Something has shifted. Not sure what it is.

But Ethan has been out of his home office more, banging around the kitchen, walking around the house, and even venturing upstairs, which I now call Neverland since he banished us here. Ever since the episode in the gym and shower the other night, we’ve been gravitating towards each other, like two molecules hovering and swirling near each other, never quite connecting. Not a very scientifically accurate, but that’s how it feels.

He’s not as super strict as before. Though I’m respectful of his rules by staying upstairs, he hasn’t barked at me, hasn’t come to check my door at night, but I know he wants to see me. It’s like he’s been trying to do it in a more…organic way.

Every so often, he’ll appear in the doorway to the nursery to say things like, “Did you call me?”

“No…”

“Oh, I thought I heard my name. Well, in any case, text if you need anything.”

“I will.” I smile.

“But you can come in…if you want.” I gesture to the colorful foam floor mat where Lilly Belle is busy reaching for a plush bear, a line of drool sliding from her lips in her intense concentration.

At first, he seems to think it’s a bad idea, then he walks in, but instead of sitting on the floor with us, he sits on the edge of the glider, knees apart, hands together. He looks more casual than I’ve ever seen him, in sweatpants and T-shirt. He looks younger, like a kid my age. “What’s she up to?”

I’m confused by his sudden interest, though happy for it. “She…is getting ready to crawl any day now. I have to ask Wilson to order the gates.”

“The gates?” His eyebrows dance.

“For the top of the stairs? To make sure she doesn’t fall when she starts getting more mobile?” He really is clueless about babies. I don’t know what else to say to him. Do we talk about the other night? Do we continue to pretend like it’s nothing? Like bending over so he can lick my ass in the shower is all part of the job description?

I have to admit, I liked it. I’m not sure if it was because of the physical sensation, or because it was Ethan, of all people, kissing my ass, because he’s so incredibly sexy, but I’m not sure it matters. Sex is all in the mind, and if I like what he did to me it’s because of how it made me feel about him.

The question is, do we need to stop, or is this going somewhere?

“Ethan,” I begin saying. My sigh comes out heavier than intended. “I’m not sure where we stand…exactly.”

“Do we need to know?” he counters, leaning back in the chair.

“Well, yes. This is tricky territory, don’t you think? I don’t want to jeopardize my job, but I also need to know what you’re thinking.” Oof, wrong words. Ethan isn’t the type of man who likes talking about what’s thinking or feeling, much less to a needy woman.

He glances away at the window then down at his phone. Finally, he casts a look at me, blue eyes slicing through me. “You won’t get fired. You’re amazing at what you do, Penelope. I mean, look at you.”

I smile and breathe out in relief. “Thanks.” I pat down Lilly Belle’s diapered butt. “But she makes it easy.”

“You make it easier. I couldn’t do this.” He’s quiet for a while, as he watches me and Silly Lilly. There’s something deeper than what he’s trying to say, and I’m not sure what it is. I don’t want to pry, though. Something tells me that if I push him, he’ll pull away.

“About the other night…” he begins. “It was…amazing.”

Whoa…yes. My heart soars, released from its holding pattern. No, it doesn’t mean anything more than that—amazing—but at least it wasn’t a mistake in his eyes. “It was,” I say.

“I’m sure you’ve noticed I can be difficult.”

“You? Hell, no. I’ve never worked for a jollier man.” I give him a smartass smile.

Luckily, he takes the jab, then moves to the floor where he sits cross-legged. Picking up the little plush bear, he moves it closer to the baby where she can easily reach it. I take it and push it back.

“We want her to work for it. You know…goals.” I laugh.

“Got it. Anyway, I know you overheard my mother the other day. My relationships with my family haven’t always been what they should be. Lots of things in my past have made me…reticent.”

That’s what I figured, that there was more to the story. “I’m sorry to hear. What kinds of things went on between you all?” I figure since he’s the one who opened this door, it’s okay to ask.

At this, he sucks in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. Now, he takes the plush bear and wiggles it back and forth to make it look like it’s dancing. Lilly Belle responds by pumping her little arms and legs even harder to try and get it. “It’s long and boring and honestly…”

“You don’t want to talk about it.”

“No, I don’t.”

“It’s okay.” It’s enough. For now. I mean, I don’t know if we’re ever going to talk more, if this is a “thing” between us, if we are a “thing.” At least he’s opened up a bit. So if he recognizes that he can be difficult, does that mean he can address it, work past it? Not that he has to, but I feel like it would make him a happier person. “I’ve had problems, too. Maybe not the same ones, but…”

“You? You look like you come from a great family.”

“I do. They’re the best. My mom works hard, my dad works hard…it’s just that we’ve always had to struggle. You know. Money. It’s always been an issue.”

He scoffs, shakes his head. “Money isn’t the big Band-Aid everyone thinks it is.”

“Only rich people say that, Ethan,” I roll my eyes in his direction. “You don’t think money is a big deal until you don’t have any, so trust me—it’s a big deal.”

“Fine, I accept that. I’m only saying it’s one of life’s biggest lies.”

“What is?” I ask. Lilly Belle lunges forward, grabs the bear, and shoves it into her mouth. “Yes! She did it.”

He sniffs a laugh under his breath. “See what I mean? You love the little things. You’re so good at what you do. I suck at this. I suck at babies. I suck at home life, at domestication, even though I admire it.”

“Wow, I didn’t know you admired it.”

“I do. I should voice my appreciation more. What I meant before is, money might solve problems but it doesn’t make you happy. Happiness has to come from somewhere else.”

“Most people say ‘within.’” I crack a smile.

“I can’t agree with that, because that hasn’t been the case for me.” He says it so somberly, it only confirms my belief that Ethan is a tortured soul. “I’ve worked hard all my life for validation, to have things, to build a company from the ground, and it still doesn’t fill that void.”

Good Lord. This man has all the money he could ever possibly want, a gorgeous mansion, he’s blessed with handsome, dashing looks and talent for making my toes curl, even has this beautiful little gift called Lilly Belle who hasn’t ignited his soul yet, and he talks about a void? Like, in his heart? Wow. I don’t know if anything could ever make him happy.

I want so much to ask him about whether adoption is in the cards for Lilly Belle or not. I want to know what’s real. At this point, I just want him to trust me enough to mention it, come clean. Just like he wanted me to trust him during sex.

Trust—it works both ways.

Could Ethan and I ever be together? Or will he always be this confusing and difficult?

“I could make you happy,” I blurt out suddenly.

My words. Mine. Words that came out of my mouth.

I don’t know why I said that. I blink several times to make sure it was real. What in the fuck would possess me to say such a thing? Still, I believe it’s true. If he would give me a chance, I could share my happiness. I have plenty. I had a great life growing up, and I could show him how love is supposed to be. My parents showed me and my siblings, and I could show him how a happy life is supposed to go down.

I just don’t know that I should.

“That’s quite possibly the loveliest thing anyone has ever said to me,” Ethan says, studying my face like I’m some strange specimen of bird or flower, his bright gaze flitting over my features. The next thing I know, he’s leaning over the plush bear to take my face in his hand and kissing me. Softly, sweetly, with purpose.

When the moment dissolves, Lilly Belle is staring up at us. “Bababababa,” she says.

Once Silly Lilly goes down for her nap, Ethan leads me to his room on the opposite side of the house. I’ve been here two weeks, yet I’ve never seen where he sleeps. I feel like I’ve entered Oz, another dimension, the “upside down.” Walls are painted a peaceful light gray, and his bed is perfectly made, of course. My stomach hurts from how nervous I am. We’ve had sex twice now, but this feels different.

“When baby sleeps, the parents sleep, right?” Sitting me on the edge of his bed and lowering his face to kiss me again, he’s in no hurry to get me undressed. Did he just call us “parents?”

We kiss, and with each kiss, I feel myself connecting to his mind and soul a little more. Soon, we’re lying in bed kissing for what feels like hours, my body yearning for more but my heart only wanting this. Kisses. Hands in my hair, on my face, sliding down my back. Kisses, deep and intimate. More intimate than anything else we’ve done together. Ethan knew what was missing. I didn’t think he was capable of holding himself back physically, but maybe I don’t know him that well. Scratch that—I know I don’t know him that well.

What is happening?

Why is he ravaging me one night then making love to my mouth the next? Where are we going on this journey? It seems that we don’t know and we don’t care. We’re just going to ride this wave until it breaks and then we’ll find out where we stand once we land ashore.

All I know is that his hands entwined in mine feel like I’ve always known them. Like they were meant for mine. I know he’s had to have touched dozens of women in his life so far, but right now, his big, strong hands are mine. These perfect nails, his perfect veins roping over his skin, so sexy, I can’t stand it. But he doesn’t want more than this tonight. He only wants to hold me. And kiss. And sleep.

And I’m good with it.

So good, in fact, I fall asleep dreaming this is my life—forever.