What’s in a Name?

MY HANDS WERE soaked with blood and screams filled my head. It was too dark to see where I was, but my body hurt and I was trembling. Then more screams startled me and that was when I realized they were my own. I closed my eyes and begged myself to wake up because now I was falling and I was afraid to hit the ground.

My eyes shot open and I struggled between the fogginess in my head and the fluorescent light beaming down on me. A dull ache pressed behind my eyes and an uncomfortable pain throbbed in my lower back. I tried to sit up but had zero strength, opting for rolling my head to the side, and glared at the machines next to me, their redundant beeping sounds finally penetrating my daze. My pulsed raced as soon as I saw the IV in my arm and realized I was in the hospital. I tried to remember what put me here, but there was nothing. I couldn’t even remember my name. Panic shook through me.

"Nurse?" I called calmly at first, my throat dry and scratchy. There was no response. "Nurse!" The terrified scream left my lips and projected through the hallways, prompting loud, rushed footsteps to resonate closer and closer until a sweet, frumpy redheaded nurse appeared around the curtain. Her eyes widened when she saw me.

"You're awake." She tried to steady her stunned voice. She raced to my side and checked the monitors robotically. "You're awake," she repeated, a smile now illuminating her rosy cheeks.

"Yes.” What an odd reaction, I thought. “Can you please tell me why I’m here?"

She avoided eye contact and said, "I'll get the doctor," as she sped out of the room and returned with a tall, beautiful woman with jet-black, long hair and chocolate skin.

"Hi, how are you feeling?" She approached the side of the bed calmly and checked the monitors as the nurse had done. She grabbed my chart and jotted something down.

"My back hurts. I need to stretch."

"That's probably a good idea, but I need to examine you first, if that's okay?"

She was being cautiously sweet, which should have been comforting, but it wasn’t. I could tell they were being careful. The nurse stood behind her, fiddling with her fingers as she watched us anxiously.

"Do you know why you are here?" The doctor stepped closer to my side and smiled.

I searched my memories, but I couldn't come up with anything. I shook my head, my chest constricting and my throat burning. I pinched my lips together to hold back the tears.

"Let's start with a more basic question. Do you know your name?"

I shook my head again.

The doctor glanced to the nurse, giving her a look I couldn’t see, and the nurse left in response, cracking the door.

"You suffered a pretty serious head injury, so that's not completely unexpected. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Usually, patients begin to regain their memories shortly after an accident."

An accident? I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the memories back, but all I saw were flashes of me as a child, but all indiscernible.

"Do you know my name?" I asked.

Shuffling in the hallway drew our attention. I heard the nurse and a man’s distraught voice filtering through the door.

"I'll be right back." The doctor exited, closing the door behind her.

My eyes darted around the room, hoping for a clue, but it was empty. No flowers or cards. No blankets on a chair where someone might have been sleeping until I woke. There were just machines and beeps, and miles of white.

My tailbone was throbbing uncomfortably. I tried to shift to my side, but it didn’t ease the discomfort. I needed to walk around and rub it out. Struggling, I peeled the sheets off my body. I was so weak I had to use my arms to push my legs over the side. This couldn’t be normal. Why was it so hard to move?

I rested for a moment, looking down at the floor, contemplating if this was the smartest idea, but my back hurt so badly, and my legs felt numb. Everything felt…dead. I shimmied my butt off the bed and held firmly onto the sheets as my toes touched the cold linoleum. As I pushed myself off, I realized I had made a huge mistake, because my knees buckled, and I crashed to the floor, writhing in pain. I heard the door swing open, and the nurse and doctor ran in to find me in a crumpled heap on the other side of the bed.

"Janice, get one side, and I'll get the other.” Then she addressed me, “Are you hurt?"

They lifted me back onto the bed. Was I hurt? Yes, I was hurt. I didn't know who I was, and I just fell off the bed, but more than that, I was terrified. What if I had been paralyzed in the accident? What if I couldn’t walk? What if I was already like this and had just forgotten?

"What's wrong with me? I don't understand." I choked on my fear.

The nurse quickly tucked me back into bed, checked my IV, and then left me alone with the doctor again. She said a lot, but very little at the same time. She told me someone brought me in, but they didn't catch a name, and that I had been in a coma for a little over four weeks. I tried to focus on every word, but it was hard between the panic and the fog in my head. She said my muscles were weak from lack of movement, even with the assistance of a physical therapist who visited daily to help prevent degeneration. She was going to order rehab for me to regain my strength, and as soon as I was strong enough, I could be released.

"Released where?" I was perplexed. Where would I go if no one had claimed me? It had been a month, after all. Surely someone would have found me by now if they were looking.

"I'm optimistic that by then your memories will have returned."

"Glad somebody is," I retorted and then felt ashamed at my behavior. It wasn’t her fault I was here. “I’m sorry.”

"I know you're feeling angry and confused right now but, I promise, we are going to get you all the help and support you need before you're released."

I nodded my head. But then what?

"Is there anything else I can do for you? Any other questions?"

"Yeah." I paused. "I could really use a shower." I raked my fingers through my greasy hair.

She smiled. "Sure. Let me tell Janice. She can assist you."

She left me with the beeping and the feeling of sheer loneliness.

"Hi." Janice smiled cheerfully. "I hear you'd like to get cleaned up?"

"Yeah, but is there any way you can let me do the cleaning?" I asked shyly.

"Of course, hon. I'll just help you get undressed and into the shower and leave you to relax."

She took a wheelchair from the corner of the room and helped me into it. Wheeling me into the en suite bathroom, she awkwardly helped me get undressed as the water warmed, and then she helped me to the bench. My strength wasn't completely diminished, so I pushed myself to help as much as possible. Once under the spray, she left me with the soap and shampoo.

"Just pull that cord when you're finished, and I will help you get out."

"Thanks."

She cracked the door, leaving the sounds of the hustle and bustle of a hospital—a television blaring in the room next door, beeps from my monitors, and chatter from nurses in the hallway. I tilted my head until the spray covered my face, and the only sound that filled my head was the sloshing of the water against my eardrums. The plain white ceiling stared down at me. I was completely surrounded by nothingness. I laughed aloud at the irony. Exactly like me.

I had been wiped clean like a system reboot done to computers when they were broken. Who was I? Who were my parents and where were they? Did I have any sisters or brothers? Was I funny? Nice? The questions flooded my head. I closed my eyes, trying again to remember my name, but instead a terrifying feeling of drowning suddenly overcame me. I popped my eyes open and sat up. Pain radiated down my spine from the sudden movement and I winced. My heart was pounding and my body shook.

I scrubbed quickly, washed my hair, and pulled the cord for Janice. I leaned over my legs, wrapping my arms around them and hugging my knees close to my chest, waiting for Janice to return. Less than a minute later, the door opened.

"That was quick."

She grabbed a towel and put it around my shoulders. We both worked together to get me into the wheelchair.

"I brought you a fresh robe and underwear.”

"Thanks," I replied softly.

"Do you need help?"

"No, I think I can do it myself."

"Okay, hon. Push the button on your bed when you're ready to get back into it."

I looked back at the tub, listening to the sounds of the drain slurping down the water. There was something familiar about the sound. Something unnerving. Something forgotten.

"YOU READY TO get out of bed?"

I was flipping through the channels on the television when Nurse Cheerful popped in the next day. I think she was better suited for the children’s ward.

"It's your first day of physical therapy."

She pushed the curtain back, not only revealing a wide smile but also an incredibly handsome guy standing behind her manning the wheelchair. I was mortified because I hadn't even bothered brushing my hair after the bath yesterday. I had just pulled it into a loose braid, and now I imagined it was a complete mess, having slept on it. I smoothed my hands over it and tucked a few strays behind my ears.

"This is Grady. He volunteers at the hospital quite a bit, and he's going to be escorting you to physical therapy and back."

"Hi." My cheeks blazed with embarrassment.

"Hey there.” He waved his hand casually and his young face lit up warmly.

His was rugged with some purposeful stubble and he stood tall. His strong biceps flexed as he pushed the wheelchair to the side of the bed.

Janice helped me slide into the chair and then bounced out of the room. "See you in a few hours."

"I guess I'm supposed to just trust you?" I peered up through my lashes.

"Yep, I think they're crazy, too. My driving can be pretty frightening." He spun me around swiftly.

I gripped the wheelchair handles to steady myself. "Well, this isn't the Daytona 500, so let's take it easy."

"You've never seen some of the other volunteers and me race down the halls during quiet hours. It gets pretty intense. I did end up with a mashed-up toe once."

He was kind of funny. "Oh, yeah? I'm sure it was a real adrenaline rush." I played along with him as he wheeled me down the hall, garnering noticeable looks from the nurses' station. "How did your toe fare in the end?"

"It was just a flesh wound. It healed pretty quickly."

He had me laughing easily. It was nice since I had been on edge since waking yesterday. The doctor had been back to see me this morning, but she didn't really elaborate on much. She just told me my scans and blood tests were normal and then asked me a few questions to see if my memory had returned, but no such luck.

Grady was a nice break from all the hospital chatter and overdramatic talk shows. The hospital only had basic cable and it was awful.

"We're having another race tonight. If you want, you can be my wing girl."

"What does that entail exactly?" I was almost afraid to ask.

"You'll have to come and see."

We rode the elevator down a few floors to the main level and headed to a small part of the hospital dedicated to physical therapy. Grady wheeled me through the double doors. There were a few patients working with physical therapists on different apparatuses. One patient, who appeared to be in his forties, was walking on a thick balance beam raised only a few inches off the floor. Another patient, probably in her sixties, was walking very slowly on a treadmill. Through a wall of windows, I noticed a small outdoor pool where a few other patients enjoyed a water therapy session, and just beyond the pool I could make out an open garden area.

"It doesn't even seem like a hospital here."

"This is my favorite place to help. It's quiet, and it doesn't smell like death and sickness."

"If that bothers you, then why do you volunteer at a hospital? There's a ton of places that could use volunteers, like a local food bank."

"I started when I was in high school to earn extracurricular credits for a scholarship application, and I never stopped. The staff is nice, and I meet a lot of interesting people."

Grady gave me a side-glance that had me blushing.

A petite woman dressed in hospital scrubs adorned with Disney characters approached us. "You must be my new patient. I'm Rachel, and I see you and Grady are already good friends." She winked at me. My cheeks reddened again. "No flirting with my patients, Grady." Her tone was light and friendly.

He threw his hands in the air. "No flirting here. I walk with a halo over my head around these parts."

She laughed. It was obvious she had a thing for him, and I had a feeling she wasn't the only one.

"I'll take her from here." She was now steering me over to a set of waist-high walking bars.

Grady shouted, "Be back for her in an hour!"

"Bye," Rachel smiled.

Rachel didn't look back, but I did. I watched as he spun on his heel and stalked out of the room, taking the feeling of ease he had bestowed on me with him.

"Don't worry, hon. He'll be back. Let's see about getting you walking again."

It was hard at first to stand with my weight on the bars. My arms were tired after only a minute or so, and I hadn't even taken a step yet. The doctor had told me I was in a coma for a month, so my muscles would need some strengthening, but she failed to mention how painful it would be to get back there. We took several breaks in between, and by the end of the hour, I had taken ten steps. Ten very painful steps, but I had done it, and it gave me a small glimmer of hope.

Grady had returned as promised.

"See you tomorrow," Grady called to Rachel as he wheeled me away.

The thought of coming back tomorrow made everything ache that much more. I could barely raise my hands from the armrests of the wheelchair.

"You did awesome."

"You were watching me?" A nervous feeling settled in my stomach.

"I got back a few minutes early. I saw you killing it through the window."

"I don't know about killing it, but thanks."

When we got off the elevator to my floor, I felt a pang of disappointment. Once I reached my room, Grady would be gone, and the all-consuming silence would flood back.

"So, I'll pick you up tonight around eleven if you're still down with being my wing girl?"

"You were serious?"

"I would never joke about the Daytona 500."

I laughed again.

"You're back. Just in time. Lunch just arrived." Janice spotted us coming into the patient area.

"Oh, yay," I mumbled under my breath. I wasn’t overly excited about the hospital food.

Unexpectedly, Grady leaned down and whispered by my ear, "I'll bring you some Chinese tonight."

Janice bumped him out of the way. "Thank you, Grady. I'll take her from here."

I glanced back as she wheeled me toward my room and Grady mouthed "tonight" with a question mark in the air. I smiled and gave him a quick nod. Janice turned me into my room, and another day of talk shows plagued me once again.