JULIA WOKE UP groggy and twitchy. Room sharing with Ferro was proving to be extremely problematic. First off, the man slept in his underwear. Which she hadn’t noticed when he’d gone to sleep on the couch, he’d laid down before she had, and had been covered with a blanket.
But then, he’d gotten up before her and the sound of him getting out of bed had woken her up, and she’d opened her eyes just in time to see him, his bare, muscular back and his butt, oh, dear heaven, his butt, in nothing but a pair of stretchy black briefs that hugged the contours of his body in such a way that there were no longer very many secrets between them, disappearing into the bathroom.
Then he’d exited the restroom, not dressed, and giving her a clear outline of the rest of his…secrets, in addition to sculpted abs and chest, dusted with just the perfect amount of dark hair.
He was like a walking female fantasy, conjured from her most base desires. A real man, with hair and muscles and all the good things that came with a healthy dose of testosterone.
She’d never craved those things before, not at a real visceral level, not like the sight of him made her crave them.
Because she didn’t let herself. She hated to admit it. She liked to pretend that Michael, that the assault, didn’t matter in a sexual context. Because in her head she knew sex wasn’t like that. She knew that most men wouldn’t hurt her like that. She knew it.
But a part of her didn’t truly believe it. And avoiding sex, and men who wanted it, was so much easier than dissecting how she felt.
So, since guys were hardly beating down her bedroom door, it had been easy to let it go and simply fantasize in private when any needs arose. It was safe that way. She didn’t have to depend on anyone. She didn’t have to trust anyone.
That was the big one.
But Ferro was making her wonder if it was worth the risk to have contact with a body like that. He wouldn’t hurt her, or force her. She knew that much.
And hey, maybe he liked her, too. He had kissed her, after all, and he had to have felt something.
Not that she liked him liked him. She just thought he was hot. Totally different from liking him. She wasn’t a dumb girl with a crush. She was a woman. With needs. She wanted to ravish him, not date him.
She pushed her chicken breast across her plate with her fork. It was time for lunch and the wedding was starting in just a couple of hours. And rather than thinking of her employee on her special day, all she could think about was Ferro’s muscles. Pathetic. Completely pathetic.
She didn’t even like the man. Except she was almost starting to.
But she didn’t really know him. She knew that. She really did. And yet, she couldn’t seem to remember when she was with him. When she was with him, she bought into the smiles. The laughter.
She was seriously pathetic.
Ferro had skipped the lunch, citing work related issues, and that was just fine with her, because she needed the break.
A Ferro break. Wow, she remembered the days, sweet, recent days, when a Ferro break was just needed because she couldn’t deal with his pranks and smugness and general jerkishness.
Now she needed a Ferro break so her neglected hormones could calm down and stop panting after him for attention. Not happening. Nope.
Because if she gave in to this weird, crazy desire for him it would ruin…it would ruin…nothing. Absolutely nothing. She didn’t like him. He didn’t like her. They were rivals bent on taking each other down and right now they were on nothing more than a temporary break from trying to obliterate each other professionally.
So sleeping with him would destroy absolutely nothing. They had no chance at a relationship anyway. She didn’t even want one with him.
Her realization almost made her dizzy.
Except, she wasn’t really the sort of woman who would sleep with a guy she knew she wasn’t going to end up with. Was she?
But she also couldn’t see ever trusting someone enough to have an actual relationship. And she knew she didn’t want to be used for her money, and guys that were just after her for what she could buy them? Those guys were easy to deny. They were ineffective and basically sexless in her eyes.
But Ferro? Ferro didn’t want her money. If he wanted to sleep with her then he would at the very least really want her and not just her status.
Heck, her status meant nothing to him. And anyway, they were already using each other to get a business deal, sans sex, so the using would be physical using, which, as long as she went into it eyes wide-open…
Her mother would be so disappointed in her.
She bit her lip. She’d been taught to treat her body, sex, like it was special.
But her mother had paid for the date who had tried to take her virginity from her. Who had ruined, yeah, she would admit it, the way she saw sex for a really long time. So what did it matter? Her mother had never known what was best for her.
All that aside, what did she have to lose? She was hardly wife and mother material anyway. Maybe, for her, a steamy affair would be the best she could do.
An affair with her enemy.
Now why did that excite her more than it repelled her?
She looked up when a man sat down at her table. Blond, handsome. Not handsome in the same devastating way as Ferro, but not unpleasant, either. Maybe that was the answer. Another man. A more sensible man. And they were in public, safe. Maybe he would be a more sensible choice. A man who could answer this sensual need she seemed to be developing but who wasn’t quite as full-on as Ferro.
And, you know, not someone she classified as an enemy.
“Hi,” she said, smiling, tilting her head to the side and trying to look flirtatious. She’d seen other women do it, she thought she should be able to pull it off. Plus, her boobs looked really good in the dress she was wearing which, really should help capture attention.
“Hi. Julia Anderson, right?”
“Yes,” she said. She didn’t feel breathless, but she tried to sound it because she was pretty sure men liked that. “And you are?”
“David Brown. I saw you sitting here and just had to come over.”
She lifted her shoulder and pushed her arm in, drawing a little attention to her assets. “Really? That’s so nice.”
“I have a product idea that I have to pitch to you.”
After that, her brain just sort of shut down while David, who was looking less and less handsome, started pitching some half-thought-out idea that didn’t have any basis in current technology, or clearly any understanding of how computers worked. Or any idea that walking up to a woman at a wedding and making a business presentation to her was an automatic no.
She was pretty sure when he finished, she shook his hand and thanked him, smiling and pretending like she wasn’t dying inside.
She was so sick of it. Of the fact that when she was no one, no men talked to her. Because she was gangly and liked computers more than she liked going out. And that now she had money and status good-looking men approached her frequently. That people were nice. That they treated her with deference because she had power.
That they were all liars. That she couldn’t trust anything they said, anything they did. Ferro was a bastard, but he was honest. He wasn’t the kind of guy to act charming until he got you alone.
And there was actually a lot to be said about that.
She looked around the room, around the amazing setting. Would she have been friends with this couple if not for her status? If she didn’t buy people the best rooms in the hotel, would they still want her around?
One thing was certain. If she couldn’t throw money at them, she would have to give something of herself. Open herself up to them. And she didn’t like that idea at all.
Ferro didn’t like her much, he didn’t pretend to. He didn’t want to know her, but he might just want to sleep with her. And she could handle that. At least it was clear-cut. At least it was honest.
Right now she would rather have his brutal honesty than a smile from a sycophant.
An affair with her enemy was sounding less and less stupid.
* * *
“You aren’t supposed to wear black to weddings.”
Ferro approached Julia at the reception, a glass of champagne in hand. He’d come in just as the ceremony was starting, after doing some business with China.
Julia turned and his stomach tightened, blood rushing hot and fast through his veins. And he felt it, strong and sure, arousal.
“I have permission,” she said, smiling, her teeth a flash of white against the crimson of her lipstick.
Her blond hair was styled in soft waves, the black dress a simple silhouette that clung tight to her hips and flared out like a bell at her knees, falling softly to the ground from there. But it was the neckline, a plunging V in the front and back, that had his attention.
Her breasts were small, but perfectly formed. And he found himself wondering about them to the point of obsession. Was it due to so many years when his own fantasies had to stay locked inside of himself while he catered to others? So many years spent suppressing desire so he didn’t have to deal with past memories? Was that why it was so strong? Or was it simply Julia?
Forbidden fruit. A temptation he never thought he would be vulnerable to.
Because he had been that for other people and there was no satisfaction there for the object of that kind of lust. It was a selfish desire. It used the other party, until there was nothing left of them. Until they were cold inside.
Unless he made it his mission to satisfy her.
No.
He would not do it. He was stained by his past, every penny he’d ever spent, every penny multiplied, coming from his deepest shame. His entire empire had been built on his back, in a near literal sense. He wouldn’t bring it all back. He wouldn’t.
He hated the rumors. That he had seduced wealthy older women out of their fortunes. But he hated the truth more. That he had been their toy. That he had been bought. That his company was built that way. That his legacy was that of a man who had sold cheaply what should only be given.
So he looked away from her figure. Looked at her eyes. Blue. Clear. Reflecting everything he was starting to think she was: innocence. Goodness. All that armor to cover the sweet and vulnerable that was in her.
“Special permission for the wedding’s benefactor?” he asked, handing her the flute of champagne.
She took it, lifted it to her lips, then lowered it. “I’m hardly the benefactor,” she said.
“You paid for everyone’s accommodations. And you also pay the bride’s salary.”
“I don’t give her money for nothing. She’s a darn fine programmer.”
“Do you know all of your employees?”
She shrugged one bare shoulder. “Not all of them. At a company the size of mine, that’s impossible, but then, you know that.”
“I barely know one of mine. Not below a certain tier,” he said.
“How is that possible?”
“I’m not the kind of boss who does walk-throughs of the office and team meetings and wilderness camping trips where we do trust exercises.”
“Oh. I am. I mean, I’ve done those things,” she said.
“Yes, you are a very…you are a nice person.”
“Thank you,” she said. “You say that like you’re surprised.”
“I don’t know very many nice people.”
“Maybe I’m not that nice, Ferro.”
“Why do you say that?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I guess I’m generous. With money. But not with me. Yeah, I walk through the halls of the office building and I tell everyone good game. I come to their wedding and I buy expensive gifts. But money is so easy to give. It’s a lot harder to give you. To give real friendship.”
“You want people to use you for your money,” he said, the words slipping out.
“I never thought of it that way, but I suppose it’s what I earn, since it’s all I give. Still, human nature being the fickle, hypocritical thing it is, I’ve never cared for being used for my money when I was…trying to make a connection.”
“And men do that to you?”
“Yeah. There are a lot of beautiful women in the world, Ferro, much more beautiful than I am. But there are no women with more money than me. So…doesn’t take a genius to figure out why guys are attracted to me, suddenly.”
“Any man who looks at you and only sees a bank balance is an idiot. How could anyone miss how truly amazing and unique you are?”
Her eyes rounded, his compliment hitting its mark. Except, it had been genuine. He wasn’t trying to seduce. Wasn’t trying to play. Still the words had come out and he knew they had worked. They were drawing her in.
If you want her, you can have her.
No. He wouldn’t.
Still, the temptation burned so hot he was nearly consumed with it. To know what it would be like to take everything he wanted. To explore all her softness. Her innocence.
That was the true shame. It was her innocence, his desire to tear off her armor and expose all that soft sweetness, that called to him and it was those very things that should keep him from ever touching her.
And yet, were she another woman, more jaded, more purposefully seductive, he doubted he would have felt a thing.
It was her differences. The very things that made her forbidden. That was what made her call to him.
“You really think they’re missing something?” she asked.
“Yes,” he said, knowing he should stop. Knowing he should cut her down as effectively as he’d just built her up. Something to get her to stop looking at him with those round blue eyes. Looking at him like he was some kind of hero.
“How can everyone have missed it, Ferro?” she asked. “What is it about me? I don’t really go out of my way to hide the good things about myself. Why does everyone see something wrong with me? Why do people just want to take things from me?”
“The truth? I think you’re too smart for most people. You’re intimidating. And it’s clear you wouldn’t be able to connect with someone who isn’t somewhat exceptional. You’re a challenge, and that frightens some men. Or…makes them want to subdue it.” She flinched when he said that. “Also, I think you don’t really want any of the men who haven’t shown interest in you. I think you’re more in control than you think.”
“Do you?”
“You’re the kind of woman who knows how to go out and get what she wants. A billionaire before age twenty-one, a leader in the technology industry. An amazing feat for your age. Nearly unheard of for your gender. I think you’re in much more control than you give yourself credit for.”
Julia looked down into her champagne, and back up at Ferro. He was impeccably dressed, the lines of the custom suit skimming his physique, a physique she’d seen quite a lot of this morning. Ferro did a good impression of a man who was civilized, and yet, she knew he wasn’t. Not really.
She’d seen beneath the suit this morning. And she was more than a little intrigued.
And he thought she had more control than she gave herself credit for. What would happen if she tried to seduce Ferro? If she went for what she wanted?
He wanted her, too. Well, maybe he did. He had kissed her like he was drowning and she was air back in California, and he’d said that those who didn’t see why she was special were stupid. Which meant he had to think she was.
That was even beside the point. She didn’t need for him to think she was special, she just needed him to want her.
She was ridiculous. A twenty-five-year-old virgin letting so many fears and insecurities hold her back. He was right. Her armor was total bull. She was still just living in fear, living to protect. She wasn’t fortified by her image. She was hiding behind it.
But if she was with Ferro…she could break through the wall. This one big wall of fear that surrounded her. And he would make it crumble. Because Ferro Calvaresi was a master of the game. The kind of man who made women lose their minds for a chance to have his body.
There was a thought.
If you wanted to learn about a subject, you learned from a master. That was just common sense. So if she wanted to learn about sex…
She took a drink of her champagne. Fortification. Much needed. Then she took a step toward him and put her hand on his arm. “And do you like women who are in control?” she asked, going for a sultry tone, though she was pretty sure she sounded a little raspy.
Something in his eyes changed. Darkened. “No.”
“Oh.”
“I like to be in control.”
Something about the way he said it, his voice smooth and rich, melting through her like warm chocolate, made her shiver. Opened up a craving in her that shocked her with its strength.
“Well, that’s…that’s too bad since…since you think I’m in control. But you like to be.” She was botching the seduction. She should have known she would be lame at seduction.
And it sucked because she really did want him. Right now, she wanted him so bad that she ached with it. It was a new and terrifying experience. But it seemed…it seemed like she could do it, too.
With Ferro there would be no feelings, but there would be no games, either. There would be no demands, no force. He wouldn’t trust her, he wouldn’t ask her to trust him. They could give each other pleasure and then…and then go back to how things were.
“Could you…” She hesitated and then took a breath, plunging on. “Could you come out onto the balcony with me?”
“Looking for a repeat performance of our balcony visit in California?”
“If I was?”
“Are there reporters?”
“Probably.”
He held his arm up and she curved hers around it, allowing him to lead her through the room and out onto the wooden terrace. Lanterns hung low in even intervals, casting glowing orbs out onto the lake below.
She took a breath and released it, watching as it lingered in the air, her eyes on the stars. So many stars. More than she’d ever seen before. This place was different. Wild. And she felt different and wild in it.
She turned to Ferro and put her hand on his face, searching his expression for clues. There was nothing there. He was stone. Unreadable, unknowable.
But she wasn’t going to wait for his cue. She was going to give her own. And exercise that control thing he seemed to think she had.
She put her other hand on the back of his neck, lacing her fingers through his hair. And then she closed her eyes, because looking at him didn’t help, he was too handsome to be real, and leaned in, pressing her lips to his.
They were warm, firm. Immobile. So she changed the angle of her head, touched the seam of his mouth with the tip of her tongue.
And then he moved, his arm sliding slowly around her waist, drawing her in tight, crushing her breasts to his chest. He held her there, letting her kiss him, not returning it, not denying it.
“Kiss me,” she said, her lips still pressed to his.
And for a moment, a blinding, blistering moment, he obeyed. His mouth moved over hers, so expert, so incredibly skilled. A shiver went through her body, arousal skating over her skin. The damp slide of his tongue creating an answering wetness between her thighs.
Oh, yes, she wanted him. She wanted him to show her everything she’d been missing.
Then he pulled away suddenly and the air, hitting her where his body had been before, left her chilled.
“What?” she asked.
“Nothing. But that’s quite enough of a public display, don’t you think?” He was breathing hard, she noticed, something he had not done after their kiss in California. And his face looked slightly flushed, hard to tell in the dim light, but she was sure she could see a faint slash of crimson across his sharp cheekbones.
Two things were suddenly apparent to her: he was aroused now. And the first time they kissed he hadn’t been.
She wasn’t totally sure what to feel about either thing.
“I suppose so,” she said. Her own breathing was totally erratic, her heart pounding unevenly. And her legs were shaking.
He turned away from her and walked to the edge of the balcony, leaning down against the railing, his forearms resting on the rough-hewn wood.
She followed him, coming to stand next to him. “I want you,” she said, the words coming out in a rush.
He didn’t react, didn’t move or look at her or anything. He simply stared out at the water.
“Ferro…I—I’m not asking for anything outside of this deal we have. I just want you. In bed. Until all of this is over, and then you walk away with what you want, and I walk away with what I want.”
“A business transaction,” he said, his tone hard and flat.
“Yes. What’s wrong with that?”
He straightened. “I find I have no taste for things like this.”
Hurt burned through her. Was it possible she’d misread him? That he didn’t want her at all? The humiliation was a lot worse than she’d imagined it would be. Yeah, a lot worse. She just felt small all of a sudden. The awkward girl she’d always been.
But of course, she had nothing material to offer Ferro outside of the agreement they already had. So why would he even humor her?
“I’m sorry you find me so distasteful,” she said crisply. And the hurt, anger, pent up from the past ten years of her life, and from her ridiculous encounter, earlier, with David Whatshisname and Ferro’s rejection, built up and boiled over, words spilling out hot and reckless. “Should I have offered you money? Is that an exchange you understand?”
He pushed off from the balcony and turned to face her, his expression anything but blank now, dark eyes blazing with fire. “Careful, cara mia.”
“Forgive me, if I don’t find it a little insulting that you, Ferro Calvaresi, who everyone knows seduced rich older women for their money and status, finds sleeping with me to be distasteful.”
He reached out and grabbed her arm, pulled her back up against him. For the first time, she saw him without any civility. The mask dropped completely. There was no more charm. No more easy smile. No more laughing, mocking playboy. This was the man from the street. The man who had put aside every ounce of morality in order to survive.
He said nothing, he only looked at her. Then he extended his hand and touched her cheekbone, traced a line down to her chin, his eyes never leaving hers. “So you want to talk about my past, do you? You think you understand it because you read a book? Did the details excite you? Stories of my exploits with past lovers? Did you like the part where they said I took a married woman back into the coatroom and had her against a wall while her husband was in the ballroom searching for her? That was my favorite.”
She shook her head, the sense she’d gone too far making her freeze inside. “Ferro…I don’t…”
“But you don’t know the details of it. That makes for a hell of a salacious story. A young stud that women find irresistible. A rogue with no conscience who got gifts based on sexual skill. But that’s sanitized, Julia. The clean version.”
“It can’t be…”
“Yes. It can be. I assume you know what a whore is.”
She blinked, her chest suddenly tight. “Yes.”
“I was hardly the cheerful seducer of lonely women I’m made out to be. I was paid to be there. In their beds. In the coat closet. I was a whore, Julia. Paid for sex. I sold my body to the highest bidder and I did whatever was asked of me, whether I wanted to or not.”
“I can’t… You couldn’t have been. That’s not…”
“You think I’m exaggerating, don’t you?” he asked. “I’m not. I was taken from the streets at sixteen by a woman named Claudia. She was wealthy, older. Looking for a little bit of fun. It had been four days since I’d eaten. I was looking for work but I could hardly stand. The first thing she did was buy me a meal. And after that…how could I say no to whatever she asked? I was starving for food, for touch, for a bed that wasn’t dirt, so I went and I took her money gladly. But I was her pet, Julia. I learned to obey her every command, to be her fantasy lover. But that was never all she had in mind. She wanted to make money off me, too. And she had contacts, other women, women she knew would be willing to pay to have a young man in their bed who did everything they demanded. She taught me English. She taught me to dance. She taught me about art and culture and everything I would need to know to be a pleasing companion. Trained. Like an animal.”
Julia swallowed, her stomach tight, sick.
“You want me to stop, don’t you?” he asked.
She nodded. She did. She didn’t want to know. Because until a moment ago he’d been a fantasy. And now it was far too real. Just hearing about it made her feel like she was covered in dirt. How must he feel?
“It’s too bad, you baited me, now deal with the consequences. You want to talk about my past then you need to know what it really was. I took money for sex. I did whatever my lovers asked me to do and I did it well. I also listened when they talked. The wives of rich men know a lot about money. About investments. I figured out how to make the money I earned grow. It’s hard to leave a lifestyle like that. Where you make hundreds of dollars for an hour’s…work. But eventually it became clear to me that the cost was too high, and I don’t exchange myself anymore. I am not for sale. I am not your pet you can make demands of. I am a man, and I have demands of my own.”
She nodded slowly and backed away from him, breaking his hold on her. She turned and walked back into the ballroom, keeping her head down while she walked through the knot of people.
Her stomach felt like it had a brick in it. Her entire body shaking. How easy it had been to use the idea of his past to judge him. To make herself feel superior to him in some way. How easy it had been to use it against him. To make light of it.
Now she felt like she was being torn apart from the inside out. Felt like she’d been forced to look in on what he’d been through, with nothing to shield her from it.
Ferro was a proud man. And he’d had his pride stripped from him during that part of his life.
Had been forced to belong to other people.
It hurt her he’d been through it. And her vision of him changed. Not the worldly playboy, but the victimized boy. Sixteen and in desperate need of so many things. Of guidance and love, and shelter. And he’d been offered an empty version of those things and had latched onto them. But she saw him now, for what he was.
She’d imagined him as the smooth, suave womanizer. As the man who took gifts with a wink and left his lover sated and satisfied. She hadn’t realized…she’d never imagined that he’d sold himself. His body.
And yes, it disturbed her. But it also made her feel some sort of a strange connection with him. Because she’d had a taste of how dehumanizing, how frightening and horrifying it was to have someone try to take possession of your body when you didn’t want it.
Only he’d done it over and over again. Submitted to it. For survival. It made her ache.
It made her feel too exposed.
But he didn’t want her anyway. And now she didn’t blame him. She’d insulted him past the point of reason. She’d treated him like a whore and, now, knowing his past, she knew he had every right to hate her for it.
She pushed the button for the elevator, about nine times more than she needed to, then stepped in and leaned her head back against the wall, letting it carry her up to her floor. Maybe she should quietly get another room. Put some distance between them.
But she couldn’t do that because if they got caught sleeping separately then the news of a split might come bite them in the butt and that was not what they needed before pitching to Barrows.
She was trapped. Still trapped in this hell of their own making.
She stepped off the elevator and stalked down the hall, sliding her card through the reader. It didn’t go. “Argh!” She slid it again, and was met with a red light. “Oh, you stupid, stupid, stupid thing!” She slid it again. And again. And kicked the door. Then she forked her fingers through her hair and turned around, leaning against the wall, fighting against tears. Against overwhelming misery.
The elevator next to the one she’d just arrived in, opened and Ferro stormed out. He strode toward her, dark eyes locked with hers. He tugged at the knot of his tie and jerked it off his neck, letting it fall to the floor.
He stopped right in front of her, his hand braced on the wall behind her. He leaned in, his lips a whisper from hers. “Don’t walk away from me.”
“Or what?” she asked.
He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her against him. He lowered his hand from the wall and traced the outline of her lips with his thumb.
“You know my secrets now,” he said.
She nodded slowly. “You broke your rule. Don’t confirm or deny.”
“I did. I am also breaking another rule.”
“What’s that?” she asked, her voice breathless this time for real.
“I want,” he said. “I don’t let myself want.”
“You don’t let yourself want…sex?”
“No. I have never had a lover, Julia, does that shock you?”
“But…but you said…I don’t understand.”
“I’ve had sex but I’ve never had a lover. I’ve had clients, not lovers. I have never been with a woman of my choosing, and whatever I have done in a bedroom has been controlled by the other person. I have learned, in those situations, to be nothing more than a body. I detached, as completely as possible, found a fantasy in my mind that allowed me to function and…that’s it. I didn’t have to think. I didn’t have to feel. It’s wasn’t my body then. I didn’t live in it.”
“They all told you what to do?”
He shook his head. “I am an expert at reading people. I know what they want. What they need.” He lowered his head for a moment. “I don’t know what I want. I have never asked myself the question.”
“And…and now?”
“I want you,” he said, raising his gaze, his eyes locking with hers. “On my terms. If you want an arrangement, I’ll give you one. You, in my bed until the deal is finalized at Barrows. In the end, when we part ways, perhaps if it is agreeable to you, you could take a slightly larger share of the product.”
She shook her head. “No. I’m not letting you buy me. If you want me…if you want me, then maybe. But I want to be more than a convenience. More than just someone you thought you could get easily because of our situation. I don’t want to be someone you feel…entitled to.” It was the one thing she couldn’t deal with. That he would feel like he owned her, this moment, for some reason.
“My confession has given you second thoughts?” He released his hold on her.
She bit her lip. “I could say no, but it would be a lie.”
“Come inside.” He pulled a card out of his pocket and slid it through the reader. It, of course, turned green and released the lock on the first try.
She followed him into the room. Her heart pounding hard, her legs shaking. Because she didn’t know what he would get her to agree to. Her body ached. It wanted, regardless of what her mind thought.
He unbuttoned the collar of his shirt, then his sleeves, and turned to face her. It was dark in the room, except for one lamp by the bed, casting everything in a strange, dim glow that made it all seem unreal.
“If you decide you want me, then there would be rules.”
“What rules?”
“You will learn to please me. You will learn what I want. And you will give it me. Your primary goal will be my pleasure. I have never had a lover, Julia, and now that I have decided to take one, it will be on my terms.”
“And what about my pleasure?” she asked, privately thinking that no matter what he did, it would pleasure her.
She should be running the other way. This was so many leagues beyond her. A man like him, well-versed in sex, but with no idea how to please himself.
She didn’t know how to please him, either. And she was a mass of total confusion. On the one hand, she was attracted to him. And that was probably clouding her judgment big time. But mixed with that was the desire to heal him. To give to him where all anyone else had done was take.
Because she understood. How desperately lonely it was when people only used you. And for him, so much worse. A lifetime spent alone on the street. Alone in bed with strangers. Alone at the top of his success.
She also understood how important it was to choose your lover. Part of her was relieved it was happening like this. Not in the heat of the moment, but with a pause for discussion. With a definitive answer from both sides. It made her feel powerful. Made her feel in control. She imagined Ferro felt the same, and shouldn’t it be that way? Shouldn’t both parties want it?
Maybe they could help each other feel less alone. If only for a little bit.
Added to that, being told what to do could only be a help to her. She was after experience, after all. After a little training. And it helped make her not feel quite so afraid of doing the wrong thing. If she was following orders, she couldn’t mess it up.
It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him she’d never had a lover, either. But then she didn’t. There wasn’t enough room for both of their baggage. And she had a feeling that he was on the verge of sending her away. Of retreating into his rules, behind his walls of control.
“And what will you want from a lover?” she asked.
He began to pace, his hands clasped behind his back, his movements smooth and sleek, dangerous like a predatory cat. “Do you want to know? I will not smooth the truth for you. If you want this, you are agreeing to take me. All of me. As I am.”
“Tell me first. Then I’ll decide.”
“I think my lover’s pleasure is important to me,” he said. “You are in luck there. I’ve no interest in taking without giving back.”
As had been done to him. She finished the sentence in her head.
“I will expect you to learn what I like. To learn to give it without asking. You will follow my instructions.”
“And if I don’t want to do something you ask of me?” she asked.
He stopped walking, his eyes meeting hers. “My lover’s pleasure is important to me,” he said. “Always remember that.”
It was on the tip of her tongue. To tell him she understood why this was important to him. To tell him she was a virgin. To tell him why. But she didn’t.
Because she didn’t want him to know, not now. She didn’t want to feel vulnerable. She didn’t want to feel disadvantaged. She looked up at Ferro, her eyes locking with his, and she knew, that with him she wouldn’t feel that way.
He looked like a man possessed of a desire, a man held just as captive by this thing between them as she was. A man who was held by her power. By his need for her.
“If I say no?”
“Then nothing happens. After the position I was put in in life, I would never want a lover who didn’t want me. Desire me to the point of distraction. As I desired her.”
And in that moment she felt strong. For the first time, just being her, having a man look at her, made her feel strong. It made her feel like she could give him this, give him the control, and that he would only reward her for it.
One thing was certain, physically, Ferro would never hurt her. And emotionally…he was her enemy. There was no chance at an emotional entanglement.
Perfect.
Her choice was made. For tonight, whatever he asked, her answer would be yes.
She sucked in a breath, her heart pounding, her stomach sick. “I agree to your terms.”