Sam

Sam lay on her back warm under the covers of her comfy bed inside the tent. She had no idea what time it was. She was sure it was late, but she couldn’t close her eyes. Not with Devon’s words running through her mind. They were like a song on repeat, swelling up inside her chest. All Sam could do was stare up at the winking constellations wishing they held an answer.

After their fireside conversation, they decided to turn in for the night. Devon had promised not to pressure her and she knew he didn’t mean to, but sleeping next to him felt like sleeping next to a landmine. One false move and her world would implode. It was so strange how they’d spent nights talking in each others beds, but now, sleeping a foot apart, Sam felt like she was crossing a line. God, she wished he would take it all back. He hadn’t even kissed her tonight, but he may as well have because things were changing. And if things were going to be weird between them, she really, really wanted to have at least one more Olympic kiss.

Their first kiss at Finnegan’s kept running through her mind. It happened so fast she hadn’t really had time to appreciate it—well that’s a lie, it was a freaking fantastic kiss—but she hadn’t really had time to decide if she wanted it to happen again.

“Sam?” Devon whispered in the darkness, making her jump. “Are you awake?”

“Yeah,” she replied.

“I can’t stop looking at the stars,” he said, still whispering, which made her smile.

“Me neither.”

“It just makes me feel oneness, with the universe, ya know?”

She snorted. “Oneness?”

“Hey, don’t knock the oneness. The oneness is grand.”

She laughed. “You’re such a nerd.”

“I know,” he sighed. “Too bad I’m not a tech nerd.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re more of a nature nerd.”

“Definitely.”

She didn’t risk looking at him, but she could hear the smile in his voice and it made her smile too.

“Hey, Sam?”

“Huh?”

“I think you like camping.”

“Shut up.”

“No, you definitely like camping.”

“Almost,” she said trying not to smile.

“Hey, Sam?”

“What?”

“I’m not pressuring you, but I really meant what I said.”

Her chest tightened and she finally asked the question that had been nagging her. “What if you change your mind?”

“About loving you?” He sounded shocked. “I wont.”

“How do you know?”

“I just know.”

She was silent, refusing to look at the bed next to her. The bed that was illuminated with a bright slice of moonlight as if the heavens were daring her.

“Hey, Sam?”

“What?”

“I really wanna kiss you.”

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! She swallowed hard. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. And I think you wanna kiss me too.”

She couldn’t resist any longer. Sam turned to look at Devon. He was already looking at her—his face glowing in the moonlight.

“Sam?” he whispered reaching for her hand.

She let him take it. “Yeah?”

“No more almost, okay?”

“Okay.”

She held her breath as Devon pulled himself closer to her. He hovered over her, his face blocking out the stars as he gently cradled her head. He hesitated, almost like he was waiting for her to push him away. She didn’t. She wanted this. She wanted at least one more kiss. She fought not to close her eyes as Devon finally lowered his face to hers. When their lips met, she let her eyelids flutter closed with a sigh as she clung to the afterglow of the stars and lost herself in his perfect lips.

* * *

It was only one kiss, but Sam had been right to worry, because it changed everything. She’d barely been able to pull herself away. They were both panting and breathless, and Devon pressed his forehead to hers like it pained him not to have his lips on hers. They both sat up, staring at each other—pupils wide, breathing ragged. Sam’s entire body was on fire. Holy hell! And that was just a kiss! Sam didn’t think she could actually handle anything more than kissing Devon. But he was like heroine and she was already itching for more.

After the life-changing kiss, Devon pushed his bed against Sam’s so they could hold hands and gaze at the stars together. She could tell he wanted to kiss her again, but as long as they were touching, he seemed content enough. Sam lay on her back staring at the sky while Devon traced electric circles on her palm with his thumb. It was heaven.

Sam’s favorite thing about the tent was the skylight. Okay it was probably the kiss. But her second favorite thing was gazing at the stars with Devon. She felt like she could reach up and grab them. She used to pretend she actually could when she was little. It’s one of the few things she remembered doing with her mother. Just to be silly, Sam raised her hand and pretended to catch a star between her fingers. Devon reached up too. Then, he threaded his fingers with hers. And it was just the two of them, with the stars in their hands. Sam felt the world stop. Devon was right. The oneness was grand—everything was grand.

Sam decided she definitely liked camping. And she definitely, definitely liked Devon. She was tired of being afraid to want him. She took a deep breath and tried to harness her fear. For the first time, she was starting to realize that her fear of making the wrong choice was so much smaller than her fear of never making a choice at all.

She looked over at Devon. He was grinning at her and her chest threatened to strangle her. This was it. This was Sam’s moment. And she knew with perfect certainty, that she wanted to take it. “Devon?” she whispered.

“Yeah?”

“You were right.”

“About what?”

“I don’t want to be almost anymore either.”

He sat up so fast his covers fell to his waist. “Sam . . . are you serious?”

Her heart was thumping in her chest so hard she worried it might crack open. But she was sure that she wanted the real thing. And she wanted it with Devon. She’d never been more sure of anything in her life. She nodded her head. “Yes.”

Devon exhaled her name. It was barely a whisper. He raised a trembling hand to stroke her cheek. She caught it and kissed his palm, then his wrist, then his arm. Then, she was crawling into his lap so she could kiss all of him. Everything was a frenzy and she couldn’t get enough. She lay on top of Devon, letting him hold her tightly against him while they pulled at each other’s clothes, kissing as if it were the only way to breathe. And maybe it was, because Sam had never felt more alive. Was this what she’d been missing all these years? Was this what not making choices cost her?

She wanted more. She wanted everything. And she wanted it with Devon—now. Sam pulled his shirt off over his head and started to pull off her own.

“Sam . . .” His voice was husky with desire.

“Yeah?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

He looked like he didn’t believe her, so she kissed him again, deeper and greedily, until he let go of the hem of her shirt. She pulled it over her head, shivering as the cold night air raced across her bare chest. Devon’s eyes were tethered to hers. She tried to pull herself back into his lap but he tensed. “Sam, wait.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just . . . I’ve wanted this for so long. But I don’t want to rush you. I don’t want you to think you have to do this.”

“I want to do this, Devon.”

“But, have you ever . . . done this?”

Sam’s cheeks flushed and she shook her head slowly. “But I want to. And I want it to be with you, Devon. I want to remember this-us, forever.”

His tension eased and he pulled her to him, stroking his hands down her back while he kissed her. She twisted her fingers in his thick hair and pulled him on top of her. Everything escalated to a frenzy of lips and hands again, and soon she was tugging at the waistband of his pants. He sucked in a breath and stilled as her fingers found the band of his boxer-briefs. “Hold on a sec,” he said jumping up from the disheveled sheets.

Disappointment flooded Sam. What had she done wrong? But Devon was back in a flash with a square foil packet between his fingers. Sam’s insides squirmed as she felt her whole body flood with nervous excitement. This was really going to happen.

“Do you always carry condoms with you?” she asked mildly embarrassed.

“Yes. I’m a guy.”

That was Devon, open and honest, and proud of his manhood. And at that moment, Sam was so grateful for it, because she didn’t want this to stop.

Devon slipped under the covers with her and pulled her gently to him, kissing her forehead. “Promise me you’re sure.” he whispered.

“I Promise.”

* * *

Devon was patient and gentle. He made Sam feel sensations she didn’t know she was capable of. He made her feel warm, and safe, and most of all, loved. When she was with Devon like this, the world stopped rushing ahead without her. Sam felt like she’d finally caught up, maybe even surpassed where she was meant to be. When they were together like this—just Sam and Devon—they were untouchable. They could do anything. They weren’t trapped by someone else’s plans or expectations. Their future was now! They were in it, and it was endless, in the best way she could imagine.

As Sam drifted off to sleep in Devon’s warm arms, she gazed up at the winking stars. Plato said every soul has a companion star they return to after death—Sam only knew this because one summer Megan had been obsessed with Plato. But now, as Sam stared at the blank space between the stars she’d picked out for herself, she found she was hoping there might be space for Devon there with her.