Chapter 3

Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I feel it all the time.

-Ellen’s secret thoughts

Ellen

“Why are we at a football game again?” I asked impassively. “And a private school’s game at that.”

Sean said a few words to me, but I couldn’t hear him over the excitement of the crowd.

I turned to survey the field, eyes widening slightly when I saw a kid who had to be twenty-one, at least, standing on the sidelines, talking to a coach, while squirting water in his mouth as he nodded.

It took impressive skill, that was for sure.

The boy—his features reminded me of someone else. Someone that looked so similar to the boy that it took my breath away.

Longing for something I lost from long ago rolled through me, and I shut it down so viciously that my head spun.

No, I couldn’t be thinking of him. Not when I was seeing Sean.

Sean walked to the edge of the fence, and my eyes went to the sign that was next to a tall man with wavy jet-black hair. The sign read ‘No standing’ and I nearly laughed. The man had a ball cap in his hands as he was waving it around in excitement over something that was going on on the field.

Since he was turned to watch the play down field, I could only make out his back and a very partial view of his face, but it was enough to make my body hum.

His other hand was fisted so tight that it was almost as if the man was tensing and dodging right along with the plays. His shoulders moved. His feet shuffled. And I was reminded of a man from my former life.

A boy who I’d loved with all my heart who couldn’t sit still for long.

I shut those thoughts down, too.

Why was I thinking about him all of a sudden? I hadn’t thought about him in months. Though, every year around his birthday, I’d think about him. Think about where he was now, and how he was doing.

Shit!

“You okay?”

I looked over at Tally, my brother’s wife, and nodded.

“Yeah,” I cleared my throat. “Just a lot on my mind.”

She watched me closely for a few seconds before turning back to the game, her eyes on the field.

“Are you as lost as me?” I asked her.

She tossed me a laughing grin. “Yeah, but it looks fun. The air is filled with excitement. And the sound of the band brings back memories of those Friday pep rallies.”

I nodded my head in understanding. The band had already started playing a song that even my band had played when I was in school.

I’d gone to football games, of course, but never to watch the actual game. I was less of a social butterfly, and more of a follower, only there because that was the place to be in the South on a Friday night.

Then I’d met Jessie, and my entire social calendar had taken a turn for the better…until he left.

I squeezed my hands into tight fists, not stopping even when the bite of my fingernails dug into my bare palms.

This wasn’t good.

It had to be because his birthday was only a few short weeks away that I was thinking about him. His birthday was the same day as mine, and I could never think about my special day without thinking about his.

“Oh, shit.”

My eyes snapped up and zeroed in on what was happening on the field.

Someone was down.

I couldn’t see who it was, due to the crowd that was now surrounding the downed figure, but from the crowd’s reaction, it was someone important.

The man who was standing beside Sean suddenly tensed. Within a heartbeat he was standing directly on the railing of the bleachers. His large, scarred hand that had a single tattoo of an E on the backside was resting against the large silver pole that held up the massive stadium lights.

He was staring at the crowd, his body stiff but ready to move if there was a need, and it hit me like a twelve-ton truck.

I knew that man.

Knew that strong jaw.

Knew that wavy black hair.

The elbow with the scar.

The way he held himself, even fourteen years later, was the same as he had when he was a teenager.

My belly clenched, and I found it hard to breathe.

His beard was different, fuller maybe. He had lines at the sides of his eyes that told about a hard fourteen years.

The tell-tale sign that this was the man who had held my heart, for what felt like a lifetime, was the white shock of hair at the bottom of his chin. The curly locks were distinctive, and had made me want to laugh when the man had been eighteen.

Now, at thirty-two, it looked like he owned it.

Then he’d been self-conscious; now…well, now, it didn’t look like the man had a self-conscious bone in his body.

The crowd on the field parted, and the kid I’d seen talking to the coach earlier, emerged.

He looked into the stands, worry in his eyes, and found the man standing on the rails.

He pointed, the man from my past pointed back, and everyone let out the breath they’d been holding.

I, on the other hand, was in danger of passing out.

I was lightheaded, sick to my stomach, and angry all at the same time.

How dare he?

How dare he show up now when I was just finally starting to get my act together! Finally moving out from under my mother and father’s thumbs.

Shit!

“I’ll be right back,” I said to Tally. “I need to use the restroom.”

With that, I stood up, inched through the crowd of parents who were still strung too tight from the call that was just made, and made my way down the bleachers.

I had to walk directly past Jessie to do it, too.

I’d almost gotten to him when he finally decided to climb back down off of the railing, inadvertently knocking into me when his ass hit my shoulder in his haste to move.

“Sorry,” he muttered, not bothering to look up at me.

I gasped, and his eyes finally came to me.

The instant they connected, I knew he knew it was me. I also knew that he wasn’t happy to see me, seeing as his eyes went from apologetic to blank in a matter of moments.

He didn’t say a word as he turned around and walked down the bleachers in front of me.

I, on the other hand, had no other choice but to follow him or look stupid because I was the one who got up to walk this way anyway.

I watched his back as he threaded his way through the crowd, all the while my heart was hammering and tears clogged my throat.

The memories started to assault me before I could halt them.

The way he kissed me on the corner of my mouth, his tongue sweeping along my lower lip before he’d back away quickly.

His arms wrapping around my shoulders, pulling me close and holding me tight as I cried about something only a teenage girl would cry about.

My first time meeting Jessie’s son, Linc. The way Linc had wrapped his arms around my neck, just like his daddy did, and held me tight.

Linc’s second birthday party, with Jessie’s arm tight around my lower back, holding me to him as we watched his son play his little heart out with his friends.

The first time I had sex with him.

The after party of my prom, where we snuck out together to spend some time with each other without my parents insinuating themselves between us.

Yes, I had a lot of great memories.

Then…nothing. One day, he just up and left, and I hadn’t been able to find him again.

I’d spent the next week searching for him. Going to all of his old haunts. I’d even gone as far as to run by his parents’ house, but I’d chickened out about halfway up the driveway and turned around.

By the time I made it to the bathroom, I was lost. So completely and utterly lost that I wanted nothing more than to go home, wrap myself up in a blanket cocoon, not unrolling myself until all of this hurt disappeared or I became stronger.

Both of which were not going to happen.

Firstly, I had to work to support myself. Not to mention that my brother would come searching for me in a few days, and I’d have to explain to him exactly why it was that I was depressed in the first place.

And if my brother knew that Jessie James, my high school love, was in the same motorcycle club as him, I wouldn’t like what would happen afterward.

I’d heard, as we made our way to the football game, that they were going to watch the son of a prospect play. A prospect being a guy who was not yet a member of the club but wanted to be and was working to do just that. Kind of like a biker apprenticeship of sorts.

If Tommy knew that Jessie was trying to ‘patch in,’ as he called it, then shit would go down, and I’d feel terrible all over again.

I was so lost in my thoughts as I went to the bathroom and then washed my hands, that I didn’t even notice that I was done and heading out the door again—the wrong way—until I was locked out and had nowhere to go but through the darkness toward the lights that I could see along the back of the bathrooms.

“What are you doing here?”

The harshness of the voice in the shadows had me halting, and I turned to look at the darkness, knowing that Jessie was the owner of that dark, husky voice.

“I’m here because my boyfriend and my brother are here,” I managed to squeak out. “I didn’t know you were here, too, or I wouldn’t have come.”

Silence.

“Good to know.”

Jessie emerged from the shadows, and I had to fight the urge to throw myself into his arms.

“Keep it that way.”

Then he was gone, and I was left wondering what in the hell had happened to the sweet man who had been there for me when I needed him the most.

***

“It’s nice,” I lied.

It was nice, but it wasn’t my cup of tea. I liked city living. I liked being only a few short minutes away from the shopping mall or the grocery store.

What I didn’t like were the thirty minutes it took to get out here and the way Sean was watching me with intense eyes.

“You think you could live out here?”

I paused. “Ummm,” I hesitated. “Yeah, I guess. I mean I suppose, if I had no other choice. Why?”

He looked at me like I’d just broken his heart.

“No reason.” He cleared his throat and turned away. “You ready?”

I nodded thankfully as I climbed on the back of the bike after him.

The entire way to my house, I questioned what I was about to do.

But I knew that I had to do it. I knew that I couldn’t let this go on anymore without saying what was on my mind.

The moment we parked outside of the house where I was staying, I dismounted, my heart in my throat.

“What’s wrong?”

Sean’s worried words brought my eyes up to his, and I knew he read what I was about to say before I said it.

“Ellen…”

I held up my hand. “I can’t do this. You’re a great guy. You’re sweet, nice and funny. You’re going to make some woman a great husband one day, but that woman will not be me. I can’t do this anymore.”

Sean’s hand came up to cup my face, but I stepped away.

“No.”

He looked at me as if I’d burned him.

My eyes closed.

“It’s not you, it’s me,” I whispered.

He laughed darkly. “Words that no man ever wants to hear, but oddly enough, I’ve heard that before.”

My eyelids slid open, and I stared at the man who was obviously upset in front of me.

“I’m sorry.”

The words were barely a whisper.

But I knew. The moment that I saw him, Jessie, I knew that I couldn’t do this with Sean anymore. It only took one single eye lock between Jessie and I to realize that what Sean and I had wasn’t enough.

It’d been years since I’d last seen Jessie, and I knew, almost immediately, that what Sean and I had wasn’t working. This relationship wasn’t what I wanted or hoped it would be, and it wasn’t what I needed.

I wasn’t saying that Jessie was what I needed, but I couldn’t be with a man who I didn’t feel strongly about.

“Is there someone else?” he asked.

So, he had noticed my glances, even though I’d tried to hide them.

I opened my mouth to reply, but he held up his hand. He deserved to hear the truth, and he deserved to know exactly why I was ending things between us.

“Don’t answer that.”

I snapped my mouth shut and nodded once.

Sean lifted his arm and ran his hand through his hair.

“I’ll see you around some time.”

He shot me a pained look.

“Yeah,” he grunted. “We’ll see about that.”

With that he was gone, accelerating his motorcycle out of my neighborhood as fast as he could safely get out of there.

And I was left wondering why I just broke it off with a good guy who clearly cared about me.

But just thinking of Jessie made me realize that it would’ve never worked.

A man like Sean wouldn’t appreciate being compared to a man from my past, especially when he had absolutely no chance of ever living up to my teenage memories.

I pulled out my keys and walked into my house, grateful that I lived alone, because as soon as the door closed behind me, I burst into tears.