Jackson
He’d emailed back.
I probably shouldn’t have been surprised. I’d grabbed my phone to check my email before I’d even gotten out of bed, so I wasn’t sure why I expected him to be any different. It wasn’t like he was trying to play games and keep me guessing.
As I lay there reading, the mental image that came up had me picturing a bouncy little thing that might have been slightly over-caffeinated. Either that, or he really was as excitable as Sawyer had hinted in his first letter.
Reading his list of questions, I had to smile. He’d gotten right to the point. No small talk or useless questions just to ease into things. I liked it. The straightforward nature of the words made me think that he was taking it as seriously as I was.
Maybe that wasn’t the right way to phrase it, but when I’d stayed up half the night researching different aspects of a potential relationship, there didn’t seem to be another word for it. Sure, I wanted passion and for there to be a connection, but I wasn’t going to jump into something serious without knowing what they were looking for and how I felt about their needs. Just the fact that I’d been reading online long enough to get sober said something about how drawn I was to them.
Reading through the letter again, I couldn’t decide my opinion on the phone conversation idea. With any other potential date, I would have already mentioned talking on the phone. But it seemed like a huge step.
Which was ridiculous.
A phone call or, hell, going totally crazy and asking them out to dinner would be simple and easy. But would that really let me know if I could handle everything? Would talking at dinner show me what it would be like to get serious with two men? Would talking on the phone help me to understand how the puppy play would really feel?
No matter what I decided, anything would be more helpful than emails back and forth.
Shoving back the covers, I set my phone down and told myself it was time to start getting ready for the day. Even though I’d slept in, completely blowing off the mental note I’d made to work on the books before classes started, I still had plenty of time to get ready.
I had a handful of early classes during the week, but most of my work was in the evenings and on the weekends. I’d dated a few guys who hadn’t liked working around my schedule, but I loved what I was doing and wouldn’t have it any other way.
Grabbing some clothes as I headed into the bathroom, I tried to remind myself why I liked having my work and home so close together. It was nice in the evenings when all I had to do was lock up the warehouse-style building on the edge of the property where I held classes and walk across the lawn to the house, but it sucked when it meant putting clothes on first thing.
Little old ladies who came at ungodly hours to pay their bills did not need to know that I slept naked. So clothes first thing was important. I’d only had one surprise where I’d needed to scramble for something to wear before I’d learned that lesson.
Dressed and ready for the day in about fifteen minutes, I headed through the house and into the kitchen. When I’d first had the house built a few years ago, everyone had said that I’d never use all the square footage, but as I looked at the guest rooms and large living room, I couldn’t help but think that the house would be great for three people.
The practical side of me said everyone would have enough space for their own office or just a bedroom they could use to escape and make it their own. I’d read an article during my marathon research session that talked about how important it was for the different couples to have private time together and for the individuals to have places they could retreat to.
Well, the house had that in spades. I just wasn’t sure how I felt about everything else I’d read in that piece. Different people needed different amounts of personal space; I got that. But when the couple…threesome…group that was living together talked about pairing off and doing things as a couple, that had seemed harder to follow.
How would I feel if Cooper and Sawyer went to the movies without me, or how would Sawyer feel if Cooper and I went out to dinner? There were so many parts that I just couldn’t see, and figuring out how I felt about them was almost impossible.
I had a feeling it was something that I wouldn’t understand until I was in the situation, but was that fair to them? Could I get to know them and possibly enter into a relationship when I didn’t even know how I would feel about the practical side of things? We’d know pretty quickly if we clicked or not, so the chemistry part didn’t worry me…it was everything else that did.
The kitchen was another room that was too big for just me, but when I pictured three people getting breakfast in the morning or helping to make dinner, the space was perfect. It had an old-fashioned feel, but with nice appliances and tons of countertop. I had to admit that I thought I’d done a great job on it.
The house had a lot of woodwork that gave it an older feel—but with newer furniture and things that balanced it out and kept it from looking like old people lived there. As I made the coffee, looking out at the backyard, trying to imagine what Sawyer and Cooper would think of everything, I heard a car door slam.
A quick look at the calendar on the wall said I didn’t have any lessons that I’d forgotten. I wasn’t sure who it could be. Most of my friends worked more traditional jobs, so they’d been at work for a couple of hours at least.
That left family.
If I was lucky, it might be a door-to-door salesman who was very lost.
Nope, no such luck. The back door opened, and Melissa’s face popped around the opening. “Good morning. I’d say afternoon since it’s getting close, but you don’t look like you’ve been up that long.” She looked around curiously before shutting the door. “Should I have knocked?”
“Yes, but because it’s basic manners. No one else is here.”
“You know, if you start dating your kinky cuties then I’m going to have to knock and give everyone time to get clothes on.” Melissa grinned and started heading over to the coffeepot.
If my imagination was anywhere close to correct, she was right.
Melissa glanced over as she doctored her coffee. “Still emailing your new friends?”
“Yes, but Cooper emailed first thing this morning that he wants to talk on the phone. But I’m thinking that dinner might be an easier way to talk to both of them at the same time.”
She shook her head. “You’re like an old man when it comes to technology. There are all kinds of ways you could talk without going on a date.”
I shrugged and took a sip of my coffee. “Maybe, but I want to be able to see them as we talk and get a feel for how we interact. I don’t think the phone is the best way to handle it.”
“So you’re serious about the whole idea?” She took a sip and leaned against the counter.
“Why? Should I not be?” They were sweet and cute, and even the few emails we’d exchanged felt more personal than my last couple of dates.
“I’m not saying don’t consider it.” She started wandering around the kitchen before settling down at the table. “I just think that puppy play is a very different lifestyle than you’ve been exposed to.”
That didn’t mean it was scary.
“I was basically unfamiliar with the lifestyle, yes.” Aside from a few odd TV shows and maybe some online videos that I wouldn’t have originally thought were real, I hadn’t given it much thought.
She studied me and took another drink of her coffee. “Are you becoming more familiar with it?”
“Yes.”
“What are you thinking?” The way she asked the question felt like I should have been laid out on a couch in a therapist’s office.
“Are we really going to have this discussion?” Rolling my eyes, I didn’t try to hide that I was starting to get frustrated with the interrogation.
She cocked one eyebrow. “Do you have anyone else to talk to about this shit?”
Good point.
“I think I have enough of the caretaker qualities that the lifestyle would not be a bad fit. I also like the playful energy that comes from dogs, and the actual act of playing is familiar. I would have to think that the same things would carry over when the puppy isn’t actually a dog.” I thought it might. Maybe.
She gave me a skeptical look. “I think the basic question is simple. Did the videos and stuff you watched—not porn, real people—give you those warm fuzzy feelings that made it seem like a good idea? Turned-on doesn’t really matter because not all puppy play is sexual. In fact, a lot isn’t, but can you see curling up with a pup and petting them? Those are basic things your pup will need from a master.”
That was a very good question.
I had time to think since I’d first gotten their email, and nothing I’d seen or read scared me off. I was starting to find that I wasn’t as vanilla as I’d originally assumed. It seemed like I’d already been moving in a less traditional direction and this was just taking it further.
I liked taking control in bed, light restraints, and even spankings weren’t out of the ordinary. I’d just never really thought of them as BDSM. I liked being able to cuddle my partner and relax with them, and I wasn’t sure if what they were wearing would matter.
So what if they had a tail and collar while we watched TV on the couch?
“Nothing that I’ve seen was overwhelming or put me off, but it’s hard to imagine how it will feel since we haven’t met yet. If I’m playing what-if, and I try to picture someone from a previous relationship, then I’d have to say a solid maybe. There were a few guys who were leaning more toward the submissive end of the spectrum, but I never really considered that when I was dating someone.” I probably should have.
In my defense, when I first started dating, there were more guys in the closet than out, and BDSM was nowhere near as mainstream as it was turning out to be. I grew up in the south. Not the small-town stereotype people thought of, but still Southern enough that aside from a little bit of curious stuff going on behind closed doors, most people gay, straight, or anything else were kind of boring.
She gave me another long look. “You need to be honest with them about your experience and what you’re thinking. Don’t let them walk into even a date without you explaining that it doesn’t freak you out, but you can’t visualize it and have no idea how it will feel. Give them a chance to back out if they’re looking for someone with experience.”
“I’ve been very honest with my lack of experience in this area. I’ve also let them know that I have questions, and I’m not ready to jump into those types of things right away.” I wasn’t stupid.
“Did you hint or did you actually spell it out?”
“I was polite and careful but not making it difficult to understand.” There was no way they could have missed reading between the lines. And I’d been very clear that I didn’t have any experience with that type of kink.
“They’re submissives, Jackie. They’re not looking for you to dance around a topic because you’re trying not to upset the current drama queen. They’re looking for someone to take charge and let them turn over the decisions to someone else.” Now it was her turn to roll her eyes.
Guys always said they liked someone who took charge, but I’d yet to meet one who really did. “I don’t date drama queens.”
She laughed so hard coffee sprayed all over the table. When she finally caught her breath, she shook her head. “That’s all you date. Crazy guys who want attention but not too much because then you’re hovering. It’s like you were trying to find someone that wasn’t just like you, but you went looking in the wrong direction.”
I liked taking charge when given the option, but most people, especially guys I’d dated made it seem like a minefield. “Bullshit. A guy says he’s looking for someone who knows what they want or who’s more alpha, but the first time you do something as simple as pick a damn restaurant instead of playing the ‘What do you want?’ game then they go postal.”
She laughed. “Not if the guy is a real submissive and not just trying to play one because it’s popular, or they think it sounds cool. A true submissive would be relieved to know what would make you happy. Yes, they’re going to have opinions and things that they’d want too, but just knowing what would please you feels wonderful to them.”
Melissa took a sip of her coffee and leaned back in the chair. “I interviewed this guy one time, so I could understand more about what my character might be thinking. He came across feisty and interesting and had lots of opinions, but when we were talking, he said he loved it when he knew exactly what his master liked or wanted. His master might not always get it, no matter what it was, but it was a weight off his shoulders not to have to guess.”
“I think I’m just going to have to sit down with them and really get to know what they’re looking for. What kind of master they’re picturing and what kind of third they’re imagining aren’t things I’m going to be able to understand until we’re talking about them.”
She nodded. “Emails and written communication are good for spelling things out. However, these aren’t questions you can answer in yes or no format like you were filling in the blanks on a school test.”
“No, these are definitely essays.”
She chuckled. “Agreed. And you’re more of a physical person, so just imagining it probably isn’t helpful for you, anyway.”
Melissa was right; to really understand something, I needed to be able to touch it and experience it. Learning in school was harder because of it—my job now was perfect for it. “But if I tell them that I won’t really understand how it feels until I’m actually doing it, they’re going to think I’m some kind of a perv or just leading them on.”
“It’s going to depend on how you tell them. I’d talk about the research and the questions you have and then get to know them for a while. By the time you actually know if there could be something between the three of you, I think you’ll be able to go into the puppy play with a different mindset.” Melissa was watching me, a serious expression on her face.
“What do you mean?”
She took a moment, and I could see her mind working. “Any kind of healthy BDSM or lifestyle relationship generally gets serious faster than more traditional ones. You have to be a lot more open and honest with your partner or, in this case, partners. That honesty and sharing pulls people together. By the time you’re ready to delve into the puppy play, you’re either going to be half in love with them and really open to making it work, or you’re going to know they’re not the right people for you, so it won’t matter.”
She touched on pieces that I’d read, but somehow, I hadn’t looked at it that way. If it were someone I was already falling in love with that wanted me to try, I would. If I was honest, I had to say that of the guys I’d dated and the relationships I’d tried to make work, I hadn’t been in love with that many. Looking back to those first relationships that I’d fallen so hard in, I think I would have done almost anything for them.
That was such a long time ago, though, and I was a different person now.
“Thank you, Mellie.” I wasn’t ready to answer her unasked question, but I wanted her to know I appreciated her insight. “Now, besides coming over for free coffee, why are you here?”
“I took the morning off because I had some stuff to get done. And I was curious to know how things were going with your cuties.” She shrugged. “This is going to make a great book if you guys work it all out.”
“Gross.” I shuddered. “I don’t want to picture you writing about my love life.”
She laughed. “How do you know I haven’t already used you as inspiration? You could already be a clueless Dom or a sub who’s not how everyone thinks they should look.”
“That’s just cruel. I show up in one of your books, and I’ll definitely tell. Mom doesn’t even like us posting pictures or anything remotely personal on social media. What’s she going to do if you end up putting me in a book?” I gave her a wicked grin.
Melissa groaned. “She’ll kill me.”
“Yup.” I smirked, and she balled up a napkin and threw it at me.
“You’re a terrible brother.”
“I know.” I didn’t fight my grin. I was going to milk it for all it was worth when it finally came out. If she was making as much as she’d hinted, I couldn’t see her working a traditional nine-to-five much longer. She was pretty vocal about being bored stiff at her job, so if she was that close to an out, she’d take it sooner or later.
“All right, I have to go.”
“Gossip and coffee then you leave.”
“Yup.” Now it was her turn to smirk. “And I was helpful. Don’t forget that point, because if you out me, then I’m going to brag to her about how much I helped you find the men of your dreams.”
“I’d still be in love and you’d be the liar. I’m going to come out on top no matter how you explain it.” I wasn’t going to let her forget it.
“Ass.” She grinned as she started to rise.
“Aww, I love you too.” Grabbing our mugs, I started taking hers over to the sink and mine to get a refill. I had work to do and an email to write. Caffeine was a must. “Now shoo. My to-do list is insane, and unless you want to be volunteered for paying bills and going over the business finances, you should escape while you can.”
“Have fun emailing back your cuties.” She gave a teasing wave as she started heading out the back door.
“Go.” I was picturing writing the actual email as more stressful than fun, but the idea of getting to know them better was appealing. “And knock next time!”
Laughing, she shut the door as she walked out, not making any promises. I was going to have to start remembering to lock the doors. Especially if they came over. The thought of her walking in while we were doing anything was horrifying.
I’d definitely end up in a book just so she could tease me about it forever.
Heading out into the living room, I grabbed my laptop and plopped down on the couch. Email first, or I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else. The beginning of the email was going to come easily. All I had to do was answer Cooper’s questions, but I still wasn’t sure what I was going to do about taking things to the next step.
Should I just agree to a phone call, or did I want to push for something more?
There was a part of me that wanted to agree with what he’d suggested and let them set the pace. But with what Melissa had said, I thought I would do better by listening to the bossy piece of me that I’d gotten used to ignoring. He was very insistent.
Cooper,
Yes, that’s me on the website. Thank you for the compliment. I’ll admit that I was a little bit hesitant about how you would see me because I’m not anywhere near your age. I’ve dated people that were younger and some that were older, so I don’t think that matters to me. I’ve never dated two guys at the same time, though.
I don’t think I have a problem with the type of relationship you’re looking for, because I’ve done some research about polyamorous relationships, and I think I’m getting a better hold on how they work. It’s probably like the puppy play and not something I’m going to understand until I get to know you both more. I’ve also been looking that up online too. I was aware of the lifestyle before, but I guess I never stopped to consider it because I’m learning a lot.
Getting to know you guys and to understand how you see a future relationship with someone is what I’m focusing on right now. I’ve never worried about going too slow or too fast before. Every relationship has been different, but since you guys have been honest that you’re looking for something serious, I think I’ll keep an open mind and see what feels right. Who knows? We could go out to dinner, and you guys might decide that I’m too boring to want to hang out with anymore.
Talking on the phone sounds like a good idea. I’m going to put my cell number at the bottom of the letter. If you want to give me a call later tonight, that would be great. I have classes until seven though, so calling around eight is probably a better idea. As long as the phone call goes well, I’d like to invite you guys out to dinner on Saturday. My treat so we can get to know each other better. Talk it over with Sawyer, and see what he thinks. Work’s calling so I have to go, but I’m looking forward to the call.
Jackson
Deciding not to overthink it, I quickly typed my phone number and hit the send button before closing the laptop. They were both probably busy anyway, so obsessing over the email and how they would reply would only make me crazy. If everything worked out, they might not even email back, anyway. The more I started thinking about the possibility of a phone call later, the better it sounded.
Forcing myself off the couch, I started mentally shifting gears to focus on my list for the day. The computer was calling, and what I really wanted to do was focus on the research and trying to understand what they might need from a master—from me one day.
At least, that was how it was starting to feel.