JULIA WAS SO filled with energy she had to jiggle her knee beneath the table to keep it from spilling over completely.
“Don’t be nervous,” Ferro said.
“I’m not. Just excited. Everyone will be here soon and we get to pitch out an idea and it is so awesome.”
“Hamlin will be here, too.”
“He’s pitching in the same meeting? Oh. Goody.”
“Not my preference, either. I was only told in my last phone call with Weston just before I got here.”
“At least the CEO called you. He didn’t call me.”
“I’m the lead on the project,” he said, his smile reflecting that easy charm of his. But this time, the teasing seemed genuine.
“Like hell, billionaire man, this is just as much mine as yours.” She reached under the table and grabbed his hand, squeezing him gently. He froze and pulled away.
She was about to say something when the door opened and the board of directors for Barrows, plus all the executives and Scott Hamlin, filed into the room.
Hamlin was clearly taking the “suck-up” approach to the whole thing. His hand was glued to Carl Weston’s back, his laugh too loud and too obvious as they made their way to their seats.
Introductions were made, and Scott got up to give the first presentation. Julia’s confidence and all around smugness increased the longer Hamlin talked about his product. It was nowhere near as sophisticated as theirs. Nowhere near as user friendly or generally awesome.
She had almost tuned him out, his speech was so boring, when he came to the wrap-up.
“In short, I think you’ll find my product to be exactly to the briefing. Inexpensive to manufacture and easy to repair should something go wrong, not that it will. And even more importantly, my company will not put a stain on the reputation of Barrows. At Hamlin Tech we uphold family values. Unlike the sort of values my opponents seem to uphold, or rather denigrate. But then, let’s be honest, we know Mr. Calvaresi is a professional at seducing what he wants out of a woman. And unlike Ms. Anderson, no one at Hamlin has ever sold their body to the competition to get ahead.” He leveled his gaze at Julia when he said the last bit, and it stung. Like a whip across her skin. She knew it wasn’t true, that she’d had Ferro because she wanted him and for no other reason. The irony was him accusing her of selling her body, when it was much closer to Ferro’s truth. But he was just the sort of man who would assume that about a woman, the sort of man who had no respect for women at all. Just another reason to grind him into the dirt with their awesome presentation.
The room was deadly silent when he sat down and Julia waited for someone, anyone to reprimand him. But no one did. She looked at Ferro and the glint in his eye could only be described as deadly.
She leaned in. “Let’s just make the presentation. He doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.”
They stood and she started saying her part, that she’d thankfully rehearsed enough that she only needed a quarter of her brainpower to focus on it. The rest could quietly panic and simmer in humiliation over what had just happened.
Then it was Ferro’s turn to talk about the technical specifications and he did, quickly, his voice getting rougher as he spoke until he turned to Scott Hamlin. “I’m not certain what sort of family values you ascribe to,” he said, addressing the man directly, making no effort to veil where he was directing his words. “But as far as I know, the sexual harassment of employees is not a family value. Furthermore, I don’t care what you think of me. I am everything they say and so much worse. What I had to do to survive on the streets is one long, ugly story, and it is my story. But if you dare to ever imply that Julia has somehow gotten to the position she’s in by any means other than hard work and her sheer brilliance, I will show you some other survival tricks I learned on the streets. And I can guarantee you won’t just walk away from that demonstration.”
The room had reached a new level of quiet. Julia could only stare, her face hot. With anger, with humiliation and with adrenaline. She was proud of Ferro. She wanted to kill Ferro. She couldn’t believe what had just happened.
He took her arm and started to lead her from the room. “Ferro…”
“Call us with your decision,” Ferro tossed over his shoulder as they walked out of the boardroom and into the hall.
“Ferro! You just…you probably just killed that deal for us.”
“They should not have let him say that,” Ferro spat, releasing his hold on her and walking ahead to the elevator. “They should not have let him say such things about you. Someone should have spoken up.”
“In fairness, it might look like I…with you…to get this…”
“Why should you need to? I need you just as much as you need me in this. To imply otherwise is insulting to you as a person and a businesswoman and I will not allow it.”
The elevator doors closed and Julia leaned against the wall, suddenly feeling very tired. “I’ve been insulted more than once in my life, Ferro,” she said “It’s why I don’t go around being all happy-happy joy-joy Julia all the time. It’s why I don’t talk about spaceships and games and my new processor in polite company. I can honestly say, though, that I’ve never been accused of using my body to get what I want. I suppose that’s what I get for having a sex life.”
“It’s wrong.”
“But I’m fine. I would have been fine if you would have just kept your mouth shut and made the presentation.”
He turned to her, dark eyes blazing. “But I wouldn’t have been.” He pushed the button on his phone she knew now called his driver.
The elevator doors slid open and Ferro’s breathing started to normalize, the color draining slightly from his face. As if he’d just realized what he had done. They walked through the glass and steel building, out onto the warm, sunny street.
“Perhaps you should stay at your own house tonight, Julia,” he said.
She nodded slowly. “Okay. I mean…if you really want me to.” She wanted to ask him to change his mind. Wanted to tell him she needed to be with him after a day like today. No one else would understand. But he would, not just because he’d been there, but because it was his life, too. His passion.
She wanted to sit on the couch with him and drink a glass of wine and talk about how horrible the whole thing had been. And then she wanted to spend all night making love with him.
But he wanted her to go home.
“I guess I’ll…” And she realized they didn’t have a reason to see each other again. “I guess I’ll see you,” she said. She hoped it was true.
He nodded once and walked to his car. Julia stuck her hand in her pocket and took out her phone, getting ready to dial her driver. She really should get Ferro’s stupid app because she didn’t want to talk to her driver, she wanted to call for him nonverbally so she didn’t have to say a word past the ache in her throat.
She decided to text him, even though that wasn’t a normal way for her to communicate with him. But it worked. He pulled up five minutes after Ferro had already left.
“Mr. Calvaresi’s house?” he asked.
Her stomach tightened, stealing her breath. Oh, yes, because that’s where she’d gone every night over the course of the past week.
“No. My house. Thanks.”
“Did the presentation go well, Ms. Anderson?”
“No,” she said, leaning her head against the seat. “It did not go well.”
* * *
In the end, she decided to do a big blanket, sweats and a glass of wine on her own. She didn’t need Ferro to sulk with. She could sulk all by herself. And if it was a little lonely, a little cold and a whole lot sadder, then fine. She could deal. She was sulking after all.
She picked up her remote from the couch and hit the stereo button, then pressed Play. A little smooth jazz would make a nice soundtrack to her hard times.
She was a billionaire. She should totally blow off sulking over a man and fly to Paris to sample wine and cheese or something.
No, she wasn’t sulking over a man, though. She was sulking over the presentation. The presentation was the important thing. It was why she’d agreed to the Ferro ruse in the first place.
Ugh. Then why didn’t she care more?
She set her wine on the table beside the couch and drew her knees up to her chest. An alarm pinged, the sound of a vehicle at her gate, and she sat up straight, grabbing the remote again and aiming it at the TV, turning on the security feed.
It was a dark sports car, but she couldn’t see the driver. She hit the intercom button. “Can I help you?”
“I hope you can.”
The sound of Ferro’s voice made her heart jump up into her throat.
“I hope I can, too. Come up.” She pushed the button that released the lock on the gate and sat back down on the couch, wringing her hands. What was she doing? Why had she told him he could come up? She should be all mad at him.
Except she still wanted to be with him. Even when she was mad.
She jumped up from the couch and downed the last of her wine, then looked down at her sweats. “Mmf.” They weren’t exactly what she wanted him to see her in. But then, the other option was stripping down to her undies or further really quick and she wasn’t sure he was here for that.
Anyway, he’d seen her in sweats before. Just not so much since they’d become full-time lovers.
Then he was knocking on the door, heavily, and she didn’t have time to waffle. She set her glass down and went to the door, bent on owning the sweats look now.
She pulled the door open and stood there, her hand on her hip. “What brings you here?”
Ferro looked down at Julia, her curves concealed by her baggy sweats, and he nearly sank to the floor in relief. Just the sight of her did so much to him. Just the thought of her was enough to keep him awake, to drive him from his bed in the middle of the night so he could see her. So he could be near her.
“I could not sleep,” he said, walking in past her.
“Come in.”
Ferro set his computer bag down on the floor and started toward her living room.
Much like their offices. Hers was what she’d thought an important businesswoman might have in her house. Neutrals, large windows that overlooked the sea. Beige and lots of it, with little pops of lime and blue here and there. Sedate and expensive.
It was starkly different to his house, his office. Which was what he’d imagined someone with money should have. Everything he owned was a testament to disposable income, while Julia’s was so much more…normal than she was. Normal and boring. Nothing like her. But it would show the world that she was more like them. Would make her look like less of a bubbly, eccentric genius.
It was a shame. A shame that anything, any man, anyone, had made her hide herself. He wanted to tell her but the words stuck in his throat.
She put her hands on her hips. “Are you blaming me for your lack of sleep, or just coming to share the misery?”
“I am blaming you,” he said, anger so much easier to find than sincerity. “I have never had a problem dealing with sexual frustration, and trust me, Julia, twelve years of celibacy means I had my share.”
Her eyes rounded. “I just assumed you didn’t want sex in all that time.”
“I didn’t want the baggage. The reminder. I missed the orgasms. But it’s not a matter of a cold shower or taking care of things on my own, not now. Not when all I can think of is what’s missing.” The words were broken, scraped his throat raw on the way out. “The way you feel, the way you smell. The way you touch me. You have ruined things for me.”
“Oh, gee, well, thanks.”
“I want you. Now.” Need. It was so much more than want. It was need.
“I…” For a moment, just a moment, she looked like she might say no, and he couldn’t bear it. He was shaking inside, with need, with…he didn’t even know what.
“On our original terms,” he said. “I give the orders, and you say yes.”
Control would help. Control was what he needed. A way to make this all make sense. A way to make it something he recognized. Something he could deal with.
Julia looked into Ferro’s eyes, black, haunted, endless. A man who was wounded, hunted. She could see it. Feel the desperation. He was demanding control because it was the only thing holding him together.
Because it was the only way he could handle things between them.
“Yes,” she said. An agreement she shouldn’t make, but one she needed just as badly as he did.
“Take your top off,” he said.
“Here?” she asked, looking out the windows at the beach. It was a private beach, but even so.
“Modesty from the woman who went stargazing on my roof naked?”
Yes, but that had been different. A moment of connection and sweetness rather than this…intensity that was arcing between them.
“This was not a request, Julia, it was an order. Take off your top, or I am going to leave.”
She caught an even more revealing glimpse then. Of his frayed control. Of the reason behind the orders. And it hit her then that for all his dominant manner, Ferro wasn’t the one in control of this moment. She grabbed the hem of her sweater and pulled it up over her head.
He looked at her breasts, covered by a black bra, and smiled. This wasn’t a light, charming smile. This one was dark. Wicked. Perfect.
“Now your pants.”
She obeyed this time without needing prompting, pushing her sweatpants down her legs and kicking them to the side, the game, the intensity, arousing her past the point of reason.
“Now,” he said, “I want you to go upstairs. Walk ahead of me. Don’t turn around.”
She sucked in a breath and turned away from him, walked toward the curved staircase. She felt completely on display. The stairs were open all the way up to the second floor, making the most of the view. But now, she had the feeling she was the view.
She felt powerful, and vulnerable, weak and strong, at the same time. But then, being with Ferro had that effect on her. With him she felt more secure than she ever had, and more terrified of where her life was heading than she ever had. Happier with what she had, more afraid of the potential loss.
Loss was the only place this could end.
She swallowed hard and kept walking, the marble floor cold beneath her feet, and Ferro’s steps hard and purposeful behind her.
She opened her bedroom door and paused, waiting for her next order, her heart pounding in her ears.
“Get on the bed,” he said. “Look straight ahead.”
She walked to the bed and got on it, as instructed.
“Go to the center, on your knees.”
She obeyed again, her hands trembling as she did. She heard his footsteps behind her, felt the mattress depress as he got on the bed.
She felt the hot press of his mouth in the center of her shoulder blades and she shivered, pleasure streaking through her like a lightning bolt. She started to turn.
“No,” he said. “Look ahead.”
She took a breath and tried to keep her gaze focused on the curtains in front of her.
“Do these open by remote?”
She nodded.
“Where?” he asked.
“Over there.” She indicated a button by the nightstand, and Ferro pressed it. The curtains parted to reveal the ocean, the moon glimmering on the surface of the waves.
“There,” he said, “now you have a view to keep you occupied.”
He pressed a kiss to her shoulder, then replaced his lips with his finger, tracing a line down the center of her back, ending just above the waistband of her panties.
She felt like she was going to die of the slow, erotic torture he was wreaking on her.
“You have a beautiful back, Julia. The first time I felt attraction for you was at the movie premiere, when you had all this skin on display. I didn’t recognize my feelings for what they were. I’d spent too many years ignoring them to identify them easily. But that’s what it was. And it was partly due to this gorgeous back.”
He ran the tip of his finger between her shoulder blades.
Then he reached down and undid the clasp of her bra. It fell forward and down her arms, she took it off the rest of the way, pushing it aside.
He reached around and cupped her breasts, teased her nipples until she was breathing hard. Until she couldn’t think. She kept her eyes fixed on the moon, kept herself from turning around and kissing him.
“Perfect,” he said. “You are so perfect. Now I want you to grab on to your headboard, can you do that for me?”
“Yes.”
She obeyed his command, her heart beating harder now. She wanted to look at him. Wanted to touch him. Wanted to connect with him. This was great, it felt great, but she wanted to see him. Wanted to try to read his emotions. And he wasn’t allowing it.
Then she forgot to be bothered, because as she took ahold of the headboard, he started to tug her panties down, leaving them on just above her knees. Then he gripped her hips and pulled her toward him, pressed an intimate kiss to her damp flesh, slid his tongue through her folds.
Then he straightened, pushing a finger inside her. “Ready for me?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Good.” She could hear him tearing open a condom packet, could hear him undoing the buckle on his belt and a pause while she assumed he was applying the protection.
Then he was pushing inside her, impossibly deep, filling her to the point of discomfort for a moment, before her body acclimated and pain gave way to pleasure.
“Good?” he asked, his voice rough, his movements slow.
The only response she had was a deep moan as she lowered her head and held on to the bed for all she was worth.
He thrust into her hard, one hand braced just beneath her breasts, the other on her hip, as he found his rhythm. She could feel the moment his control started to shred, when each thrust brought a short groan from his lips, his movements becoming more desperate, harder, faster.
Finally she had to look. Had to touch. Had to taste. She turned and captured his mouth with hers.
When she broke the kiss, she looked at his eyes, blank, bleak. A man haunted. A man possessed. He moved his hand to cup her breast, shifted the other one so that it was between her thighs, stroking the source of her pleasure.
And then that was all she could feel. All she could think about. The release that was building in her, drawing her body so tight she was sure it would break her.
But just as she reached her limit, its hold broke, the tension unraveling, sending her into a free fall as endless waves crashed over her, flooded through her. He moved his hands to her hips, stiffening behind her, a harsh growl signaling his own release.
He lay down, bringing her with him, keeping her so that her back was to him. He held her close, saying nothing, his heart pounding heavily, so much so she could feel it echoing in her own body.
He was still dressed. His shirt was scratchy on her back, his belt buckled digging into her butt. “Could you scoot?” she asked. “Or, why don’t you just take your clothes off.”
She turned over and kissed him, but he didn’t kiss her back. “Ferro?”
He sat up and she thought maybe he was going to get undressed. But then he stood and removed the condom, redoing his belt buckle on his way into her bathroom to dispose of the protection.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m leaving.”
Panic clawed at her, and she tried to calm it down. Because it was useless to get all worked up. Useless to show her pain and her worry over such a simple statement. Except she felt the deeper meaning in it. What he was really saying.
Still, she tried to ignore it. Tried to play it down.
“If you’re worried about not having a toothbrush, you can use mine. And before you say gross, I’m pretty sure we’ve swapped enough germs to…”
She trailed off when she looked at his expression. At his eyes. So detached. Unfocused. He wasn’t even looking at her.
“Ferro, don’t do this,” she said.
“Don’t do what, Julia?”
“You know what you’re doing, don’t pretend. You’re trying to put distance between us, that’s what all of this has been about. All of tonight.”
“I don’t have to try to put distance between us. That’s all there has ever been between us. Our bodies have been close, we have not been.”
“That’s not true. It’s not.”
“It is. I’m sorry if that’s a hard truth for you, Julia, but it is.”
“You are such a coward!” she said, screamed, really, because she couldn’t believe what he was doing. Couldn’t believe that he was standing there in slacks and a button up shirt, perfectly pressed still, ready to walk out the door like nothing had happened, while she was naked and rumpled and completely altered by what had happened between them.
“A coward, Julia? Is that what you think? You attribute far too much emotion to me, cara mia.”
“You hide so well, Ferro, you even manage to hide from yourself. But you can’t hide from me. I know you.”
“You think you know me because I told you some stories about my past? Because we slept together?”
“No, I think I know you because I understand how those things made you feel. I understand that you don’t feel all blasé and whatever about your past. I know that it hurts. I know you won’t let yourself move on because you feel dirty. Because you’re so scared. Of what, I don’t know. But you cling to your past like you need it to protect you. To remind you.”
“Look at you pretending you have it all figured out. You’re hiding, too, Julia.”
“I was. You’re right. But…I’m not going to now. I can’t now. I was so afraid to ever trust. How could I trust anyone? Ever. How could I show I was vulnerable? Look what happened to me when I tried. My mother, my own mother, chose a date for me who tried to rape me. Of course I had trouble with it. Of course I hid. But you made me see how great it was to just come out and be me. I trust you. With everything. Everything I have, everything I am. I love you, Ferro. We both deserve more than we’ve given ourselves. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Who cares about the past? We have a present. We have a future, why should the past get all the play?”
“You don’t love me, Julia. You’re just a girl who got introduced to sex and thinks an orgasm is the same as feelings.”
The barb hit its mark, sinking in deep, the pain in her chest radiating outward. Again, she’d shown herself, all of herself, to someone, and again she had been rejected.
“You don’t get to tell me what I feel,” she said, anger propelling her forward rather than letting her hide. “I love you.”
“Dammit, woman, where is your sense of self-preservation? You were better off with your armor than you are showing off all your emotion for the world to see. To use against you. Do you know how easily crushed you are?”
Julia sucked in a breath. “Does my emotion frighten you?” she asked. He said nothing so she pressed on. “I’m sorry my passion and enthusiasm and human emotion make you uncomfortable, Ferro. I am.” She paused, focused on what she felt, on all the emotion that was coursing through her. And she realized how much she’d held back, for so long, in order to please others. She was done with that. Starting now.
“No, you know what? I’m not sorry. I’m done apologizing for being me. I’m done feeling bad for being who I am. I’m a geek. And I laugh too loud, because when I think something is funny, I think it’s really funny. If I like a game or a movie, I really like it. Like, dress up in costume like it. I will never fit in. I will never be normal. And when I love someone…I love with everything. With all of me. Ferro, I love you. If that bothers you, fine. But I’m not going to stop. I’m not going to sublimate it, or play it cool. I’m going to shout it, and feel it, breathe it, live it, and no one is going to tell me I can’t, or it’s wrong, or it’s embarrassing. Yeah, I’m through apologizing. I’m done hiding. I love you. I’m not sorry. So it’s your move now. You have to tell me no if that’s what you want, but you can’t pretend that I don’t know my mind, that this is somehow not real. If you’re going to reject me, you have to face what it is you’re rejecting.”
When she finished, she was breathing hard, but she felt more alive, more her, than she had for years. If Ferro was going to reject her, he had to reject her. Not some polished version of herself she’d created to seem more powerful, more capable. But the version of herself he’d brought back to the surface.
The girl who had had unreserved enjoyment in life, who had cared about everything, from games to prom, so much. The girl she’d stuffed down and hidden to avoid getting hurt. Well, now she was standing with everything out in the open, vulnerable, easily destroyed. But she had to do it. For him. For them.
“This has been an enjoyable arrangement for me,” he said, his voice monotone. “I hate to see it end. However, it’s clear to me that it must.”
She wanted to scream at him. She bit her lip, a tear falling down her cheek. He was hiding. Hiding still. Behind a mask. Behind his scars.
“You know we can’t really go back,” she said. “We’ll never go back to how things were. We were stupid, Ferro. We thought we would control it, but it controlled us.”
“I’ll go back,” he said, his voice hard. “Like it never happened, cara. Because that’s what I do. Sex is nothing to me. Nothing.”
“You don’t mean that. Not with me.”
“As you’ve been such a good lover, I would like to increase your payment.” Another tear fell and she shook her head, begging him, internally, not to do this. But he continued. He bent down and picked up the computer bag he’d brought with him, pulled out a folder. “Everything I have collected on your company over the past five years. Some of it I haven’t even looked at yet. It was for use at a later date. After our peaceable term ended. But I’m giving it to you. With the promise that I will never make an attempt at bringing Anfalas down. You’re safe from me.”
He extended the folder to her, as if he expected her to take it and thank him for it.
“I don’t want it,” she said.
“That’s not how this works, Julia. You gave me sex, I’m giving you payment.”
“I gave you my damn soul, Ferro. You can’t buy that.”
“But I didn’t ask for your soul, my dear.” His special endearment for her, in English for the first time. “I only asked for your body, so it is all I will pay for.”
“You have to cheapen it, don’t you? Not so you’ll understand it, but so you can put it with the rest of the things in your life you’re ashamed of. Because you like shame, don’t you? It keeps you insulated. Keeps you from having to move on. Protects you from your feelings.”
“I don’t have feelings, Julia. Not for you. Not for anyone.”
“Tell me you don’t love me,” she said, because she was perverse, because she had to hear it. “Tell me, and I’ll take your ‘payment’ and I’ll let you go.”
“I don’t love you.”
Another tear rolled down her cheek. “Great. Then it’s really over.” She bent down and took the folder from the bed, held it over her bare breasts, needing cover now. Ashamed of her nudity. She wiped a tear from her cheek and lifted her hand, treating him to her best Vulcan salute. “Live long and prosper. And get the hell out of my house.”
Ferro nodded once and then turned around, walking out of her room, closing the door firmly behind him. Julia sank onto the bed, her legs trembling, her stomach threatening to rebel and release its contents.
She swallowed hard. Then she lay down, still holding the folder tight against her chest, and cried.
* * *
Ferro stormed out of Julia’s house and to his car, the engine roaring to life with the push of a button on his phone.
It was done. What he’d needed to do was done.
He couldn’t stay with her. Couldn’t indulge himself any longer. The woman was too destructive to him. She was too adept at reaching inside him and making him feel things. It was like she was hot-wiring his soul, reconnecting wires that had long ago been cut. Sending jolts of emotion and need and pain through him.
And what it had done to his control was unacceptable. Unprotected sex first, and then his outburst in the meeting. And tonight he’d come to prove that he still had the power in the relationship. That he was in charge. That he was not at the mercy of one skinny blonde who should, by all rights, drive him completely insane.
But when she’d kissed him, kissed him with all her heart, emotion pouring from her, forcing him to feel, he’d known he had lost. And so he’d deferred to his backup plan.
Draw a line beneath the relationship. Make it a transaction, like every sexual encounter that had come before. Make it so she wasn’t different. So she wasn’t essential.
And she had cried. Every tear a drop of acid inside him, burning away the scars, the protection.
He felt like hell. He had betrayed her, like so many other people in her life. He had let her down. He had hurt her.
He had never hated himself more. Not even as he’d stripped down for women he didn’t even want and followed their every command. Not even then.
He got into his car and threw it in Drive, going too fast down the winding driveway that led out to the main highway. He needed to forget. Needed to figure out how to pull emotion from his chest as he’d once done.
To once again separate his desires from his needs. His mind from his body.
But the scent of Julia was on his clothes. His skin. He had a feeling it went down deeper than that. That she had a mark on him, in him, that would not be so easily removed.
The need to do that wasn’t about preserving his business. Wasn’t about preventing outbursts in meetings and undoubtedly costing himself major accounts.
It was just about survival.
He had to find a way to survive.
Suddenly the pain in his chest was so blinding he had to pull his car off the road. He sat and waited, trying to breathe, waiting for the feeling of loss, the feeling of emptiness to pass.
But it didn’t. It just kept crashing over him, wave after relentless wave, and with it, images of Julia. Julia, excited about a project. Julia, rambling about a game. Julia, as she looked when they made love. Julia, crying.
It took him a moment to realize his cheeks were wet, too, like the Julia in his mind’s eye.
He couldn’t remember the last time emotion had had so much control over him, the last time the pieces of himself had felt so united, all of them crying out in pain over the loss of her.
And it was his own fault. He had pushed her away. Because he had been afraid of this. This pain, this loss of his protection. When everything was fragmented, it was easy enough to deal with it all. Emotion went to its own place to be dealt with later, as did the needs of his body.
But since Julia it was all out of his hands, a jumbled up mess inside him.
Just like it was for normal, everyday people.
So this was what it was like to be normal. This was what it was to feel. He hit the steering wheel, hoping the pain on his hand would deaden the pain in his chest.
It didn’t work.
She was right about him. He was a coward. Clinging to the past to protect himself against anything that might happen in the future.
But she’d taken the choice from him. He was stripped bare. Too late for protection, too late to keep himself from feeling.
He would find it again. He had to. He would find a way to rebuild the walls that had been around his heart. He just needed time away from Julia.
And then things could go back to the way they’d been before she walked into his life. All he had to do was forget.