Jason
The small red house came into view. I narrowed my eyes as a bead of sweat ran down my temple then slid into the collar of my shirt.
I pulled the safety off my Glock and slowly turned off the engine.
The sound of my feet hitting the gravel sounded like something out of a bad cop movie. Dirt swirled in slow motion around my ankles as I took my first step. My black shoes crunched on the remaining gravel as I made my way onto the small innocent-looking sidewalk.
Crows circled above the house, as if they KNEW.
A golden retriever waltzed down the street then, swear on Max’s life, turned around with its tail between its legs.
The rocking chair on the front porch continued its back and forth motion as the screen door burst open.
I fingered my gun as perspiration coated my upper lip.
“Ethel.” I said her name like the curse it was.
She sniffed the air then lowered her chin at me. “Jason.” Her floppy grey hair waved in the wind as she peered over her thick, horn-rimmed glasses, her beady eyes seeing right through me.
My finger twitched.
“What are you doing out in these here parts?” Wrinkled bits of her red mumu hugged her calves; each time the wind picked it up, I caught sight of her pink fuzzy socks and weathered brown Birkenstocks.
“Oh, you know… just checking on my favorite town folk.” I forced a smile, my eyes grazing the lawn until they landed on the last Max sign.
Bingo.
Sadly, it was at least twenty feet away.
Closer to Ethel than me.
It may as well have been in the depths of Hell.
I wondered, in that moment, if it would be better to just run, or, knowing Ethel, would she simply gallop after me, strike my head with a blunt object, and drag me into her house?
The sign mocked me as it caught sunlight and gleamed in my direction. The picture of Max appeared to be waving at me.
Sighing, I took a tentative step down the sidewalk. I wouldn’t hear the end of it if Ethel happened to venture out this afternoon to get her mail, spot Max’s face in her yard, only to turn around and scream about the city’s inability to keep people off her property.
Let’s just say, if her house was on fire, the fire department would ignore the call.
Illegal? Yes.
Horrific? Absolutely.
Necessary? You. Have. No. Idea.
Ethel ran this neighborhood. Children whispered about her around the campfires, and she’d already forced two police chiefs into retirement — before the age of fifty.
“Say, Ethel.” I used a calm voice, one I saved for keeping people from jumping off buildings and going splat. I held out my hands. “I don’t want any trouble. I just came to grab an illegal sign off your property.”
“If you were doing your job, it wouldn’t be on my property, now would it, Jason?”
I bit back a curse. Damn it, Max! “Now, Ethel, you know I can’t sit out here in a lawn chair with a shotgun just waiting for trespassers.”
“Last police chief did.”
“He was fired.”
She sniffed and looked away, crossing her arms. “Well, be quick about it, Jason. I’m plucking a bird out back.”
I didn’t ask.
I wasn’t afraid of her answer. I was terrified she’d actually show me, and I’d never make it back to my SUV. They’d discover my battered body years later, a look of horror on my young face.
“Right.” Slowly, I inched farther onto her property. Sweat continued to pour down my neck, soaking my shirt and making me curse the day police uniforms had been made of such thick cotton.
“Who’s Max?” she asked, once my hands grazed the sign and pulled it up from its spot right in front of her porch.
I looked at the sign, slowly backed away, and answered, “He’s you, only male and slightly younger.”
“Sounds delightful!”
“You have no idea.” I whistled low in my throat as I clutched the sign to my side and monitored her for any sudden movements. She may look slow, but the woman used to run track, so she knew how to run, and sadly, for those she chased, she rarely gave up.
“Made some tea.” She sniffed, running her finger underneath her nose as if that was supposed to make me want tea and not throw up over the fact that she was currently examining something between her fingers and lifting it to her lips.
“Nope.” I held back a gag. “I’m allergic.”
“To tea?” she asked, still holding her treasure between her fingers. Don’t do it, woman. Don’t do it!
It happened in slow motion, the moment where her fingers came into contact with her mouth and that wicked tongue slipped out and… licked.
Damn those Cheerios I’d eaten this morning!
Gagging again, I looked away. I had to.
“You sure, Jason?”
“Positive.” I barked out a cough, my stomach heaving almost as much as my balls at the seductive glance she was giving me. Backing up, my ass nearly collided with the SUV.
Ethel put her hands on her hips and tapped her foot. “No more signs, Jason, or I ain’t voting for you come next election!”
“Not running for mayor yet,” I said under my breath.
“What was that?”
“I think the lawn is wet!” I chuckled loudly. “All righty then, see ya, Ethel. A pleasure, as always.”
“Bite me,” she spat. She legitimately spat onto the front porch then turned around and barreled back into the hole she’d crawled out of.
My fingers slipped on the ignition, twice, before I finally turned the key, started the SUV, then peeled out from her driveway as if zombies were chasing me.
I drove in silence as my heartbeat slowly returned to normal, thank God. I was going to kill Max — then kill him again, just to make sure he was dead.
But first, I needed whiskey.
Thankfully, my shift was done, and I could easily make my way over to the restaurant, sit at the bar, and down a few shots before my dinner date.
The woman may have to be my DD with as much shaking as I was doing in that damn SUV. How did Max even know of Ethel? It’s not like I’d talked about my long-time nemesis around the dinner table.
Maybe it had been Milo or Colt who’d blabbed about how Ethel had hated me since I was born? She was the nurse who’d delivered me, and, shit you not, told my parents that I was going to be a tyrant because I’d peed on her.
I was three minutes old, lady. Give me a break! Babies pee!
Correction: Not Max. Max’s first sentence was probably, “And they shall name me Max, and I shall rule the world.”
“Aghhh!” I hit my steering wheel and then pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant.