Kate
“Miss Kate.”
I feel a tug on the end of my sweater and look down to see a miniature Max staring back at me. I squat down so I’m eye to eye with Finn. It’s been torture not telling him everything will be okay.
“What’s up, Finn?” I grab his hand.
“I forgot my special project in the room.”
It takes me a second to figure out what he’s talking about. We didn’t do any art or sculpting projects today. Then it dawns on me he’s talking about the book he’s been writing. I haven’t read a word of it because he hasn’t offered to share it with me. A few months ago, he asked if I could staple papers together so he could write. Of course I did, but then he nibbled on his lower lip. Once I got it out of him, he was bothered because some of the pages were crooked, so during recess I bound a thick stack of lined pages, covering it with laminated cardstock. Since then, he writes in it all the time.
I’ve seen some descriptive pictures and math problems. But he writes in it more than anything. I’ve been so curious to know what he puts in it but have never wanted to disrespect him. The journal has become one of his most prized possessions.
“Wait here, sweetie. I’ll be right back.” I squeeze his hand.
“Miss Kate, I only have three minutes before Harriet comes.” Tears are welling up in his eyes. “We don’t have time.”
Harriet is the sweetest foster parent I’ve met to date. It’s clear she cares for Finn in her gentle touch and extreme patience with him. She works closely with Finn’s case worker, Frank. Those two are the brightness in his life right now.
“Finn, deep breaths, I’ll be right back. You stay right here.” I give his hand one last squeeze and make eye contact with the first-grade teacher. She gives me a nod, letting me know she heard our conversation.
I rush back to the classroom, avoiding eye contact with Gilly, who has still been doing his best to intimidate me. His antics would’ve worked if it weren’t for Max’s encouragement to stand up for myself. Finn’s journal is right on top of his desk as if it was on his mind and he got distracted, leaving behind his best friend.
I burst back out the doors, knowing Finn will more than likely be on the verge of a meltdown, and I’m right. The tears are spilling down his round cheeks as Harriet walks up to him.
“Finn!” I holler over the mass of children scurrying to the buses or their parents and wave his journal in the air.
He wipes the tears rolling down his face with the back of his hand. Harriet rubs his back. I kneel once I’m in front of him.
“Here you.” I turn him around and tuck it in his backpack.
“Miss Kate, it goes in the second pocket, not the first one,” Finn stutters out.
“I know, honey.”
Once the journal is safely in place, I turn him around and give him a hug. His life is about to change forever. The happiness inside me is overwhelming. It’s so strong I can barely handle it.
“You’re going to have a great day, Finn,” I whisper in his ear.
His little arms squeeze tight around my neck. “I’m meeting a man today.”
It’s the first time he’s mentioned it all day.
“I know, honey. It’s going to be so amazing.”
“I’m scared. I don’t want to meet him, but I don’t want to go home.”
I soothe circles on his back. “Trust me, Finn. Please just trust me.”
This has to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done to date. I have to fight back the urge to grab Finn’s hand and go with him. This poor little boy needs stability, and he’s so close to getting there. Max filled me in on all the DNA testing, interviews, and all the other hoops he’s had to jump through. It’s not over by any means, but things are looking up for him. I do my best to stay in the boundaries of friendship or whatever we are. I find myself having to bite my tongue to keep my opinions and advice at bay. It’s more important to me to remain a piece of his support system than prying for all the detailed information.
“Okay, Miss Kate,” he stutters.
“Time to go,” Harriet announces.
I stand up, straightening my sweater, and grab Finn’s hand. I walk with them over to Harriet’s car. Finn crawls into the huge SUV in his tattered jeans and shoes that are way too small and worn.
A voice clears behind me, and I turn to see Gilly standing there with his arms crossed over his chest. I give him a nod and walk past him with chills racing up and down my spine.
I make it to my classroom, unable to focus on anything. I should be stuffing folders for tomorrow’s literature centers but find myself staring off into space and watching the clock. Finn and Max should be meeting right about now. I have no doubt Max is nervous as hell and Finn skeptical about the whole situation, his little brain running a hundred miles per minute.
A knock throttles me from my thoughts. I look up to see Gilly walking into my classroom. I push my glasses up on the bridge of my nose and remain sitting in a tiny chair behind a U-shaped table.
“You have a minute?” he asks, sitting across from me.
No, you chauvinistic asshole, I think to myself. Lord, how I’d love to let the words flow from my tongue. Reality is he’s my boss and I’m on the clock.
“Sure, what’s up?” I muster out in my most carefree voice.
“Things are tense between us, and I just wanted to apologize for that. I never should’ve asked you out to dinner. It’s made things awkward in our working relationship.” He rests on an elbow on the top of his thigh.
I think he forgot about the fact he not only asked me out once, but several times and was relentless.
“Okay,” I reply, having no idea what to say.
“And about writing you up, it was nothing personal. I have to be fair and enforce rules to everyone.”
Pain pierces the tip of my tongue from biting down on it so hard. Again, he forgot to mention all the other times he reprimanded me for “snooping around,” his words, into Finn’s situation.
“I get it, Mr. Gilly. And I didn’t take it personal. I’ll continue to do the best job possible.” I snap a folder shut, doing my best to keep my cool.
“Great.” He stands up, unbuttoning the top button on his dress shirt. “I’m glad we had this talk, Kate, and always know I’m here for you.”
“Okay.” I nod and smile as politely as I can.
Nothing like leaving that dating door open. I ignore the reference and go back to my work. I don’t look up to watch him stride out of the room. I only know he’s gone once his overwhelming expensive cologne fades away. I slump, knowing damn well he’s not about to make my life easy. Doesn’t matter because I’m doing what I love and that’s all that matters. And now with Max in my life, I’m not sure anything could get me down.
I give up on work and head home. I pace back and forth for hours, watching the time and my phone. Nothing from Max. He told me he’d text or stop by after the visit. I’ve tried soaking in a tub with my casted arm propped up on the edge, binge watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix, and even went for a run.
It’s now past nine, and my mind is running crazy. I’ve run my hands over my yoga pants a million times. I finally give up and grab a hoodie before thinking things out and take off for Max’s house. There’s no need to hop in my car since we live so close. The street light lit up the road as I jogged the few blocks.
Every light in the house is on while the porch is cloaked in darkness. The first step creaks as I step on it.
“What are you doing here?” Max demands.
I jump back, slamming my hands over my chest. “Jesus, you scared me.”
“Go home, Kate,” he growls.
I take a step closer and am able to make out the bottle of whiskey next to him. No cup or mixer in sight.
“Max,” I whisper.
He doesn’t respond with words. He picks up the bottle and downs a long gulp. He damn near misses the table as he slams the bottle back down. He’s drunk. Piss wasted.
“What happened, Max?” I creep closer to him.
Even in his toxic state, I know he’d never hurt me. It’s the opposite; he’s the one hurting, in more pain than I could ever imagine.
He stands from the rocker, causing the back of it to crash into the side of the house. He sways back and forth until he steadies himself, then rakes his hands through his tousled hair.
“What do you want to hear, Kate?” he roars. “I met my son today, a boy that has been through hell and is scared of his own shadow. He’s in shit clothes. I’ve seen the pictures of his scars and all the fucking reports. I had to act like it was a happy fucking day meeting him when I felt all the guilt in the world on my shoulders. Is that what you want to hear? How big of a fucking failure I am? Well, there you go.”
He throws his arms out to the side. I take a few steps and grab the bottle of whiskey. There’s not much left in it at all. I pour the remnants over the railing until it’s drained.
“Max, you’re letting the reminder of your demons win. You’re falling down that slippery slope toward repeating the cycle. You are better than this.” I set the bottle down and step to him, wrapping my arms around his middle.
“It fucking hurts.” He drops his head down to mine.
“I know. Trust me, I’ve watched him for months. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I do know this Max won’t do.” I squeeze tighter, hoping not to set him off. “He needs all of you. And that means you’re going to have to digest that guilt and shame and give him the world.”
We stand in silence for long moments before Max moves. He turns me around and guides me inside his house. The sound of a loud engine roaring fades off into the distance. I have no idea who it is and honestly don’t give a shit. Max doesn’t stop until we are in the middle of his bedroom. He lets go of me, steps back, and reaches behind his neck. In one swift movement, he has his shirt off and makes quick work of his jeans until he’s left in only a pair of black boxers.
Then before I know it, he advances my direction, tugging off my hoodie. The smell of whiskey floats off him. It’s saddening and intoxicating all at once. He stops at my sweatshirt and tugs me down into bed with him, covering both of us in blankets.
He pulls me to his chest, gently kissing my forehead. “Thank you, Kate. I’m going to need you.”
I run my hand up and down his jawline. “I’m here. Anytime. I’ll share a drink with you, have dinner, paint your damn house, but I refuse to watch you destroy yourself.”
“He’s so perfect. It’s haunting, though, how much of myself I saw in him.”
“Life is shitty like that, but just think, he’s only in kindergarten and has so much of his life ahead of him.”
Max places another kiss on my forehead while his hand roams up and down my back. And all I can think is, Damn, I wish he would’ve stripped me bare. Max might be the one needing me right now, but in an odd way, I need him just as much.
“He talked about you nearly the whole time.”
That makes me smile. “Oh yeah?”
“Miss Kate this and Miss Kate that.”
“I am pretty damn cool.” I lean up and kiss his jawline.
“Damn, he’s a smart kid. He knew right away I was his dad. I was shocked. He knew I played football. I guess Ally told him some about me.”
“How did he react, knowing you’re his dad?” I kiss him again.
“He didn’t really.”
Max’s eyes flutter shut. There’s just enough moonlight shining through to make out his facial features. I can imagine he’s exhausted after the day’s events and the whiskey he downed.
Soon his breathing evens out. I keep my palm on his jaw and whisper, “Don’t ever do that again, Max.”
Once I begin to nod off, I know I better get up and head home. I search around his room for a piece of paper, and when I don’t find one, I’m about to head out to the kitchen.
“No,” Max mumbles and thrashes in the blankets.
I turn to see he’s still dead asleep as the thrashing grows more violent.
***
Max
Jesus, I slipped so close to the edge of never returning. Seeing Finn today was so overwhelming, and I couldn’t handle it. I wanted to call Kate or go to her, but that just made me feel weaker and pathetic. Then she shows up. She saves me.
I see two of her the moment she steps on the porch. Her scent and touch sobers me right up, with more than just the whiskey making me sleepy with her in my arms. I breathe her in and ground myself, and before I know it, I’m out.
Visions of me young and dirty drift in, my mom burning me, the men in and out of the house. The scenes swirl into Finn’s sweet face being battered and beaten. It’s an endless cycle of my past, from being bullied in high school to my days serving the country. I wince and feel my heart shatter when I’m back there with bullets whizzing by and my brothers going down all around me. A searing pain in my calf, then me holding my best friend as he takes his final gasp of air. It’s all too much making my skin crawl. I know it’s a dream, but I can’t pull myself from it.
“Max.” Kate’s delicate voice floats into the mass of never-ending nightmares. “Max.”
Arms wrap around my middle, her hair flowing over my shoulders as she hovers around me. The horrible visions of my dreams have vanished, leaving only darkness behind.
“Max, wake up, baby. You’re okay.” Her hand cups my cheek.
I pull from sleep and shake my head. My heart pounds as I work to ground myself. I come face to face with Kate, hovering above me with concern dancing in her eyes.
“It was a nightmare. I’m here,” she soothes.
“Jesus,” I whisper.
This isn’t the first time I’ve had one of these episodes. There’ve been several, just not any with Finn’s face mixed in. It’s the reason good sleep rarely comes and I find myself working during the night.
“Kate,” I whisper.
This time, I don’t warn her before I kiss her. I need her. Crave her to burn away the ache with her touch and scent. I lean up and catch her lips with mine. Kate falls into the kiss, taking charge like last time. I grab her hips, rolling her on top until she’s straddling me, and kiss the hell out of her.
Kate rolls her hips, and I keep kissing her until we are both left exhausted. And this time, my sleep isn’t interrupted.