JULIA TRIED TO shake the little shiver that seemed to cling to her skin whenever Ferro was around. It would be so convenient to blame the Alaskan chill, but it wasn’t really fair or accurate since she’d felt this way ever since their kiss on the balcony.
She wrapped her shawl more tightly around her shoulders. Red, which was unusual for her, paired with matching shoes and lipstick, and a fitted black dress, all provided by her stylist with explicit instructions. Along with every other outfit she would wear this weekend.
True horror had been discovering that her very helpful assistant, who did not know her affair with Ferro was fake because she couldn’t have anyone privy to that, had ensured that a different horrifically see-through negligee was provided for every night.
This had prompted her to send Thad a very angry text message about her being in the frozen tundra. His response had been that skin-to-skin contact was the best way to reduce hypothermia. He suggested she get that “delicious bastard” naked and snuggle up for safety.
Her follow-up text had been unrepeatable in polite society.
Ferro was waiting for her at the bar in the hotel restaurant, a glass of whiskey in hand.
“That ought to warm you up,” she said.
His dark brows shot up. “Who said I needed to be warmed up?”
“Earlier you said you didn’t like to be cold.”
His lips curved into a half smile. “I guess I did.” He knocked back the rest of the whiskey, his face remaining placid when she knew his throat had to burn. “Let’s get a table.”
“Sure.”
Ferro flagged down the hostess and she led them across the restaurant, decked out in the same rustic sophistication as the rest of the hotel. They were seated in a corner at a table fashioned from a ring of log and polished so that it was smooth.
“I really like it here,” she said when they were seated. “It all kind of reminds me of something from a fantasy movie. I can imagine dwarves eating here. Though, it would need to be more rustic and less polished. But the idea, I mean.”
If biting her tongue would take the stupid, revealing statement back, then she would do it. What was it about Ferro that brought her inner geek out in full force? Maybe it was just that she wasn’t used to spending so much time with someone who wasn’t a part of her inner circle. She didn’t have to play around with Thad, he knew her, he kept her on track. Her stylist, Sophie, had seen her at her worst in terms of wardrobe and she didn’t seem to care at all.
And her employees, well, most of them were as out of the mainstream as she was. But with Ferro, before this, she’d tried to maintain her image. Because he was one of the enemies, and she never wanted him to see a hole in her armor. Had never wanted him to catch a glimpse of just how human she was.
And that came from the fact that Ferro himself seemed inhuman.
He was a wall of unreadable emotion. Pure granite.
Soft little things like herself were easily squished by something as immobile as rock, and she should remember that. And not think about their kiss. Or the shiver that went over her skin whenever she looked into those dark, fathomless eyes.
But then he surprised her. “Perhaps you should use it as an inspiration for a game setting. For your phone. We could coordinate and make one that runs on my phone’s platform, as well.”
“Oh, that would be fun. Could be one where you build your fantasy world and try to create bigger cities.”
“And you can create armies.”
“Or live peacefully and hunt and gather,” she said, picking her menu up.
“I think it would be a good idea.”
“See? Passion. It helps.”
“Personally I prefer control. Then things aren’t as random. They’re much more predictable. Much more orderly.”
“Oh, but Ferro, you never reach the heights.”
Something in his eyes changed, darkened, his gaze lowering to her lips. She could feel them tingle, just from him looking at them. Well, her lips and parts lower, and she didn’t even want to think about that. About how he’d managed such a feat.
With just a look.
“I’m going to get the salmon,” she said, doing her best to defuse the tension that seemed to only be felt on her end. “Though I feel a little disloyal to my iron friend in the lobby.”
“You have a ruthless streak in you, Julia,” he said, his voice husky. “I’ll have what you’re having.”
He put his menu down and leaned back in his chair, his dark eyes never leaving hers. She felt like she was being hunted. A strange, and oddly exhilarating feeling.
“It goes with the passion. Even when it’s against my better judgment…I make decisions that are led by emotion. Clearly, or I wouldn’t be here. My desire to cut Hamlin out of the picture, to advance my company, my baby, well, that trumps common sense. That’s the catch to passion.”
“Oh, there’s far more than one catch to passion.”
“Is there?”
“Yes, passion is extremely selfish. It’s personal. And when fueled, it only becomes hungrier. It demands satisfaction no matter the cost.”
Her eyes were drawn to his lips now. To the way he spoke the words. The way they moved. She knew how expert they were. How adeptly they could awaken her body.
Passion, just like he was saying, only grew hungrier the more it was fed. Apparently that was true of physical passion, too.
She had limited to no experience with that.
Another thing she kept quiet. Another thing she didn’t advertise because, OMG as if she wasn’t enough of a geek, she was also still a virgin. At twenty-five. Her only experience had been violent, painful. She was so thankful it had stopped before he’d managed to rape her, because she knew that had been his intent. But even so, it had crippled her confidence with the opposite sex, no matter how much she liked to pretend it didn’t.
Maybe that was why she said yes to dates with guys who only wanted her money. Because they were nonthreatening. Because they wouldn’t want her.
Even without having a lot of experience with passion, passion that went beyond sci-fi and fantasy films, she could feel the truth of his words. Oh, boy, could she feel them. The shivery feeling was back with a vengeance.
“Is that…I mean, is that so bad when both parties involved are…passionate about the same thing?” She cleared her throat and stumbled on. “You and…and me for example. With the business stuff, I mean. So, I’m very passionate about the Barrows deal and you’re…well, you want it, and while we both want it for how it benefits us, in the end, my passion will benefit you and vice versa.”
“That’s nice when it happens, but in my life, what I have seen is that the one with the most power ends up taking control of the game. And you don’t want to be the one out of control.”
“So, summation, in Ferro world, control trumps passion.”
“Every time, cara.”
“But control doesn’t help you think of cool games. Check and mate.”
He laughed, a sound that seemed pulled from him, as though he wasn’t used to it. But she’d heard him laugh a few times. She didn’t know why this one seemed different. More genuine.
“I cannot argue with your logic. On that point.”
“Great.”
Their salmon appeared a few minutes later, with wine, which Julia was very happy to see, all things considered.
They ate in silence for a while, both of them enjoying the view of the lake, which was still brilliant and bright despite the late hour, thanks to the Alaskan summer.
She flashed back to her presentation, nearly two weeks ago now. And she laughed.
“What?” he asked, looking up from his dinner.
“Well,” she said, straightening, “two weeks ago you crashed my presentation and I wanted to kill you, cheerfully, with whatever object was readily available. And now, here we are, sitting across from each other, and I have a knife to my right and I don’t even want to use it on you.”
“We have come a long way.”
“Indeed.” She took a bite of her rice pilaf. “You almost seem civilized.”
“Don’t make that mistake, Julia,” he said.
“Why? You don’t want to have to live up to my expectations?”
“I don’t want you to have expectations that are impossible to have met. Don’t forget, when this is over, all bets are off. And this experience, you and me, it’s not off-the-record. I’m going to remember everything you say to me. Every weakness you show. Every secret you betray. And I will use it against you.”
“You’ve been nothing but honest with me, Ferro. For your sins, you aren’t a liar. So I believe you,” she said, her throat tightening, aching. Strange. “No worries.”
Maybe because he was so determined to not have a moment of connection with her. Maybe because she was starting to feel a connection, however strange, with him.
Something about him certainly touched her, reached deep in her and made her feel things—want things—that she hadn’t really given a lot of thought to wanting in a long time.
What? More kissing? More than kissing? With him? That would be really stupid.
Also, though, really delicious.
Wow, she needed help. Professional grade help.
“Are you ready to go?” he asked.
She nodded. Except if they left, they were going to be back in the hotel room. Alone. Together.
“Maybe,” she said, “maybe we could go…hike?”
“At nine o clock?”
“It’s light out.”
“Bears?”
“Oh. Right. Well, I don’t really want to run into any bears.”
“I didn’t think you would.”
She sucked in a breath. “Okay. The room then.”
Ferro put some bills down on the table. “Since you’re paying for our accommodations.”
“Noble of you,” she said, her stomach tightening. Why was she reacting like this? It was pathetic. She was strung so tight it was unbelievable. “Oh!” She remembered her pajama situation and nearly panicked. “Um, I will meet you at the room.”
“Okay.” He shrugged and turned to go, leaving her there.
She breathed out a long, slow gust of air then headed in the direction of the gift shop. She would get sweats. And then she wouldn’t feel quite so out of place and thrown off with Ferro staying in her room. Maybe. Probably not. But it was worth a shot.
* * *
Ferro reclined on the couch, his eyes on the sky, still illuminated at eleven. Julia had disappeared to take a shower a half hour before, and he was simply lying there, thinking far too much.
Not so much about her naked body beneath the hot spray of water, but of why he shouldn’t think of it.
He was allowing the shame to do its job, to be the reminder he needed for why he wouldn’t allow himself to give in to feeling attraction for her.
He wasn’t just stopping himself from acting, he was stopping himself from wanting.
It was something he was quite accomplished at. He’d learned, early on, to master his body by thinking the right things. Dwelling on the right things. To become aroused when it was needed, to shut it down when it kept him safe.
The bathroom door opened and light spilled into the room in a thin line, that widened until he saw Julia. She was wearing sweats. Gray and baggy and low on her hips, and a black T-shirt with writing on it.
Her hair was captured in a towel on her head.
He tried to remember if he’d ever seen a woman dressed so casually. He had never had a lover. Not a real lover. He’d had clients. Women who paid to be with him. Who paid for him to be their fantasy. And they had their vanity. For him, they were always overly made up, in stiff corsets attempting to defy gravity and nature. As if he had cared. As if there was any way to make the act, or them, more palatable.
Again, he was struck by Julia’s softness. Softness she tried so hard to hide. But it was there, even though it was buried deep. And it fascinated him.
She unwound the towel and threw it back into the bathroom, shaking out her wet hair. It hung, stringy and wavy down her back. She walked to the bed and jumped into the middle of it, pulling her tablet computer from her bag and firing it up, illuminating her face with the bright screen.
She stuck headphones in her ears and started tapping at the screen furiously. Playing a game, he figured, especially when a tiny grunt of frustration escaped her lips.
He couldn’t help but smile. That passion she was such an advocate for. It was quite something to witness. Beautiful.
She was beautiful. He realized it with a jolt, realized that he wasn’t simply observing her beauty as though she were a sunset. But that he felt her beauty. That he wanted to touch it. Possess it.
It was such a strange, sharp ache. A longing that went deep. Something he was sure he must have felt before, but it seemed lost. In a different part of his life. Maybe in a different man. A different man than he’d become.
“What are you playing?”
She startled, her head popping up, her eyes wide. She pulled her headphones off.
“I thought you were asleep,” she said, hand on her chest.
“No. Sorry.”
“So you were just…skulking. In the shadows.”
“I’m lying on the couch, I’m hardly skulking.”
“Lurker.”
He laughed. Strange how she made him laugh. Normally he chose to laugh, just like he chose to smile. It wasn’t involuntary. It wasn’t spontaneous or heartfelt. But she actually pulled something from him. A reaction.
One he couldn’t control, which made him slightly concerned. Resentful, even. That this woman, who was so much a girl in many ways, had this power over him. And yet, something in him also wanted to tempt it. To take it to the edge and see what happened. It was tempting. So very tempting.
How long since anything had excited him? Since anything had made him feel heat beneath his skin.
He was tired of being cold.
And that was his very sad reality. That no matter how warm and opulent his surroundings, he never warmed up inside.
“Guilty,” he said. “I was just admiring your choice of attire.”
“You won’t even believe what Thad packed for me.”
“Your assistant?”
“Yes. He had, well, he had sexy times on his mind so he packed me some…uh…well, not my sweats. But the gift shop accommodated me.”
“I like the sweats,” he said.
Lace, silk, would not have been as compelling. Because right now, Julia was a woman as he had never seen one. Clean, bare in so many ways. Her armor reduced to nothing.
How easy it would be now, to say the right words. To go from the couch to her bed. A kiss that would turn into two kisses. Which would turn into more. He could touch her softness, feed on her heat.
A shudder went through his body. He wanted it. Wanted her. Wanted her body.
The realization of what he was planning, of what he was allowing himself to want, stopped him cold.
Someday, yes, he would take a lover. He had left it far too long. But it wouldn’t be this woman. Not now. He would not under these circumstances.
He could see it in his head.
Your body in exchange for your company. I let Anfalas live without ever tasting interference from me. All I need in return is you. At my command. For my pleasure.
He could do that. Stop all the digging he’d been doing in her company, stop looking for weaknesses to exploit. Offer her payment. And claim her body as his reward.
And he would have become the very thing he hated.
Trading favors. Taking advantage.
No. He would not allow it. He would not give himself the pleasure. Would not put himself through the hell.
He had very little soul left. It cost to get where he was. And what remained was scarred beyond repair. But he would not surrender the rest.
His body throbbed with heat, tormented him with a taste of what could be.
No. Passion was the road to destruction. It was only through control that he would ever find satisfaction. That he would ever be able to find some sort of answer, some sort of peace, for the torment inside him.