Turning to the next page of my notes I took a breath halting the dictation for a second to re-read my loopy handwriting, then started to speak into my phone again.

“Mrs. Gibbs’ expectations of her husband are that he’s to be a good provider and good in bed. Mr. Gibbs stated that he has no problems with either request, however Mrs. Gibbs warned that if he is not up to the task, she will seek pleasure elsewhere. The session ended with Mr. Gibbs getting down on his knees pleading with his wife to give him a second chance. The married couple left on a semi-bright note and will return for another session next week.”

With a few taps I ended the recording and put the phone down. I rubbed my eyes, glad that the visit with the Gibbs’ was finally over. They were an odd couple and I had a worrying inclination that anything Mr. Gibbs tried to do to please his wife would always fall short of her ever-demanding and increasing expectations. But they paid my rates without question so I kept listening, trying what I could to steer them to a mutual resolution. I wanted to help them to see that they were so lucky to have each other. I tried not to judge them too harshly—always attempting to leave my own emotions out of it. But didn’t they realize how lucky they were to have each other, period? I mean, if they had to resort to speed dating like I had, Mrs. Gibbs probably wouldn’t complain so much about her husband or their sex life… there were worse men out there. Men like Luke.

“Hey, you had lunch yet?”

I looked up to see Lucia in the doorway of my office, looking every inch the professional she was. We’d been best friends since our first day of college and I’d asked her more than a year ago to join me in my new private practice after I moved back to Florida. So far, we’d both been extremely successful. Lucia’s focus was work-related performance therapy, mainly concentrating on the high-pressure business and sports sectors; helping stockbrokers and athletes alike with their professional and personal issues. And with her football-superstar husband, Jacob, always bragging about her—he was so proud of what she did—she was always booked up. Some of it flowed my way, too. Unhappy wives of the athletes and such.

“Not yet, I wanted to get these notes done while they were fresh in my mind. Done now, though.”

“Come on then,” she said. She looked at her watch with a frown. I knew what she was thinking; it was already past two and I was working too hard, neglecting eating, but thankfully she didn’t scold me. She was always trying to take care of me ever since she’d become a mom. “Let’s walk down to the bistro. I’m starving. My treat?”

I nodded and grabbed my bag. As we made our way down the quiet street Lucia kept biting her lip like there was something on her mind. She wasn’t normally this quiet. There had to be an ulterior motive to this lunch, I thought as we reached the little bistro on the corner that we frequented quite a lot. We took our regular seats at one of the outdoor dining tables; the metal chairs were uneven, rocked slightly, and the tables wobbled, but the food was to die for. Lucia immediately reached for the menu and hid behind it as if choosing the right meal was a matter of life or death.

After placing our orders, I leaned back in my chair. “So, how did your meeting go today?”

Lucia blushed and I knew what that meant—it was practically written all over her face. For the last few weeks she’d been pursuing her next big client; trying to become the team psychologist for the local semi-pro basketball team. She’d even enlisted the help of her father, the mayor of our fair city, to rally her case. But from her hesitancy to tell me, I could tell something had changed.

“Well, I decided not to do it.”

“What?” I asked, faking my surprise.

She patted her stomach and I let my jaw drop to the floor. “I knew it! You let Jacob knock you up again and you’ve been quiet all this time.”

She laughed and nodded. “I’m not that far along, but yes, I’m pregnant. Do you think it’s too soon?”

“Do you two not know how to use condoms?” I asked with a smile but simultaneously crossed my arms over my chest. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my godchild, Nora, but she was barely seven months old and Lucia had really only just got settled back into work. The thought of the office across the hall being empty again made the loneliness well up inside.

“Oh, Cara,” Lucia exclaimed with the roll of her eyes. “Of course we do. You know I’ve always wanted my children to be close in age and well, as you know, my husband can’t keep his hands off me for long. So why not? Why wait and delay the inevitable?”

A thousand reasons ran across my mind on why she should have waited, but I realized they were all my reasons. Lucia loved being a wife and a mother to her perfect little family, and I supposed in a weird sort of way I was a little jealous of that. Here I was struggling to decide if I wanted to even see the baby I’d given up all those years ago. She wouldn’t understand my reasoning and I didn’t want her to worry about me. I was fine. I always was fine.

“You’re totally right, especially if it makes you happy,” I finally said no longer having to force the smile and took her hand, giving it a squeeze. “Congratulations, I’m so happy for you both. I bet Jacob is over the moon.”

“Thank you. He really is,” she said, a smug smile on her face. If I didn’t know better—or if Jacob got his way—I reckoned Lucia was going to end up being a mother to a whole team of kids, one that could probably fill a soccer side. “Now tell me what’s going on with you?”

“Huh?” My eyes lifted up in surprise. “Why do you think there’s something going on with me?” I asked, immediately on the defensive. A small part of me wanted to tell her what was going on, but the rest was adamant to keep it to myself; I didn’t want her to know about my kid. Lucia knew practically everything about me except that one dark and shameful moment in my life and the last thing I wanted to have happen was her to start looking at me with contempt or even pity.

Lucia laughed. “Oh come on, Cara! I have been your friend forever. Are you really trying to convince me that I can no longer pick out when my friend has something on her mind? I’m not sure if you know this, but I am a therapist, I know when you’re hiding things,” she said with a smile. She was trying to keep the conversation light by joking around, but it didn’t last long. The smile faded and worry replaced it.

I swallowed hard, hating that I was that transparent to her. “It’s nothing, really.”

“Nothing? I don’t believe you,” she responded, concern flooding her face. “You can tell me anything Cara, you know that right?”

I scoffed. “Of course I know that. I’m fine, really. Just a little tired, that’s all. Been working too much, I think.”

Fortunately, our food came at that moment and she let it drop, Lucia’s concentration turning to the delicious feast in front of her instead. I breathed a sigh of relief and picked at my food, my mind in turmoil thinking about the letter I’d received. I was going to have meet him, it would be cruel not to. It was the least I could do, right? He had reached out to me and there was no way I was going to disappoint him.

But what did I say to the child who I gave away for someone else to love and raise? It felt like there were no words in the whole world to explain that one away.

Would he understand how hard the decision was for me? The way my mother kept pushing and pushing until she got her own way and he was stripped from me? I remembered the pain, the heartbreak when they had laid him in my arms for the last time and then when I was forced to kiss him goodbye.

“Come on Cara! Push! You’re almost there!”

I listened to the nurse screaming encouragement in my ear and bore down, the searing pain shooting through my abdomen. While most kids my age were getting ready for the prom that night, I was giving birth to my son. The labor had come on so suddenly, the baby coming so fast, that there hadn’t been any time for any kind of pain relief and though it felt like I was being split in two, I knew this was my punishment. And in a way I knew I deserved it. I would remember this pain for years to come. This was going to scar me for life and I wanted to make sure that I was never going forget this moment, not ever.

With a grunt I bore down again as another contraction hit me. The pressure subsided, then there was the faint cry of a baby shortly afterward. Oh my god.

“It’s a boy!” the nurse grinned while the anxious social worker hovered near the door. “Congratulations, Mom.”

He was here. My precious baby.

“Can I see him?” I asked hesitantly trying to conceal the desperation in my voice as the nurse wiped him off and wrapped him in a blanket. “Just for a moment? Please.” I could feel the hysteria clawing within me, getting ready to burst out. I needed to stay in control for just a little longer.

The nurse looked over to my mom, who gave us a short nod. “Just one moment.”

Tears in my eyes, I took the small bundle in my hands, lighter than a feather as I gazed upon his red, little face.

“Hi there,” I said, touching his nose gently. “I’m your mom, don’t you ever forget that.” He was perfect and I felt the tears start to slide down my cheeks as I tried to commit his features to memory. “No matter what anyone tells you, I love you with all my heart.”

“You’re doing the right thing, Cara,” my mom stated, ice in her voice, as she looked at her grandson… and yet there were tears in her own eyes. “We can’t keep him.”

“We could,” I whispered, unable to trust my own voice. “Mom, don’t make me do this.”

She shook her head. “It’s for the best. You’ll thank me one day.”

I bitterly doubted that and looked away from her back to my baby. He was mine. And he should stay with me. Confusion, anger, and desperation collided with this huge feeling of love and my body began to shake, the tears falling, unstoppable, soaking the blanket he was wrapped in.

Even though I knew it was the right thing to do for him it didn’t make the decision or reality to give him up any easier. I was about to give away a piece of me, a little person that I’d carried around within my own body for nine months, feeling every kick, every movement. And to have him gone just like that, would forever be a crack in my heart. I knew I wouldn’t be the same after that day either.

“I’ll take him now,” the nurse said gently, holding out her arms. It was the plan after all. We had talked about it, the delivery day and what I would have to do.

I reached down and pressed my lips to his little forehead. “I love you. Please don’t ever forget that,” I said before relinquishing him to the nurse. I watched her intently as she took him out of the room—it was like being trapped in a nightmare: I needed my body to move but no matter how hard I tried I was stuck like glue, unmoving… the inevitable consuming me.

“I’m proud of you, honey,” my mom said, smoothing the hair back from my forehead. And though the last thing that I wanted was to be comforted by her, I let her do it anyway. My strength to push her away was gone. I clung to her and I dissolved into an incomprehensible wail.

Finally exhaustion set in and I turned away from my mom, leaving her grasp, toward the window, where the rain had just started to fall outside. I wished that I could be a droplet on that window, my body and thoughts being washed away. I wanted to disappear, in fact, I just wanted to die.

“Yoo-hoo, Cara?”

Her voice permeated my thoughts and shook me out of my reverie. Blinking, I looked at Lucia, who was staring at me. “Are you sure you’re okay? Man you zoned out for a second there.”

“I’m fine,” I answered, drumming up a half-hearted smile. “Just thinking about my schedule. I am going to have one hell of an afternoon.”

She gave me a skeptical look as I turned my attention back to my barely eaten food, wishing that I could tell her. But now wasn’t the right time at all. After her good news, I didn’t want anything to spoil it. She had enough on her plate anyway.

I would be okay… What I really needed was a distraction. Anything or anyone to snap me out of my own head.

I knew the perfect wrong guy who’d be just right for the job, I needed to find him again that was all.