now that I had …
God, I was a pussy. Did I really think she’d be okay waiting for me? I didn’t know. All I knew was that I needed to do it right this time. And it wasn’t like we had each other’s numbers anymore. I couldn’t even text her to reassure her.
I felt like a dimwitted idiot for not realizing that. A huge fucking asshole that just kept making shit worse. All I could hope was that she’d understand, and that I could remember I owned a set of balls and muster up the damn courage to go see her.
I wrapped the towel around my waist and walked into my room, tugging out sweats and getting my gear ready for practice in the morning.
After getting dressed, I microwaved some lasagna and sat alone at the dining table downstairs. Toby must’ve been with Pippa somewhere. I didn’t know, but the place felt as quiet as a tomb.
The silence started eating at me more than I was eating my damn food, until eventually, I gave in. Pushing my chair back, I dumped my food in the trash and washed my utensils. New girlfriend or not, Toby would still have a shit fit if I didn’t clean up after myself.
Grabbing my keys off the counter, I paused halfway to the door, cursing under my breath when I realized I wasn’t wearing a shirt.
My head had been so scrambled, I was surprised I even knew what day it was.
Tuesday, I reminded myself. It’s Tuesday, and you’re late.
I was tugging a Henley on, running back downstairs when my phone rang from the dining table.
Snatching it up, I saw Toby’s number and tucked it into my pocket as I stuffed my feet into my Chucks. I’d see him later or tomorrow. I had to do this before she worried even more, and this fear that grew hour by hour smothered me until I couldn’t do anything at all.
She loved me, right? Christ. I’d just upended it all for both of us. All three of us. I broke my friend’s heart, and I didn’t even know if Daisy still loved me as she once did.
My mind flicked back through the memories of Saturday night. A sequence of short filmed movies that rolled through my head and made my dick jerk to life instantly as I locked up and jogged toward campus. I should’ve driven; it was cold, and I wanted to get there as quick as possible before I chickened out, but I decided to spend a little time reminiscing, reliving and clinging to the feeling of her soft hands ghosting over my skin.
Her thighs, the way they quivered every time I moved inside her, wrapped tight around my waist. And the sounds, the tiny whimpers and breathy moans. I groaned. Fuck me.
I let it all roll over me, shivering and feeling my blood simmer. But not once did I remember her saying she loved me. Come to think of it, I didn’t think I did either. Which seemed crazy. It felt like it was obvious for the world to see.
Resisting the urge to slap my forehead, I slowed to a steady walk as I approached campus. My phone rang again, and I pulled it out, seeing Toby’s name on the screen. He wouldn’t call twice unless it was important and he needed something.
I stopped walking, hitting answer. “What’s up?”
“What’s up? Do you legit live under a rock?”
My breath plumed in front of me. “Last time I checked, no.” Laughing, I said, “I live with you, so that’d mean you do too.”
“Don’t make jokes. You aren’t funny. So you haven’t heard?”
“About everyone knowing what went down with Daisy?” I asked. “I’ve heard.”
He said something to someone in the background—Pippa, I’m guessing. “What a crazy bitch. Yeah, I mean. You guys pulled a dick move doing that to her, but shit, she had to have known you guys wouldn’t last with Daisy here, right?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Alexis.”
“Yeah, I finally saw her earlier. I, uh, told her about it.”
“You saw her?” He cursed. “You don’t even know. Jesus Christ.”
Looking over at the lights on the campus grounds, the buildings that leaned into the dark sky, I asked, “Know what?” A long silence met my ears, and I growled, “Know what, Toby?”
Clearing his throat a bit, he almost knocked my feet out from under me with his next words. “Alexis. She got into Daisy’s dorm yesterday. Trashed it. Wrecked all her artwork and shit…”
He went on, and each word he said felt like a blow to the gut.
The look on Alexis’s face this afternoon. Her unsaid words.
My stomach hollowed, then lurched threateningly. This had happened because of me.
Because I took my sweet ass time getting my shit together.
But mainly because I tried to live without my heart.
“You there?” Toby asked.
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“Look, man. Go home, I’ll be there soon. We’ll hit the punching bag in the garage. Don’t be—”
“No.” Emotion choked my voice. I coughed. “I need to see her.”
“Who? Alexis?” He sighed. “There’s not much point, Quinn. What can you even do?”
“Not Alexis.” Just saying her name had venom filling my taste buds. “Daisy.”
He was quiet for a beat. “You sure?”
“Yeah, I’ve left it too long as it is.”
He chuckled. “It’s been like … what? Two days?”
Pippa shushed him in the background. “All right, yeah. Apparently, that’s a fair amount of time. Go forth and prosper.”
I was already walking again. “Star Trek? Really?”
“Don’t hate. The fact that you know what I meant means you can’t say shit.”
With that, he hung up, and I marched across the damp grass toward the dorms, hoping like hell she was still as forgiving as I remembered her to be.