CHAPTER NINETEEN
I love you.
They were the first words Sarah heard inside her head when she woke, in Calvin’s bed. Three words she’d never thought he’d ever say again…but that she’d still secretly longed for. Every single second of the past ten years, if she were finally being completely honest with herself.
He’d shocked her with his profession, even if she hadn’t been shocked by their explosive lovemaking. How could she be, when making love with him, when being that close again, had been inevitable?
And yet what had made being with him so amazing, the real reason his every kiss and touch took her breath away, was because of their connection. Even ten years apart couldn’t break the strong emotional current that had always run between them.
Unfortunately, recognizing the steady strength of their bond didn’t help anything else make sense—it didn’t mean that things between them could work beyond one beautiful sunrise.
Being with Calvin would mean being a steady, stable part of his sister’s life.
Being with Calvin would mean being a part of Summer Lake permanently.
Being with Calvin meant letting go of the brass ring and giving up all of her dreams for something bigger, dreams that her father had helped to nurture.
And all of those things terrified her.
Fully awake now, she needed to call over to the hospital to check on her grandmother and mother. Unable to find a phone in his bedroom—so different from the way she normally slept, with her cell phone on the mattress beside her—she found a robe on the back of his door and put it on.
She hadn’t felt shy when they were making love, but as she stepped out into the kitchen wearing his robe, she did. “Good morning.”
He looked up with a smile from the stove where he was turning over pancakes. Jordan sat at the breakfast bar reading a book and said, “Hi, Sarah.”
It was a little bit of a shock to be greeted so casually by the young girl. Was Jordan used to having women spend the night with her brother? Jealousy rode Sarah like an out-of-control Mustang hell-bent on escaping its pen, even though she knew he would never parade women in front of his sister. The sister he had given up everything to take care of.
“Your grandmother is doing great.” His voice was warm, and his eyes were even warmer as he took in his robe over her naked skin. “I spoke to your mom a little while ago, and she said Olive was awake and asking for her knitting needles.”
Relief flooded her as she leaned against the island. “I wish I could head straight back to the hospital to see her, but I promised to run the store today.”
“I’d like to come with you tonight to see her, if you don’t mind.”
Sarah wanted to throw herself on him, plant kisses all over his face. But he’d already given her so much. Too much. More than she had any right to expect.
And she was scared. So damn scared.
“Can I come too?” Jordan shoved another huge bite of pancake into her mouth before adding, “I really like Olive. She comes into our class sometimes to read us books.”
“Of course you can come. Both of you.” Still feeling horribly awkward in their cozy family kitchen, as though she were the only piece that didn’t fit in an already finished puzzle, she started backing out of the room. “If you don’t mind, Calvin, I’m just going to take a quick shower, and then I’ll be out of your hair.”
But he was already sliding a plate of steaming pancakes on the counter. “Sit first. You need to eat.”
She would have denied it in her effort to get the heck out of there, but her stomach confirmed the truth of its emptiness with a loud growl before she could, leaving her no choice but to sit on a stool and pour syrup over the pancakes.
“I’m really sorry about your grandmother not feeling good,” Jordan said as she forked up another bite. “Calvin told me she was coughing a lot. I had pneumonia once when I was a little kid, and it was really awful.”
“Oh, that’s nice of you,” Sarah said stiffly, feeling as far out of her element as she could be in the too-big robe with bed-head, eating pancakes in Calvin’s kitchen with the sister he’d raised alone from a baby. Raised entirely without her help, even though he’d asked.
This life—breakfast around the table together, with the view out over the water, and the whole town on their side—could have been hers. But she’d turned her back on it completely.
Trying to think of something, anything to say, she asked, “How’s the knitting going?” She was surprised by Jordan’s crooked smile. What a smart, pretty girl she was and so lucky to have such a great brother.
“It’s going okay.”
Calvin’s face lit up with pride. “She’s almost finished a scarf.”
“Wow,” Sarah said casually, not wanting to make too big a deal out of it, but wanting Jordan to know how impressed she was. “That’s awesome. I’d love to see it when you’re done.” And then she took a bite of her pancake. “Oh my God. This is amazing.” She licked her lips again, closed her eyes as she took another bite. Her mouth was half full as she said, “I’ve never had pancakes this good.”
Calvin was smiling at her when she opened her eyes, but his eyes were full of heat.
And the love he’d professed less than an hour before.
Jordan finished her last bite, slid off her seat, put her plate into the dishwasher, then walked out of the kitchen, leaving them alone. Wanting to look anywhere but at Calvin, Sarah swept her glance around what she could see of his kitchen, living room, and dining room.
His home was classic Adirondack with two stories, a large screened-in front porch, and a shingled front. The windows were framed in red, and the rails of the stairs and the porch were glossy logs.
“You have a beautiful house.”
It was the perfect home in the perfect setting—one she could have been living in all this time if she’d only stayed.
“I dreamed about building this place for a long time. William Sullivan, and Jean and Henry Kane—they all helped me make it a reality.”
Calvin had always said he was going to build his own house one day. He’d done it, creating a real home for himself and his sister—so different from the cramped, dingy trailer he had grown up in.
She lifted her gaze to tell him this, and that’s when she realized he hadn’t taken his eyes off her for one single second. The edge of darkness, the throb of heat—and love—in his gaze, ran little bolts of electricity down her spine. At which point Sarah’s heartbeat kicked up so hard and fast she dropped her fork, the tines clanging on the edge of her plate.
* * *
“Whatever you’re thinking, whatever you’re feeling,” Calvin said in a gentle voice, “it’s going to be okay. I promise it will.”
He could see that she was on the verge of running from him again, trying to recover the distance they’d erased in his bed with the sunrise shining in on them. Which she confirmed by saying, “You were amazing last night. Thank you for being there. Not just for me, but for my mother and grandmother too.”
“You don’t have to thank me for anything, sweetheart. Not one single thing.”
He saw the flare of pleasure in her eyes at the endearment, along with the way it quickly morphed into panic. “What happened this morning—” She paused. “It was incredible, but—”
He put a finger over her lips. “Don’t overthink it.”
She laid her hand over his, resting it there for a moment before moving it away so that she could speak. “We have to think about it. About what we’re doing. About the fact that it can’t possibly work.”
Watching her pull away from him again, feeling it in her every word, every panicked glance—someone else might have seen proof of everything he’d thought was true. That nothing had really changed from when they were kids. That she wasn’t going to stick through the hard stuff this time either.
But Calvin knew better. Knew that there was one big difference this time around: He wasn’t going to make the mistake he’d made ten years ago. Because the second time around, he simply refused to lose faith in her.
His life had never been easy. Hell, in those early days, weeks, years after losing his parents, he hadn’t known how things were going to work out. All he’d known was that if he lost faith in his ability to take care of his sister and himself, then he would have been lost altogether.
Now, he had to believe he and Sarah would work things out too. Had to believe that together they’d find their way back to love. To a bigger, better, stronger love than they’d had before.
Because not believing it—and having to let her go again—would destroy him.
That was why he was going to believe—and let himself love her the way he always had, fully, completely, body, heart, and soul—every single second, from here forward.
“Let’s take it hour by hour, sweetheart. Day by day.”
Hope flared in her eyes again before she tamped down on it. “But everything that happened between us—”
“Is all in the past now. We don’t have to go back there again.”
From their blowup in the bar, to the words they’d hurled at each other in the boathouse, and then that moment he’d pulled her into his arms on the carousel, when she’d sobbed out her pain against his chest and they’d both honestly apologized to each other—at long last, they were finished with having to go back to eighteen. Back to a place where neither of them had been anywhere near mature enough to know how to love the other person right.
“But I thought we agreed that you have wide-open skies and I have flashing city lights? That isn’t changing, Calvin.”
“I may have the open spaces of this town, but I also have an empty space inside of me that no amount of blue sky could ever fill. Only you can do that.” He put his hand on her cheek. “When I’m with you, I don’t feel empty anymore.”
“And you make me feel warm again,” she whispered. Then her eyes opened wide with alarm, as if she had only just realized what she’d said.
Yanking herself back from his touch, she said, “It’s still a mistake. No matter how much I wish it weren’t.” Her blue eyes were sad, resigned. “Being with you again was beautiful. And even though I should, I can’t make myself wish it didn’t happen.” She slid off her stool, picked up her plate, and held it up like a shield between them. “But none of that changes the fact that making love is still a mistake we can never repeat.”