JEREMY
Steven shakes his head for the fourth time that afternoon. “You so owe me for doing this,” he says, but there’s this little glint in his eye that makes me think he’s sort of okay with what we’re going to do.
I open the door to Mum’s. She’s not home yet, but she’ll be home any minute.
“So,” Steven says, going straight to the fridge and grabbing the carton of chocolate milk. “We’re just holding hands, right?”
“Exactly. On the couch. When mum comes in we’re going to separate like we’re trying to cover it up.”
Steven pours a glass for him and me and shoves one over the bench. “Wouldn’t it be better if we’re making out?”
I laugh out loud. “Hell no.” A small flush creeps up my friend’s cheeks. Huh. “You want to tell me something, Steven?”
A deeper shade of red gives him away.
“Seriously?” I say. “Are you for real? Dudes?”
He just picks up his milk and drinks. When he sets his glass in the sink, he shrugs. “You’ve never been curious?”
“Can’t say I have. You don’t have a crush on me, do you?”
Steven rolls his eyes. “You really are an arrogant prick.”
I grin.
“But, uh, I mean, if I were into guys . . .?
He needs me to say something about it. I’ve known him most of my life, and I can sense when he’s uncomfortable. I sip the milk. “I don’t really give a shit who you dig,” I say. “Just don’t start falling for me or anything. This is just a ruse, okay?”
“Fuck you,” he says, smiling again. “No way on Earth would I go for you anyway. I’ve seen your dick and it’s tiny.”
“Shove off, you pervert. And I’m not tiny.”
“Oh really?”
“You just want me to show you my wang, don’t you?”
He laughs. And then I can see his mind ticking. I almost know what he’s going to say next. “No fucking way,” I say, backing out of the kitchen.
An evil grin quirks his lips, and he prowls forward. “You do owe me for doing this with you.”
“My tiny dick is out of bounds to you. So just . . . kept yours in your pants, okay?”
He laughs as we enter the lounge. “I’m kidding with you, man. Except for the tiny part.”
I fall back onto the couch and Steven follows. He grabs my hand and gives it a little squeeze. Then says seriously, “Thanks man. For being cool.”
I’m not going to squeeze his hand back, but I nod. “Less competition with the girls for the next four years. What’s not to like about that?”
The front door lock snaps. Mum’s home. I bunch closer to Steven. I suddenly wonder if Mum will even see our hands together like this.
Ah shit. “Okay, fuck it,” I whisper. “Kiss me okay. No tongue. Consider it payment.”
Mum’s footsteps come down the hall. I nervously glance at the doorway and at Steven. I hope I don’t make a face when we kiss and give myself away.
But I don’t get a chance to worry further. Steven grabs my shirt and crushes me against his lips as he leans back to the arm of the couch, so we’re lying on each other.
I don’t know whether I want to swear at him or be impressed at the scene we’re giving.
My mum’s footsteps slow, and that’s when I mutter a soft—but hopefully audible—“Oh fuck, Mum’s home.”
We scramble apart just in time for Mum to see the hurried retreat. Then I act nonchalant, like nothing’s happened. “Hey Mum,” I say.
She frowns. “What are you two up to?
I meet her frown with a shrug. “Oh, you know. Nothing much.”
“Thought you were staying at your dad’s this week?”
“Yeah, we were just grabbing our assignment I left here.”
She looks from me to Steven and the surprise on her face almost makes me laugh. But I can’t do that, or she’ll know something’s up that’s not quite right.
Steven looks super uncomfortable, and I wonder if it’s an act or if he really is feeling weird about this. And then I notice the bulge in his pants and the way he’s trying to twist away from my mum.
It’s perfect, in a way. Mum has to have gotten it now. But in another way, I feel a little bad for Steven because my mum has known him since he was a kid too, and he is sort of coming out to her for real. Ish.
I move over to him, grab his arm, and move past Mum into the hall. “We’re off to Dad’s now,” I say, heading down the hall.
I stop when she calls out, “What about your assignment?” Her arched brow says she knows there’s no such assignment. But she doesn’t know that’s the point. And that I’ve won this round.
“Oh yeah,” I say. “Steven, you go wait outside. I’ll be down in a tick.”
It takes me only a minute to race upstairs, grab something that looks like it could be an assignment, and head back down. I nip into the kitchen where Mum is standing, resting against the counter eating a banana.
“Bye,” I say, and wave.
I leave, praying as I do that this will lighten mum up.
And that maybe it’d even stop the bi-weekly banana condom practice.