My Dearest Layla

I don’t have many regrets. But I regret not telling you that I had cancer. Please don’t be mad at your mother either. I forbade her from telling you. I wanted to tell you myself. But the more time passed, the harder it got. But that’s no excuse. I should’ve been honest with you. But I will say this… Your mother knew, and she shifted from my child to my nurse. She didn’t ask me how I was doing to hear my stories anymore. She asked me how I was doing with managing my pain and taking my pills. She worried about me, not because I was still missing your grandfather, but because I was sick. But with you, my lovely Layla, we would sit back and talk about any and everything. With you, my love, I could forget.

This does not absolve me from keeping you in the dark. But I hope that it can show you that I didn’t do it to hurt you. I did it to free you. I did it to free us. If I could do it over again, I wouldn’t have told your mother. So please, don’t hold it against your mother. And please, don’t hold it against me.

Even though I’m sure you’re angry, please don’t hold it against me. Please don’t forget that I was there for you as much as you were there for me. Who talked to you about sex and birth control when you were too embarrassed to talk to your parents? When you got caught with condoms, who said they were hers so you didn’t get into trouble? Who didn’t tell your parents when you stole her condoms?

And if you’re really angry, please don’t forget who covered for you when I caught you and Jenelle on her birthday, drinking with two boys in my house when you thought me and your grandfather were going to the casino? She may have been twenty-one, but you weren’t.

And if you’re really, really angry, please don’t forget that Nana loves you, and that you are my best friend—right after your grandfather. And right after Rose. But none of the old biddies I had book club or church functions with held a candle to you.

You kept me young. You kept me honest. You kept me company. You were my light, and the moment your mother had you, I knew that you were going to be the golden goose. Not just because you’re my only granddaughter. And not just because you look more like me than any of my children do. You, Layla, are something special.

When your grandfather passed away, I didn’t know what I was going to do. But I will never forget the day it happened or the fact that I woke up and he had stopped breathing sometime after some early morning canoodling. We had gotten up to have coffee, watch the news, talk on the porch, and then we returned to bed at eight. After a tumble in the hay, we fell asleep and when I woke up, my watch had stopped at 9:27 a.m. When I looked at the clock in the room, it was about 9:50 a.m. I tried to wake him and called emergency services a few minutes later. They were here at 9:58 a.m. He was pronounced dead soon thereafter. They said he’d been without oxygen for at least thirty minutes.

There is no one who can tell me that he didn’t die at 9:27 a.m.

For the last three years, I’ve missed him, but I didn’t dwell on it. I knew we would be reunited again. So, I focused on the fact that there is so much life to be lived and I need to take advantage of it. A broken clock is only right twice a day. Any other time, you’re just guessing and trying to figure it out. So, seize the day and the opportunities. You don’t get an unlimited amount of times to get something right or to capitalize on it in the way God intended. God knows that we’re flawed humans, so he gives us a second chance to get it right.

You get two times for the timing to be perfect, and everything lines up just right. If you miss the opportunity the first time, make sure you jump on it the second time. Don’t settle. Be patient, and wait for it to come around again. If you do that you’ll have few regrets and plenty of stories. You’ll have a love life for the ages. And if you’re lucky, maybe it’ll be with one man. And if you’re luckier, maybe it’ll be with three. You’ll have a job that won’t feel like work. You’ll have at least one friend you can count on. You will see humor in things and not take yourself so seriously, while at the same time knowing your worth.

I want you to have that kind of life, Layla. You’re still going to die at the end of it, but you will have lived. And when you die, you won’t be afraid because you’ll know that you lived, you loved, and you laughed. So, to my dearest Layla, I leave you my watch that I got from the love of my life to remind you that a broken clock being right twice a day means that in any given situation, perfect timing only happens twice.

I love you. I’ll be waiting for you when it’s your time. We’ll have new stories to tell each other. Because the first thing I’m doing when I get to heaven is kissing my husband. The second is to find Rose because you know she died owing me twenty dollars.

Never forget that Nana loves you.

Love Always,

Nana

I exhaled slowly as I watched William Grayson walk away from me and out of my life forever. There was no way he wasn’t going to get that promotion. He had just finished his second interview and from the sound of it he would be the head of the Philadelphia division in three weeks. Not only was he great at his job, I knew from personal experience he was extremely good at taking charge.

My tongue slowly slid between my full lips as my eyes skated over his six-foot, three-inch frame. The way his black suit stretched across his professional football player build left the promise of an even better view underneath the tailored fabrics. I stared at his close-cut Caesar haircut and let my gaze slip down to his black leather shoes. Even without seeing his smooth, unblemished skin, his straight, white teeth, and his dark brown eyes, anyone would be able to tell he was fine. Sexiness radiated off him from every angle.

I don’t think I blinked until he was completely out of the restaurant and the door was starting to close behind him.

“What was that?” Jenelle McFarland practically yelled from across the table.

My head snapped back toward my best friend in shock. My eyes darted from her to the door Will left out of and then back to her. “What? Nothing! Why are you so loud?!”

Glaring at me, a little amused smile played on her lips. “Don’t play coy with me. What’s going on with you and Will?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lied, glancing at my watch. “Look at the time! It’s 9:27 already!”

“That watch always says that and has needed a new battery for six years so cut the shit.” She pointed at me. “You and Will just undressed each other with your eyes.”

I let out a loud laugh. “No, we didn’t.”

She dropped her fork, and it clanked loudly against her plate. “Layla, it couldn’t have been any more obvious that you two want each other.”

“That’s not true,” I argued, my face getting warm. “We broke things off over two years ago. We are just friends now. You know this already. We are just friends.”

She shook her head. “Listen to me… I had to avert my eyes at one point because I thought I saw him pull his dick out and put it on your plate.”

“Shut up!” I laughed so hard my body shook. “That did not happen.”

“Okay, okay.” Jenelle’s giggles mixed with my own. “But those weren’t ‘I used to want you two years ago’ looks. Those were ‘I want you right here and right now’ looks. I mean the eye-fucking was so intense, I was about to toss my cookies.” She crossed her arms. “And that’s not a euphemism… I ate an embarrassing number of cookies this afternoon, so I would have literally vomited cookies all over this table.”

My shoulders shook uncontrollably, but I covered my mouth in an effort to muffle my laughter. After two straight minutes of giggles, we both calmed down.

“I needed that laugh,” I sighed, still grinning. “It’s been a stressful week.”

She lifted her almost empty wine glass and gave me a nod. “You’ve had a lot going on. But it doesn’t help that you are repressing your feelings and emotions.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not repressing anything. Moving is stressful. Starting a new job is stressful. Being far away from my best friend is stressful.”

“Yes. Yes. And hell yes! The actual moving part of moving sucks. The uncertainty of starting a new job sucks. And even though we won’t be able to yell for each other from the other room anymore, we’re only going to be fifteen minutes apart.”

“I know. But living with you for the last year has spoiled me. What am I supposed to do without you borrowing my clothes without asking?” I joked.

“And what am I going to do without you singing loudly and off-key every morning before work?” she returned.

Reaching across the table, we squeezed each other’s hand and exchanged bittersweet grins. After a breakup with a man I had no business dating, let alone living with, I moved into Jenelle’s townhouse and remained for nine months. We’d always been close, but the last year had strengthened our bond.

Sitting back in our seats, she sighed. “Well, at least this can be our Friday night happy hour spot. Hello, Lavo!”

My eyes danced around the trendy new restaurant. Lavo was centrally located between my new apartment and the townhouse Jenelle owned. Bringing my glass to my lips, I nodded. “I like the way you think because these happy hour specials are on point.”

“The entire menu is on point. And when it’s warm, they have a rooftop space that overlooks downtown. Next time I’m going to come here hungry, so I can eat what I want.”

I pointed at her. “Or next time don’t eat all those damn cookies before we go out to eat.”

She laughed. “Ah yes, that is what happened. I guess I’m repressing the memory of my gluttonous cookie intake just like you’re repressing your feelings for Will.”

“That again?” Shaking my head, I took a bite of my salad and chewed. I could feel Jenelle’s eyes on me and when I glanced at her, she sipped her wine knowingly. I swallowed the leafy greens. “Fine! Do I still have nothing but love for him? Of course. Do I think he’s a great man? Yes. Do I still think he’s sexy as hell? Absolutely. Would I still”—I leaned forward and lowered my voice— “fuck him? Hell yeah!”

Lifting her glass in the air, Jenelle gave me an approving nod. “Okay!”

“And even with all that being true, I no longer date men I have no future with… so Will and I are just friends. That’s all it can be. That’s all it’ll ever be.”

Jenelle’s eyebrows shot up, and she pursed her lips. I waited for her to say something, but she remained silent.

I cleared my throat. “A relationship wouldn’t work with us. It didn’t work then. It wouldn’t work now. And honestly, I’m not even interested in pursuing anything serious with him or anyone. I just want to focus on me. This year is going to be all about making money.”

“Yes, but didn’t Will say he was up for that job in Philly?”

“Yes…?”

“And if he gets the job, which we already know he will, he’s moving to Philly?”

My brows furrowed in confusion. “Yes…?”

“So, next week, he’ll be starting a new life in Philly?”

“Yes!” My voice elevated in exasperation. “What’s your point?”

“This might be your last weekend to have him blow your back out one more time.”

I heard her words just as I was swallowing the swig of water I’d just sipped. Somewhere between my body’s reaction to what she said and my brain’s memory of what he did to my body that summer, I choked.

“What?” I screeched, the sound garbled by a laugh-gasp that simultaneously escaped.

“Timing is everything… right?” Jenelle giggled as I gave her a flabbergasted look.

“You two look like you’re having a good time,” the waiter pointed out, appearing unexpectedly. He looked between us with a huge smile as he poured wine into our empty glasses. “On the house,” he noted with a wink. “Celebrating something?”

Reeling from Jenelle’s words, I just shook my head.

“Yes! My best friend has a new job, a new place.” She paused and gave me a look. “And a new opportunity to get her back aligned.”

“Congratulations!” The waiter looked between us and smiled. “Very good reasons to celebrate! And you know what… I saw a chiropractor just a couple of weeks ago, and I instantly felt better.”

The laughter bubbled up inside of me, and I tried to keep it together. My entire body shook, and it wasn’t until he walked away that I could look at Jenelle. As soon as our eyes met, we both cracked up.

“See, go ahead and call Will and let him give you the adjustment you need.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “You’ll instantly feel better.”

I felt the heat on my cheeks, between my legs, and in my chest. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not? I still don’t understand why you two even split. I’ve never understood your relationship. You two had so much fun together and then all of a sudden, you two decided to be friends. Within a month, he started dating that social media model”—she rolled her eyes dramatically— “and you started dating Thomas. And then that was it. You two have been ‘friends’ ever since.” She used air quotes to emphasize her sarcasm.

“We are friends—well, we’re friendly. And a relationship between us is not viable.”

“But we’re not talking about a relationship. We’re talking about sex with someone you care about in order to de-stress. We’re talking about the hottest goodbye sex. We’re talking that post-Valentine’s Day dick.”

“Oh my God!” I cackled, and then I cleared my throat. “I guess it has been a while since I had sex with anyone.”

“A while?” she sputtered. “You’re basically a virgin again. You and Thomas broke up forever ago and besides that brief hookup—”

“You mean that quickie that resulted in a pregnancy scare?” I corrected her.

“Whatever. You let that pregnancy scare scare the sex out of your life.”

I laughed, but she wasn’t wrong. I glanced at my cell phone and then picked up my wine glass. It had been a long time and William really had a way with my body.

I shouldn’t though… should I?

“No, no, no… I shouldn’t,” I answered my own question into my hands as I covered my face. I sighed before meeting my best friend’s eyes. “We had our one good summer. Our moment has come and gone.”

“Maybe it has, maybe it hasn’t.” She lifted her left shoulder and held her hands upward. “But what was it your Nana used to say? Even a broken clock is right twice a day.” Jenelle delivered her argument in a sing-song voice as her eyebrows wiggled. “Well, let’s consider seeing Will again being the second time the clock is right.”

I quietly considered what she’d said. Staring at my Nana’s watch, I looked at the hands as they remained frozen in place.

She’s not wrong…

Jenelle shrugged her shoulders. “But obviously, it’s your call. If you really don’t think it’s a good idea, don’t do it. I’m not trying to talk you into anything you don’t want to do. I just saw the way the two of you were looking at each other and figured why not climb that tree one last time before he moves away? You’ll get the closure you never got, and you’ll roll into your first day of work feeling like a new woman.” She gave me a small smile. “But I get it. Will is…different.”

I swallowed hard, glancing at my phone.

“Anyway, I’m probably just horny since Mike’s been out of town,” Jenelle continued. “I’m projecting and living vicariously through you.”

“How are things with Mike?” I asked, changing the subject so I didn’t have to deal with my own feelings at the moment.

Jenelle’s face lit up. “Mike is enjoying his time in Japan. The first week was all business meetings, and this week he’s getting more time to just enjoy himself. Let me show you what he sent me earlier.”

As she messed with her phone, I slipped mine off the table and into my lap.

“Isn’t this gorgeous?” She showed me a selfie of Mike with the neon-lit skyscrapers of Tokyo in the background.

“Are you talking about Tokyo or Mike?” I teased as I sipped wine and masked my nerves.

She giggled and stared at her phone.

Quickly, I looked down at my screen and moved my thumb over the keyboard.

Looking up, I nodded at Jenelle’s story. Her entire face glowed every time she spoke about Mike. I didn’t even think she realized she was telling me a story she’d already told me before. It was looking as though absence was really making her heart grow fonder.

“So, I take it that you two aren’t just casual anymore…?” I asked, distractedly.

Part of me wanted to tell Jenelle I was sending the message so she could help me perfect my flirt technique. But the larger part of me didn’t want to have the conversation about what hooking up with Will meant. I didn’t want to talk about how Will made me feel. I didn’t want to talk about the status of our relationship. I just needed a release.

So, I kept the decision to myself and before I could lose my nerve, I hit send.

“…and it’s not just that he’s so hot, he’s so thoughtful and sweet, too,” Jenelle swooned.

“He is. You two seem to make a good pair. When does he come back?”

The phone vibrating in my lap shot directly to my clit. My entire body tingled. I knew it was him before I even looked down at the screen.