Chapter8
In the days between Pierce’s dinner with his family and the visit at the condo from the nurse, both Pierce and Kate spent as much time as they could together, though neither one of them let on to the other just what they were doing and why.
For the entire duration of that time, neither one of them said anything about the possible baby or a pregnancy. They both just simply enjoyed the other, going out for meals and walks in the park, dancing and museums, cooking together and watching movies, holding hands and making love nearly everywhere.
It was like a surreal dream to them both, and though it was a great deal of time together, both of them only wanted more of it; wanted it to continue. The day of the nurse’s visit to the condo came, and Pierce was standing in the bathroom shaving, when he happened to reach into the cabinet beneath the sink and saw that stack of packaged pregnancy tests that Kate had been using regularly to home test for positive results. He stood back up and looked in the mirror and thought about the nurse coming to do the blood draw that day, and he realized that he didn’t want to know if she was pregnant. He realized that if the nurse took a draw that was positive, he and Kate would no longer be having sex and all the intimacy between them would be gone. There would be no reason or purpose for it, other than pleasure.
The thought of never touching her again was tough for him to consider. It was as jolting to him as a lightning bolt. He swallowed hard at the realization and tried to push it from his mind, but it stayed there all through the morning as they cooked breakfast together and neither one of them said a word about it.
The nurse came late in the morning and both of them smiled politely, but neither of them said much about it. The nurse did the blood draw and told them that she would call them later with the results.
Pierce left the condo for meetings that he had and business that he needed to tend to, and Kate went to school. She tried to focus on her studies, but she knew full well what result the tests would have, and what the consequence of those results would be, and as much as she had tried to avoid it, her heart hurt. She had trouble focusing in class. All she could think of was Pierce.
It was surprising to her that he didn’t already know. Her body was going through substantial changes even though she was newly pregnant, and as her almost constant lover, she would have guessed that he would have noticed those subtle changes, but either he hadn’t noticed them or he had noticed them and had decided not to say anything.
It was only a few hours later when the nurse called her, and though she already knew what the results were, she knew she had to play it off as a surprise. The nurse was giddy with excitement for her and Pierce, calling with glee to tell them that the pregnancy had taken. She told Kate that she should go in right away for her first baby appointment and more testing and blood work. Kate thanked her and tried to sound as happy as she could. She did not bother to call Pierce because she knew that the nurse would do that.
The nurse did do that. Calling Pierce was second on her list, and when Pierce answered the call, he already had a feeling that he knew what she was going to say, and he was right. Mixed emotions rushed through him. He felt elated and excited over the happy news that he was going to be a father, and simultaneously he felt that his heart might not have ever hurt so much over the acknowledgment that he and Kate were no longer to be lovers. Their work was done, and the reward for it was on the way.
He bought three dozen long stemmed red roses and had them delivered at the same time that he went to go see her. She was waiting for him when he got there, and from the look on his face and the roses, she knew that he had been told. She looked up at him and gave him a slight smile.
“Well, it’s official, Dad,” she said, trying to sound light and happy. “The test came back positive.”
He let the joy in him surface and he grinned and nodded. “Yeah! I’m going to be a dad! It’s all so incredible!” He felt an awkward tension in the air between them, and she knew that he felt it too. It was over for them, though they hadn’t discussed it in a while, and neither one of them was bringing it up.
“The roses are for you. Thank you for all that you’re doing. I guess…” he hesitated, looking at her and wishing that he could just go to her and hold her and kiss her. “I guess it’s time for me to go.” He went to her and kissed her cheek sweetly, and it felt like the most bittersweet heartache that she had ever experienced.
He let her go and turned from her, walking out of the door without looking back. He couldn’t look back, because if he did, he would go to her, and he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t ever do it again.
Ever lasted three days. He did his best to go and remain gone, but the ache in him for her was so great that he finally threw caution to the wind and went back to the condo. She was surprised but happy to see him, although it pained her.
She invited him in when he knocked, and he walked in and stood near her in the living room. “I thought I’d come by to see if you need anything. Do you? Uh… need anything?”
Kate shook her head. “No, I’m fine. I don’t need anything.” She hesitated a moment. “Do you need anything?” she asked, her tone inquisitive.
He shook his head. “I never need anything.” He thought about that statement for a minute after he said it, and narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. He leaned in and kissed her cheek softly, and then after hesitating a moment, he kissed her lips gently, and she kissed him back.
“I might need you…” he whispered, trailing off. “Would that be too much to ask of you?” he whispered, barely daring to look up from the floor into her eyes.
She shook her head. “No,” she said quietly, taking his face in her hands and pressing her lips to his in a tender kiss. “I need you, too.”
He lost his breath and swept her into his arms, kissing her as if it was the first time and the last time, and in no time they found their way to the bedroom and a long sweet night in each other’s arms.
When it was done and they were resting together, he touched her cheek, pushing her blonde curls away. “I promise you that this will only happen while you are here. This is still just business, and when you leave after the baby is born, it will end.”
She nodded. “I know.”
He left in the morning, kissing her goodbye, and when the door closed, she promised herself that she wouldn’t need him when she left after the baby was born.
***
The months passed, and the two lovers remained as lovers, both of them promising that it would end when the baby was born, and she would go. Both of them knew that it couldn’t last beyond that.
When she reached five months of pregnancy, Kate was laying in her bed and Pierce was laying with her, behind her with his arms wrapped around her. He was only snoozing a little, and wasn’t all the way asleep, but a sudden bump against his hand woke him fully. He started and leaned up, looking at Kate’s belly.
Kate stirred and her eyes grew wide as she looked from her belly to Pierce. “Did you feel that?” she asked incredulously.
He laughed softly and nodded. “I did! Was that… was that the baby?” he asked in a quiet hush.
She giggled and nodded. “I think so. Let’s see if it happens again.”
They both lay there together, their hands splayed out over her rounded belly, both of them waiting quietly for what felt like a long piece of eternity, but their patience was rewarded. The tiny one in Kate’s belly gave them another solid kick, placed squarely against Pierce’s hand. They both cried out together in joy, and then laughed.
She sighed and reached up to touch his cheek. “I’m so glad that you were here for this special and beautiful moment. I’m so very glad that we got to share it together.”
He agreed with her, touching his fingertips to her face, tracing the lines and curves there, especially her lips, which were his favorite. “I hope this baby looks just like you,” he said quietly, gazing at her and barely comprehending the beauty that he saw in her.
“I hope that you’re happy with this baby no matter what it looks like.” She smiled at him and he grinned back.
“I will be.” He leaned over and kissed her, and their kisses grew deeper, until they were wrapped around each other making love, as they so often did.
He left for a business trip for three days, and while he was gone, Kate was able to spend some time with Olivia. Olivia had become pregnant as well and was dealing with morning sickness, while Kate wasn’t, but they were both glad to see each other and to get to spend some time together.
“How are things going with Pierce?” Olivia asked, as she often did. She still wasn’t entirely sold on the idea of the two of them carrying on as they were and walking away from it scot free at the end of it all. That was more than she felt would happen easily.
Kate grinned blissfully. “Amazing. He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever known, and I am so lucky to be with him, even if it’s just for a short while. Although,” she added with a slight frown, “it seems like things are getting kind of complicated.”
Olivia was not surprised. “Complicated in what way?”
With a sigh, Kate’s shoulder’s slumped. “Complicated in the way I feel about him. It’s so strong, but I know I’m not staying. We’ve both said it so many times, when the baby is born, the affair is over. That’s it. I just wonder now if that’s really going to be possible or not.”
Olivia shook her head. “You are killing yourself slowly. Do you know what the Thornbirds are? Did you ever see that movie? The Thornbird sings its sweetest song while it impales itself on a massive horrible sharp thorn, supposedly the thorns that were used in Jesus’ crown of thorns. Tragic movie. Always makes me mad and it makes me cry. Anyway, you’re living like a Thornbird right now, singing your sweetest song while you’re impaling yourself on the thorn, knowing full well that it will kill you. You can’t do that. You can’t keep doing that. You two have to quit this. You have to stop seeing each other. You have to stop sleeping together. Quit the sex, carry the baby to term, give birth, walk away without killing yourself on the thorn. Got it? You go strictly platonic.”
Olivia meant what she said and Kate could see it as Olivia said it. “I know that you’re right.” She spoke with the voice of a nearly broken heart.
“Hey, that was the original deal to begin with,” Olivia reminded her.
“It was,” Kate replied dejectedly.
***
When Pierce got back to town from his business trip, Matt took him out for dinner and drinks and spoke to him as well. He had grown concerned for his friend because of the way that things were going. He felt he needed to talk with him about it and set things as straight as they could be.
“What’s going on with you and Kate?” Matt asked directly, skipping all of the buildup conversation and getting right to the meat of the matter.
Pierce sighed heavily and closed his eyes, rubbing his hands over his face. “I don’t know.”
“Yeah you do. What do you mean you don’t know?” Matt pressed him adamantly.
“I’m mixed up! I’m not sure what to do about her.” Pierce glared down at the glass of whiskey in his hand, wishing with everything in him that there was an easy answer at the bottom of it.
“Well, if you think about it, it’s simple really,” Matt told him. “You have one choice. Either you keep her and you be with her as a couple, and probably a married couple since you’re having a kid with her, or you let her go. You can’t half-ass this affair with her when there’s a kid involved. It’s weird enough that it’s happening this way as it is. You need to think about that kid of yours and what you really want and what is really going to happen, and you need to think about it soon. She’s going to pop that kid out before you know what’s going on, and you’ll be caught with your pants down.” Matt gave him a pointed look.
Pierce groaned and buried his head in his arms for a minute before sitting back up and taking a deep breath. “You’re right, as per usual,” he admitted.
“What is this as per usual crap?” Matt asked, mock offended. “As per always. Matt is always right. If you remembered that, you’d have a lot less drama and trouble in your life.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Pierce sighed heavily.
“Yeah you do. You know exactly what you’re going to do, you just don’t want to think about it and you don’t want to say it.” Matt looked at him seriously.
Pierce pressed his lips into a long thin line. “You know what, you’re right. Again.”
“Always,” Matt reiterated.
“I’m going to have to let her go. That’s always been the plan,” Pierce continued as if Matt hadn’t interrupted him.
“You’d better keep your heart out of it, at least as much as you can, or you’re going to be one badly hurting unit.” Matt poked his finger at his friend to emphasize his statement. Pierce knew that he was right. He was going to have to let her go and he was going to have to do everything that he could to keep his heart out of it.
“I’m going to stop the intimacy with her,” Pierce vowed.
Matt shook his head. “Yeah, good luck with that. I hope you really do it, because if you don’t, your life is going to suck later. And you’ll have that kid to think about then. What then Pierce? What about when your kid is here and things are even more confusing for that kid and for you? Quit it now and save yourself the headache.”
Pierce hated to admit it, but Matt was right, and he knew it.
***
Pierce took Kate out for dinner shortly after his visit with Matt, and talked with her a little bit about it. She said she had been thinking something similar, but she didn’t know how they were ever going to do it.
He said he knew how to do it. When he took her home that night, he kissed her cheek in a very platonic way, and then he walked out and left her in the condo and he went to his family’s home in the Hamptons.
Kate stayed alone and as she tossed and turned in her bed that night, feeling the massive absence of him and all of the empty space around her, she knew that Olivia was right. She was going to have to stop the romance with Pierce, or she was never going to make it through the rest of the pregnancy and then be able to leave at the end.
The other thing on her mind was the baby she was carrying. There was no way that she could be in the way when the baby was born. She had agreed to give it up, in fact, she thought to herself, she had even already signed the legal paperwork giving custody of the baby over to Pierce. The only way it could be voided and become null was if they married, and that was the least likely thing to happen.
She would have to cut ties immediately after the baby was born, no exceptions. She knew that what Pierce was doing in being distant and platonic was probably the very best bet for her and him and their baby. No matter how much she didn’t like it.
Kate told herself to focus on school and graduation and taking care of her mother. Her studies would be a help in keeping her mind off of Pierce. She didn’t know how it would work between them with the new platonic shift in their bond, but she hoped it would go well.
***
When Pierce decided to back off, he did it in a big way. He only came by the condo twice a month for a few minutes to check on her and find out how the baby was doing. He did not hug her or kiss her, he did not show her any physical affection at all, other than kindness and sympathy for her physical condition on the difficult days.
His considerable distance caused her to begin to feel depressed, and she spent more time with Olivia as a result, trying to keep herself cheered up. All of her other focus was on school and her mama. Her mother’s health had declined, though she was getting great medical care. School was keeping her very busy, both in online and in person classes. She was determined to graduate shortly after the baby was born, and every ounce of energy she had went toward making that goal happen.
In her seventh month, a twist of fate made things even more bittersweet than they already were. She had just taken a shower and she hadn’t heard Pierce at the front door. He was certain that she was home because he had texted her to make sure that she would be there when he came by to give her the monthly stipend of ten thousand dollars and to see if she needed anything and how she was doing.
She hadn’t answered the door when he rang, and he began to panic and worry that something had gone terribly wrong. He opened the door with his spare key and hurried into the bedroom to make sure that she was alright and hadn’t fallen or gotten hurt in any way.
He walked in on her as she was coming into the bedroom nude, and he nearly crashed right into her when he did it. As it was, he was just barely able to stop himself in time. She stood there before him in shock that he was there and that he had startled her.
He stood there in shock at seeing her nude at seven months pregnant with his child, particularly when he hadn’t seen her nude in a while. The sight of her standing there before him struck him to his core and he went to her, reaching his hands out to her, touching her belly at first, his eyes on hers, and then her belly as she stood there.
She was torn; she wanted him to touch her; she had missed his touch and the feel of him against her, but she also knew that they should not be doing anything of the kind. As she was wrestling with the rights and wrongs of it in her mind, the baby kicked its father hard and the tension between them was broken by the sweet and innocent interruption.
“I felt that,” he whispered. The baby kicked again. “And that!” he added joyfully. Then he sighed heavily and shook his head. “I feel as though I’ve missed so much, and it’s awful. I can’t stand missing it. I can’t stand missing you. God you look so beautiful standing here like this with my baby inside you. If I could keep this image of you here now in my mind for all time I would. There’s nothing about it that I wouldn’t change.”
He hesitated then. “Except maybe this. I would change this so that it was a good idea.” He reached his hands to her face and drew her near to him, kissing her mouth softly. She moaned down deep and touched her hands to his face.
“I’ve missed this too,” she whispered as she kissed him in return and felt his hands on her body, caressing her belly and her full breasts.
“Do you want me to stop?” he asked in a pained and ragged voice, desperate with need. Her own feelings were echoed in his voice and she whispered back to him.
“Please don’t stop! Touch me. Kiss me. Make love with me!” she pleaded, pressing her body to his. It was a move that he could not deny, and he could not turn her away. He moved his mouth over hers and with her, hungrily, tasting her and losing himself in her as she did the same, losing herself in him.
They went together to her bed and he laid her back in it carefully, maneuvering so that he could push himself into her without disrupting the baby. The feel of him inside of her felt like a renewal of her body and spirit, and both of them lost and found themselves in each other that night, kissing and touching and tasting, and all the while vowing that it was only once, just that one time, that one night, and that it would never happen again. They could not stop from giving in to one another, and both of them had ached for the other every day while they were apart.
He stayed the night with her, holding her and holding the baby in her belly, and when the morning came, they shared a silent bittersweet kiss goodbye.
“I’m not going to come by like this again,” Pierce told her with profound regret and sorrow. “We’re not going to be together after this.”
“I know,” she replied as tears stung her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. “Thank you for the time we’ve shared. It’s been the best time I’ve ever had, except for when you were away.”
“Thank you, too. I’ve never known anything like that either,” he replied mournfully. “I feel awful for having crossed our boundary.” He shook his head and looked away from her.
“I’m sad for the pain that it might cause either of us, but I’m not sorry we did it. I don’t regret this last sweet time with you. I’m going to cherish it. Even if it was just one more last time, it was so precious. I wouldn’t apologize for it or trade it away,” she told him earnestly. She wouldn’t have undone it for anything.
He agreed with her. “Me either,” he said quietly. Then he leaned close and kissed her cheek lightly, and he left, and that was all that there was to it.
Pierce stayed true to his word, and he stayed away. Her monthly stipend for the beginning of the eighth month of her pregnancy was delivered by messenger, and he did not contact her except by email and text to ask if she should need anything, and to offer her whatever she might need or want, but beyond that, there was nothing.