Chapter 50

It’s with a dull ache that I start to see the world again.

It’s not exactly a pretty place, but it’s better than the hell I’ve been in. I see my mother crying ten times a day (I hold her for at least five of those), but I also hear my sisters rapping songs from Hamilton at the top of their lungs, and when Tom leaves for work in the evening there’s a bit of a smile back in his eyes. I even relieve Gretchen of her job: grocery shopping. (Apparently, that’s where she’s been going every day.)

I’m happy with the song on my wall, except now I think of Levi every time I see it. (As if I’m not already thinking of him every other second that I’m not thinking of Papa.) I don’t talk about him out loud, though, as if somehow opening my mouth and saying his name will jinx every ounce of courage I’ve gained in the last several days.

I don’t want to relapse.

Of course, I can’t avoid him at all when he calls me—calls me!—on Day Eleven After the Funeral. I stare at my phone in agony, so tempted to answer, but I know I can’t. I know it’s not right.

Gretchen grabs it off the table. “Bernice, answer this phone right now.”

“No,” I say firmly. “I’m not ready.”

“Why not?” she demands, finger hovering over the button.

“I’ve cried too many times today.”

As soon as the phone stops ringing I take it from her. His voicemail alert comes through an eternity later, but hearing his voice is entirely worth the wait.

“Hey.” He takes a deep breath in. It sounds shaky. “I know we’re not supposed to be talking right now, but I can’t help myself. Do you need anything? How’s your family? I’m a mess over here, Bee.” He groans, and there’s a shuffling noise. I think I hear Missy complaining in the background. “I know you have Gretchen and I know you need time. I promise I’m not being pushy. Or, erm, I’m trying not to be pushy. I miss you every day, okay? But we don’t even have to see each other—just let me know if you want me to drop something off or help with your sisters or…anything. Okay. I love you.”

He hangs up.

I put the phone on the table, my mouth stretched wide with a smile. Gretchen listens to the message next, lips quirked. Oh, I’m so done for.

She clears her throat once before nodding solemnly. “That Boy deserves a medal.”

I groan, still smiling, and bury my head in my hands.

“But seriously, Bee, when are you going to get him back?”

“When I stop crying all the time?”

“Hmm. You’re not crying right now, though.” Gretchen stands, paces back and forth twice, then raises her finger. “Think about it like this: Do you need me?”

I roll my eyes.

She gasps. “Just…answer the question!”

“Yes, yes, okay! I need you.”

“So, the reality is…I’m not always going to be here. Not physically, anyway. And he is. He’s going to be here forever because let’s face it, he’s not going to let you get away. He loves you, Bee.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that I’m not ready.” I am, however, tempted to listen to the voicemail again. (And a thousand more times into eternity.)

Gretchen sighs. “You need him. You need him like you need me, and your family, and those smelly boys you’re friends with. He makes you laugh, Bee—he makes you smile when you’re the saddest you’ve ever been. That says something—no, I lied, that says everything. And he needs you, just as badly. He’s probably wandering around aimlessly because you’re not by his side.”

I cringe. “Are you a walking-talking romance novel?” (Elle would be proud.)

“No, shush, I’m just being honest.” She tsks, and asks again, “When will you go back to him?”

“I don’t know.”

“Before you give me all the reasons why you can’t, let me say this: You’re not allowed to feel guilty about being with Levi because of your dad.”

“No, that’s not it,” I say truthfully. “Not anymore.”

“Then what it is? He loves you, you love him, I’m leaving in three days.” She smiles. “The list of reasons why you should jump on this—ASAP—is a mile long.”

“I know it is. It just…has to be at the right moment.” I spread my hands. “And I still don’t know how to tell him. What to tell him.”

“That’s simple. Tell him he’s a replacement for your bestest friend in the whole world and he’d better do a good job.”

I have to laugh at this.

She smiles. “You can also tell him the truth, you know.”

A part of me sinks and my mouth quivers. “That’s it, though. I don’t know what the truth is yet.”

“Is it coming together?”

I shrug. “Slowly.”

“Then that’s all you can ask for.” She smacks my arm, shaking us both out of the moment. “Now who’s going to show me around San Diego while I’m here? Don’t make me call a cab—”

I smack her arm and reach for my purse. “Shut up and get in my car.”

Gretchen laughs. “There she is.”

I say goodbye to Gretchen three days later on the sidewalk of the airport, my flip flops and tank top not enough warmth in the surprising gust of cold wind coming off the bay. There are a few clouds, too, indicating rain. (At least, that’s what the weatherman hopes.)

I shuffle the bottom of my shoes on the ground while I wait for her to gather her purse and suitcase from her side of the car. I start to cry when she turns toward me and her eyes are already brimming with tears and ohmyGodwhy. I remember this now, like I remembered it last time, and the time before that. It’s not the same—texts, phone calls, Skype. Eventually, though, I’m going to forget that it’s better in person. I’ll forget for the sake of my sanity, so I can pretend like it’s okay that we live so far away.

“I think you’re crap,” she whispers as she hugs me.

“I think you’re the crappiest,” I reply.

“That’s not how this works, Bernice.”

“Yes, it is.” I squeeze her tighter. “And stop using my full name.”

“Get used to it, will you? Levi’s going to think it’s sooooo sexy when you tell him.”

“Shh, oh my God, Gretchen,” I hiss.

“What?” Her laugh shakes our hug. “He won’t be able to resist its charm.” Then she pretends to be Levi, standing on her tiptoes over me, deepening her voice an octave and saying, “Come hither, Bernice. Hubba hubba!”

I poke her side, eliciting a shriek. I’m laughing harder than I have since before Papa died. “That’s the dumbest and most un-Levi-like thing I’ve ever heard.” Then I hug her again, to make up for the hug I won’t get when I wake up the next morning. “Have a safe flight, okay?”

“I won’t die, if that’s what you’re asking me.”

I laugh, but it’s also a sob. “See you someday, freak.”

She grabs onto her bags, hoisting her purse over her shoulder, and says, “I think you’re the most crappiest person of all time, ever.” Directing her best smile at me over her shoulder, Gretchen disappears into the airport.

I let her win. This time.

The drive home is long, but it isn’t lonely. Gretchen calls me while she waits in the security line, effectively proving that we are suckers for each other.

“Indestructible suckers,” she protests when I tell her this, and that makes me laugh again.

“Infinite suckers,” I say.

But when I pull into my driveway, we’re quick to say goodbye. Not just because her line has gotten shorter, but because there’s an unfamiliar car in my driveway. I gather my things and head for the door, only to find my brother and Keagan and Elle in the doorway.

Elle whirls around the second she hears me coming up the stairs and throws her arms around my neck. “Beeeee!” she shouts. “You’ve been away from the office so much lately and we miss you!”

I close my eyes and hug her tight. She must not know we broke up, I think, and curse Levi for being such an angel. “I’m sorry…”

“Oh, don’t be. Levi told us what happened. Gosh, Bee.” She shakes her head, squeezing my arm. “I’m so sorry. Your dad must have been amazing, the way everyone talks about him…”

“Thanks. We’re…coping.”

She nods. “I’m so glad Tom could come tonight. We invited you but he said you were busy.”

I smile. “What did you do?”

“Just went to a movie, us and Levi. It was Keagan’s treat.” She nods her head to the right, toward Keagan.

Keagan, who is looking at me right this second. Keagan, who is not smiling, who does not look amused, whose jaw is tight like he’s trying not to say something. But then the moment passes and he shakes Tom’s hand like nothing’s wrong. “See you later,” he says, and stalks off down the path.

I glare at Tom. “What was that all about?”

He shrugs. “What was what?”

I know he knows what I’m talking about. “Keagan looked like he was mad at me. He didn’t even say hi.” This is so not like Keagan. And Elle can only shrug, as confused as I am.

All right, fine then, if that’s how it’s going to be.

I drop my purse and rush after him, sliding in front of his car door before he can unlock it. “Keagan,” I say. “What’s wrong?”

His scowl deepens. “Please move.”

“Dude, don’t lie to me. You’re always so nice to me. Did I do something?”

He works his jaw. “Bee,” he says. His voice is quiet, thoughtful, a little bit sad. “I don’t want to get into this right now.”

I raise an eyebrow.

He grunts.

I raise both eyebrows, and say, “You have no choice. I’m staying here.”

He shakes his head. “I…” Then he sighs. “All right, look. I’m really, really sad about your dad, Bee. And you have one thousand valid reasons to be sad, and angry, and hurt. But you…really hurt him, and that’s a little hard to understand.”

“Bee hurt who?” Elle says, huffing as she runs up to us. She looks like a referee waiting for a fight to break out.

I don’t look away from Keagan—I can’t. I love his honesty. But I do lower my voice when I say, “How bad was it?”

Keagan’s eyes darken. “Bad, like…really bad. Let me ask you this: Have you ever seen Levi depressed?”

I shake my head no. (It’s actually very hard to imagine.)

“Oh, my God.” Elle covers her mouth. “Did you break up with Levi?”

Keagan is not amused. “Elle, please.”

Elle’s eyes widen as if she is starting to understand everything. Scurrying away, she says, “Well, um, I’ll…be in the car.”

Keagan looks at me as Elle shuts her door, his eyes saddened by a weight he’s carrying, a burden I don’t quite understand. “I hadn’t seen him depressed either—until the day after you broke up with him. He came to work and didn’t say a word the whole time, didn’t even take his break, just plugged in his headphones and listened to music for seven hours. Then he told Michael that he’d need a few days off work because he wasn’t feeling well.”

I start to say something, but Keagan interrupts me. “And then,” he says, “on top of that, he grabbed all of his work from the TCP office and took it home with him and stayed inside. For three days. I don’t know if you know how hard that is for Levi to do, but it’s really hard. He scared the shit out of me—wouldn’t even answer his phone for the first day.”

I’m appalled, sick to my stomach—the same sensation as before I broke up with him. Like there’s unfinished business and I’m standing in the way of getting it done. I wrap my arms around my stomach. “What else?”

Keagan shrugs. “He started answering my texts, told me he was okay, he just needed some time to process, figure out what he was going to do next.” He rubs his cheek thoughtfully. “He throws himself into things wholeheartedly, and he thought you did, too, Bee. We all did. That’s why you guys were everything. What…what happened?”

I shrink back against the car door. I can’t blame the cancer, if only because of every conversation I had with Papa before he died—of him pushing me to go places, to be with Levi. No, this was entirely me and my fears.

“I don’t know,” I answer. And then, more honestly, “I got stuck.”

“On what?”

“On the idea that I wasn’t good enough for him.”

“You know that’s bullshit, right?”

I smile at him ruefully. “So people tell me.”

Keagan chuckles, but his expression grows serious again, too quickly. “You know there are certain things…he hasn’t told you. Right?”

I suck in a breath. “No.”

He shakes his head.

“Tell me this instant, Keagan!”

That’s all it takes, thank God. “His dad fought with him about something important, so Mr. Orville took the rent money out from under TCP. Then, about a week before you broke up with him, three sponsors pulled their monthly payments. He was waiting for the storm to pass, waiting for you guys to make up before he said anything.”

I bury my head in my hands. Levi wouldn’t have told me—not after how I reacted to him paying for Papa’s chemo. I would have been unjustly angry at him for making that sacrifice, when that’s all TCP is: sacrifice. “This is so stupid,” I mutter. (I’m once again thinking of ways I could successfully murder AuGUStus!)

“Bee,” Keagan says, and I drop my hands so I can look at him. “Levi told me about your conversation, after the funeral. And I have something to say about it. I don’t care if you don’t get back together with him—although, that would be ideal. Just…tell him you’re sorry. Tell him all the things you should have told him when you were dating, and move on.”

He’s right. He’s one hundred percent right, and suddenly, I’m pretty sure I have wings. “I don’t want it to be just any conversation, though,” I announce, to both him and me. I’ve said those words before, however, and they haven’t gotten me any closer to the answer.

Suddenly the window behind me rolls down and Elle sticks her head out. “Excuse me, um, I haven’t been listening to your conversation or anything—actually, wait, yes, I have. But I have an idea, if you don’t mind.”

I grab her hand that’s hanging out the window and squeeze it hard. “Help me. Help me now,” I say, and I’m only half-pretending to be desperate.

She grins slyly. “So, there’s, like, this event coming up. You know, the one Felix’s friend wanted to set up for Levi?”

I grip her hand so hard, I’m worried I’ve crushed all her bones. “When is it?”

“Um, it’s tomorrow.” She clears her throat. “And, well, Levi’s having me give this stupid speech that I don’t want to give because I’m not a writer or a speaker—not like that anyway. I keep reading over it and it sucks. I hate it.”

Keagan frowns. “I fail to see how this helps Bee.”

Elle rolls her eyes. “Men,” she mutters. “Obviously, I want Bee to write the speech—and give it. At the event. Tomorrow.”

I don’t even have to think twice about this—I’m already there, ready for it. “You don’t think he’d mind, though, if I show up uninvited?” I ask, just to make sure.

“Bee, you’re freaking invited, okay? I have a few extra invitations leftover and one of them has your name on it.” She sees my laughing expression and holds up a hand. “I mean it literally has your name on it. Levi had one made and then didn’t send it because he kept saying he’d give it to you in person and that you already knew about it.” Her expression goes dim, as if she’s just now realizing he was lying to her for my sake this whole time. “That little bastard…”

I smile, a giddy, ridiculous smile that I’d never admit to in a million years, especially in front of Keagan, but right now—who freaking cares. “I’ll do it. Elle, I’ll do it.”

(I already know what I want to say to Levi. I already know how I’m going to say I’m sorry.)

Elle slaps my hand in a high five. “Good. Write your speech tonight, and tomorrow I’ll pick you up at ten to go dress shopping.”

“What?”

“Yeah, it’s a fancy event. Like, you know, the kind of fancy only Felix can pull off.”

Remembering the event in Malibu, I nod. “Yeah. Okay.”

I step away from the car and Keagan opens the driver’s door, tossing his keys onto the seat. “I’ll see you tomorrow night, then?”

“You’ll be there?”

“Obviously.” He hesitates, but a second later he reaches for a hug that I willingly give.

“Keagan, thank you.”

He pats my back twice, then lets me go. “I know you love him.”

“Yeah.” I really, really, really love him, so much that I could explode, so much that I can’t imagine living my life without him. (What was I THINKING?!)

With a nod, Keagan climbs into his car and, after letting Elle squeeze my hand one more time, drives away.

Minutes later I’m in my room, a mug of hot tea on my desk beside me, a blank sheet of paper and a green pen in hand. With a deep breath in and out, I start to write all the words I will say to Levi tomorrow night. All the words I’ve wanted to say for a while, but just haven’t had the courage.

That night, when I’ve perfected and memorized my speech, I slip into bed with my mom. I’m surprised to find there are no sisters in sight. “Where are the girls?”

My mom, who’s looking at something on her phone, laughs and invites me closer. “They decided they missed their own beds. But sweetie, look at this.” She tilts the screen toward my face. The text is from Suzie, and it’s a picture of—Levi?

I scrunch up my nose. “Oh, my gosh! How old is he there?”

“Seven,” my mom says, laughing again.

In the picture, my ex-boyfriend-sort-of-still-boyfriend-will-hopefully-be-my-boyfriend-again-soon is sitting on a park bench with an otter pop in one hand and a skateboard in the other…and a full-on Mohawk with blue tips. I mean, I would never put it past his hair to be able to accomplish that height, but wow.

“Suzie let him do that?” I zoom in on his cute face, so young, but with that same smirk I love, the same smirk I swooned over the first day I ever saw him.

“Apparently.” My mom swipes right. “Oh, look, another one.”

Levi’s even younger in this picture, probably five, and he’s missing his two front teeth, so his smile is not just big, it’s dorky, too. I miss that smile. (Suddenly, tomorrow can’t come fast enough.) I rest my head on my mom’s shoulder. “I’m going to a TCP event tomorrow night, with Elle.”

“Good for you, Baby Bee!” she exclaims, surprising me with her enthusiasm.

“I’m going to give the welcome speech, actually.”

“Wow. That’s an amazing opportunity.”

“I’m going to tell him my name,” I whisper.

At first, she has no answer except to kiss my forehead. “He’s going to love it, the way I did when I named you, the way I still do.” She rolls into me, fingers tracing my arm softly. “Do you remember what it means?”

“What? No, actually.” (Oops.)

“It means she who brings victory.”

I close my eyes, starting to drift at the sound of her voice. “Ah, victory. Just within my grasp.”

She laughs. “You’ll be fine, Bernice. Yours is the only other love I’ve ever been so sure of.”

“Yeah.” I embrace her words, along with the meaning of my name, and the surety of her heartbeat. “I think we’ll all be just fine.”