“Jimmy?” I tapped my knuckles on his doorframe.
“Hi.” He waved me in but kept his eyes on the television. “Come on in. The show’s on.”
I sighed, walking into his apartment and taking a seat on the couch. It had been over a month since the awful lunch with Kyle and Debbie at the restaurant, and all of my weekly visits to The Rainbow had been like this: me sitting on the couch while Jimmy watched television.
I’d apologized over and over again for not sharing Jamie’s birthday list with him, and Jimmy had promised it was fine. But the cold shoulder I’d been getting said otherwise.
Though his chilly attitude hadn’t stopped my weekly visits. Jimmy was one of the most important people in my life, and I’d sit through season after season of HBO recordings while I waited for him to thaw out.
“How is your weekend going?” I asked. “Anything fun planned for your Sunday evening?”
Jimmy didn’t look away from the screen. “So far so good. I think one of the neighbors is coming over later.”
“That’s nice.” I waited, hoping he’d pause the show—or something—but he just kept on watching. His hair was growing back in thick, white spikes, and he looked more like the Jimmy I’d met years ago. Except for the smile that was missing from his face.
I sank deeper into the couch, turning to the TV, but since I didn’t know anything about the show, it didn’t catch my interest.
It was the week after my movie date with Cole, and I’d come to visit Jimmy before meeting Kyle and Debbie later this afternoon. I’d called them a few days ago and asked if I could come and collect Jamie’s truck. Cole was taking me to get it from their ranch. He’d borrowed a trailer from a friend so we could haul the truck back to Bozeman and start fixing it up.
I hoped the month I’d waited since telling Kyle and Debbie that I wanted the truck had been enough time for them to adjust to the idea. Because a month was all the time I could wait. For Cole to even have a chance of getting the truck restored before the end of the year, I had to quit stalling.
“I’m heading out to the ranch later to pick up Jamie’s truck.”
That got Jimmy’s attention. Finally.
He picked up the remote and paused his show. Then the Jimmy I loved and adored—the Jimmy I’d been missing all month—reached out and put his hand on my knee. “Do you need me to come along? I can cancel my plans.”
I smiled and put my hand on his. “No, don’t cancel. I’ll be fine. But thanks for the offer.” I took a deep breath. “I know I’ve said this before, but I really am sorry I didn’t tell you about Jamie’s birthday list. Please don’t be mad at me.”
“Oh, Poppy.” He gave me a sad smile. “I’m not mad. It just surprised me is all.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Enough sorrys.” He slipped his hand away and sat back. “We’re just fine.”
“Then why have you been giving me the silent treatment?”
He cocked his head. “Silent treatment?”
“Every time I’ve been here, you’ve had your eyes glued to the TV and ignored me.”
“What? No, I haven’t. I’ve been saving all the new episodes for your visits. Didn’t you say this show was one of your favorites?”
“That wasn’t me.”
He studied my face. “Are you sure? I could have sworn it was you.”
“Sorry. Not me. I’m not really into dragons and thrones and all that.”
“Well, shit,” he muttered. “I guess these last few visits have been kind of boring then. Sorry.”
I smiled. “You don’t have to apologize. I’m the one who needs to say sorry.”
“Enough sor—”
“Please.” I held out a hand. “Just let me say this one last time.” He scowled but closed his mouth. “I hope you know that I didn’t do it because I wanted to hide Jamie’s list. I only kept it from you because I didn’t want to make you sad.”
Jimmy’s scowl disappeared. “You don’t ever need to keep things from me because you’re worried I’ll be sad. I’m sad every day. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life—it comes with age.”
My heart broke just a little but before I could say anything, he kept going.
“But I’m happy every day too. I still have a lot of people in my life. Family. Friends. You. The trick is learning to let the happy outweigh the sad.”
I sighed. “I’m still learning that trick.”
“I know you are, and if going through Jamie’s list will help, then I’m all for it. I just wish you had told me sooner. I’d have liked to help you with whatever he had on that list.”
I should have known Jimmy would have wanted to help. Shame on me for not trusting he’d be supportive. “I’m not even close to being done if you want to help. There are a couple of them on there that I think are right up your alley. Want to see?”
He sat up in his chair, pushing down the footrest on his recliner and reaching for his reading glasses. “Hell yeah.”
I dug through my purse, getting out Jamie’s journal and handing it over. “I’ve checked the ones I’ve done already. All the others are still left.”
He ran his finger down the leather spine, then opened the book. With every turned page, Jimmy’s smile got bigger and bigger.
“Now that’s a good one.” He looked up over the rim of his glasses. “I’m helping with the paint fight.”
I grinned. “I thought you’d like that one.”
“Ha! Pull a fire alarm. I always wanted to do that too.”
“Well, we can do it together. You can be my cellmate when they throw me in jail.”
“If we get caught.”
As his eyes brightened, page after page, I chastised myself again for not sharing earlier. The birthday list was helping me deal with Jamie’s loss. Maybe it could help his family too.
“Do you think I should ask Kyle and Debbie if they’d like to see the list?”
Jimmy thought about it for a moment, then shook his head. “I had a long talk with Kyle after our lunch last month.”
I tensed as he closed the journal and handed it back, then removed his glasses.
“I told him that you think they blame you for Jamie’s death.”
My frame deflated as I whispered, “I know they do.”
“No, they don’t.” He leaned forward to speak softly. “But they do have a hard time being around you. When they see you, they expect to see Jamie right by your side. You two never went anywhere without the other. It’s hard for them to see that missing piece.”
I nodded but my heart was aching. I knew they had a hard time seeing me, but I wished that instead of finding pain in my face, they had found love. Maybe even some comfort.
“It’s hard for me too. I feel that missing piece every day, but that hasn’t stopped me from wanting to have them in my life.”
“I’m not saying they’re right. I’m just trying to explain. Kyle and Debbie might not ever be able to move on, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay in the past. Deep down, they want you to be happy. To live a happy life. And for your own sanity, that might mean letting them go.”
I sniffled, swallowing the lump in my throat before I could cry.
Jimmy got up from his chair and sat next to me on the couch, putting an arm around my shoulders. “They love you, Poppy.”
Did they? If you loved someone, did you let a tragic experience drive you apart? Years ago, I’d believed that love prevailed above all. But now, I was learning that even love wasn’t strong enough to mend some wounds.
I leaned my head on Jimmy’s shoulder as I blinked away a tear. “It’s not fair. I just miss them.”
“I know. But you’ve still got me.”
“Promise?”
He crossed his heart, just like I always did before making a promise. “Promise.”
We sat together for a few moments, leaning on one another, until a grumble came from the hall.
“I see you’re watching without me, asshole.”
Jimmy scoffed. “Don’t call me an asshole, asshole. I’m paying for the goddamn HBO, you leach. If you want to watch on your schedule, then you can shell out the cash.”
I broke away from Jimmy and leaned forward, peering around him at his visitor. I gaped at the man walking into Jimmy’s room. “Randall?”
“Huh,” he muttered, then sat in Jimmy’s recliner. “What are you doing here?”
“What am I doing here?” My hand waved back and forth between us. “What are you doing here?”
“I live here, stuck next door to this asshole.” He jerked his thumb at Jimmy. “I don’t care how far you watched, we’re starting this episode over.”
“Fine,” Jimmy grumbled. “But you’re not drinking all of my Mountain Dew like last week. You get one can. One.”
I guess I wasn’t the only Maysen limiting Randall’s sugar intake.
Jimmy stood from the couch and glared at Randall. “And get the hell out of my chair, you poker cheat.”
Poker cheat? “Was Randall the neighbor who beat you at poker and made you dye your hair pink?”
Randall snickered and Jimmy shot me his shut up look as they switched seats.
“Sorry to bring it up.” Every ounce of willpower went to holding in my laughter.
“So Poppy is the granddaughter you’re always talking about?” Randall asked as Jimmy fiddled with the remote.
My heart warmed whenever Jimmy told the residents at The Rainbow that I was his granddaughter.
“She is. How do you know each other?”
Randall shrugged. “I go to her restaurant every now and then.”
“Every now and then?” I scoffed. “You come in every day.”
“Interesting.” Jimmy leaned forward and locked eyes with Randall. “I’ll make a deal with you. If you want to keep watching my HBO, you’ll bring me with you to the restaurant next time.”
“Jimmy,” I scolded. “I told you I’d come and get you whenever you wanted to come down.”
He waved me off. “You’re busy. He has nothing else to do, so he can drive me down there when he goes.”
Jimmy didn’t drive much anymore. His older sister had been killed in a car accident when she’d had a stroke behind the wheel and run into a tree. From then on, he’d only driven if there hadn’t been another option. Which was why The Rainbow lifestyle suited him perfectly. They had meals, entertainment and a convenience store a few blocks away.
“I’ll bring him,” Randall told me, “but he’s not taking my stool.”
“I’ll take whatever damn stool I want. She’s my granddaughter.”
I held out my hands, stopping their argument. “How about we decide who gets what stool tomorrow?”
“We’ll be there for breakfast,” Jimmy declared. “I haven’t had breakfast there yet.”
“Okay. I’ll make you both something special.” I stood from the couch and bent down and kissed Jimmy’s cheek. “I’d better go.”
Jimmy patted my arm. “Good luck tonight.”
“Thanks.”
I had a feeling I was going to need it.
“How’s this going to go?” Cole asked as he drove.
My foot bounced on the floor mat of his truck. “I have no idea.”
After I’d left The Rainbow, I’d waited for Cole at the restaurant. He’d arrived with a long flatbed trailer hooked to the back of his truck. The closer we got to the ranch, the faster my foot bounced.
I wasn’t just nervous about seeing Kyle and Debbie and taking Jamie’s truck. I was also nervous about being there with Cole.
In the week since our drive-in movie, we’d resumed our normal dinner routine at the restaurant. I’d done my best to remember that he’d only called me his girlfriend to protect me from a potential creeper, but I still had fears.
Fears about where this thing between us was heading. Fears that we were getting closer and closer to that invisible line in the sand. The line that, when crossed, meant I’d no longer be Jamie Maysen’s wife. I’d be some other man’s girlfriend.
A part of me wanted to run away from that line. Another wanted to take a flying leap to the other side. As it was, I was just standing with my toes on its edge. Frozen.
Because I knew the man who’d pull me across was Cole. I wasn’t waiting for some nameless, faceless man of the future. When I pictured kissing another man, it was Cole. When I imagined sleeping with another man, it was Cole.
He was the man of the future, patiently waiting on the other side of the line. I could imagine him standing there, holding out his hand.
I wanted to take Cole’s hand. His fingers were so long, they threaded with mine and made my hands feel so small. His skin wasn’t soft but it wasn’t rough either. It was just a man’s hand. Hard and warm. The perfect temperature to hold for hours and hours.
I wanted to take Cole’s hand, but memories were holding me back.
Or a lack of memory.
I couldn’t remember how my hand felt in Jamie’s—I’d never really thought about it back then. I hated that I’d lost that part of him. That I hadn’t taken the time to memorize the feel of his hand in mine.
Especially when I’d memorized everything about the feel of Cole’s.
Every minute we spent together, Cole was taking more pieces of my heart.
Something that, if Kyle and Debbie picked up on it, would make this evening so much harder.
“You’re going to take a left up here.” I pointed out the turnoff to the ranch. “And then just straight down the gravel road until we get to their house.”
Cole slowed and turned the wheel. “Is this where Jamie grew up?”
“Yeah. He didn’t want to be a rancher, but his younger brother, Adam, still lives here with his girlfriend. Eventually, he’ll take it all over from Kyle and Debbie, just like they took it over from Jimmy and Jamie’s grandmother.”
“Did you and Jimmy make amends?”
I smiled. “Yeah. And remember how I told you about the pink hair debacle? Guess who was the alleged poker cheat.”
“Who?”
“Randall.”
He chuckled. “No shit?”
“No shit.” I laughed with him until the house came into sight after a bend in the road and anxiety shriveled my smile away.
“Nice place,” Cole said as he pulled into the gravel area in front of the house.
Kyle and Debbie had built a new house about ten years ago and decked it out with all of the finest. Their old place, also nice, was now where Adam and his girlfriend lived. At least, I assumed that was where they both lived. Since Jamie’s funeral, I’d only seen Adam once, and since Kyle and Debbie didn’t talk to me much anymore, I wasn’t up-to-date on the latest happenings at the ranch.
And probably wouldn’t be in the future. If what Jimmy had told me today was correct, this might be my last trip to the Maysen ranch. To Jamie’s home.
The nervous whirlpool that was my stomach spun faster. Jamie, if you’re listening, help this go okay. Don’t let this be another good-bye.
I pulled in a shaking breath as Cole’s hand came to my shoulder. “We don’t have to stay long. Use me as an excuse if you want to leave. Or if you want to stay for hours, that’s fine too. Do whatever, but I’ll follow your lead.”
His beautiful green eyes were full of concern.
“Thank you. I’m sure this will be okay.”
We both knew that was a lie, but he didn’t call me on it. He just let go of my shoulder and shut off the truck before stepping out.
I took one more breath, then climbed out of the truck just as the front door to Kyle and Debbie’s house swung open.
“Hi!” Debbie came down the steps of the wraparound porch and right into my space for a hug. “It’s so nice to have you here.”
I froze for a second, surprised at her warm welcome—one I hadn’t gotten since before Jamie had died—but the shock wore off fast and I returned her hug. “It’s nice to be here.”
“Hi, Poppy.” I let go of Debbie as Adam walked out of the house.
I smiled to hide the wince at seeing his face. Adam looked more like Jamie than ever with his hair grown out long like his brother had worn it. “Hi, Adam. How are you?”
“Good. Damn busy, but good.”
Behind him, Kyle came out of the house and waved. “Hi there.”
“Hi.” I stepped up for a hug. Kyle’s was less enthusiastic than Debbie’s but it was better than the handshake he’d been giving me lately.
“I see you brought reinforcements?” Kyle nodded to Cole.
“I did.”
Cole stepped up to shake Kyle’s hand. “Cole Goodman, nice to meet you.”
Cole introduced himself to Kyle, then Debbie and Adam. My eyes darted back and forth between them, watching for an odd look or disapproving glance, but Jamie’s family was pleasant and welcoming as they chatted with Cole.
Maybe this would go better than I’d expected. Maybe having Cole and Adam here would be a nice safeguard. Maybe we’d end up visiting for a while and get over the awkwardness from the past five years. Maybe they’d even invite us to stay for dinner.
“All right.” Kyle nodded toward the large shop across the yard from the house. “Let’s get this truck loaded up and then you guys can head back to town.”
Scratch dinner.
“Lead the way.” Cole nodded at Kyle, then placed his fingers on the small of my back.
I knew the second his fingers brushed my shirt that it was a mistake. Not that Cole had done it to cause problems—the gesture was innocent and habitual. But Debbie’s entire body jerked as she gasped, while Kyle’s face turned to stone. The only one who didn’t look like I’d just slapped them across the face was Adam.
“Ready?” I took a huge step away from Cole and kept my focus on Adam as he spun on a boot heel and headed for the shop.
I could feel Cole’s stare on my back as we walked, but I didn’t turn. I just kept my eyes focused on the gravel and the shop, hoping that behind me Debbie wasn’t crying and Kyle wasn’t furious.
When we got to the shed, I took a spot by a row of toolboxes to stay out of the way as Kyle and Adam pulled a dusty tarp off of Jamie’s yellow truck.
The side panels were spotted with rust. The front bumper needed to be reattached because it was hanging loose on one side. And the front windshield was cracked in so many places it looked like a spider’s web.
But it was Jamie’s. Something he’d bought as a teenager and driven until college when he’d bought a nicer car.
“I still can’t believe Jamie didn’t take this to college.” Adam ran his hand along the yellow hood and smiled at me. “Remember how he said he’d never get a date to sit in here?”
I smiled back. “Well, considering the passenger seat is missing most of the cushion, I would have agreed.”
“No way.” Adam laughed. “You would have still dated him if he’d driven this old thing.”
Jamie could have driven me around town on the handlebars of a bicycle for all I would have cared. “You’re probably right.”
“Should we see if it still runs?”
“Oh, it’ll run.” Kyle walked over to the driver’s side of the truck. “I came out here a couple nights ago and made sure.” He ran his hand along the open window, like he was saying good-bye.
At my side, Debbie sniffled. “It will be strange not to come out here and see Jamie’s truck.”
A wave of doubt hit me hard. Maybe I shouldn’t take the truck. Maybe I should say to hell with that one item on Jamie’s list and let it go. Maybe Kyle and Debbie needed this truck in their shop more than I needed to check a box.
I was just about to relent when Adam slapped his hand on the hood. “Thanks for getting this finished up, Poppy. Jamie always wanted to have it done.”
He had. Jamie had talked about fixing it up all the time. We’d just never had the space and he’d never had the time. But now, I could see it through.
I had to see this through.
So I swallowed the lump in my throat and gave Adam a small smile. “Midnight blue. He always wanted it to be midnight blue.”
“And cream interior,” Kyle added as he opened the door.
I nodded. “And cream interior.”
The sound of Jamie’s truck filled the shop as Kyle started it up. As he drove it outside, we all followed behind as he steered it toward Cole’s trailer.
“I guess I could have just come and gotten it myself,” I told Cole as we walked. “Sorry.”
“No, it’s better this way. The last thing I want is for you to get stranded on the side of the road. The engine might run, but those tires won’t last another fifty miles.”
I didn’t know if that was true, but it made me feel better.
Cole jogged ahead, pulling out the ramps on the trailer so Kyle could ease the truck onto the flatbed. Then together, Cole, Kyle and Adam all chained it down.
“Thanks, Debbie. It was nice to see you.”
She nodded and forced a smile, then gave me a one-arm hug before turning and going back inside the house without a word.
I stared at the house, wishing there was something I could do to get an invitation inside. I stared at the house, knowing there wasn’t. So I turned back to the guys, standing alone and waiting for them to finish.
“Thank you,” I told Kyle as he and Adam came over.
Kyle nodded and looked back to the truck. “Take care of it.”
“I will.”
Then without a handshake, a hug, or even a good-bye, he went inside with Debbie. The click of the door’s latch echoed for miles.
“Bye, Poppy.” Adam waved at me, then Cole as he headed back to the shop. “Nice to meet you, Cole.”
Cole nodded but Adam had already turned his back to us, done with that job and on to the next.
I glanced at my watch before they blurred with tears. Twenty-nine minutes. I’d been dismissed after only twenty-nine minutes.
Jamie’s family didn’t have to say it—I’d heard it loud and clear.
Good-bye.
Kyle and Debbie wouldn’t be back to Bozeman to visit my restaurant. They wouldn’t be inviting me back to this ranch to spend holidays like I’d done so many times before. They wouldn’t be a part of my life.
Without a backward glance, I walked past Cole to his truck. “Let’s go.”
“You got it.” He didn’t hesitate to get us the hell off the ranch, driving in silence until we reached the highway. “Are you okay?”
“No.”
I wanted Jamie to be alive so he could fix up his own truck. To do his own birthday list. I wanted him to be here so his parents weren’t so heartbroken.
I wanted the ache in my chest to disappear. I wanted it to stop teasing me with reprieves, only to torture me with each return.
I want to be happy.
I couldn’t remember how it felt to be truly happy.
“Give me your hand.” Cole placed his hand, palm up, on the console between us.
I shook my head, knowing that if I touched him, I’d never keep the tears at bay.
“Poppy, give me your hand.”
“I can’t,” I choked out.
“Poppy,” he whispered. “Give me your hand.”
I didn’t have the strength to resist his gentle voice so I untucked my hand from between my knees and placed it on his. The second his long fingers closed over mine, the first tear fell. Then the second. Then the rest.
I cried for the loss of a family. For the loss of Jamie’s parents as friends.
I cried because Cole’s hand under mine made me feel better.
Better and worse, all at the same time.